Ever had that feeling where you don't know where to start?

It's been just under a week since I've been back.

"Wow" seems to be the only words that come out. Honestly. I've been trying to unpack everything (little by little), but work has really been consuming my time. I haven't really been producing (producing defined here as applications turned in), and thus they get on my case when I leave the country for a week. It's ok (I hope). So, the updates have been slower than I had anticipated.

Anyway, I'm feeling pretty good at the moment. The picture sums it all up. There's a lot of blue in my sky right now. And there's even strategically placed palm trees to liven things up a bit. Note how my picture isn't exactly blemish free, but it's oh so happy.

Yesterday was my mom's birthday. We celebrated by spending $1300 at Fogo de Chao (this would be the 2nd time in two weeks, mind you, that I ate at a Brasilian churrascaria). The night was festive enough but only exacerbated my desire to be back in Brasil and speak portuguese again. And speaking of which (pun intended) I got a random text message from good ol' praiselynn. Apparently the card I sent was received. Hooray!

Today we mostly spent celebrating Jessica's birthday. She turned the prime age of one and there was a festival enjoyed by all. Ok, perhaps it wasn't a festival (and by all, I mean all of the Godoy family) but we did celebrate with her. She had a dress on and even wore a tiara. It epitomized the meaning of the word "awwwwwwwwwww."

Guess that's it for now. Nothing profound. Just stating the facts.

Finally here

I've been traveling for more than 14 hours now. I'm exhausted.


And excited! Oi! Bem-vindo!

Friday Morning Thoughts

Well, here I am.

It's been a tumultuous 5 days, but I'm finally able to just sit down and express. It's interesting really. The rest of my team is a few isles over carrying about in their random riff-raff. I'm against a column patiently waiting for our flight to leave for San Paolo. I guess this kind of encapsulates me in a sense. I've always been the "off" one.

Lately, I've been pretty sad. Nothing particularly dramatic has happened. But, I think that a lot of my emotions are due to the fact that I place seemingly unattainable expectations on people. Not that I demand that my friends be this way or that way; it's simply that I expect my friends to act in a manner that reflects how I may treat them.

Kristy has been a sterling example of this.

The understanding is that I am one of her most cherished friends. The valuation is likewise. However the tension lies in the expectations. I, for one reason or another, have fallen head over heels for this woman. Knowing this, it has caused her to not act like herself. As a result stupid stuff seems to happen. Like her giving me the distinguished title of "most awkward person that I know" on my birthday of all days. And the small little arguments that we end up getting into for no reason at all. Sometimes I wish I could say to her "you know...how would you feel if I treated you the way that you treat me?" but it's kind of like taboo to say those things. And it sucks. Because it feels like I'm the one at fault for expecting more out of the friendship than she has. But shouldn't I expect great things from my friends?

Then there's additional tension between friends who expect so much from me. I try to be the most loyal and great friend to each and every person I truly consider close, but sometimes it can be rather fatiguing. I just wish some people would understand that as great as they think I am, I'm not superman. And it is likely that I will fail them at some point in the future.

This doesn't even include how easy it is for me to get hurt by Glorie again. I've tried to initiate small conversations but that has been hard as well. It's like her life has been in motion for so long and I've long missed my window to be a part of it. Which truly saddens me. Because I would do everything possible to slow my life if it meant it would be for her benefit. Alas, I think I'm beginning to understand that Glorie just doesn't see me the way I view her. Because it doesn't matter that all this BS happened between us in the past. I still choose to view her as Glorie. Even though I'm clearly not fred to her anymore.




Gotta jet! We're boarding.

Don't fret!

There shall be a true post soon.

There's a few items on my plate that I've been delicately juggling and I'm...managing. Said items include, but are not limited to,

- Brazil in 9 days? Holy mother of grail.

- 6 appointments in 4 hours. Beat that hot shot.

- Undeniable vs unexplainable.

- She said I was easily the best at making people around me incredibly uncomfortable.

- Praise didn't say happy birthday to me. Not a requirement...no. But noticeably omitted. Maybe she forgot? Maybe she had no desire. Maybe she wasn't allowed? Maybe she was unsure. Whatever the case I definitely noticed. And, I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt (perhaps foolishly).

