Well, it's been a week and two days since Tita Maricor and I talked. I asked for a week to pray about what to do with my journal, and, still haven't landed on a decision. I'm heavily leaning toward just keeping everything up though. Half of the pressure that I felt on myself was due to the fact that she said that Ryan had been in constant contact with an attorney (and thus didn't know if I'd have even a week to pray). It's a true head scratcher.
Anyway, I don't even feel comfortable writing in this thing anymore. I feel like every word I write will be scrutinized at some point in time by somebody. Someone will get offended and all this drama will repeat.
I'm going to try again though. I haven't allowed for a release from this scenario anyway. So, for the next few entries, I will hopefully be able to write out my thoughts. Hopefully it'll be like normal.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Remedy
It's been a good six days since this album has been playing in my CD player. Overall, it's a wonderful album--Crowder meeting the bar that he has set for himself musically. That said, the album is tragically way too short.
Remedy is David Crowder* Band's 4th full length album (don't even tell me that B Collision and Sunsets & Sushi were albums). As such, Mr. Crowder has established himself as one of the most distinguishable song writers in the Christian spectrum today. Thus the expectations for Remedy were high and fortunately for all of us he meets them.
Musically speaking, the album is a delight. The songs range very well. "You never let go" and "Surely we can change" emanate a really serene tone. Brightly contrasting we have songs like "We won't be quiet" and "...Neverending..." with their, how shall we say, more upbeat personalities. "Rain Down" was kind of a head scratcher for me. David did the song already on a previous album but felt it worthy to do it again here. Head scratching material indeed. "Oh for a thousand tongues to sing" shows why Crowder is so great at rearranging hymns. The little refrain he added was stellar also. "Can you feel it?" is no better example of the maturity in David Crowder Band. It's quite edgy yet remains profoundly simple. It's really great. "Remedy", perhaps my favorite song on the album, simply penetrates the heart.
All of these personalities are grouped together for Remedy, and you have a really great album. The sad thing is that it's much too short. As is, the album is somewhere in the area of 45 mins. Take "Rain Down" away and you have basically 40 mins. Although the album is a delight, it's also kind of like a tease. I would've gladly waited another 6 months for another album as long as A Collision but I'm not complaining. :)
Last, one thing I wanted to draw attention to was the song writing of Dave. If you sit and listen to a lot of the words on the various songs, many will strike the most harmonious chords in your heart. It's as if Crowder, in full circle, has a compliation of songs that are appropriate for most walks in life.
Most profound, perhaps, is surely we can change. The fact that we, as Holy Spirit-powered ambassadors, have the ability to be something to someone.
To those in fear, we can be brave.
To those in pain, we can be serene.
And so on.
Maybe this is what Crowder is getting at the whole time. The fact that we can be (and should be) the Remedy.
Interesting.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
life update
So much to say. Where to begin?
- It's been 2 weeks since the phone call. Since then I've received a supplementary email regarding this situation. The email was quite strange to me; accusing me further of things I had no idea I was doing. The email also required a response from me. I called her back the next day to talk about what kind of response would be required of me. That was more than a week ago.
I have nowhere left to go but wait from here. If she wants to talk to me, she will. If anything, perhaps the expedited recovery of the G is consuming her time. If so, then I'll gladly be put on the side. However, I have peace in my decision that, at least until now, this will continue to be my catharsis.
- Lola is absolutely incredible. Despite the fact that this cancer finds ways to rear its hideous head in new, confounding ways on a daily basis, Lola's faith continues to shine brighter and brighter.
Take yesterday for example. Here she is, clearly drained of energy, yet she still finds ways to respond to all of our voices. She still persists to show everyone how strong she truly is. Talking is difficult for her, but when she does talk, it's easy to get blown away.
If I were in the same situation, I would be kicking and complaining and screaming.
