Bittersweet

The sweet: Grouplink and specifically God's ability to prove (yet again) that He's the most hilarious Person you'll ever meet.

the bitter: Reading the letter and the subsequent pain that follows. So many loopholes. So many questions. So much inconsistent reasoning.


Life is the most unpredictable journey I've ever been on.

Question

What is love?

Life update

For the 0 of you that read this thing, I apologize for the lack of an update. I don't really have that great of an excuse. I just haven't taken the time to write my thoughts out.

What is there to say really? Life is life. It plays through its ups and downs. I'm on my way back up again.

Oh, lots of other exciting things are happening though.

Callie Ann is experiencing a life emergency right now and it appears as if Sil is experiencing a personal emergency. My take on the respective situations? Anchor yourself to your faith in Him, hold His hand, and withstand the storm with everything you've got. Storms are almost cyclical. While they aren't quite predictable, they are guaranteed to happen. What's important to note is that during storms, much takes place. The relentless barrage of it may seem unbearable at first, but that's where faith is so important. When a storm is most intense, it really does a complete and thorough job testing the foundation of anything in its path. What do you find yourself standing on when everything gets blown away mercilessly? Are you confident enough in it to stake your entire life on it? Such is the first step of faith.

Alas, you find peace even amidst the most violent of storms. This is amplified when you continue to walk with Him throughout the whole process. It's surreal. I can't really explain it that well. Almost mystical...but 100% authentic. It just helps to know that your Father is on your side. Yeah.

In other news, I got a random text message this morning from Praise. She asked me if Indiana was a state. I responded "yes" but remained in a profound state of confusion for the next hour. Oh, and I don't know anymore whether or not they got my surprise gift for Glorie/everyone. Oh snapz. That might be a problem. *sigh*

Also, all of Central Florida has a pretty talented group of young folk. I just finished watching pinktux's youtube vid of their tiniklin performance almost a month ago (tiniklin is a filipino dance that I don't feel like explaining right now). They did a really great job. Like tremendously great. It was amazing. That's three compliments in a row! It must've been something for me to be so generous. It was so good that people in heaven probably started practicing (cause it's going to be a hilarious party once FBCCF shows up and shows everyone how to throw down tiniklin style).

Last, I'm attending group link tomorrow. I'll finally get to meet the poor guys that will share life with me for the next couple of months. Those poor, poor men. It's going to be quite a ride.

Anyway, this posting turned out to be completely random. I think I like it.

Choosing Love

I've found peace.

"This is the kind of life you've been invited into, the kind of life Christ lived. He suffered everything that came his way so you would know that it could be done, and also know how to do it, step-by-step." 1 Peter 2:21

In this situation with Glorie, the pain is shared by all. Glorie is a tremendous person used to impact many, many people. Everyone has been affected by it. However, no one (absolutely no one) can understand the pain felt by a mother and father. In my opinion, not even Praise can...and she's the sister. I'm not a parent and I have absolutely no idea what it's like to have a parent-child relationship, however, from what I hear, it's quite a surreal feeling. I imagine it's as if the tenderness and care for another person only intensifies and magnifies when it's your child.

With that said, that passion toward the child is what makes the pain sting all the more deeply. It hurts me so much; how much more does it hurt Tita Maricor or Tito Henry?

People aren't perfect. As humans, we are fallable. Even those whom I've placed great admiration and respect will fail me from time to time--and that's ok. In this huge story of Glorie's journey, it has happened such that the entire Santos family has hurt me greatly. Most puzzling is that the fact that I have no idea why they would act the way that they did. From my view, I have done absolutely nothing to warrant such pain. "Why?" was the theme of the day everyday.

So the focus shifted to my response. It was my choice. Would I decide to be vindictive with my pain and forever question the people that significantly helped to ensure that the past 4 years of my life were the among my best ever? Or would I choose the road less traveled even though I wasn't quite sure where that would lead?

Additionally, much affected this conclusion of mine. I thought about the idea of forgiveness and love as a whole. It's quite silly when you think about it. What if one of your best friends stopped being your friend cause you suddenly weren't adequate to meet their social needs. To add spit in your face, they continue hanging out with many of your friends, but they (and all your former friends) abandon you.

Forgiveness would mean calling said best friend and, after hearing the voicemail, telling them that they're still precious to you.