- Obama isn't the devil people. And His decisions aren't signs of an upcoming apocalypse. True leadership comes from recognition that there's a greater Leader. Honestly, it starts with that principle understanding.

- I miss Glorie.

- They have me serving almost every weekend between NP and BC. I suppose burnout will come at some point.

- Influence comes with respect. Respect comes with authority. Authority starts with servanthood. That's the way.

- oh snapz!!!

Friday Morning Thoughts

Yesterday one of my small group members asked me a question.

"I was going to get you a game but I didn't know if you'd play it. Seriously, what do you want for your birthday?"
"Honestly you don't have to get me anything."
"There's nothing that you want?"
"I want mostly intangible things."
"Like what?"
"...I'd love a reconciled relationship with Glorieanne. That's a great starting point."




Yeah. Still very much there. 2 years after the fact even.

Not to say that there hasn't been any progress; because there have been hints of what "could be."

But I want my best friend back. That would be awesome.

3:52 AM

I won money playing poker.

more than 3 times what I put in even.



Yet all I kept thinking about was her.

Friday Afternoon Thoughts

I don't get it at all.

Here I am as excited as anything about our day together. It was supposed to be splendid. The goal was to meet up early so that we can begin "study day." Then we would go our separate ways to go fulfill our various commitments.

But, as things often do in my world, events didn't naturally transpire the way that I envisioned them to in my head.

In my anxious state, I woke up bright and early this morning to start my journey to the local library. I thought I would be thoughtful and grab a nice little bite for my friend (oh, yes I'm talking about Kristy) since it was likely hunger would surface at some point during the day.

As I'm sitting and eating my breakfast, she calls. She had clearly just woken up and had spent all last night making music. I thought that was really cool. But it dawned upon me that she probably wouldn't even be in the atlanta area for another 2 hours. "It's cool. I'll just roll with it." became the sentiment.

Somewhere along the way in the 4 hours I was studying myself (which was brutal btw), I started to consider the fact that perhaps I was more enthralled about our day than she was. She finally arrived and let me know that she got carried away playing with her niece and nephew.



This is all to say that, for the 4 hours we've been studying now, it's slowly starting to dawn on me that it's likely that I'm putting more into the friendship than she is. Today in particular she seems very easily irritable. Like she was simply hanging out with me to fulfill some obligatory need.

But who wants a friend like that?

Oh well. I suppose I'll do what I always do and just keep serving her the best that I can. A lot of my friends have said that I'm wasting my time...but I truly digress. I'm not going about hopelessly praying for some change in direction or something; but I have peace knowing that all of the investment that I'm making will stand distinguished forever and ever. If, for one fortuitous reason, God is able to plant a seed in her life through me then it will all be worth it.

I just wish I didn't like her so bad -_-

):

I feel like an idiot.

Big God in small earth

I took this photograph the other day.

There's nothing particularly creative or anything about the shot, but if you glance too quickly you'll miss what makes the picture so awesome. Did you see it? You know...God?

The shadow, whether one admits it or not, forms a smiley face on the headrest of my vehicle. The reason this is significant is that, paradoxically, God shows up BIG in the small places. I never thought about this until recently. And then the verse immediately came to me:

"11 The LORD said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by."
Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. 12 After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a GENTLE WHISPER." 1 Kings 19

Look for God in the small places. You may even find Him smiling.

what what!

Passed my variables exam today. Talk about hip hop hooooooray!

That's 2 down 2 to go until I'm completely registered for your mutual funding pleasure (-;

the beauty of rejection

there's a funny way people can be when it comes to dismissing certain things.

Take my job for example. Today was NYL's "call-a-thon." All that really means is that we would go about our regular activities today with a specific focus on being on the phone to make more appointments. Only problem with me is that I've exhausted most of my friends who are actually willing to sit down with me. The other ones just say "we already have that covered" and don't even give me a chance to simply explain to them what it is that I'm doing in the first place. I mean c'mon. I'm not forcing a scorpion down anyone's throat; I simply ask for 20 mins and feedback at the end. Hasn't my friendship with [x] merited at least that? I suppose not.

