Bad Days suck

Sad face.

Re-thinking Tunica

Waiting at the smallest airport I've ever been to to ride the smallest planes I've ever seen to leave one of the smallest cities I've ever visited.

It's been quite a ride.

This trip had been planned for quite some time now and there was much excitement leading up to the trip. A large majority of my family would be here. It would be great. Yet I remained apprehensive because I'm not one for casinos or gambling in general. But I persisted with open expectations.

The whole concept of casinos in general continues to impress me.

[I just looked over to y left and I saw a cockroach walking by the dead carcass of a grasshopper. Awesome.]

If ever there was a concentration of everything tempting in life it would be in casinos. Anyone who loves food would love casinos. There are buffets overflowing with delicious food everywhere you go. It was incredible. If money is more your thang the sky is limitless when it comes to unearned potential. Entertainment never ceases as there are scantily clad women everywhere as well as live bands wherever you go.

Yet, everynight as I casually strolled through each casino I was filled with a profound sense of concern. The people that fill these places are all searching for something...but do they know what it is they're searching for? Fun. Money. Happiness. A good time. Whatever. Are casinos where they're really found?

I ate my hearts content and even won a few dollars. But everytime I would "hit big" I would never be quite satisfied. Taking hand after hand was really great...but it's never quite enough.

I only wonder if everyone who mindlessly kept pressing "repeat bet" at the slot machines felt the same thing? Who knows.

As I await for them to call my number here at the airport I can't help but think about how much potential there is for me to return here one day--except with a different Purpose.

what being there looks like

If there's one thing that I've learned, it's that there are certain people who are truly one of a kind.

These are the rare breed who have an unmistakeable allure about them. Never quite pretentious but always quite genuine there is an undeniable attractiveness that comes with the package.
It's not a learned attitude either. It's really quite the opposite; nonchalance dilly dallying and doing whatever seems like a good idea is often a trademark of these people as well.

One item of note, however, is that there is something common that they do that the vast majority of people simply do not. Everyone recognizes that one great friend is more precious than ten average friends but no one ever considers what makes a person "great."

I am completely convinced that part of the makeup of the greatness is the willingness to spend time with another person.

You see, spending time with someone is one of the dearest ways you can shower intimacy on that person. It communicates, whether voluntary or involuntary, that your life is worth something so huge to them that they're willing to carve time for you.

That's radical!

This is why I'm being more intentional about meeting with people. I want to foster rich relationships so that I can cut all the pretense from my life. Hopefully the seeds that get planted because of these meetings will pay a huge dividend somewhere.

Perhaps.

The Joy of Reconnecting

I had a fabulous lunch with a [lost] old friend yesterday.

It always helps when the lunch is at one of my favorite places to eat (Chow Baby). And it also helps that it was Friday so things were already a great start.

That said, we got our food, sat down, and just started talking about life. It was so great.

You see, I'm the type of person who becomes quite polarizing quite quickly. One of my greatest strengths is that I have a very vivid/colorful personality (at least that's what I get told). Yet this ends up rubbing people the wrong way quite often. Either they won't get my humor or perhaps I'll be perceived as being insensitive or some people end up being just straight up haters. And while I truly wish I could build rich, authentic relationships with everyone I encounter, I have come to receive the fact that not only is it not possible, but it would devalue the relationships I most cherish now.

Yesterday was a great example of one relationship I do value very very much.

For me, one of the greatest measure of someone's authenticity is how comfortable they are talking about very deep subjects. Everyone talks about sports, the weather, facebook, whatever; and it's really healthy to talk about all those things. But eventually everyone is faced with the issues in life that truly matter. All your actions are driven by your faith and your values and they eventually manifest themselves through actions and words. That's why, when I'm able to speak with anyone who dives deep into those things, it communicates that in one way or another they are shifting their focus from the present to the everlasting.

All that in mind, what I really can't stand is how awesome some people can be. When you talk about humble, extraordinary character people only a handful of people will ever cross your life.

I had the joy of eating lunch with one yesterday.

What would my life look like if..

- I truly believed God was with me?
- I truly prayed like it meant something special to me?
- I read my bible like a cherished love letter?
- I invested time with people like it was my last day on earth?
- I was thankful for EVERY blessing?
- I leveraged my talents for something incredible?
- I tried my hardest to reconcile all past broken bridges?
- I loved more?


Wow.

losing can be winning

One thing that I'm really happy about is the truly competitive drive that has been instilled into me.

I absolutely cannot stand losing.
At all.

Since picking up on this whole tennis thing, my competitive attitude has transferred to the tennis courts as well. My overall win-loss record is very high. I think I've maybe lost 4 matches total (2 from doubles and 2 from singles).

Tonight was another tally for the loss column.