Love would be saving the best hug and warmest smile for them every single time that you cross paths.


The premise is really something else. It's easy to hate; it's extremely difficult to love. There would be nothing wrong with choosing to stay silent to the drunk driver who carelessly and selfishly takes your best friend's life. But it says something incredibly profound when you can hug same said drunk driver and look them dead in the eyes and say "I forgive you."

Personally, my pain is nothing compared to any of those situations (nor, again, the pain felt by any of the Santos family). Yet it's pain nonetheless. But it's something I've chosen to let go of. It wasn't apparent at first. It certainly wasn't natural to come to this decision. But it's the decision where I've found peace. I chose love and found peace. Imagine that.

?

I just wish I could understand why.

Prayer Time: Appendix A

I recently watched a video of Glorie's old hospital room. While I can't say that I had an entirely positive response to the video, one of the things I was most amazed with was the sheer outpouring of love on Glorie. She is very, very loved.

Anyway, there is one thing that bothered me. Whomever edited the video, felt it necessary to put in the words "thank you for praying. It's WORKING."

Now, let's just explore this in context. I am absolutely certain that whomever did the video (I hypothesize that it is either Praise or Myriam), inserted this particular tidbit as a showcase of gratitude. That is, to let the viewer (and trust me, the viewer is someone whom accessed must have been allowed cause the video is well hidden) understand completely that their prayers are received with full appreciation. As a result of said prayers, God has responded in marvelous ways.

However, this is precisely my issue. To say that prayer is "working" would be to imply that prayer is some sort of formula. In essence, the thing that could be concluded is that the more that you pray the more that you get what you ask for. But that's not the case. You don't pray and see whether it "works" or not.

To be fair, this is a fairly trivial concern. The video was well made and I am certain that the thought never even crossed anyone else's mind. Yet it bothered me cause, well, I just wrote a mini essay regarding the very topic so I suppose it was just fresh on my mind.

Thus this post.

Hanging on by a thread

It stings.

Really deep pain.

I thought I'd never experience this again?

Who goes through rock bottom again? There's a reason it's called rock bottom.

I kind of feel like Job. But hearing that sentence makes me realize how ridiculous I am. My pain is nothing compared to Jobs (or Jesus' for that matter).

Yet, I still feel pain. Won't you just enlighten me Lord?
Are my questions that foolish to you? When I say "why?" does it really waste Your time that much to answer me?

I know the answer. I'm not entitled to a response from You. Trying to explain Your ways to me would be the equivalent of relating Galactic astronomy to a chocolate chip cookie.

But it still hurts.

That video burned images into my brain. The support is surreal. But there's that one picture. Centered to her right. he was holding her hand instead of me. Much less, it appears as though I don't exist right now.

I feel rejected.

Of all people, my family would hurt me.





Merciful Jesus...I need your rescue badly.

O Praise Him

I'm not one to allow mindless youtube watching to consume a majority of my time. However, this is one of the most incredible videos I've seen in my life.

It was worth posting.

re: contemplative catharsis

Well, God answered that one pretty quickly.

contemplative catharsis

I am weary.

With everything that has been going on with Glorie, I have tried my absolute hardest to play the biggest support role that I could. I have done everything in my power to disrobe my selfishness and clothe myself with humility and love. I have taken great lengths to make it personal that I ensure as many people as I could that there is hope in a situation as grave as Glorie's was. Gracefully, God has responded fervently. He has single-handedly restored Glorie from her previous condition and is continuing to do so daily. Amazing no?

However, I find myself in a horrible situation. I desire so badly to help in any way that I can. Yet, I also desire to stay out of the way of Glorie's family. I am such a simpleton. I can't begin to grasp what it's like to experience this situation from a Mother/Father's perspective (and for that matter, from a sister's perspective). I sincerely love Glorie, Praise, Tita Maricor and Tito Henry. They are my family. Yet why do they remain distant from me? The only other time I've felt like this was right before Praise's graduation. It turns out everyone was silent because Glorie had chosen Ryan. It appeared to be best to keep the news from me because no one wanted to hurt me. Yet, it stung all the more when I found out that everyone knew except me.