Lola on the other hand? She gently sings the words "Why should I be discouraged?" form the song "His Eye Is On The Sparrow"
That's confidence. When, amidst the pain and grief, your soul finds solace in the fact that the Maker of the universe is paying attention to your life. The song that lola picked could not be any more precise. A song that beautifully melodies the fact that the great God, who singlehandedly sustains all life, cares deeply about us; the thought that God takes complete care of a simple bird--down to the details of what they eat in the morning and night. If such, how much more does he take care of us (who are of much greater value to God)?
I always pray for God to alleviate her pain. The grimace on her face speaks loudly of the pain she perpetually endures. If Christ, in sweet mercy, would allow for it to be easier it would mean so much.
- School needs to be over soon. Classes aren't too good but they're aren't that bad either. I do have two tests (on the same day no less) next thursday. Get excited.
- CallieAnn finally got back in touch with me. She seems to be taking her storm rather hard. I dearly hope that she would stand on her faith. I want to talk with her. I miss our conversations. Alas, I will still wait patiently. She will contact me when she's ready.
- Churchwise, things are really going great right now. Louie Giglio is finishing his two-part series this sunday. I would go on about how amazing his talk was last sunday, but it would be an injustice to both Louie and God. Essentially this is what was stressed...
The Cross, in all walks of life, is evidence of God's unique individualized care for us. We may not always understand it at first, but if you look at the cross long enough (as well as embrace the nail marks long enough), the Answer will suddenly shine clearly.
Another Eric joined our small group. He's from Ft. Lauderdale. After eating Waffle House with him last thursday, all I have to say is get excited.
- I'm broke.
- I talked with some Jehovah's Witnesses on Sunday. They wanted to argue whether or not Natural Disasters came from God. They said they'd come back this sunday. I really hope so; I'd love to discuss the mystery of the trinity with them.
- I also talked with an "up-and-coming" rapper on my school campus last week. I took one of his CDs. He proceeded to ask for a "donation" of $2 bucks for the CD. I gave back the CD. Then our conversations went something along the lines of...
"Why you don't want to support me man?"
"I am supporting you. You'll get more money from someone else who will like your CD more than me."
"Naw man why don't you want to support me?"
"I am...here's your CD back."
This continued for the next 10 minutes...
Eventually he finally gave up on me. I tried to shake his hand and wished him only the best. He said "why would I shake your hand? You don't want to support me. Your type of people never buy my music. I just thought you would be different."
I smiled and walked away. Of all things he chose to play the race card as his trump. Ironically, he probably felt sorry for me.
- I guess that's it for now. My wrist hurts from typing.
- It's been 2 weeks since the phone call. Since then I've received a supplementary email regarding this situation. The email was quite strange to me; accusing me further of things I had no idea I was doing. The email also required a response from me. I called her back the next day to talk about what kind of response would be required of me. That was more than a week ago.
I have nowhere left to go but wait from here. If she wants to talk to me, she will. If anything, perhaps the expedited recovery of the G is consuming her time. If so, then I'll gladly be put on the side. However, I have peace in my decision that, at least until now, this will continue to be my catharsis.
- Lola is absolutely incredible. Despite the fact that this cancer finds ways to rear its hideous head in new, confounding ways on a daily basis, Lola's faith continues to shine brighter and brighter.
Take yesterday for example. Here she is, clearly drained of energy, yet she still finds ways to respond to all of our voices. She still persists to show everyone how strong she truly is. Talking is difficult for her, but when she does talk, it's easy to get blown away.
If I were in the same situation, I would be kicking and complaining and screaming.
Lola on the other hand? She gently sings the words "Why should I be discouraged?" form the song "His Eye Is On The Sparrow"
That's confidence. When, amidst the pain and grief, your soul finds solace in the fact that the Maker of the universe is paying attention to your life. The song that lola picked could not be any more precise. A song that beautifully melodies the fact that the great God, who singlehandedly sustains all life, cares deeply about us; the thought that God takes complete care of a simple bird--down to the details of what they eat in the morning and night. If such, how much more does he take care of us (who are of much greater value to God)?
