From a physical standpoint, yesterday was probably one of the worst in my life.
I haven't been getting a lot of sleep lately. Part of this is because of poor time management. The other part is that good ol' Starbucks requires me to be cognitive and functioning at humorous hours in the morning. Yesterday was no exception. The only problem is that I didn't get much sleep the night before. This sums together for one of the worst headaches I've ever had in my life.
I'm not one to get headaches...ever. But this was one of those hangover level, head throbbing, make you want to punch someone in the face ordeals. Nothing helped. I tried eating. I tried napping. I tried praying. I tried sitting next to the toilet. All for not.
But I woke up this morning ailment free. Not to the fact that I was able to do anything on my own, but in full realization that I had been given grace.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
Saturday, November 07, 2009
the ripple effect
It has been quite some time.
Most of the reason is because I haven't quite been "in the mood" to journal and such. The dissenting minority rationale is because I've been so scared of what would come out that I had no balls to proceed. There have been times where I have sat down, in this trusty ol' chair of mine, to chronicle what has been happening in my life, but I would always stop prematurely. I guess a lot of it comes with the fact that it's pretty difficult to break down everything that's been going on lately.
Work wise, I was dealt a pretty big blow this week when OB10 called me back. I was one of two finalists whom they were considering for one of their positions but I was the runner up. I put my best foot forward, but my interest kinda waned toward the end because it became evident that the position would be more and more sales based the more I found out about it. So, I suppose it'll be starbucks for even LONGER than I originally anticipated. No big deal though. I could have no job at all or working as an elephant cage cleaner at Disney. Selah!
Spritually, I've been very turbulent. I'm not praying as hard or as much as I used to. Nor am I half as consistent with digging in the Word. I've become very lazy with these disciplines and it's truly perplexing why I don't take steps to remedy the situation. I still have those transient conversation prayers with God all the time though. All throughout the day I'll think about Him and just think of whether or not He truly is aware of my life. I think this is probably concerning since it's likely that it's evidence of lack of faith. Oh snapz ):
Tennis wise, I lost my first match this week. Epic failure. /end
Relationship wise, I'm a hot mess. I was able to meet up with Emily this week. It was interesting as this has been the first time we've seen each other ever since she decided to pull that drama act in the summer. We were able to express things in transparency but it still feels unsettled. I think it's because I feel like her apology is fake. But then again, as I was thinking about it, I don't really know how one is supposed to deem an apology acceptable or unacceptable. I think that as Christians, our role is unequivocally to demonstrate the same grace that has been shown to us. And I find that hard...because there's still such a significant portion of me that wants to punch her in the face for her stupidity. But Jesus never punched me in the face for my stupidity...so there goes my logic -_-
Kristy wise, I'm pretty unsettled. I feel so betrayed. So lied to. So disgusted as to how she can be this way. I feel like our friendship has been cheapened and she doesn't care at all. And somehow I know that she will find a way to rationalize things so that everything she did will be justified and I am the one who ends up foolish. But what am I supposed to do as a result of that?
That is, when you keep showing a person grace and they keep running all over you, what is the appropriate response?
A lot of people say I'm wasting my time showing compassion toward her, but I don't feel like that's the case. I think that ruthless grace is such a difficult thing to find. It's not my role to be her everything, but I think one of the best ways I can show up big is to demonstrate first hand what unconditional really looks like. She doesn't have anything close to an example besides me.
But, the problem is, this altruistic virtue is coming wildly at the expense of my own personal well being. Many of my wise council are quick to point that you must be selfish to be selfless. Even Jesus was this way. He wouldn't dare go and do any of His ministry or His discipling unless He Himself had spent time alone (either early morning or late evening) with God the Father. But what does taking care of myself look like in this situation?
I wish I had a fred in my life right now. A quirky person who would randomly call me just to encourage me and let me know that I am absolutely treasured. Theoretically that's Jesus all of the time, but sometimes it'd be nice to not have to dig so deep for once.
I just need a nudge.
a hint.
a whisper.
a text.
a voicemail.
a FB wall post.
some sort of assurance that it's ok to still be hurting for what Kristy did to me. That grace is painful. That I'm not crazy after all.
Cause it really sucks being different all the time.
God, if You're out there, I could sure use a hug right now. I feel like every time I "do the right thing" and act in a way that's obedient to You, I end up broken. And I feel like You don't do anything about it. Whereas a lot of the people who halfway pursue You (if at all) enjoy Your blessings all the same.
...but who am I to question You, Lord? What authority do I have to be suspicious of Your sovereignty? I'm so small. I just wish You'd make Yourself more obvious to me.
I'm having a really hard time following You.
Most of the reason is because I haven't quite been "in the mood" to journal and such. The dissenting minority rationale is because I've been so scared of what would come out that I had no balls to proceed. There have been times where I have sat down, in this trusty ol' chair of mine, to chronicle what has been happening in my life, but I would always stop prematurely. I guess a lot of it comes with the fact that it's pretty difficult to break down everything that's been going on lately.
