man

I miss her so much.

What I would give to just talk to her right now.

long and lost

Alright. It's time to play catch up.

The last big happening centered around some drama actually. One of the side effects of this tennis addiction has been that I've been able to play with a regular "tennis group." Problem with groups is that, after prolonged exposure, the potential for conflict tends to go up. We played literally every day. The inevitable bump in the road came.

It turns out that I was actually the instigator. Apparently I said some things in a very sarcastic manner that didn't rub off the right way. They got offended but instead of doing something logical like telling me how I hurt their feelings, they decided to blacklist me. Ever the observant one, I ended up telling them how their blacklisting made me feel and suddenly they had egg on their face. Long story short, Brandon and I are pretty much reconciled (which I think is pretty important since he got to see first hand what grace is all about) but things between Hank, Emily and I haven't been the same since. Which, in my opinion, is either a reflection of how shallow of a friendship it was to begin with; or perhaps it's of greater indication of their willingness to tackle difficult issues in their life. Perhaps both. Either way it's a shame.

Work wise, I'm settling into my new position quite nicely. It's a lot of information being able to remember stuff but nothing too difficult. A lot of people say I'm doing very well. I think I just know how to listen. IT's not hard to do the task when you're surrounded by good teachers and I have been. One guy I find hilarious at my job is a guy named drew. Every time I see him I think he's stoned. And it doesn't help that he gives really awesome responses to stuff too. For example:

"So drew what time did you get here this morning?"
"Supposed to be 6:15 but it was more like 6:32ish"
"Oh really? What happened?"
"I couldn't find my keys."
"Where did you end up finding them?"
"In the trash can. I have no idea how they got there."
"sweet."

It just doesn't get more priceless than that.

Kristy wise, it's more of the same. This whole I'm a fish and she's the fisherman. I see the bait and sadly I know the hook is right below it, yet I just can't get over it. It's awful. I tried quitting cold turkey but she started talking to me. It's a really awful place. I'm trying to find places to be grateful just to be her friend, but I find it difficult to either view her as simply a friend or keep myself from realizing that sooner or later she'll use me just for emotional security.

I wish we could just have an honest conversation with each other. If only I could hear her say why in the world she keeps playing around with me. If she wants a close relationship with me, what boundaries is she willing to help me enforce? If she wants to be "just friends" then why not let us be just friends? I hate this whole not talking then all of a sudden asking me out of nowhere to go watch the time traveler's wife with her. Then the whole get into an argument but then ask me to keep her awake while she drives home.

Maybe I'm most frustrated for myself for enabling her. I care about her so much. I just wish it meant more to her. It's pretty weird. She's the only person I have an expectation for my loyalty. I didn't even have that for Glorie when her family was doing all that BS to me. But with Kristy, I want so bad for her to see the fact that friendships like mine don't come so often. Maybe I'm focusing on me too much.

All that aside, spiritually I'm kinda stagnant. I'm not murdering anyone thankfully, but I'm in one of those phases where I'm just kind of "going through the motions." That never goes anywhere with any relationship. I don't know. I have to think bigger picture. I have to pray bigger picture. I want to start living bigger picture.

Again.

survivor

It has been a turbulent ride, but it's over.

Thankfully, and with the help of much grace from the capital G, I have emerged from the weekend. It's kind of neat considering that sunday I actually got to take one of those much lauded sunday afternoon naps. I think mine would have been more enjoyable had it stemmed from leisure instead of sheer exhaustion.

I'd love to journal some more, but I think it would be wise to get some rest before my shift tomorrow AM. I have to get used to waking up really early. Saturday I have to be in at 5:30 AM. As in Ante Meridian. Id est I will be up before the sun starts waking up. Translation: I either have to go a straight 24 hours or start sleeping way earlier in order to preserve my sanity.

Last thing I wanted to jot down before I doze is this continuing observation about relationships. I have discovered that relationships (surprise?) take work; and no one has worked harder than Jesus to maintain/build them. What a thought.

dead tired

my schedule for the next 48 hours:

6:15 AM - Meet for carpool.
6:30 AM - Drive to St. Francis to serve.
7:00-11 - Serve.
12-4 PM - Learn how to make cold drinks at the empire.
5-7 PM - Ethan party
8-? - sleep?
645 AM - meeting for BC production.
7:00 AM - 12:00 PM - Serve.


Not that bad now that I write it out. I just don't have any energy.

2nd day of "work"

I'm scheduled to clock in in about an hour.

Sure, the job isn't glamorous, but then again neither is God; and look how awesome He turned out. As soon as I get rid of this elitist mentality that I'm too good for what I'm doing, I think the sky's the limit for my potential. I could be one of those cool humble leaders. The ones that don't even lead because they try hard; they're the ones people follow because they verify for themselves that they're worth following.

But that's all for later (maybe). For now, it's off to 4 hours of putting an apron on and laughing at how my life isn't quite what I thought it would be a year ago. But I guess that's ok.

And, I really am grateful.

Friday Night Thoughts

It happened when I was driving home.

I had just finished some epic matches with Terri, Anthony, and Van (where yours truly was part of the victorious squad each time). We went back to Terri's house where I met up with Phuong and saw the kids. I gave them all the stuff I got for them while in Toronto (just two hockey sticks and some candy). Of course the other one was there, cooking. It was kind of an awkward exchange but whatever I got the money for my falcons tickets. They pleaded for me to stay for dinner but, knowing it wouldn't be wise, I politely declined.

