Friday Afternoon Thoughts

Well it finally happened.

I was able to have the long awaited "DTR" talk with Kristy. And now, although it's going to suck tremendously, it seems agreed upon that we will simply no longer talk.

I guess the beginning starts with the rather unique set of circumstances leading up to our epic discussion. This week has been finals week for her so to try and encourage her, I create/sent her a "finals survivor kit." Such a kit includes the following items:

- homemade card from yours truly
- can of guarana (energy)
- bag of doritos (calories = energy)
- organic blend of blueberry, raspberry, and other juices (anthocyanin)
- fruit cup of blueberry, raspberry, and strawberry (anthocyanin)
- cup of pecans (folic acid)
- one apple (acetylcholine)

This was all conveniently packaged of course. So our conversation begins with her (freshly hungover from a night drinking) thanking me for being so sweet to her. The requisite small talk commences and soon enough we begin our DTR.

Honestly, all I wanted to do was be on the same page as her. There has been a whole lot of growing closer but should we be getting this close kind of feeling and I couldn't stand it anymore. If we're going to get deeper we had to be on the same page. If we didn't want to get that way I had to readjust my expectations for the relationship. So this was the approach I took. This ended up being a 1.5 hour conversation. Essentially here are the main points that I got:

- she's "fine" with the way things are now. The only time she can't stand it is when we fight over where our relationship going.
- her main concern is me allowing her to be simply who she is. And not trying to force anything on her.
- The closer she gets to me, the more she realizes how much she doesn't want to be with me.
- She doesn't want to be with me because she just doesn't "feel" anything for me.
- If she could have things her way (in a perfect world) we would just continue the way things are now.
- she doesn't understand why things have to be so complicated for me and I can't just let her be herself.

Anticipating all of this, I let her know that if she wanted me to just view her as a normal friend of mine, that I would be completely willing to do that. It's just that, given the type of person that I am, the "normal friend" category in my life is marginally better than mere acquaintance. This is the heart of where the tension is. Because she wants the level of closeness that we currently share, but she's unwilling to explore that bond any further. The rationale being that the only way to explore that further is that we would be dating (which as she highlighted numerous times is something that she doesn't want to do).

The whole time we talked I just felt like all she wanted to do was rub in my face how much she didn't want to date me. But the thing is I'm not even looking for that. Here's the way I see it:

1) There's a pretty strong connection between me and Kristy (agreed)
2) Said connection is something unfound as we are completely unlike each other (agreed)
3) Said connection is also what draws us to each other (Fred 1 Kristy 0)
4) Why not pursue that connection and see how deep it goes?

But all of this is neither here nor there.
She views me as just a friend.
I view her as more than a friend.
And, for now, the strategy is to get me back to the place where I view her simply as a friend.


It's too bad that we'll probably end up sacrificing our friendship altogether to get there.