It's simple really

Faith as it pertains to Christianity all boils down to one simple question:

Is God trustworthy?


My "eureka" moment came during the daily clean cycle of my chewing devices.

Thought Jot

What's on my mind right now? In order of recall:

- I LOVE the show how it's made! It's so cool how they recycle tires!
- Why didn't Myriam call like she said she would? That jerk.
- I wonder what Tita Maricor wants.
- I need to clean my room.
- Will I get a job? All this interviewing and still nothing -_-
- I hope I get to know Kristy better. I hope she knows I don't think she's fake.
- I wonder how my small group is doing.
- I wonder how Summer Gathering went tonight.
- I should probably be praying instead of writing.
- What if I just wrote out my prayer?
- What's Glorie doing..
- I can't believe I lost in madden.
- I want to get on a plane right now.
- I wonder why Politically Jen didn't return my call?
- I don't really know why I'm writing this right now.

I'm in a weird mood.

Friday Night Thoughts

There's been a lot going on.

I just haven't felt much for sharing anything. Well, I have. But I preferred to have it inside my head.

It's a lot. And I carry it much of the time (needlessly). But I'm wired differently. And I think about everything.

One thing that got reiterated to me this week was one of the common perceptions of Christianity today. I read about this previously with the book "unchristian" and tuesday I heard from the author of a book called "they love Jesus but not the church" which, apparently, concluded many of the same things. Sadly, three things are uniform when it comes to non-christian views of christians:

1) They're judgmental.
2) They're arrogant.
3) They're hypocritical.

I thought about it, and I would agree that many, many Christians are this way. I only have to look at my own life for examples.

Time and time again I try to fit people into little boxes that I have made for them. If I perceive someone to be a certain way, I will keen in on certain traits that I expect them to have. Or I may try assuming that they'll only act a certain way. Basically, I will cast expectations on them without even doing proper due diligence. What a stupid thing to do. I would be wise to learn that people are people--and differences among them are to be celebrated.

This goes hand in hand with another awful truth about me--I think I know everything. Often times I will charade with this false sense of security pretending I know everything there is to know about many avenues of life. I don't think it's a stretch to say that I may have a sprinkling of knowledge about some things, but not nearly as much as I think I do. The sad thing is that as a result of this attitude, I instinctively create this "I'm better than you" aura if I sense that you're even slightly less intelligent than me. Another stupid thing to do. It's cliche, but it's so true--truly wise people are the ones who completely understand that they know nothing at all.

The thing that bugs me most about my hypocrisy is that it's awful. I gladly boast about how much I love Jesus (which I really, truly do), but my life doesn't consistently tell the same story. I wish I wanted to pursue God as much as He pursues me. But, there is hope--life change happens in the smallest of increments.


This is not to say that I've never been on the receiving end of these Christian misperceptions either. I need look no further than last year for evidence.

Judgmental ("You're doing nothing but destroying our reputation")
Arrogant ("We're just doing what God wants us to do")
Hypocritical ("You'll always be the son I never had")

Whatever.


All of this simply goes to show just how truly curious God is. As children of God (as we can claim to by the bible), we should be the opposite of all of these things.

We are champions of grace because we have been judged the most impartially (2 Corinthians 5)
We should be among the most humble because we realize there's nothing for us to boast about (Philippians 3)
Our lives should be congruent with our work which should completely eliminate any possibility of hypocrisy (1 Thessalonians 4)

All of this is to point to the universal truth that we, as Christians, should never lose sight of. That God is not some impersonal, foreign God who is impossible to please. That instead our Savior has a face we can know and loves us a ridiculously large amount. And that the intersection of our depravity and His purity is precisely what makes life so fulfilling.

It's time

I think I want to explore life outside of this Christian bubble.

Not a renouncement; rather, a faithful step forward.

Saturday Morning Thoughts

I swear I am the most stubborn creature on this planet.

Lately, I've been on a little cloud of "I'm better than you." It's curious though. This arrogant mindset is not something that I intentionally do. Rather, it's more of a subtle, discovering-how-prideful-I-am-after-the-fact kind of aura.

For instance, I was at a local video game store doing some of my regular game purchasing. Eager to showcase my financial prowess, I never fail to use some sort of combination of coupons to acquire my beloved games for as little as possible.
My cashier, perhaps unfamiliar with my radical money saving methods, had trouble inputting all of my discounts correctly. When she totaled my transaction, I found a mistake. I contested that she didn't do her job. She insisted that she did.

I turned on my vicious, I-am-determined-not-to-lose-an-argument switch. I didn't berate her or anything, but I took this stupid matter of proving that I was right to a personal level. In the end, I got the extra 10% discount, but I really lost the opportunity to demonstrate patience and gentleness.