I was frustrated and angry. You see I was forced to retire from the match because I ended up cramping in the middle of the game. It was as if any opportunity I had was just taken from me. Hours after the match it's what I kept thinking about. And now, several hours still later, it continues to haunt me.

But why?

The only solace I can think of is the fact that there's still so much I have left to learn about being humble. Not once this season did I thank God immediately after the match for a win (I had been undefeated until tonight). In fact, the thought didn't even come to me that he had kept me injury free for basically 2 years up to tonight.

That said, I don't think God is like some sort of scientific formula in that He's punishing me for not choosing to thank Him or whatever. But, I do think that it's an encouraging sign to realize that instead of just sulking and accomplishing nothing, I can choose to focus on everything that I do have (instead of the win that I don't have). These things, just recently, include the following:

- a new job at Radiant.
- a new car that's really nice.
- a new computer.
- a newer playstation 3.
- a new digital camera SLR.
- a new pair of season tickets for the falcons.
- a new stringing machine.
- a new tennis racquet.
- a new radio for my car.
- lots of new clothes.
-probably more that I'm not thinking about.

Putting this in context of my loss, all I have left to say is that it reinforces a principle I've already learned. When it comes to adversity, the response to the stimulant is everything. I still can't stand that I lost, but it's not going to be something that I will allow to slow me down.

I guess counting your blessings really does help shape your perspective.

exhausted

but I'm committed to writing in this.

In no order..

- played tennis today.

- twice.

- Miss Terri and Phuong big time.

- Even porcupine too.

- Won injured.

- Really should be playing at a higher level.

- Where does my life need total renovation?

- Where does my character need total reconstruction?

- The analogy could also be used in the fitness world. Who cares if you have a treadmill. The value is in the execution.

- I'm such a nerd that I'm starting to watch Starcraft II videos.

- Doing really well at work.

- Got to hear from Allison today. What a girl.

- Got to hang out with Esther today. What a girl in a different way.

- Got to hang out with Erskeen today. What a guy.

- Got to help Steven out with his dilemma. What a mess.

- Got to think about God today and how much grace He provides. What a God.




And I'm gone.

what I'm contemplating tonight

"Unapplied truth is just like unapplied paint. It doesn't do anyone any good when it's just sitting there. The value is entirely in the application."

walking the walk

There's nothing more lethal to a person's creditability than hypocrisy.

This is why it's especially intense in the church world.
This is also why I have so much respect for my pastor.

Given the amount of fame he has and the number of different commitments he can make, it's really refreshing to see him come to church and not do anything. Not be obligated to do announcements or speak the message but to just be a regular attender.


And when you have my vantage point on stage, it's especially powerful seeing him pray and sing just like one of the hundreds in the room.

growing...pains

One of the great things about being a believer is that God will ALWAYS answer your prayer to stay humble.

This is a virtual daily prayer of mine. Specifically, I ask Him to reveal the impure parts of my heart so that I may further develop my character. And sometimes it sucks when that prayer gets answered.

Lately I've been on a very high wavelength in life. Things are really going great. But tonight I was kind of reminded of some other areas of my life that still have a long way to go.

One area I find a lot of frustration in is the whole "love life" thing. I don't really want to settle for just anyone...but when I do find someone that's genuinely awesome, I start getting kind of awkward.

There's a girl at my church that I've always thought was very attractive but never really had any desire to pursue anything. I tried making some conversation tonight.

fail.

Although I don't think I'm hopeless, I realize that maybe I should just focus on developing me really. And the girl who really will be worth it for me won't magically just drop in my lap...but maybe, just possibly, she'll be working on her character too.

And our relationship will be infinitely better because of it.

Trajectory

I got to meet with the CEO of Radiant today.

Best quote? "You are smart people who are surrounded by smart people."

Excited for tomorrow.

Talk about wow

I had a chance tonight to see a former Miss America.

This event wasn't a surprise. I wasn't even looking forward to it. In fact, I was kind of skeptical of even going because I didn't want some beauty snob telling a room full of people some cliche life moral that everyone already knew about. I went anyway just hoping to be surprised.

And nights like tonight are part of the reason why I'm very happy that I'm not right all the time.

Kirsten Hanglund is one of the most beautiful people I've ever been around in my whole life. Obviously she quite radiant from a physical standpoint. But you want to talk about spiritually smokin'? This girl was straight up FIYAH!

She spent a large part of her time talking to all the students about eating disorders and the various ways it can manifest itself into all people. Then she shared how it has been (and continues to be to an extent) a very big struggle for her personally as well. There were the typical valleys and peaks that life stories usually take and hers was no different.