Work wise, I was dealt a pretty big blow this week when OB10 called me back. I was one of two finalists whom they were considering for one of their positions but I was the runner up. I put my best foot forward, but my interest kinda waned toward the end because it became evident that the position would be more and more sales based the more I found out about it. So, I suppose it'll be starbucks for even LONGER than I originally anticipated. No big deal though. I could have no job at all or working as an elephant cage cleaner at Disney. Selah!
Spritually, I've been very turbulent. I'm not praying as hard or as much as I used to. Nor am I half as consistent with digging in the Word. I've become very lazy with these disciplines and it's truly perplexing why I don't take steps to remedy the situation. I still have those transient conversation prayers with God all the time though. All throughout the day I'll think about Him and just think of whether or not He truly is aware of my life. I think this is probably concerning since it's likely that it's evidence of lack of faith. Oh snapz ):
Tennis wise, I lost my first match this week. Epic failure. /end
Relationship wise, I'm a hot mess. I was able to meet up with Emily this week. It was interesting as this has been the first time we've seen each other ever since she decided to pull that drama act in the summer. We were able to express things in transparency but it still feels unsettled. I think it's because I feel like her apology is fake. But then again, as I was thinking about it, I don't really know how one is supposed to deem an apology acceptable or unacceptable. I think that as Christians, our role is unequivocally to demonstrate the same grace that has been shown to us. And I find that hard...because there's still such a significant portion of me that wants to punch her in the face for her stupidity. But Jesus never punched me in the face for my stupidity...so there goes my logic -_-
Kristy wise, I'm pretty unsettled. I feel so betrayed. So lied to. So disgusted as to how she can be this way. I feel like our friendship has been cheapened and she doesn't care at all. And somehow I know that she will find a way to rationalize things so that everything she did will be justified and I am the one who ends up foolish. But what am I supposed to do as a result of that?
That is, when you keep showing a person grace and they keep running all over you, what is the appropriate response?
A lot of people say I'm wasting my time showing compassion toward her, but I don't feel like that's the case. I think that ruthless grace is such a difficult thing to find. It's not my role to be her everything, but I think one of the best ways I can show up big is to demonstrate first hand what unconditional really looks like. She doesn't have anything close to an example besides me.
But, the problem is, this altruistic virtue is coming wildly at the expense of my own personal well being. Many of my wise council are quick to point that you must be selfish to be selfless. Even Jesus was this way. He wouldn't dare go and do any of His ministry or His discipling unless He Himself had spent time alone (either early morning or late evening) with God the Father. But what does taking care of myself look like in this situation?
I wish I had a fred in my life right now. A quirky person who would randomly call me just to encourage me and let me know that I am absolutely treasured. Theoretically that's Jesus all of the time, but sometimes it'd be nice to not have to dig so deep for once.
I just need a nudge.
a hint.
a whisper.
a text.
a voicemail.
a FB wall post.
some sort of assurance that it's ok to still be hurting for what Kristy did to me. That grace is painful. That I'm not crazy after all.
Cause it really sucks being different all the time.
God, if You're out there, I could sure use a hug right now. I feel like every time I "do the right thing" and act in a way that's obedient to You, I end up broken. And I feel like You don't do anything about it. Whereas a lot of the people who halfway pursue You (if at all) enjoy Your blessings all the same.
...but who am I to question You, Lord? What authority do I have to be suspicious of Your sovereignty? I'm so small. I just wish You'd make Yourself more obvious to me.
I'm having a really hard time following You.
Monday, October 26, 2009
press pause
The thought occurred to me today that rubbing against the grain isn't a bad thing.
It just feels like it all of the time. Part of this tension comes with the dilemma of following Christ. Biblically speaking, Jesus states up front that following him requires going "all in." That is, if you aren't prepared to give up everything to follow Him, then you really aren't worthy to follow in the first place. In fact, He goes to the extreme of saying if we do not hate our father and mother (and even our own life) we cannot be a disciple.
Sometimes I find myself experiencing difficultly articulating why I choose to follow. I can say a lot of political stuff (He died for my sins) and it would be true, but not quite authentic. I feel like often times I'm pursuing God because of how much He has changed my life. Just like any other relationship, the more you're around someone the more you become like them. This is true for better or for worse. With God, it's been extraordinarily better. Not to say that I don't go through drama or anything (ha), but that I'm such a better person now because of my relationship with God. I don't know if this is quite biblical or not, but it is what it is.
All this said, I've spent much of the past week dwelling on the thought of "Who has God made me to be?" I feel like I'm in such a daze right now. I don't have a "real job", the one girl I thought there would be genuine potential in long term has just finished wrecking me, and I'm finding that I'm starting to distance myself with someo f my friends.
I'm just a hot mess right now. And it's weird.
It just feels like it all of the time. Part of this tension comes with the dilemma of following Christ. Biblically speaking, Jesus states up front that following him requires going "all in." That is, if you aren't prepared to give up everything to follow Him, then you really aren't worthy to follow in the first place. In fact, He goes to the extreme of saying if we do not hate our father and mother (and even our own life) we cannot be a disciple.