So, this leads us to what I spent a considerable amount of time doing today--cold calling. I liken to compare cold calling to taking a shower in ice. Sure...you are technically more hygienic as a result but it's the most miserable process ever. So, more than 100 dials later, I still didn't make any appointments. Needless to say, "no" was the operative word of today. (as an aside, two of the people that I called passed away 2 years ago so that technically was a no--'twas just extremely awkward).

Then, to kind of put the cherry on top, my would be date for a particular wedding at the end of the month just informed me that they would not be able to join me in celebration. Now I normally wouldn't be bothered by this sort of thing (after all there was no obligatory contract signed or anything), but the timing of this response was just awful. I asked her well over 2 months ago if they would go ahead and put it on their calendar. The response was a tentative one, "ok I'll think about it but I have to see because I never know what will come up in my schedule." Fair enough.

January finally rolls around and still no answer. February rolls in and urgency starts to set in. I finally remind her wednesday.

"I'll let you know by Sunday."
"With respect, is there any way you can be for sure? Because my friend is making name tags and she wants to know who my +1 will be."
"I'll just have to see. I don't know yet."

Fittingly, tonight my friend calls to see if there had been a response with my indecisive prospect. I call said prospect.

"Oh I don't think I can go because I have to work."
"Well is there any way you can work half a day? Or can someone cover?"
"No because we opened up our new store and no one will be there to cover for me."
"...ok."


Now, this is particularly irritating, not because she said no to me, but because of the timing with which it was executed. I honestly couldn't care less that she said no, but at least have the courtesy to give me (and my friend for that matter) the time to make amends in lieu of the lack of commitment. It's not like she didn't know about it. I gave her 3 blasted months to plan ahead. If she knew that there was no way she could get out of work, perhaps that's something that would've been useful several weeks ago before the new shop was opened? It's just annoying. Why can't people be, at the very least, courteous?





then there are those rides home by yourself. Those quirky little God moments where He intervenes and casts light on one's own faults. And, although, in both of these instances I've clearly been treated with less respect than I deserve, it doesn't give me any right to complain about anything. In fact, I have no grounds to even begin contemplating how unfair the situation is. Rather, how profound would it be if I just embraced the whole thing just grateful for the opportunities?

Instead of complaining about how many people won't set appointments with me, just being grateful that I have a job (especially in light of the ever increasing layoffs).
Instead of complaining about how stupid someone acted in terms of their poor handling of an invitation, being joyful of the fact that I'm able to celebrate the union of a dear friend?


Perspective changes everything.

small groupin it

Tonight was quite an interesting night.

It was the first time my small group was going to meet completely. You see, previously there had only been about 5 of us in tandem. Considering that ideally all of us agreed that 8 would be a number worth shooting for, we (and by we I mean me) attended grouplink in an attempt to get new members. New members were indeed added and tonight was the night everyone met each other.

The night started jovially enough. Casual talk. Casual greetings. The like. But things got intently intense during a specific portion of the night.

I shared how I couldn't, for the life of me, understand how I was such a dummy for a particular girl named Kristy. I mean, there's nothing that is utterly indescribable about her, but yet somehow the relationship has been conditioned to the point where logic, at least on my end, is completely thrown out of the window.

The conversation invariably traveled to the point as to whether or not we should date. I, in infinite confliction, articulated the crux of the dilemma. Although it is evident that our chemistry is that of legendary standards, the singular glaring difference between us is our faith. There is no debate to be had on this topic. I'm simply much more focused on living a life for God than she is. This sets up what Christian people call being "unequally yoked."

This leads us to how the conversation went tonight. One of the new members talked about why it wouldn't be so bad to date her after all. I rebutted how a difference in faith means a difference in foundation from the very start (meaning bad, bad, bad). And, when it comes down to it, I should be in a posture to want to obey the bible. He didn't understand that concept. In his eyes, simply believing in God but not necessarily following the bible would be sufficient.

I don't think so.

Were that the case, perhaps it would be a wise idea to go about fornicating wildly until every fleshly pleasure gets satisfied. Or perhaps it would likewise be ideal to parade around in drunken revelry with utter disregard to how one should present themselves. After all, we would all still believe in God right?

The night ended with me simply stating that there are often times in my life where I am naturally inclined to go in one direction that is contradictory to the direction that the bible wants me to go. And it is at that time that it is most crucial for me to voluntarily choose the bible over me.