What if that's what's happening here? What if my 2nd family is choosing to remain distant from me to send me another clear message? What if I'm really not accepted the way that I thought that I was. Could it be that my time has passed? I am not loved in the same way that I once was? They may not want me around right now. If that's the case, that's ok...you know? I can accept that. Yet why would they choose not to tell me so? I just miss talking with them.

The fact that I entertain such filthy thoughts is beyond me as well. I cannot allow for there to be even a hint of doubt in my belief. Glorie needs me to support her and support her I shall. My focus cannot be shaken at such a critical time. My desire is simply to intercede for Glorie to the Lord.


It sure does hurt though. I'm finding it more and more difficult to encourage others. Not because there's nothing to encourage about, but because it's simply hard for me. I keep giving and giving and giving more of myself. Yet I feel like when's the last time I ever received anything?

But then again, it's not about me so what the nutz am I complaining about? *sigh*


I need help.

Prayer Time Pt. 2

Honestly, I'm a little confused as to how to answer the question of "what does prayer look like?" Further, I'm not even sure I know anything about anything. When thinking about my response to my question, I immediately thought of Jesus' prayer in the book of Matthew, but realized I wouldn't be able to explore that sufficiently. Then I thought about simply redirecting the attention to those who can explain better than me (Louie Giglio - Prayer: Remix). Yet, I still found that to be more of a cop out than anything else. So, I'm simply going to break it down the way I think is most uncomfortable--by exploring it myself.

I've always thought that prayer was something to do because it was "holy." We always prayed at my house before meals because it was proper. We always prayed in the morning and at night because it was appropriate. However, this actually led to guilt and shame for me. When I was at school, and didn't have my spiritual giant grandfather stewarding me through life, I quickly forgot to pray. In fact, there would be rounds where I'd be in front of people but choose not to pray simply because I was embarassed that I'd be the only one doing it. I didn't pray in the morning and at night because, well, it wasn't important to me.

Anyway, fast forward to me post relationship with Christ. I've discovered, just comparing and contrasting my experiences, that there's this profound peace when you lock onto God in prayer. Something about being able to bring all aspects of the small whisper we call life to Him, and then knowing that He hears you, reverberates deeply within. My prayers have not always had the answers I've been looking for. Often times, the answers to my prayers have been "wait." Yet the thing is, I've found the most peace by being completely honest with God and then saying nothing more. I don't have to smother God with religious jargon. I don't have to pretend like I understand everything. I can scream out "it hurts" and not say a word and it will be the most amazing experience just knowing I'm heard. Most profound, perhaps, is when you just sit there in silence, and exit the conversation filled with a sense of peace. It's difficult to explain.

So, to answer the question originally proposed, I guess I don't know what prayer looks like either. I know that all the images aforementioned are usually linked to prayer, but I guess I just had a bone to pick with how sadly limited the view of prayer was. I don't know.

It stems simply from praying for Glorie. I've never prayed for anything so seriously in my life. Perhaps God needed to teach me this lesson through the most excruciating of methods possible. Perhaps not. Nonetheless, I have a newfound respect for this conversation we're allowed.

Prayer Time

Google the word prayer. Click on the images link. 95% of the images you'll find depict some person who looks like their trying with all their might to concentrate on something. Their hands will usually be locked in a mystifying position that would usually serve no other purpose. Almost always, that person's eyes will be closed.
Some of the images even have artistic lighting! The dramatic rays of sun appear to have a profound effect on the person praying. As if to say, "this person is praying so well that even the sun is taking notice." Yet this is what perplexes me the most.

Don't get me wrong. I love praying. I think it's powerful and tranquil. Yet is this the image of prayer? Why not a simple smile? Why not tears? Laughter? What about an empty room with no dramatic sun?

Having faith in Christ has allowed me to understand some of the images that I see on Google. Often times the closed eyes and concentration are to better focus on the God that the prayer is to. The hands, for one reason or another, also help in this regard. The bowing can usually be linked to a reflection of the soul at that time. As if the body is involuntarily saying, "I'm small. You're big. Who am I to stand up to you?"

All of these things are good things. However, I believe that it's of critical importance for everyone (Jesus follower or not), to understand that praying is not merely the presenting of a laundry lists of desires to God. If that were the sad truth, then I may as well worship Santa Clause as the pinnacle treasure in my life.

