Something Substantive This time

If my recent entries have been any indication, my life has been packed to the brim lately.

Except not really. There's nothing truly noteworthy for me right now. Just the same old turtle me.

I think I've come to a point in this post graduate life of mine where I'm going to start having to make some major decisions. I mean that with every sense of the word. Vocationally, relationally, spiritually, there seems to be a lot hanging in the balance. Yet I approach these decisions the same as I always have.

I've always been a turtle when it comes to making big decisions. It took me over 1 year to decide to try to be a small group leader. I waited more than 2 years into my collegiate life before switching from "Undeclared" to "Finance" for major purposes. In fact the only big decision I really rushed through was my break up with Glorie.

Now that I think about it. I don't know why we agreed that we would both know what the best thing would be for our relationship at the end of 7 days. Maybe we were in a hurry? Who knows.

Anyway, the reason I approach many decisions with such lethargy is that I'm deathly afraid of being too hasty and suffering for it as a result. Earlier in my life (think pre-high school), I would always just do things cause it felt right. Eventually I found out that that mentality leads to utter recklessness.

There were countless times where I said something thoughtless and it ended up causing irreparable harm. Other times I'd make a decision that I would regret later (and some decisions that I continue to regret). Every once in a while I'd make a decision, and things would be ok. I'd do a dance after those decisions.

Because of this, I've learned to really reflect on the implications of actions before doing anything drastic. A lot of people would call me out for being too apprehensive for being this way, but I know that I've regretted far fewer decisions when I've truly sat down and appealed to God to consider what the wise course of action would be in my life.

Sometimes it would be easy. The more I thought about it, the less excuses I had for not being a small group leader for my church.

Sometimes it's hard. When I considered going to Mexico, the thought of asking people to give me money for my trip was daunting. it got to the point where I was scared of even going.

A lot of times it's unclear. When I contemplated taking the Disney internship I got mixed signals every step of the way. But the really curious thing is that I pray a lot harder when I know that something is on the line.

With all that said, today I find myself praying really hard. There are a lot of things on my mind. And they all lead to big implications. So, I think I'll take my time.