Because there is such thing as ultimate truth. And that, instead of my own will power to do whatever, is what my faith is vested in.

just a thought

I could probably glorify God 1,000,000x more with my life if I would just get out of my own way.

Saturday Night Thoughts

I went to a pretty weird church tonight.

Well, I use the term "weird" pretty loosely. This particular church was an Iglesia Ni Cristo (Church of Christ). I had never been to one of these but a friend from work invited me. I'm pretty solid in terms of what I believe already so I figured hey what's the harm?

It turned out to be quite the night.

I knew something was amiss immediately as I looked at the sanctuary. Everyone was solemnly facing forward. It was almost funeral like...sans a coffin in the front. Then I observed the curious way that guys were sitting on one side of the room and girls were sitting on the other. Then there was the fact that all of the staff was wearing different flavors of green. "Fred, don't judge a book by its cover." I thought as I politely found my seat.

We sang songs that I didn't know to begin with. The man next to me was delightful to say the least. As he sang with all of his heart, I couldn't help but notice him pronouncing the words in trademark taglish (that's tagalog-engligh I should say). His accent was incredibly joyous and I'm sure God soaked it all in. We prayed at the culmination of the singing session with which, ever so often, the congregation would unanimously respond by saying "yes, Father." Different...but still cool.

Eventually the speaking portion of the evening arrived. I notice immediately that the reverend neither introduced himself nor was introduced by a fellow member. He must be humble not to do that. But then the meat of the night was rather interesting (in a bad way).
The topic at hand was how to determine whether or not someone was a Christian and specifically how to obey God so that one can be prepared for the end times. Normally, I'm not that intimidated by eschatology, and this night proved no different. However, the more and more that the reverend started teaching, the less and less I agreed with him. Specifically there are three things that stood out as key misunderstandings.

1) They believe that the Trinity is man-made fabrication and that there is only one God (the Father). Specifically, the belief is that Jesus was nothing more than a sent man from God.

2) They believe that one cannot enter heaven through faith alone.

3) One specific statement that really got under my skin was that "if we are disobedient to God, we are the equivalent of trash to Him."


I was actually glad I went tonight. I think it's incredibly important for everyone to be challenged in what they believe. And, from a Christian perspective, if someone is talking about the bible, to be able to talk bible straight back to them and defend WHY it is you believe what you do. Although I didn't delve into much theological banter tonight, I left even more thankful for Jesus. And, while others may have disagreed with me, they knew I was solid where I stood. And it was great.

Oh, and not to mention several very attractive people in the room. d(^_^)b

Response?

I'm in a different place compared to where I was last time.

That day actually ended up pretty well. My peace came down to this: The appropriate response to everything that happens in life is worship.


It's pretty challenging and gratifying all at the same time.

footprint

Although I should be working right now, I have chosen to take time out to write here.

There has been a lot going on through my head. Often times I would want to write and write and write but I simply haven't. Naturally, there has developed a build up of colliding processes and random tangents that it's been particularly difficult to manage.

I feel like my life has compacted on me pretty badly. I used to be so quick to reflect. So eager to pause and consider. But now I'm finding that I just kind of let whatever happens happen.

This is unlike me. This vicarious "live and let live" mentality. Purpose is an incredible thing to have guide you through life. Yet, with it firmly to my side, I've been almost whimsical in using said tool. Tragic.

All in all I don't know what I'm going through. Spiritually, I'm still finding time to read my bible and pray regularly, but it feels like a "going through the motions" kind of lifestyle. Something is definitely off.

I wonder where my faith has gone. I used to have such confidence that God was HUGE. Now He's just (theoretically) big.

It's probably a culmination of a variety of different decisions and ends. Relationships that have gone awry, potential that has quickly faded, expectations that were never met, and this innate feeling of disappointment from other people counting on me.

Whatever.

Sunday Night Thoughts

11 days and I'm finally able to write on this thing again.

There's been a lot of my mind. A lot of things yet to come. And a lot of things that have already happened.

Lately, I've been reflecting on the past year. Simply trying to learn from my journey and apply beneficial principals moving forward. One concept I've found particularly noteworthy was that of judgment.

