update!

Ok. I'm going to be intentional about this.

There has been a lot that hasn't been written down. I guess I could start with work. It's been hard finding a rhythm ever since getting back from Brasil. The way the job works, it's hard to find two people everyday to sit down with if you aren't extremely intentional about it. I've been having to really hustle to get back in a groove. Thankfully, I've been managing and God has been sending people my way. I guess all in all things are optimistic; but there are still huge goals that must be met otherwise I could ultimately end up with a terminated contract. That would be bad.

On a personal front, things are much more complex. On one hand, I am really enjoying the place that I'm at. My small group is growing dynamically and the direction is toward a more intimate environment. At church I am starting to grow in that more and more people are starting to see what a quirky person I am...and it's blowing their minds away. I guess the whole "listen before you speak" mentality only stuck to me? Whatev. The friendships that I am in currently couldn't be any more thankful for me. I owe this completely to the capital G; after all, they aren't gravitating toward me--just the God in me. Or something like that.

On the other hand, there's the hot mess of a situation that I'm really in the thick of regarding Ms. Kristy Tran. I don't even know where to start with it. I like her so much. I mean SOOOO much. But it drags me down so much. You see, there is this ridiculous game of cat and mouse that we play. Where she is the cat and I'm the hopeless mouse that repeatedly steps into her traps.

What has happened is that our friendship has evolved. It began on a normal level (you know the whole first meet wow what a cool person kind of ordeal) and just kind of stayed that way. Then, our contact began to increase with regularity. It started with talking on the phone then hanging out consistently (normal stuff honestly). Naturally, as things do when they take this sort of trajectory, we got closer and closer. Follow this progression to about where it stands right now where we would both identify the other as someone of tremendous, that is irreplaceable, value. Enter the conflict.

For me, this intimacy has come with emotion. This is the first person I've been genuinely attracted to since Glorie. This has been met with great caution from all sides. She is not a Christian, her mindset is completely different from mine, as well as the fact that she still has a lot of issues that need to be addressed. Yet, despite all of this, I choose her. Not because of anything particular...but I think it's more of a combination of how different she is from me as well as our amazing chemistry. I love spending time with her it's that simple.

For her, the sentiment is generally the same. Except for the fact that she isn't quite as attracted to me romantically. To quote her, "You're everything I want in a guy except for a few small things." Those "things" being that I'm not vietnamese or catholic enough for her. Not to belittle these criticisms, but is that really all she has? I mean if anything I feel bad for her because she doesn't know what she's missing out on in terms of true relationship with God. I'm out of my mind for speaking like this, but if she could only taste God I think she would lose her mind. So, to throw that in my face, is just a little weird for me. This is especially true when one considers that she says "I feel closer to God because of you." to me. Blah.

I really can't understand her. I mean if she finds so much in me that she loves, doesn't it make sense for her to want that for herself? Like exclusively? And everytime I approach her with that topic she gets defensive. It's so stupid. I feel like she wants all the benefits of a boyfriend without the commitment. It's frustrating and it's bothering me. Yet I continue to serve her like a little dummy. Maybe this is what I deserve?

All this said, it just made me start thinking about how I've been wired anyway. I feel like my patience is such that it becomes a fault. I mean to this day I still actively think/pray for Glorie and I haven't heard from her in a hot minute. They've clearly moved on and yet here I am just kind of waiting for a friendship to resume. Oh well.

I'm trying to find God out of all this. I trust in His sovereignty. Tell me God are you still there?

I know You are.
I know You are.

I'm just looking in all the wrong places.