No I'm not dead

I know it's been a while since I've been here.

Things haven't been completely dark. But, I feel like I'm dead. There's a verse I heard today that kinda sums up how I'm feeling.

"These are the words of him who holds the seven spirits of God and the seven stars. I know your deeds; you have a reputation of being alive, but you are dead." - Revelation 3:1

Cryptic huh? It's stuff like this that makes me wish people read their bible more. Anyway, the last part of that verse is so key. You have a reputation of being alive, but you are dead. To put things in context, John is doing his best to transcribe what he's heard from the angel specifically over the of Sardis. So, the verse I quoted is actually directed toward the group of believers in Sardis.

I feel like I'm part of that group.

You see I have this sterling (or is it?) reputation of being this wonderful person. This small person who leads and discusses and essentially showcases what a Christian is supposed to look like. But right now, I couldn't feel any more dirty.

I don't act in a specific manner in an attempt to gain favor by anyone. Honestly, if someone sees anything worth noting within me, all that they are merely witnessing is the life change that has occurred because of my relationship with Jesus. That is what it is.

However, of late I feel like my relationship with Christ has been waning. I don't really read my bible as much as I did before. I feel like I've massed this wealth of knowledge already; and, in comparison to a vast majority of other christians, I frankly hold my own quite well.

But the truth is, and I know this to be truth, is that I don't know very much at all. The modicum of knowledge I've attained is merely a taste of what could be in store (if I take seriously Jesus' invitation to live life to the fullest). The problem is, I am also aware that accepting this invitation would also mean losing myself.

Which, of late, seems like a high price. Sacrificial even.

I suppose I'm in another desert period. Another storm if you will. I just hope I don't lose sight of God. I hope that I become more pure. I desire to be changed (for the better). I want life change to be radical in me. And I want it to be beautiful.

But I don't want to put in the effort and be intentional about it. It's as if I want to lavish in my sin for an extended period of time.

Worst of all, I don't know where this came from either.


Life is hard.