I always pray for God to alleviate her pain. The grimace on her face speaks loudly of the pain she perpetually endures. If Christ, in sweet mercy, would allow for it to be easier it would mean so much.
- School needs to be over soon. Classes aren't too good but they're aren't that bad either. I do have two tests (on the same day no less) next thursday. Get excited.
- CallieAnn finally got back in touch with me. She seems to be taking her storm rather hard. I dearly hope that she would stand on her faith. I want to talk with her. I miss our conversations. Alas, I will still wait patiently. She will contact me when she's ready.
- Churchwise, things are really going great right now. Louie Giglio is finishing his two-part series this sunday. I would go on about how amazing his talk was last sunday, but it would be an injustice to both Louie and God. Essentially this is what was stressed...
The Cross, in all walks of life, is evidence of God's unique individualized care for us. We may not always understand it at first, but if you look at the cross long enough (as well as embrace the nail marks long enough), the Answer will suddenly shine clearly.
Another Eric joined our small group. He's from Ft. Lauderdale. After eating Waffle House with him last thursday, all I have to say is get excited.
- I'm broke.
- I talked with some Jehovah's Witnesses on Sunday. They wanted to argue whether or not Natural Disasters came from God. They said they'd come back this sunday. I really hope so; I'd love to discuss the mystery of the trinity with them.
- I also talked with an "up-and-coming" rapper on my school campus last week. I took one of his CDs. He proceeded to ask for a "donation" of $2 bucks for the CD. I gave back the CD. Then our conversations went something along the lines of...
"Why you don't want to support me man?"
"I am supporting you. You'll get more money from someone else who will like your CD more than me."
"Naw man why don't you want to support me?"
"I am...here's your CD back."
This continued for the next 10 minutes...
Eventually he finally gave up on me. I tried to shake his hand and wished him only the best. He said "why would I shake your hand? You don't want to support me. Your type of people never buy my music. I just thought you would be different."
I smiled and walked away. Of all things he chose to play the race card as his trump. Ironically, he probably felt sorry for me.
- I guess that's it for now. My wrist hurts from typing.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
1 week later
It's been a week since it happened.
I've discussed the situation with my wise council. Still no definitive answer. Many feel I should completely abandon the situation and just stay out (as apparently so clearly desired by other people). Others feel that I should keep doing what I'm doing and not change a thing.
Personally, I've found very little peace either way. I do know that this week of praying has led to much grief. I also know that I don't quite have peace taking this thing down either. I seek clarity and believe that I simply need more time.
In any case, I wish to leave the following reflection of mine...
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." - Matt 11:28-30
Isn't that verse so amazing? Jesus Himself...welcoming us to lighten our load.
Do not be fooled, however. Jesus is not inviting people to some sort of a gimmick. It's not as if He's a used car salesman begging you to trade in your car for a newer or "better" one. No...not quite. Jesus instead is inviting us to learn from His way of living.
The amazing dynamic about us, as humans, is the fact that we're extremely relational. Yet many of these relations leave dents, tattered baggage, and calloused scars all over our poor souls. Inevitably, our bodies get bogged down with excess weight, and we drag when we continue to press on in life.
Am I not clear? Think of it this way. Super Glue your hand to someone else's hairy chest. When your hand finally separates from said hairy chest, there's undeniable evidence left on both parties. The chest is now graced with residue from not only the glue, but probably some torn skin as well from your hand. As for your hand, well, I don't even need to talk about how obvious it would be that your hand was clearly where few hands dare to go.
Perhaps the analogy was a little obtuse. However, don't forget the point of it all. When we enter friendships with people (be it romantic or platonic), those friends make undeniable imprints on our lives. The problem is, when some of those friendships go awry, we continue to carry that baggage (hairy chest and all) with us.