Sometimes I find myself experiencing difficultly articulating why I choose to follow. I can say a lot of political stuff (He died for my sins) and it would be true, but not quite authentic. I feel like often times I'm pursuing God because of how much He has changed my life. Just like any other relationship, the more you're around someone the more you become like them. This is true for better or for worse. With God, it's been extraordinarily better. Not to say that I don't go through drama or anything (ha), but that I'm such a better person now because of my relationship with God. I don't know if this is quite biblical or not, but it is what it is.
All this said, I've spent much of the past week dwelling on the thought of "Who has God made me to be?" I feel like I'm in such a daze right now. I don't have a "real job", the one girl I thought there would be genuine potential in long term has just finished wrecking me, and I'm finding that I'm starting to distance myself with someo f my friends.
I'm just a hot mess right now. And it's weird.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Sunday Night Thought
What business is it of mine if God is or is not working in someone else's life? If God is working in mine, that's profound in and of itself.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
progress?
Had the day off today.
It was refreshing. I spent it getting my hair did, playing Batman on the playstation, and catching up with my mom. For a large part of the morning, I spent a whole lot of time just reflecting. Who does God want me to be? Rather, who has God made me to be? Readjusting your focus is all about perspective. If you're focusing on the small stuff, think bigger. If your vision is too grand, stop being a heat lamp and start being a laser beam. Balance, as always, is the key.
It feels like this whole thing with Kristy is like a breakup. Every little thing reminds me of her. I'll be doing something when all of a sudden emotion will violently tug me from high to low. I wish I knew the end of this story. You know, skip through the commercial. But I can't. And it sucks. And although it feels good just being able to say that simply for what it is, I must pay attention to how this is shaping me. Whether I like it or not, my character is being molded. The only influence I have is steering the direction. I want to be known as someone who has extraordinary character so I would be wise to keep that in mind.
I still care for her so much. And as each day progresses, I recognize that it's quite likely that this fall out of ours will not get proper addressing. For her, she will at some point make contact and pretend like nothing happened at all. I wish I could just let her know that I don't want to bring crap up from the past just to live in the past or create drama, but to fully settle things for a more solid foundation going forward. It's just like killing weeds. You can take the top off and make sure that everything is pretty on the lawn, but you run the risk of something triggering the weed to start growing again in the future. The superior extraction method would be to tackle the weed from the root and completely eliminate the threat moving forward. It's so much more tedious and a lot dirtier, but man is it worth it to have that putting green lawn.
That said, one underrated thing happening here is the obvious problem with my faith and the cultivation therein. If I truly believed God and trusted that He really had purpose in everything that I was going through, I'd have so much peace and joy. Moreover, my desire to serve God would only intensify as this would prove just how easily satisfied (and thus easily disappointed) I can be. Instead, because I'm not quite as mature as I'd like, this has done nothing but shown how much of a gaping hole there is in my prayer life. It's convicting. But it's great because I see it as something I can begin working on.
And I guess that's where I find myself for now. Listening to classical music before I wake up for a job interview tomorrow. In a peculiar place where grinning has become a mainstay, I think I'm getting a little better.
And it feels great.
It was refreshing. I spent it getting my hair did, playing Batman on the playstation, and catching up with my mom. For a large part of the morning, I spent a whole lot of time just reflecting. Who does God want me to be? Rather, who has God made me to be? Readjusting your focus is all about perspective. If you're focusing on the small stuff, think bigger. If your vision is too grand, stop being a heat lamp and start being a laser beam. Balance, as always, is the key.
It feels like this whole thing with Kristy is like a breakup. Every little thing reminds me of her. I'll be doing something when all of a sudden emotion will violently tug me from high to low. I wish I knew the end of this story. You know, skip through the commercial. But I can't. And it sucks. And although it feels good just being able to say that simply for what it is, I must pay attention to how this is shaping me. Whether I like it or not, my character is being molded. The only influence I have is steering the direction. I want to be known as someone who has extraordinary character so I would be wise to keep that in mind.
I still care for her so much. And as each day progresses, I recognize that it's quite likely that this fall out of ours will not get proper addressing. For her, she will at some point make contact and pretend like nothing happened at all. I wish I could just let her know that I don't want to bring crap up from the past just to live in the past or create drama, but to fully settle things for a more solid foundation going forward. It's just like killing weeds. You can take the top off and make sure that everything is pretty on the lawn, but you run the risk of something triggering the weed to start growing again in the future. The superior extraction method would be to tackle the weed from the root and completely eliminate the threat moving forward. It's so much more tedious and a lot dirtier, but man is it worth it to have that putting green lawn.
That said, one underrated thing happening here is the obvious problem with my faith and the cultivation therein. If I truly believed God and trusted that He really had purpose in everything that I was going through, I'd have so much peace and joy. Moreover, my desire to serve God would only intensify as this would prove just how easily satisfied (and thus easily disappointed) I can be. Instead, because I'm not quite as mature as I'd like, this has done nothing but shown how much of a gaping hole there is in my prayer life. It's convicting. But it's great because I see it as something I can begin working on.
And I guess that's where I find myself for now. Listening to classical music before I wake up for a job interview tomorrow. In a peculiar place where grinning has become a mainstay, I think I'm getting a little better.
