Distraught

I had a talk with my mom tonight.

One of those mother to son type of deals. We talked about whom Obama will pick for his running mate. We talked about how a rabbit scared her when she was gardening today. We discussed how much better our TV looked because I calibrated it properly.

But then we delved deeper.

The conversation inevitably turned toward my thoughts. She wondered what I was thinking. Of course, I was thinking about Glorie. This shifted the mood of the conversation from relaxed to uneasy.

I could tell she wanted to talk to me deeply about this subject but she was just so unsure of what to tell me (apparently, my ability to outsmart/outwit can create a sort of intimidation when it comes to simply approaching conversation with me). I desperately made things easier for her. I asked her questions that were open ended.

"Are you on the same boat as dad? Do you think it would be best if I just "moved on" and didn't hope for any friendship with her?"

"I don't think the same as your dad. It's ok to say hi and kamusta every now and then. But this [referring to the mess between our families] didn't happen for no reason at all. I think it would be best if you moved on. Who knows? Maybe the Lord has something better for you anyway."


I didn't really look up at her after that. I understand that my mom means well and only wants the best for her son, but what if I want the friendship? If it's "best" to "move on", why is it that I desire so badly to restore and repair? Am I missing something here? Am I in denial? It seems like it. I don't even think Glorie wants friendship with me as much as I want it with her.

This is why I sit here in a big fog. I want so badly to repair and restore the priceless friendship that I shared with Glorie. To be able to call her up and talk about nothing at all until the early morning. And then to be able to admire her simply because she's such a tremendously admirable person. But it's extremely frustrating when all of my family looks down on me for having that desire. It feels like they're faulting me for still caring.

I wish there were an easy way to tell everyone that Glorie is worth it to me. I don't know how to articulate that. It's beyond sense. I don't think the woman herself would be able to get it. What we were able to share, be it romantic or platonic, is extremely precious to me. I'd do anything to get that back. Even endure the scorn of my family and the abandonment of hers.

But what if I'm wrong? What if I'm just clueless? What if I'm hoping for a reality that will never occur? Am I foolish for hoping?


Faith! I needeth thee immediately!