Friday Morning Thoughts

Well, here I am.

It's been a tumultuous 5 days, but I'm finally able to just sit down and express. It's interesting really. The rest of my team is a few isles over carrying about in their random riff-raff. I'm against a column patiently waiting for our flight to leave for San Paolo. I guess this kind of encapsulates me in a sense. I've always been the "off" one.

Lately, I've been pretty sad. Nothing particularly dramatic has happened. But, I think that a lot of my emotions are due to the fact that I place seemingly unattainable expectations on people. Not that I demand that my friends be this way or that way; it's simply that I expect my friends to act in a manner that reflects how I may treat them.

Kristy has been a sterling example of this.

The understanding is that I am one of her most cherished friends. The valuation is likewise. However the tension lies in the expectations. I, for one reason or another, have fallen head over heels for this woman. Knowing this, it has caused her to not act like herself. As a result stupid stuff seems to happen. Like her giving me the distinguished title of "most awkward person that I know" on my birthday of all days. And the small little arguments that we end up getting into for no reason at all. Sometimes I wish I could say to her "you know...how would you feel if I treated you the way that you treat me?" but it's kind of like taboo to say those things. And it sucks. Because it feels like I'm the one at fault for expecting more out of the friendship than she has. But shouldn't I expect great things from my friends?

Then there's additional tension between friends who expect so much from me. I try to be the most loyal and great friend to each and every person I truly consider close, but sometimes it can be rather fatiguing. I just wish some people would understand that as great as they think I am, I'm not superman. And it is likely that I will fail them at some point in the future.

This doesn't even include how easy it is for me to get hurt by Glorie again. I've tried to initiate small conversations but that has been hard as well. It's like her life has been in motion for so long and I've long missed my window to be a part of it. Which truly saddens me. Because I would do everything possible to slow my life if it meant it would be for her benefit. Alas, I think I'm beginning to understand that Glorie just doesn't see me the way I view her. Because it doesn't matter that all this BS happened between us in the past. I still choose to view her as Glorie. Even though I'm clearly not fred to her anymore.




Gotta jet! We're boarding.