Saving money is in no way a bad thing. However, in this particular instance it came at the expense of someone else's feelings. Because in my pursuit to get what I wanted, I, by proxy, put someone else down to do so. And what was my ultimate payoff? About $2.13.

I felt convicted immediately upon my drive home. For as all I sing/say/do about how Christian I am, I had a golden opportunity to showcase what Christ is really all about and failed--miserably.

I don't think Jesus would've been glib were He in my situation. As if He would casually say, "Oh you did do all the discounts already? That sounds wonderful. I will go and enjoy my previously purchased wii titles now." That's fake Jesus.

Rather, I think Jesus, in His benevolence, would realize quickly if saving some extra money would be worth the long term payoff of sparking intrigue in the God of the universe. If losing an extra 10% means, at the very least, perhaps just planting a seed for long term curiosity, then the payoff is well worth it. But I didn't think so. Cause I wanted what pleased me.

Humility isn't about valuing yourself or your ideals any less; it's simply being more mindful of others' need more than your own.

Thought Provoking part II

One of the most insightful questions you can ask anyone (or yourself) is simply this:

What is the most important thing in the entire world to you?
Your life will involuntarily flow around your answer to that question.

Thought Provoking

I was watching harold and kumar 2 yesterday.




I didn't really think it was that great of a movie. Plain over the edge comedy if you ask me.

Anyway, there was a scene in the movie where the duo end up going to a brothel. Although I was supposed to be amused by the sex humor, it actually got my mind going in a different direction.

I wonder if Jesus would go to a brothel?

I don't mean that in a cynical, sacrilegious kind of way. But, honestly, would Jesus go to a place like that? The bible tells of countless stories of all the people He hung around with that were looked down upon by society, but seriously would He? He befriended prostitutes, but did He ever go to their work place?

What really started getting my mind going was considering what the reaction would be like if I entered a place like that. Imagine the scandal!

But seriously, if Jesus would very much enter a brothel simply to show those women that there's a better life to be lived, why can't current christians? Why would there be so much backlash if they did so?

Friday Night Thoughts

In the end, I'm finding it easier to smile.

It's incredibly difficult. It's mentally exhausting. But, I'm slowly recovering. I'm eating more now (which is a good thing?). I'm sleeping a little bit better (although when I first lay my head on my pillow, I think about the situation every single night). But, there is light--and it's incredibly bright.

I've stated that it would be so convenient if I could just wrap a big bow around this story and sprinkle some Disney magic to make this thing happily ever after. But, I'm starting to believe more and more, that that bow will never be a reality. This is not in and of itself a bad thing per se; yet it speaks loudly to the reality that everyone, for the large part, is comfortable with the way things stand. I hate where things stand. I want unity. I want communion. I want restoration and clarity. But does anyone else want it?

My parents know how I feel about this, but they long for my heart to turn and accept the reality that the friendship between our families is no more. I wish I knew, with certainty, how they counter party felt. But that hope seems to dissipate daily. I haven't talked to the sister since last year. Likewise with the father. And with the mother it's been more than 6 months. Maybe they feel the same as my parents. Who knows?

One thing I've been holding to is a principle I've learned throughout this whole situation. Many people believe that "everything happens for a reason", but after the fact many resign and sit content never quite knowing what said "reason" really was. That is, if everything happens for a reason, what is the reason?

Since I'm such a big believer in the Christian faith, I naturally turned toward the bible for answers to the question "why?" Now, I'm also a big believer in people being able to make the bible say anything that they want. So, with great trepidation, I rely on the Holy Spirit making simple to me what message God may be trying to communicate to me through the bible as well as devotion to prayer and consultation of wise council. That way, I ensure the greatest level of objectivity before I start saying ridiculous things like "I heard from God and He wants me to do [x]" and thus wildly misrepresenting my Savior.

With that said, I have found the most curious of trends echoed all throughout scripture. Plain and simple is the thought: "We see things on a small scale whereas God works on a scale bigger than we can imagine." Typical Christian adages would go something along of the lines of "When we see the seed, God sees the apple." I like to say (and this is taken from Louie Giglio), when we are staring on our 4x6 or 3x5 snapshots, God is looking at a canvas that's as big as the universe. In a nutshell, God works BIG--and sometimes we fail to keep that in perspective.

Yet that lesson is far too easy. I've found something far more profound just by digging a little deeper. That thought is precisely this: God is completely willing to let His children endure hardship if, on the bigger scale, it means people find salvation.

Joseph had to endure hardship (brothers selling him off?) so that the nation of Egypt might be saved.
Paul and Silas got thrown in jail so that a simple roman guard would find salvation.
Job, aka Mr. Suffering, endured all sorts of calamities so that to prove to all generations the incredible power of faith.
Then there's Jesus. Whose hardship meant that everyone had access to Life forever and ever.