But, what I found incredibly impressive was how much of her faith she shared. It was quite evident that she had been through a lot. Yet in transparency she continued to share just how much she found herself leaning toward God every single day of her life. And she was always quick to point to the fact that she needs so much grace every single day of her life. And all of it was real. None of it came in a rehearsed, scripted sort of fashion. Just straight up person being real. Beauty.

And then she started quoting scripture. And let's just say it was pretty obvious she was a bible reading woman. Magnifique.

In the end, I was so enchanted with her beauty. Not because I thought she was some trophy wife that I wanted to show off...but because it really is true that there's nothing quite as attractive as a woman who is 100% secure in Christ. It kind of rekindled my hope that someday I'll be able to find a girl who takes this following Jesus thing seriously in much the same way I do.

Who knows...maybe I'll even find myself dating a Miss America.

nothing really profound to say

It's been a rather boring[?] weekend for me.

Worked on friday and went to a birthday party for my dearest cousin-in-law.
Had a 7:30 AM tennis match saturday (yes...I know).
Watched USA crumble against Ghana.
Tried to watch Toy Story 3 with Ethan but he was insistant on taking a nap instead.
Ate at O'Charley's with the fam.
Signed Jessica's cast.
Served middle schoolers at Buckhead church.
Lights didn't catch on fire.
Went home, ate lunch, packed clothes and went back to BC.
Served at 6:00 service doing some fine camera work.
Saw Karina after service and decided to give her a back stage tour of BC. It was glorious.
Saw Dani and established that we've been partners in production for almost 3 years now. Crazy!
Rafa joined the circle of awesome and the place almost blew up.
Prodigal brother = "I don't deserve this." | Older brother = "I deserve more." Deepness.
Played another tennis match 8 pm.
Never been more happy for a shower.
I'm just really thankful all around.


God, now that things are looking more "up" for me, I hope You know that I love it. But, help me to cling to You just as desperately as when I was in my "valley." And give me the maturity to understand that in both places there is growth and peace to be found. Amen.

life keeps blurring

I have a commitment literally every night of the week.

I need space.

Focus[ing]

One great benefit of going through a lot of the "downs" I did for the end part of last year are the observations that I've been able to make. One of these is the concept of perspective.

For awhile, I had much contempt toward my situation at starbucks. Rather, it was a perpetual grudge.

But something changed.

Eventually I realized that my hope was placed in the wrong thing. For even if I acquired the "perfect job" what will I have gained? That realization was paramount. What it ended up doing was breaking down for me that one of the keys to life is not the circumstance you are under, but the approach and resolve with which one acts with life. That is, to have your focus placed on something (or Someone) that will not change regardless of circumstance.

For me, it began a really deep growth phase in my personal faith. And, fast forwarding, it helped me to become a greater person of character as a result.

Someday, I think I'll be sharing this concept with a lot of people. Maybe.

What lies beneath

It's something everyone knows, but doesn't pay attention to.

There's greater danger present than what one may first perceive. This has been an important lesson for me because it reinforces the principle that I must continue to be aware that there's always more at stake than what seems obvious.

This occurred again yesterday. I went to go play flag football with some compadres. Said hombres I have a connection with due to my friendship with one Miss K. Sure enough, when I go to the game yesterday good ol' porcupine was right there. I'm unsure why she was there (maybe to support the guys?) but it surfaced again this tension between us. Not a word was exchanged between us.

Anyway, this simply goes to show that there's still so much inside of me that needs reform. For with all the maturing I have gone through the past several months, there's an extremely high amount of pride when it comes to certain aspects of my life. Yesterday, I desired very much to sit down on the grass next to Kristy and just talk with her and catch up on her life. But, it's so important to me to really rub it in that if she "just wants space" then I'm going to give her all the bloody space she can handle. It's coming at the expense of the relationship, but it's what she wants.

The problem is, I am in no way demonstrating any kind of love toward Kristy. My whole "this is what you get for acting this way" mentality does nothing to benefit me or her. Some council of mine will point out that a hard line stance like this is necessary due to the nature of the relationship, but ehh.

This I do know, no one wins when the tension remains. One person has to humble themselves to take steps to restore the friendship. I just feel like maybe I want the friendship too much and she doesn't want it at all.

all I have to say is

OMG!

realignment

There's a linear correlation between my desire to get things done and my mental wellness.

That is, the more I get things done the more at peace I am. But, I get drawn out when I want to get things done but don't. I have many ideas that need journaling but have yet to.

Hopefully today is the first small step.

dual edged swords

A very trusted council of mine recently told me that one of my biggest strengths has the potential to be my biggest weakness.

This surfaced today. I discovered that my cousin reentered critical condition. More complications. More stuff running through my head about things I can't fix.