On the way home, I had a feeling that I knew that they were feeling. The fact that I so easily integrated into their lives but something wasn't quite right due to the fact that no one really knew why I wasn't a more apparent part in the first place. The elephant in the room, of course, is the fact that there's a very poor relationship between Kristy and me now. We can both say the right things and act the right way, but I never can quite recall when being fake was superior to being transparent.

I wish I were able to have a better relationship with Kristy, but I'm slowly conceding that that very issue is no longer within my sphere of influence; that is, if any sort of relationship between us is to be made better, either Kristy or God will have to take initiative because I've literally exhausted all the influence I had to begin with. Moreover, Kristy specifically has to be the one who wants it. And frankly, she doesn't.

So, as I was on my 30 minute journey from Terri's house to my own, I just pressed shuffle on the iPod and just let myself be alone with my thoughts. Instead I just ended up worshiping God. As poor of a parallel as it may be, just as I have yet to give up on pursuing a very deep friendship with Kristy, I don't think God has quite given up on pursuing a very deep friendship with me. Further, my persistent let downs and flakiness don't seem to diminish my value in God's eyes in much the same way I still think the world of Kristy. When you have someone in your life who is so unequivocally for you like that, it's very easy to take that person for granted. I think I understand more now.

I ended my ride with "Your Grace is Sufficient." Oh how I desire to be that mature someday in my walk with Christ. The fact that God's grace is singularly gratifying to me. At the moment, I'm much too immature and too easily satisfied by worldy things (namely Babolat tennis products). But some day, I am confident that my relationship with God will venture out from the kiddie pool.

Until then, I'm grateful to have such a wonderful Person in my life.

relationship building 201

One things that everyone has to come to terms with is that other people in their life (whether closely held or otherwise) will fault them.

That is, sooner or later every other person you're in a relationship with (platonic or romantic) will do something wrong to you. This is not to imply that every wrong will be devastating. Sometimes it will be simply not washing the dishes for the husband. Other times it will be making a commitment to go eat ice cream and not following through on it. All said, it's no real big deal.

Obviously, there are the wrongs that are a little bit more severe. The aforementioned husband may suddenly choose to fornicate with another woman. One's best friend perhaps may speak the sharpest words in the heat of emotion and suddenly cause irreparable damage to the once pristine relationship. Et cetera.

The remedy in any fault of a relationship is dependent entirely on how much one looks out for the OTHER person's best interest and not their own.

Dishes will always be washed when the wife considers just how much of a difference doing something small like that makes to her OCD husband after a long day at work.
Spending 30 minutes to eat ice cream with a friend is no longer troublesome when one takes into account that your presence alone means the world to the other friend (and the rest is just a cherry on top) [pun intended].
Infidelity no longer seems worth it when viewed in context of the lifelong trauma it inflicts upon the daughter who has to be raised by the (newly turned) alcoholic mother who no longer has any interest raising a functional family.
Bitter tongues suddenly learn to tame themselves when suddenly there comes discovery that with losing a friend comes relentless heartache of remorse and guilt from a moment's foolishness.
While these examples are pretty elementary, there are a number of ways I have come to benefit from this mindset at all times.

A very peculiar relationship of mine (we'll just call this one special K for now) always stretches the bounds of this principle. Recently we made plans to spend the whole day together to catch up with each other to simple enjoy each other's company. Said day arrived and she ends up sleeping until late in the evening. Frustrated, I chose to pursue my own interests the rest of the night. She called repeatedly only to receive voicemail greeting after voicemail greeting.

Communication resumed eventually. She expressed she was sorry and accidentally slept throughout the entire day (jet lag you know?) but she was very upset that I didn't return her phone calls. I expressed that I was extremely frustrated with her (she had done this exact same thing to me now on multiple occasions) and did not have the emotional resolve to speak with her at that moment. We were both over it, but she was relentless in highlighting the fact that I could've done a much better job at least responding via text/phone call once I had cooled off.

She was right.

My frustration was justified, but future frustration could've easily been avoided had I simply communicated with her. She had a right to be upset with my stoic front, but had she kept in mind just how precious our day would have been for me in general, she wouldn't have had greater incentive to wake up.

And this awful feeling of our relationship disintegrating wouldn't be a reality.

relationship building 101

Just thought I'd write down something I've learned about relationships.

Relationships, very simply, require two people to both prioritize the friendship enough to want to maintain/grow it.
The best way to grow them is to invest time into it.
However, the time investment comes with the caveat of trust. For without trust, the environment cannot foster healthy growth.
If at any time there is shortfall in any of the above, the relationship will suffer either in the short or long term.

I have found that there is a direct proportion in the level of my friendships when I consider how much I trust the other person. Those whom I trust the most I have the closest relationships with. This makes sense. However, what is frightening is the fact that giving someone an extraordinary amount of trust also means giving them free access to your life. This entails giving them the authority to speak into your life when you're acting stupid and/or giving them the free will to stab you in the back at any moments notice (I can attest to both very well).

Very few people recognize that principle. Fewer still the people who will actually leverage the principal to their advantage.


But it's their loss.

at the moment

sad.

very very sad.