On a small scale, I believe that perhaps I am going through the same thing. I have heard whispers of many close to Ryan finding salvation in Christ due to the closeness of their friendship with the Santos family; a reality that wouldn't have been had things transpired the way that I hoped. And as much as I wish I could say I find joy in that, I can't cause I don't. However, I am smiling. And I do think God is crazy. Yet I can say, with certainty, that I receive God's decision if that ended up being a portion of His greater plan for my life.

With this said, I can't even start to imagine whose life God will touch with the hardship that Glorie has had (and continues to in a sense) endure. There is just a fountain of potential when I view her life. I surely hope I have the honor of being able to continually remind her of the lives that have yet to be touched as a result of her story. I believe that there is beauty yet to be realized and man will it be awesome.

So, I guess after a year I still find myself in a big mess. And, well, that's not that bad of a place to be.

The Desire

What frustrates me most is that I'm misunderstood.

What have I done to warrant such distrust? Where have I been so inconsistent that I must be distanced? Why is it that every single move that I make must be second guessed and meticulously examined? All of these questions linger because they have never been addressed.

Last year, all I did was propose that Ryan may or may not be doing his great acts of service out of his love for Glorie. Prior to this accident, they would have known each other for 2, maybe, 3 months tops. My contention was that it was highly improbable for him to "love" Glorie the way that he was being championed for doing. How could he? They barely knew each other.

I would agree heavily that much of his actions were certainly because he cared for Glorie. However, at what cost was this service? Is it possible that Ryan was doing everything he could, not only because he cared much for Glorie, but also because he wanted to gain esteem as well? That is, was it plausible that Ryan wanted to be "the one" not only because of his concern for Glorie's well being, but also because his service would cement his status as Glorie's boyfriend? The possibility seemed completely legitimate and all I tried to do was caution the family of the danger therein.

Fast forward to now, and apparently Ryan is "completely out of the picture." I treaded lightly while trying to investigate the matter, but discovered quickly that the fallout that must have happened is still quite painful for all parties involved. Therefore, my question remains "what cost is this relationship expensing?"

In fairness, much praise given to Ryan is warranted. Because of his unique occupation, his unrivaled flexibility allowed accessibility to their family. The fruit of that was a very critical role in Glorie's recovery process that perhaps only He could play. In essence, it is reasonable to believe that Glorie's family may not have been able to support Glorie as completely as they did were it not for the way Ryan allowed them to. I see the importance in this.

However, where I contrast greatly with many minds involved in this matter, is the definition of the term "importance." I am not quick to attribute success in Glorie's recovery mostly to anyone. It is my judgment that Glorie is the woman that she is today due to the combined support of countless individuals. If anyone is to be praised more than another, it is simply the Healer who has singlehandedly saved Glorie in the first place.

There are people in Glorie's church who prayed night and day for her. There are little ones whose simple little visited provided enough inspiration to push through the next day. There are unheard stories of how simple news of Glorie's wellness would encourage and build faith in another (to glorify God). All of these, as well as many whom I am certainly omitting, were equally as important in Glorie's recovery as Ryan's service to her. In this story, there is no room for exaltation and rejection. The only thing that matters is faith expressing itself through love and prayer. Yet, as it turned out, one person was filtered away; commanded to yield simply because they had to respect that it was "their time."

If there's anything Matthew 7 teaches us, it's that anytime someone starts pointing the finger at someone else (and how wrong they are/were), they better realize that there are many more fingers pointing back at the flaws of the said finger pointer. As passionate as I was about the unfairness in the situation, I had to ask myself where my compassion was. In other words, was I acting like a religious hypocrite or was I reflecting the Jesus who loved me even when I erred?

So, I took the initiative of writing to the man. I discussed how there had been great misunderstanding between us and basically reached out in an effort to quell any tension that had arisen beforehand. This letter of mine was met with none other than an even greater threat against me. Not to be dissuaded easily, I wrote back again. Before sending I meticulously examined my letter for any poorly worded phrase always conscious of how my tone was perhaps coming across. Content with the extremely approachable wording in the revised letter, I made a 2nd attempt to reach out to Ryan. This was in February. I have yet to hear anything back from him. But who knows. Perhaps he's making sure he's careful with his words in much the same way I was with mine. True love always gives the benefit of the doubt...and I'm willing to do so with him.

Everything I've said merely draws a point. In much the same way I'll never be able to completely identify just what it was like for their family to experience all that they've had to endure the past year, they will never be able to completely identify with what I've had to endure as well. My proposition is for them simply to consider whether or not it's possible for Glorie to be every bit the woman she is now without Ryan playing a lesser role than the one he played last year. If it were, and it could spare all the hurt I've endured and, to a much more important degree, salvage the relationship between our families, would they pursue it? In essence, if there were any other way, would they take it?

