Transparency

It's bothering me badly.

Of all the wonderful greetings yesterday the one I anticipated most was absent. I don't really know what to make of that.

Justifications have been flying back and forth in my head. Apparently she arrived yesterday. Perhaps she was simply exhausted. It may have been completely on her mind but she just fell asleep. That would be ok with me.

But the other possibility is what is bothersome. What if she simply doesn't care? What if she doesn't even remember? What if she wasn't allowed to contact me? What if she didn't make contact intentionally? Those are all frightening possibilities.

Yesterday, as the the day slowly crawled from the 27th to the 28th, I found myself locked in prayer. My mood changed. I was so grateful for this past year on so many different levels. I was blown away at the journey that God single-handedly carried me through.

But, I felt empty.

The singular thing I desired yesterday (above all else) was simple contact. A text message...a phone call...a voicemail...a xanga posting...an email...a video...anything. That was what I hoped for. But I received nothing.

So, in today's spillover, I find myself just straight up sad. Maybe Glorie really doesn't care about me anymore. I guess I would like to know when exactly this shift in her took place but what difference would that make? My being more informed would have no effect on how much more (or less) she would care for me.


I presented all my thoughts to Christ but keep getting the same response.

"Those who wait upon the Lord will not grow tired or weary."
"Take my yoke and learn from me (for I am gentle and humble in heart)"
"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him my Savior and My God."


In other words the only peace I found myself resting on was--"wait for ME."


Trust is the most curious lesson I've ever had to learn in my life.