And it feels great.
Monday, October 12, 2009
regrettable reality
It's been a rough 48 hours.
Thankfully, not as rough as I can handle. I didn't sleep much saturday evening. Thought after thought ran laps in my mind beckoning me to relive each moment of the evening with scintillating clarity. It's quite unfortunate for the night to have ended the way it did. I don't think either of us wanted things to go the way they did--but they did. I wanted so bad at the end of the night (when I tried to walk her to her door only to be met with more rudeness) to just embrace her with such completeness; as if to imply, "you're still precious to me even in you're foolishness" but could not get close enough to even get the attempt in.
Sunday sucked. I had to serve at northpoint and didn't have the will to. I left rehearsal crestfallen and instead of going to eat breakfast with the rest of SPD crew I just went in my car and stared at the ceiling. Tears followed several minutes afterward accompanied by that all-too-familiar feeling of deep pain. Thankfully I have a handful of true friends who are even at 8 AM on a sunday morning and quick to carry my pain with me (even when I'm stubborn and unwilling to let them). Things got better throughout the day (I totally pwned the guy I was up against in my tennis league and my parents told me lots of stories from their Mexico trip) but night came again and so did my emptiness.
It was easier to focus today. The feeling of being burned wasn't so intense and instead transformed into one of confusion. Why would Kristy treat me this way in the first place? If she's frustrated of being "idealized" as some perfect woman in my world, why not just say so? Is it really necessary to be straight up ugly to me? WTF?
Nonetheless, today was the first time in a long time I prayed so sincerely for her. That God would have mercy on her and for Him to work in her life such that she would find true and everlasting joy even if that meant that I wouldn't be part of that picture. It felt so real to be praying for her. Not because in the end I want credit for it, but because I was sincerely caring deeply for the person who hurt me just as deeply.
Now, at the end of the night, I am in realization (again) that there's so much I have to work on myself. It's kind of silly when you think about it. I gloat on how mature and stuff I am but then can't seem to comprehend the conclusions I made on this very same topic just 4 short weeks ago. Character is a very rare thing to find in people (especially given current popular culture). Do I really believe all of this Christian nonsense? Or am I just saying all the right things given my circle of friends? I believe it's times like these which speak loudly either way.
I guess we're about to see what I'm truly made of.
No. Rather, I guess we're about to see what I'm being made to be.
Thankfully, not as rough as I can handle. I didn't sleep much saturday evening. Thought after thought ran laps in my mind beckoning me to relive each moment of the evening with scintillating clarity. It's quite unfortunate for the night to have ended the way it did. I don't think either of us wanted things to go the way they did--but they did. I wanted so bad at the end of the night (when I tried to walk her to her door only to be met with more rudeness) to just embrace her with such completeness; as if to imply, "you're still precious to me even in you're foolishness" but could not get close enough to even get the attempt in.
Sunday sucked. I had to serve at northpoint and didn't have the will to. I left rehearsal crestfallen and instead of going to eat breakfast with the rest of SPD crew I just went in my car and stared at the ceiling. Tears followed several minutes afterward accompanied by that all-too-familiar feeling of deep pain. Thankfully I have a handful of true friends who are even at 8 AM on a sunday morning and quick to carry my pain with me (even when I'm stubborn and unwilling to let them). Things got better throughout the day (I totally pwned the guy I was up against in my tennis league and my parents told me lots of stories from their Mexico trip) but night came again and so did my emptiness.
It was easier to focus today. The feeling of being burned wasn't so intense and instead transformed into one of confusion. Why would Kristy treat me this way in the first place? If she's frustrated of being "idealized" as some perfect woman in my world, why not just say so? Is it really necessary to be straight up ugly to me? WTF?
Nonetheless, today was the first time in a long time I prayed so sincerely for her. That God would have mercy on her and for Him to work in her life such that she would find true and everlasting joy even if that meant that I wouldn't be part of that picture. It felt so real to be praying for her. Not because in the end I want credit for it, but because I was sincerely caring deeply for the person who hurt me just as deeply.
Now, at the end of the night, I am in realization (again) that there's so much I have to work on myself. It's kind of silly when you think about it. I gloat on how mature and stuff I am but then can't seem to comprehend the conclusions I made on this very same topic just 4 short weeks ago. Character is a very rare thing to find in people (especially given current popular culture). Do I really believe all of this Christian nonsense? Or am I just saying all the right things given my circle of friends? I believe it's times like these which speak loudly either way.
I guess we're about to see what I'm truly made of.
No. Rather, I guess we're about to see what I'm being made to be.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
suck at dating
Chalk another one up on the board!
Just finished probably THE most epic fail of a date with Kristy. I seriously don't know what masochist wiring I have inside to continue to endure such relentless coldness but Kristy is such an expert at it. It's kind of funny too considering I was listening to Black Eyed Peas before we left and i was all like "I'm not so confident tonight will be a good night."
