?

I always find myself with the most abstract thoughts really late at night.

That and when I'm taking a shower really early in the morning. I don't know what it is. Maybe it has something to do with my brain not getting a sufficient amount of oxygen and thus abnormal brain function occurs.

Lately I've been finding myself in a funk again. I really don't get it. I should be ecstatic considering the current trajectory of my life, but I'm discovering just how wildly malcontent I am. But part of that stems from the fact that I'm aware that I should be content. It's puzzling really.

I have all these aspirations to be this really great person but what for?
Notoriety? Hardly.
Jesus? Not always.
myself? never.

When I strip it all down, there's still this great big hole from what Glorie used to fill. And I know that, for the long run, it's better that she isn't filling that hole. All the church people in my life would tell me to fill that whole with Jesus and everything will magically be all right. But I don't want to receive any of that.

I know that it's only in my best interest to find contentment in Christ, but what if Jesus doesn't seem good enough? I'm out of my mind for talking like this, but if I were to be extremely honest I would say that I have felt that feeling at times. Where does that come from anyway? Is that from the evil one?

I don't know. I feel so foolish. Of the overflow of blessings in my life, I have the gall to complain about the petty issues that sprinkle my life. My view of God must be shrinking. Otherwise I wouldn't think of such stupidity.


Oh God, if You're still awake, I'd really like to just sit with You right now. Will You show me how high and deep and wide Your love really is? Is my junk really as far from the west is from the east? Do You still honor me with the title of child? Are You serious when You say you want to lavish love on me? Why would You choose such an inconsistent person like me for anything?

Please make my ears sensitive to Your voice; in silence and turbulence help me pick up on Your unmistakable gentleness.