It's nothing new really. After all, I have thought and re-thought this same virtue over and over again. But, it doesn't necessarily have to be new in order for it to be something valuable. In this case, I have discovered that just hearing something again has been really refreshing.

This surfaced recently this year. I was on the phone, as I find myself doing from time to time, and started conversing. Eventually, dialogue shifted to a lot of stuff regarding "the drama" (this person is well aware of a lot of the stuff that happened). Essentially they summarized that perhaps I should reconsider my whole stance about how God was working in my heart because if that were the case, according to them, I would be a lot different by now.

I've never seen my anger fuse light faster than it did at that moment.

I don't know what happened, but them saying that infuriated me on a whole new level. I've never felt so judged in my life. They, in a span of just 5 minutes, tried to encapsulate my entire year just by making a few observations based on how I was acting at that moment. However I ended up pretty thankful because it surfaced many things.

1) There was plenty of truth to what they said. Not because their assertion was right in any way at all (I have been making progress mind you). But because if I were truly at peace with everything, I would never have been so easily angered over nothing at all. Hmph.

2) I am guilty of judging just as much as they are. They made assertions and premature conclusions about me; but I never considered that I do the exact same thing to them when I pretend to know exactly where they are in terms of their own process. Sure, it's likely that they are probably completely different place than me...but that doesn't mean that I know it all.

3) I have no right to point a finger at all. Not when there are so many that can be pointed back at me FIRST.




Humility again God? Haven't you taught me this before?

You are hilarious.

Who..me?

I'm not dead I promise.

I just can't portion my time properly. Lots of little life updates. Lots of big ones too.

But I want to be able to think them through.

With the quickness.



It'll just have to wait...for now.

12.30.08

It's been a year.

And I still have so much to learn.

The only thing I think I've wrapped my mind around is: God.

God in my laughing.
God in my weeping.
God in my bitterness.
God in my frustration.
God in my ecstasy.
God in my curiosity.
God in my dreaming.

Yes, all of those but more simple. The fact that God is, well, God.

The compelling thing about believing God, if He is who He claims Himself to be, is that He is the most faithful person in the entire world. As such, I have learned (and relearned) that there is no satisfaction or joy that comes apart from Him.

Much of my maligned faith this year has been from a wildly incorrect perception that I would all of a sudden be so much happier once "the situation" was finally resolved. In other words, once there was true reconciliation between me and the Santos family, I believed that there would be some glorious restoration between my joy and my life.

But I'm starting to believe that even if that were to happen, there still wouldn't be some surreal joy in my life.

No, that must come from the Joygiver in the first place. And, I've discovered that joy is not always easily found. In fact, it can be incredibly tumultuous just trying to procure it amidst the infinite darkness.

But it's there. And man is it worth it.

Friday Night Thoughts

Perhaps it's my exhaustion.
Maybe even my lack of sleep.
But I have the weirdest thoughts at 3:51 in the morning.

It's really a combination of a lot of drive homes. Those curious drives that usually take 20 mins or so when one leaves the variety of parties that hallmark this festive time of the year. Where a merry time was had by all and the only thing left is to arrive safely back at one's house. For the past three days, I have had several of these drives.

Each one I put the music on the lowest audible volume possible and just marinated in my thoughts. Nothing really forced (i.e. no focusing on anything), but just kind of "went with the flow." All three times I ended up thinking about what she was doing. That lead to me thinking about how much I miss her. And that lead to me reminding myself that she doesn't even care.

I'm kind of used to everything now. I think I understand the whole positioning so that everyone would just be "ok." And that I am the stubborn thorn who just won't go away. Oh well.

The desire is still so intense to just sit down and have a quality conversation with her. Nothing forced, nothing faked, just two people enjoying one another's life so purely. It's just too bad that my hope of that becoming a reality diminishes daily. What incentive does she have? She has her boyfriend and she has her family. What use would she have with a lingering ex boyfriend?

There is some peace however. Instead of just sulking the whole ride home, I actually started smiling somewhat. Somewhere along the way, I started to understand that it's not about how soon all of this stuff will "be over" or how soon these feelings will "go away." Rather, there's a surreal feeling that comes with discovering that maybe, just maybe, God is right and is doing something bigger than what I can wrap my puny little mind around.

Like changing my heart.