Rather, I believe it's of paramount importance to truly understand (and view) prayer as an invitation; God allowing us to have a really awesome conversation. Note that one of the requirements for a conversation is two-way communication. Not just, "Here Jesus! You are awesome and by the way it'd be great if you gave me this, this, and that." I believe that there needs to be an allowance for the soul to repreive. To receive whatever it is Christ wants us to receive at that moment in time--even if that means receiving nothing at all.

So, how then do we pray? What does "real" prayer look like?


To be continued... :)

On

I've officially turned on my emo switch.

Go Braves?

There I was...one among the 45,000 in attendance.

The energy was unreal. Everyone doing the tomahawk chop in unison with the unmistakable beating of the drum. Voices amplified as everyone collectively tried to will the Braves to a victory.

Francoeur scored on an error. The crowd erupted in an even more intense shout.

I joined.

Then I realized...when's the last time I screamed for Jesus this loudly?

Blah

I'm reading C.S. Lewis right now. I wanted to read some of his more famous stuff (i.e. Mere Christianity, Screwtape Letters, Narnia, etc.), yet I was drawn to one of his other books--Grief Observed. It's a personal journal that he wrote after his wife died. I thought that, although I have no such wife (nor is anyone dead for that matter), I may be able to find something worth contemplating in the book.

Anyway, I'm almost done with chapter one and have already found much to reflect upon. For example, Lewis mulls over the thought that sometimes God chooses to stay silent. When we prosper and are savoring the joy of life at the most high of times, God seems to shout most loudly at us; reminding us that we are dependant on Him. Other times, Lewis says, when we reside temporarily in empty misery, no matter how hard we kick and scream God says nothing at all. He says that the pinnacle example of this is when Jesus cried out, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" implying the perplexing decision for God to stay silent during times of most critical need.

Personally, having experienced both sides of life, I've found that I can identify with Clive very well. However, again much like Lewis, I've found that experiencing both of these journeys has never led to a wavering of my faith. If anything, it has only aroused a bigger curiousity as to why God chooses to make the decisions that He does.

Still, I can't quite explain it. God does what He wants because...well...simply cause He can. That may not satisfy some people, but that's ok. If you truly sit down and analyze it, if God is truly what He's supposed to be, then it's certainly not out of the question for Him to make decisions just cause He can. Personally, I take solace in the fact that although Jesus is the most mysterious person I've ever met in my life, He allows me insight into His character. Through the Word, I'm able to identify stable, unchanging nuggets of His character, and hold desperately onto those truths in joy and in pain.

Thus I find myself in my current situation.

Anxious but grateful.

Faithless yet faithful.

Smiling in spite of pain.



most proudly...confident in my uncertainty.

Life

Well, for anyone who doesn't know, I've compiled a short list of things everyone who should know.

1) God is hilarious. Ex: Santos Family

2) School is bleh (and supposedly is missed when you get out of it).

3) True friends are a treasure. Cherish them and let them know.

4) Light > Darkness.

5) Even though your labor is comparable to that of a slave, WDW is a place that is dearly missed once you stop working there.

6) Michael Vick is an idiot.

7) Kindness is truly hard to find. Be kind to someone and don't expect anything in return. You'll rave in the assortment of responses that you'll receive.

8) Without faith, life is impossible.

9) Waffle House food will probably be served in heaven.

10) Get excited!

My conundrum

I find this summer school thing to be an extremely obnoxious obstacle in my life.

At the same time, I'm aware that a college education is a precious commodity that will prove invaluable in the long run.

Yet, I cannot find the necessary motivation to have any inkling of motivation toward school. I just want to be in Florida right now.

Nevertheless, my life mission is to be Distinguished. Perhaps this will be a learning experience when it's said and done.

Thinking...

I wonder what I'll be in the future. It's weird when you think about it.

Just take the past 5 years. Looking back, I can't even imagine the shock if I could tell me 17 year old self all that he would be experiencing. He would be meeting an amazing woman named Glorie soon. She would change his life. He would also be meeting an even more amazing person named Jesus. He would change his life even greater. He would end up graduating high school and never change his study habits despite all the naysayers. He would end up working at the Walt Disney World resort and again be completely blown away. The list goes on.

So, I wonder what's in store next you know? Get excited.

feeling...

down.

It came out of nowhere.

continuing with the theme...

This avatar completely fails to encaptulate the fabulousness that is Fred Godoy.