Then Terri asked me whether or not I'd rejoin the team for summer season. I would enjoy it very much, but know that it wouldn't be a healthy decision. I communicated that to her with which my response was a quaint "ok." Don't want to read too much into it, but it seems like she was holding out hope for an outcome she knew was highly unlikely. Or maybe not?

So, this leads me to the whole search for catharsis in the first place. What this ended up triggering was a real intense desire for justice. I'm unwilling to join the team cause good ol' porcupine will be there. And frankly, it doesn't seem that desirable to go through another 2 months of awkward turtle.

I spent a pretty decent amount of time thinking and rethinking of whatever I could do to fix the situation but I think at this point I'm just wasting my time. She's not the type to stay idle; if she wants something she pursues it. It's likely that. although at one point in time we may have had authentic closeness, it clearly isn't the case any more. Regardless of whatever has transpired to gradually regress us to this point, the ugliness is that we aren't anything. Not even friends.

If she wanted it to be different, I think she'd try to fix it. But why would she? She has her new boy toy now and life is just dandy for her. What does she need me for?

Only thing is, after all my analytics, I think I'm the one who feels sorry for her. It doesn't come from an arrogant "I'm better than you" state of mind either. And I really don't think it's cause I'm the least bit jaded because I'm not getting what I want. But it's a sincere, "I wish better things for your life." Her current direction will result in only two outcomes. One day she will realize exactly how rich of a resource she had with me and will lament ever releasing it or her current season of happiness will dwindle at some point (in addition to the inevitable relationship problems that will come from her new bff) and she'll want me to bounce ideas off of. The current bff will fade until another one falls into place. Then rinse and repeat into a cycle of never quite there-ness. I won't be part of the picture either way.

Who knows...perhaps her life will just continue to be 100% awesome without me. She'll get married and live happily ever after. But even in that reality, there would still be shortfall in that a very good friend in me is lost. Or, if I wasn't a good friend to begin with, it would falsify everything she told me she enjoyed so much about me to begin with. Although now that I write that out, it doesn't seem like such a farfetched possibility.

I finally got some peace again when I realized I'm thinking of things too much. I think a big reason why I'm so bothered by this is that I'm seeking repudiation from her entirely. I'm so unwilling to let go of the fact that she was so fake to me. But, as I thought that out, that's a fred problem and not a porcupine problem. If she has wronged me and isn't remorseful about it, that's God's prerogative to deal with it on His terms. But if I have a problem with it going "unnoticed" then it's more a refletion of me not forgiving her entirely. I'm still waiting on something...

Which, thankfully, is something that I can work on. Forgiveness is just as much for me as it is for her. Because I'm starting to believe all of that Christian stuff about living a life that isn't centered on me anymore. Here, I just want to get to a point where I can see Kristy physically and just be thankful to see her (even if she isn't thankful to see me). I'm still working on it, but I believe I can get there. I just get so bogged down with all the pretense. It'd be so much easier if she could just admit she'd rather pretend like she didn't do anything wrong to me then try to play both sides and spin everything like it's my fault for our non-relationship.

But whatever. For now I think I'll continue the path I've been going. Disengaging and relinquishing a relationship doesn't mean that you stopped caring about that person. But, in this relationship, Kristy has to start caring more about our relationship if it's ever to be healed.

If she want's it healed.

[good] friday night thoughts

Really interesting service this evening at Buckhead Church.

I decided to go by myself. This isn't really that new but it was a good change up for me because I'd be ATTENDING church and not volunteering (like I will be on easter). The place was straight up packed and it was great.

I ended up sitting near a lady who had also come by herself. She kind of had the same look on herself that I must have; we both didn't really know what to expect but knew God would show up big. It's too bad we didn't come with a friend.

Anywho, the night started with some really strong bass. I'm talking shake your bones bass. This was accompanied with crazy lights (the lighting is always so dramatic at BC) and was immediately followed by a video. Then it was kind of weird. The format became video-song-video for a good 20 mins. Jeff Henderson spoke a pretty good message (it was of the standard Christ humbled himself flavor) then more music and video.

Now, the reason any of this is noteworthy is because what happened later in the evening. Firstly, I actually didn't participate in communion this evening. It just didn't feel right. Secondly, there was a strange lack of focus for me. When we started singing about the Cross and all of these wonderful things about the Cross, I couldn't help but notice that the guy next to me kept looking at his watch for the time.

I wanted to punch him in the face.

If he were in such a hurry he could've just not come. Or, if he had somewhere to be then he could've left early. But, why in the world would he keep looking at the time when we're all singing to God? Then I realized that it's precisely for people like him that Jesus did die. Then a quick glance to my left was the aforementioned woman. Hands fully in the air with tears streaming down her face while we sang "Jesus paid it all."

Irony at it's finest.
God's hilarious.
He personifies juxtaposition.