It started predictably. She was tired and annoyed from her day at work and was late getting ready (no biggie). I go to pick her up and am absolutely enamored by how beautiful I thought she was. She walks right past me and gets straight into the car. Then she spends almost the entirety of the car ride talking on the phone or texting while we're driving there. I try to persevere and think good thoughts about our night, but it's pretty hard at this point.
Somewhere along the way, I stop to give her the flowers I bought for her. I was foolish enough to think that something like that would be special for her. After all, they were different and just her color (it was a purple/blue iris surrounded by a bigger version of baby's breath and some greenery). But the flowers ended up triggering a bunch of crap (ugh). She got kind of flustered and started saying how I don't need to get her flowers all the time and how she always feel bad when I get her stuff. I tell her that when you give gifts, it's not about the money that's spent--it's about the thoughtfulness of the gift implied. She gets mor pissed.
We got to our restaurant (Osterio del Figo) when things actually perked up just a little bit. She talked about what was pleasing and not pleasing to her decor wise and we continued to wait for our food. Somehow our casual conversation ended up turning right back to the flower I got her.
This is when the breaking point in the evening came. [It's kind of hard writing about this...because it's so emotionally taxing. How does one continue to purely care about someone when they repeatedly have utter disregard for your feelings.]
She ended up saying something along the lines of:
"Whatever fred. You think you know me but you don't know me. You think I like getting flowers and it makes me happy. I like getting flowers just not from you."
heart = destroyed.
We ended up not seeing the show at the rialto anymore. She wanted me to take her straight home. The car ride was her talking about how bad she felt for what she was doing. I told her that I still think she's wonderful. She said she wished I didn't try so hard. I said I wish I was worth a damn to her. She said she felt like such a bitch. I'm glad I DIDN'T say it's cause she was acting like a PMS-ing idiot.
And so that was my saturday night. I suck at life.
Just finished probably THE most epic fail of a date with Kristy. I seriously don't know what masochist wiring I have inside to continue to endure such relentless coldness but Kristy is such an expert at it. It's kind of funny too considering I was listening to Black Eyed Peas before we left and i was all like "I'm not so confident tonight will be a good night."
It started predictably. She was tired and annoyed from her day at work and was late getting ready (no biggie). I go to pick her up and am absolutely enamored by how beautiful I thought she was. She walks right past me and gets straight into the car. Then she spends almost the entirety of the car ride talking on the phone or texting while we're driving there. I try to persevere and think good thoughts about our night, but it's pretty hard at this point.
Somewhere along the way, I stop to give her the flowers I bought for her. I was foolish enough to think that something like that would be special for her. After all, they were different and just her color (it was a purple/blue iris surrounded by a bigger version of baby's breath and some greenery). But the flowers ended up triggering a bunch of crap (ugh). She got kind of flustered and started saying how I don't need to get her flowers all the time and how she always feel bad when I get her stuff. I tell her that when you give gifts, it's not about the money that's spent--it's about the thoughtfulness of the gift implied. She gets mor pissed.
We got to our restaurant (Osterio del Figo) when things actually perked up just a little bit. She talked about what was pleasing and not pleasing to her decor wise and we continued to wait for our food. Somehow our casual conversation ended up turning right back to the flower I got her.
This is when the breaking point in the evening came. [It's kind of hard writing about this...because it's so emotionally taxing. How does one continue to purely care about someone when they repeatedly have utter disregard for your feelings.]
She ended up saying something along the lines of:
"Whatever fred. You think you know me but you don't know me. You think I like getting flowers and it makes me happy. I like getting flowers just not from you."
heart = destroyed.
We ended up not seeing the show at the rialto anymore. She wanted me to take her straight home. The car ride was her talking about how bad she felt for what she was doing. I told her that I still think she's wonderful. She said she wished I didn't try so hard. I said I wish I was worth a damn to her. She said she felt like such a bitch. I'm glad I DIDN'T say it's cause she was acting like a PMS-ing idiot.
And so that was my saturday night. I suck at life.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
eyes wide shut
sleepy.
awake.
DCB.
church music.
epic.
tennis.
stupid forehand.
dr house.
focus.
can't.
stop thinking.
miss kristy.
how was biloxi.
new investment.
still owe money.
life = oxymoron.
awake.
DCB.
church music.
epic.
tennis.
stupid forehand.
dr house.
focus.
can't.
stop thinking.
miss kristy.
how was biloxi.
new investment.
still owe money.
life = oxymoron.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Saturday Night Thoughts
Everyone is upstairs watching the mayweather-marquez fight.
I'm downstairs winding down about to go to sleep. It's not that I have no interest in watching boxing (Manny Pacquiao FTW!) but I really have to sleep since I'm serving at BC tomorrow. The only reason this strikes me at all is that I believe I'm a pretty strange child.
Everyone upstairs is inebriated out of their mind; I've had nothing but water to drink.
Playing poker everyone was having fun cracking jokes and stuff; I just stayed quiet and focused on playing.
Everyone is cheering on the boxing match and has no regard for the time; I have to get up in 5 hours.
I guess I wish I was a little bit more normal sometimes. But then again I'm very happy with the fact that I don't fit in the typical mold of anyone. But I still look for acceptance with other people. I guess it's just nice knowing that that I'm highly thought of even though I'm the chocolate chip cookie that got deformed during the baking process.