But the answer is no. They would choose to do everything the exact same way.

What does one do with that?

Unresolved

It was around this time of the year last year.

Looking back, 365 days seem so recent. I don't really know what to make of everything. I've put off writing about it just because of the delicacy of the situation. But everything still swims around and it drives me crazy. The fact that none of the pieces fit together. Much of the situation still doesn't make any sense. Regardless of how hard I try, my attempts to repair usually end up in vain. I don't know what to say.

As it stands, the relationship between me and her family is completely destroyed. There hasn't been much progress at all for the past several months in terms of repairing the broken relationship. At the beginning of the year, there was some initiative made by the mother to reconcile. But that leads to another issue...

Early in the year there was such potential for breakthrough when the mother showed many signs of remorse. E-mails were sent and phone calls were made. What stands out to me were the words "I am so sorry" and "if I could turn back time I would change so many things." She then ended up asking for forgiveness.

On my end, forgiveness had already been given. I realized, a long time ago, that harnessing bitterness would serve no purpose. If anything, it would only taint my heart and make me cold. So, regardless of whether or not she specifically asked me to forgive her would be moot. It had already been done. The conundrum here is that all of these things should logically point toward restoration--but it hasn't.

You see, my focus has always been to restore and repair the relationship that had been destroyed last year. But there seems to be disagreement on how to address this critical issue.

I desire for there to be mutual understanding between our families. For both parties to see with scintillating clarity how we have arrived at our current brokenness, and then to build foundation afterwards. It's much akin to the relationship that God wants to build with those who have yet to place their faith in Him. The relationship was at a great place initially with much mutual satisfaction (Eden), and then decisions were made to sever the relationship (sin). In order to truly start on the path to relation, there must be understanding as to what made the relationship broken in the first place so that the relationship may develop again more completely. This is why one of the things God desires is a broken and contrite heart (Psalm 51).

I want to follow the same approach. The relationship was beautiful between our families before. Then decisions were made to destroy it. There is potential and hope for the relationship to build again. But it cannot happen without realization of the fall in the first place.

From what I've gathered, the approach couldn't be any more different on their end. Apparently, the course of action to be taken to them would be to have a surface understanding of what has happened in the past. However, we should just let the past be the past and focus on the present because that's what affects the future.

The flaw with this train of thought is that it almost disregards the truth that it's trying to stress. Our present does affect the future. However our past is what used to be our present. And that past is what became the future (which is now present). In other words, past decisions are what has made the present (just as present decisions are what will make the future). It is my strong belief that it would be wise to learn from the past to make wiser decisions for the future. That's why I'm so adamant about addressing how we got to this situation in the first place. Not because I enjoy dwelling on past heartache; rather, it's to survey the implications of past decisions so that we can make the most wise decision possible for the present (in an attempt to ensure the BEST future possible).

"G" wanted to know what I wanted most from her parents. My response was simply to ask them a question.

"If we could go back in time and the only way Ryan would do all the "wonderful" things that he did was if it came at the expense of our families, would you do it all again? If so, would you still do it if there was another way that Glorie could be every bit the woman that she is now without having to expense our friendships?"

The response was that they did the best decision. They're sorry for the pain that it caused, but they would do everything exactly the same way they did before.

Which, in my opinion, is where this story is the most tragic.

Friday Night Thoughts (2 nights after friday)

I'm in one of those states again.

That curious little place where there's a whirlwind of thoughts swirling inside this small brain and nothing seems to cohere neatly for me. This journal used to provide the solace I needed, but ever since last year I can't really say I feel the same way. I don't feel the freedom anymore that comes with knowing I won't be judged; instead, I must always be careful for what I will say otherwise I'll get lawyers called on me. I suppose the best alternative would be to just do one of my "write whatever comes to mind in no order at all" deals. So...

- I miss her so much. Still. A lot.

- Every woman should know that just as they want to be told they're beautiful, men want to know that they're respected. There is no greater compliment than letting a man know that they are inspirational.

- Transitioning to the "real world" sucks. I wish I could just be a college professor and stay in that environment. All this interviewing has me jaded.

- I can't wait until David Crowder Band's CD comes out.

- Romans 1:12-17

- Psalm 62

- Psalm 63:3

- Galatians 5:6

- I can't believe all those verses came to mind in succession just from thinking of the passage from this morning at church.

- I can't even believe that I know any of the bible at all.

- I can't believe how little time I spend reading the bible. I'm getting back to reading it regularly, but it's kind of a paradox. Every time I pick it up I don't want to put it down; I just never pick it up.

- I finished listening to the latest passion podcast. I'm so proud that I'm filipino.

- I wonder what she's thinking about.

- It bothers me that it doesn't bother them.

- Sadness.

- I'd hate it if anyone else had to experience it.

- It's hard staying focused.