Blah

I'm reading C.S. Lewis right now. I wanted to read some of his more famous stuff (i.e. Mere Christianity, Screwtape Letters, Narnia, etc.), yet I was drawn to one of his other books--Grief Observed. It's a personal journal that he wrote after his wife died. I thought that, although I have no such wife (nor is anyone dead for that matter), I may be able to find something worth contemplating in the book.

Anyway, I'm almost done with chapter one and have already found much to reflect upon. For example, Lewis mulls over the thought that sometimes God chooses to stay silent. When we prosper and are savoring the joy of life at the most high of times, God seems to shout most loudly at us; reminding us that we are dependant on Him. Other times, Lewis says, when we reside temporarily in empty misery, no matter how hard we kick and scream God says nothing at all. He says that the pinnacle example of this is when Jesus cried out, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" implying the perplexing decision for God to stay silent during times of most critical need.

Personally, having experienced both sides of life, I've found that I can identify with Clive very well. However, again much like Lewis, I've found that experiencing both of these journeys has never led to a wavering of my faith. If anything, it has only aroused a bigger curiousity as to why God chooses to make the decisions that He does.

Still, I can't quite explain it. God does what He wants because...well...simply cause He can. That may not satisfy some people, but that's ok. If you truly sit down and analyze it, if God is truly what He's supposed to be, then it's certainly not out of the question for Him to make decisions just cause He can. Personally, I take solace in the fact that although Jesus is the most mysterious person I've ever met in my life, He allows me insight into His character. Through the Word, I'm able to identify stable, unchanging nuggets of His character, and hold desperately onto those truths in joy and in pain.

Thus I find myself in my current situation.

Anxious but grateful.

Faithless yet faithful.

Smiling in spite of pain.



most proudly...confident in my uncertainty.