Often through the night I thought about Kristy and how much she would approve of my being social or not. But her view of me doesn't define me. Rather, it shouldn't. Yet I want her to think much of me probably because I think much of her.
Blah. I'm a hot mess. No wonder God probably wants me to pay attention to the ME issues more than the THEM issues.
I'm downstairs winding down about to go to sleep. It's not that I have no interest in watching boxing (Manny Pacquiao FTW!) but I really have to sleep since I'm serving at BC tomorrow. The only reason this strikes me at all is that I believe I'm a pretty strange child.
Everyone upstairs is inebriated out of their mind; I've had nothing but water to drink.
Playing poker everyone was having fun cracking jokes and stuff; I just stayed quiet and focused on playing.
Everyone is cheering on the boxing match and has no regard for the time; I have to get up in 5 hours.
I guess I wish I was a little bit more normal sometimes. But then again I'm very happy with the fact that I don't fit in the typical mold of anyone. But I still look for acceptance with other people. I guess it's just nice knowing that that I'm highly thought of even though I'm the chocolate chip cookie that got deformed during the baking process.
Often through the night I thought about Kristy and how much she would approve of my being social or not. But her view of me doesn't define me. Rather, it shouldn't. Yet I want her to think much of me probably because I think much of her.
Blah. I'm a hot mess. No wonder God probably wants me to pay attention to the ME issues more than the THEM issues.
friday night thoughts
oh noes.
The day progressed today and so did my thoughts. One dangerous one in particular surfaced quite clearly.
It is possible (likely even) that part of the reason that I try so hard with Kristy is because I want to receive glory (that's christian-speak for credit or praise) for the story. That is, if she were to ever "come around" and start appreciating me or whatever, it would be because of MY faithfulness and MY patience with her the whole way.
This is entirely contradictory to the creed of selflessness that I aspire to.
The implication being that my relinquishing everything about Kristy to God means that I also take no more credit for anything that goes on in her life. It is an open embrace to the reality that, from this point forward, anything that happens in her life would be her choice and undeniable prompting of the Holy Spirit. Any influence I will have had up to that point would be but one of many factors to a greater story of God.
Crap.
I wanted a Disney type of thing.
The day progressed today and so did my thoughts. One dangerous one in particular surfaced quite clearly.
It is possible (likely even) that part of the reason that I try so hard with Kristy is because I want to receive glory (that's christian-speak for credit or praise) for the story. That is, if she were to ever "come around" and start appreciating me or whatever, it would be because of MY faithfulness and MY patience with her the whole way.
This is entirely contradictory to the creed of selflessness that I aspire to.
The implication being that my relinquishing everything about Kristy to God means that I also take no more credit for anything that goes on in her life. It is an open embrace to the reality that, from this point forward, anything that happens in her life would be her choice and undeniable prompting of the Holy Spirit. Any influence I will have had up to that point would be but one of many factors to a greater story of God.
Crap.
I wanted a Disney type of thing.
Friday, September 18, 2009
friday morning thoughts
Although it was hard to find rest last evening, the merciful embrace of sleep did provide closure.
I think that one plausible direction that all this crap has been pointing to is that there may be bigger issues with me that must be addressed. There aren't any huge red flags about my character per se that merit psychiatric help (or is there?), but it's the culmination of those small, subtle things that really make the difference in a relationship.
In other words, maybe this is more of a fred problem than it is a Kristy problem.
I think that one plausible direction that all this crap has been pointing to is that there may be bigger issues with me that must be addressed. There aren't any huge red flags about my character per se that merit psychiatric help (or is there?), but it's the culmination of those small, subtle things that really make the difference in a relationship.
In other words, maybe this is more of a fred problem than it is a Kristy problem.
why rejection hurts so much
it's that feeling you get in the middle of the night when the lights are off and you're in bed and your eyes are closed. In the twilight of your consciousness you lay there thinking about them...only to realize that you're the last thing on their mind.
And that's when ridiculous things start happening.
Like tears.
And that's when ridiculous things start happening.
Like tears.
2 in one day!
I feel so conflicted.
On one hand comes all these random thoughts that I simply can't dismiss.
- Above all else guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life.
- In light of my past experiences, my current circumstance, and my future hopes and dreams, what is the wise thing to do?
- The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it.
- Do not merely listen to the word and so deceive yourselves do what it says.
But the other side is undeniable as well.
I've never felt so torn about anything in my entire life. The decision seems obvious but why isn't it easier? Why am I struggling with such a simple issue? Could this be a reflection of greater issues that I need to deal with myself?
I feel so stupid.
On one hand comes all these random thoughts that I simply can't dismiss.
- Above all else guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life.
- In light of my past experiences, my current circumstance, and my future hopes and dreams, what is the wise thing to do?
- The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it.
- Do not merely listen to the word and so deceive yourselves do what it says.
But the other side is undeniable as well.
