petting porcupines

So I got to see special K again tonight.

I always wondered what it would feel like. I'm sure I came off as kind of rude because I immediately turned my head so that I wouldn't face her. Oh wells. Seeing her again though made me think about where I am with all this. Especially with her birthday coming up and all.

Frankly, I still don't know how we ended up on non-talking terms. My story is that she asked me to not talk to her. She'll probably say that she never wanted me to not talk to her [irony] yet that she wanted space. I'll respond by saying I gave her space. I'm not sure how she would respond to that. Probably something along the lines of our friendship just gradually changed.

Personally, I do miss her. More than anything I miss just learning about her. Learning all the intricacies that make her her. This isn't a very unique thing as it's a facet of a relationship that I would say is true with many of my friends, but she's different because of a value I've placed on her. While that value has diminished given our lack of communication, I must say that if we had a friendship I would still value it.

Yet, one thing that I've learned to accept is that I really cannot control the future. Regardless of how altruistic and sincere my desires are, there's a lot that are just out of my control. I want so badly for the my story to include a reconciliation with Kristy; I want very very badly for her to all of a sudden to just be like "you know I think I'll take the first step to say to Fred that I'd like to start brand new with a friendship and to just settle the past once and for all."

But I'm slowly reaching the point where the fact that any of those desires NOT coming true is equally satisfying. Not because I want them any less, but because I'm slowly yielding more to the fact that I don't have to be in control of everything--especially in this situation. If this story turns out awesome and we become very good friends again then I'll be ecstatic. But if all of the seeds that I planted turn out to be for not and I'm just fooling myself all this time then I honestly think I'll be ok with that.

Because I'm giving up the pen to this story. And simply going to enjoy the book.