I've never felt so torn about anything in my entire life. The decision seems obvious but why isn't it easier? Why am I struggling with such a simple issue? Could this be a reflection of greater issues that I need to deal with myself?
I feel so stupid.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
under the bridge
Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
It was another one of those days today. I had a much needed day off and wanted to use it in a very worthwhile way. Naturally I began the day praying and proceeded to playing the ever-so-wholesome video game Grand Theft Auto IV. I just finished executing Mr. Dimitri Rascalov when I deemed showering (in the real world) a beneficial thing for my day. In the shower, as with all of my great ideas, birthed the brilliance that surprising Kristy in Athens would be a worthy task for the day. Thus the beginning of this story.
Within minutes I formulated my strategy. She would be leaving for Louisiana tomorrow, so it would be quite wonderful for me to bring her a "KT survival gift" as a surprise for her long day today. I would end up packing a bowl of food (she doesn't have time to eat during the latter part of her day), a small bowl of fruit, a whole banana (she loves fruit in general), smart water, moist towelettes and regular paper towels (she has a lot of charcoal on her hands because of her arts and crafts related classes) to wipe her hands with, her favorite pack of gum, and an envelope with a note from me. There's a caveat with the envelope though. I happened to enclose some money in it to assist with a conflict Kristy had with Lee but it was an awful, awful mistake. I was out of place and overzealous with pure intentions and poor execution (seems to be my m.o.).
Eventually I begin my trek up to lovely Athens, GA. It's normally a 1.25 hour drive but today it was pleasant enough to rain. So it was more like 1.45 hours...one way. The plan was to meet around 2:15 or so. I got to Athens around 2 and stopped by publix to buy her bowl of fruit and withdraw the money I was going to put in the envelope. Then, what should've been only a 10 minute drive to campus turned out to be a 30 minute escapade of me getting lost in the rain. Things were not going to plan and of course I ended up calling her and diminishing my surprise visit. Everything ended up more frustrating because she was at a really obscure location on campus (Barrow Hall which is a semi-small building) that I had trouble locating. So, she had to guide me from the parking deck and give me walking directions to her.
This is where the epic fail begins.
There were communication breakdown between us because I would be walking toward her and we would end up being on different pages. I would walk one direction and she would think I was in another place. This back and forth "wait...where are you?" would continue and waste maybe another 10 minutes of time. She started getting annoyed because she went outside to wait for me and started getting wet. The whole time I'm trying to keep optimistic because I'm carrying a bag full of stuff for her. I started to lose hope because she was so clearly flustered with me.
We finally met up and I was so happy to see her. She was amused with me and my smile and looked content enough to see me back. I have her her gifts, explained everything, with which she would smile and say "aww thanks." We spent a total of ten minutes together until she had to go back to her class. Then as I left she sent text after text saying how angry she was with me because of the money I tried to give her to help her situation. Never mind the fact that I tried so hard to be thoughtful and do something as time-consuming as driving an hour and a half through the rain just for her but everything was for not since I annoyed her earlier and tried to help a situation I had no business helping.
My small group says I should find someone who appreciates me more than Kristy.
Only problem is that I truly appreciate her.
It was another one of those days today. I had a much needed day off and wanted to use it in a very worthwhile way. Naturally I began the day praying and proceeded to playing the ever-so-wholesome video game Grand Theft Auto IV. I just finished executing Mr. Dimitri Rascalov when I deemed showering (in the real world) a beneficial thing for my day. In the shower, as with all of my great ideas, birthed the brilliance that surprising Kristy in Athens would be a worthy task for the day. Thus the beginning of this story.
Within minutes I formulated my strategy. She would be leaving for Louisiana tomorrow, so it would be quite wonderful for me to bring her a "KT survival gift" as a surprise for her long day today. I would end up packing a bowl of food (she doesn't have time to eat during the latter part of her day), a small bowl of fruit, a whole banana (she loves fruit in general), smart water, moist towelettes and regular paper towels (she has a lot of charcoal on her hands because of her arts and crafts related classes) to wipe her hands with, her favorite pack of gum, and an envelope with a note from me. There's a caveat with the envelope though. I happened to enclose some money in it to assist with a conflict Kristy had with Lee but it was an awful, awful mistake. I was out of place and overzealous with pure intentions and poor execution (seems to be my m.o.).
Eventually I begin my trek up to lovely Athens, GA. It's normally a 1.25 hour drive but today it was pleasant enough to rain. So it was more like 1.45 hours...one way. The plan was to meet around 2:15 or so. I got to Athens around 2 and stopped by publix to buy her bowl of fruit and withdraw the money I was going to put in the envelope. Then, what should've been only a 10 minute drive to campus turned out to be a 30 minute escapade of me getting lost in the rain. Things were not going to plan and of course I ended up calling her and diminishing my surprise visit. Everything ended up more frustrating because she was at a really obscure location on campus (Barrow Hall which is a semi-small building) that I had trouble locating. So, she had to guide me from the parking deck and give me walking directions to her.
This is where the epic fail begins.
There were communication breakdown between us because I would be walking toward her and we would end up being on different pages. I would walk one direction and she would think I was in another place. This back and forth "wait...where are you?" would continue and waste maybe another 10 minutes of time. She started getting annoyed because she went outside to wait for me and started getting wet. The whole time I'm trying to keep optimistic because I'm carrying a bag full of stuff for her. I started to lose hope because she was so clearly flustered with me.
We finally met up and I was so happy to see her. She was amused with me and my smile and looked content enough to see me back. I have her her gifts, explained everything, with which she would smile and say "aww thanks." We spent a total of ten minutes together until she had to go back to her class. Then as I left she sent text after text saying how angry she was with me because of the money I tried to give her to help her situation. Never mind the fact that I tried so hard to be thoughtful and do something as time-consuming as driving an hour and a half through the rain just for her but everything was for not since I annoyed her earlier and tried to help a situation I had no business helping.
My small group says I should find someone who appreciates me more than Kristy.
Only problem is that I truly appreciate her.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
expecting the unexpected
There's an old adage that goes "when life gives you lemons make lemonade."
I believe that whoever came up with that had quite a life. Perhaps their perspective had shifted such that they realized that joy does not come from circumstance but instead comes from faith in a better future. For some that's reunion with family or some drug or whatever. For me it's eternity in heaven.
Anyway, the reason this has been noteworthy for me because there's something really rich about knowing how to handle a situation where the circumstances really don't make sense. It's those perilous times when quitting and complaining become all too easy simply because it's extremely uncomfortable not knowing what the future will hold and having very little control of it. I believe that it is during these times that a light shines in the places that we, as humans, tend to mask so well.
There are virtues and vices that will manifest in these times. Those with weak personalities will falter usually and traverse through said "lemon phase" with many bumps and bruises all along the way. What more, people of this nature will be quick to highlight the fact that they had to go through such an enduring period to all who may listen.
The other extreme will go through the same thing, yet every measure of their character will shine whenever the opportunity will permit (which is all the time). They endure the same bumps and bruises that their counterparts go through, but the scintillating difference is that the bumps and bruises are minor parts of a focused demeanor that never loses sight of the fact that things will get better. As a result their personalities never stray far from wonderful.
Although there are many exceptions, and I have noted but a few generalaties, I think the best thing for me right now is to pursue the latter. To quote my boy Moody, "Character is what you are in the dark."
Now if I just knew some good lemonade recipes.
I believe that whoever came up with that had quite a life. Perhaps their perspective had shifted such that they realized that joy does not come from circumstance but instead comes from faith in a better future. For some that's reunion with family or some drug or whatever. For me it's eternity in heaven.
Anyway, the reason this has been noteworthy for me because there's something really rich about knowing how to handle a situation where the circumstances really don't make sense. It's those perilous times when quitting and complaining become all too easy simply because it's extremely uncomfortable not knowing what the future will hold and having very little control of it. I believe that it is during these times that a light shines in the places that we, as humans, tend to mask so well.
There are virtues and vices that will manifest in these times. Those with weak personalities will falter usually and traverse through said "lemon phase" with many bumps and bruises all along the way. What more, people of this nature will be quick to highlight the fact that they had to go through such an enduring period to all who may listen.
The other extreme will go through the same thing, yet every measure of their character will shine whenever the opportunity will permit (which is all the time). They endure the same bumps and bruises that their counterparts go through, but the scintillating difference is that the bumps and bruises are minor parts of a focused demeanor that never loses sight of the fact that things will get better. As a result their personalities never stray far from wonderful.
Although there are many exceptions, and I have noted but a few generalaties, I think the best thing for me right now is to pursue the latter. To quote my boy Moody, "Character is what you are in the dark."
Now if I just knew some good lemonade recipes.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
drive time
I wish I could be more comfortable with the fact that I'm a nerd.
That I read a lot and think really weird thoughts all of the time. I wish I didn't think in the background that sometimes I could be "cooler" if I was less me.
I wish I thought I was pretty cool as is.
That I read a lot and think really weird thoughts all of the time. I wish I didn't think in the background that sometimes I could be "cooler" if I was less me.
I wish I thought I was pretty cool as is.
Monday, September 07, 2009
a moment in contemplation
I'm finding it easier and easier to understand and appreciate the supreme amount of faithfulness God has in us.
I do not understand what makes us act the way that we do. This whole conundrum of giving a person the autonomy to do whatever pleases them certainly encompasses the fact that they could genuinely hurt you as well as give you joy. However, I realize now that were it not for this, there would be no joy to be had when the person chooses you if it were a forced decision altogether.
This alone is a great testament for those who are married (and happily married at that) for generation upon generation.
All this is to say that relationships take work. And, it's awful when one person wants the relationship to work and the other doesn't.
I do not understand what makes us act the way that we do. This whole conundrum of giving a person the autonomy to do whatever pleases them certainly encompasses the fact that they could genuinely hurt you as well as give you joy. However, I realize now that were it not for this, there would be no joy to be had when the person chooses you if it were a forced decision altogether.
This alone is a great testament for those who are married (and happily married at that) for generation upon generation.
All this is to say that relationships take work. And, it's awful when one person wants the relationship to work and the other doesn't.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
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