Which is what makes Jesus' invitation all the more profound. He openly invites us to deposit our broken lives at the foot of the cross. He shows us what it means to truly embrace it (the cross) and live forever changed as a result. In essence, we're living life to the fullest!
I can't quite break it down as well as I'd like. A.W. Tozer does a much better job...
(from The Pursuit of God)
"To men and women everywhere Jesus says, 'Come unto me, and I will give you rest.' The rest He offers is the rest of meekness, the blessed relief which comes when we accept ourselves for what we are and cease to pretend. It will take some courage at first, but the needed grace will come as we learn that we are sharing this new and easy yoke with the strong Son of God Himself. He calls it "My yoke," and He walks at one end while we walk at the other."
This has helped me find peace. To know that no matter what happens, God's value of me is unchanging. To completely understand that though I may masquerade around life as some make believe character, when I unveil my trueself head bowed down at the cross, Jesus will still be there smiling and embracing me for what He's made me.
I've discussed the situation with my wise council. Still no definitive answer. Many feel I should completely abandon the situation and just stay out (as apparently so clearly desired by other people). Others feel that I should keep doing what I'm doing and not change a thing.
Personally, I've found very little peace either way. I do know that this week of praying has led to much grief. I also know that I don't quite have peace taking this thing down either. I seek clarity and believe that I simply need more time.
In any case, I wish to leave the following reflection of mine...
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." - Matt 11:28-30
Isn't that verse so amazing? Jesus Himself...welcoming us to lighten our load.
Do not be fooled, however. Jesus is not inviting people to some sort of a gimmick. It's not as if He's a used car salesman begging you to trade in your car for a newer or "better" one. No...not quite. Jesus instead is inviting us to learn from His way of living.
The amazing dynamic about us, as humans, is the fact that we're extremely relational. Yet many of these relations leave dents, tattered baggage, and calloused scars all over our poor souls. Inevitably, our bodies get bogged down with excess weight, and we drag when we continue to press on in life.
Am I not clear? Think of it this way. Super Glue your hand to someone else's hairy chest. When your hand finally separates from said hairy chest, there's undeniable evidence left on both parties. The chest is now graced with residue from not only the glue, but probably some torn skin as well from your hand. As for your hand, well, I don't even need to talk about how obvious it would be that your hand was clearly where few hands dare to go.
Perhaps the analogy was a little obtuse. However, don't forget the point of it all. When we enter friendships with people (be it romantic or platonic), those friends make undeniable imprints on our lives. The problem is, when some of those friendships go awry, we continue to carry that baggage (hairy chest and all) with us.
Which is what makes Jesus' invitation all the more profound. He openly invites us to deposit our broken lives at the foot of the cross. He shows us what it means to truly embrace it (the cross) and live forever changed as a result. In essence, we're living life to the fullest!
I can't quite break it down as well as I'd like. A.W. Tozer does a much better job...
(from The Pursuit of God)
"To men and women everywhere Jesus says, 'Come unto me, and I will give you rest.' The rest He offers is the rest of meekness, the blessed relief which comes when we accept ourselves for what we are and cease to pretend. It will take some courage at first, but the needed grace will come as we learn that we are sharing this new and easy yoke with the strong Son of God Himself. He calls it "My yoke," and He walks at one end while we walk at the other."
This has helped me find peace. To know that no matter what happens, God's value of me is unchanging. To completely understand that though I may masquerade around life as some make believe character, when I unveil my trueself head bowed down at the cross, Jesus will still be there smiling and embracing me for what He's made me.
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
ARghalkdgjoie
Sweeping changes are soon coming.
Due to some people's concerns over some things I've been writing on this thing, I have been asked to take my blog down. I have agreed on a principle level, but I won't be completely taking this down. Rather, the site will be significantly different. For the 3 of you that happen to take interest in this thing, know that it will be much altered. I have to find a way to private-ize my posts. I tried messing around with it right now but it has been more difficult than I expected.
This may seem so unexpected and so random but know that it's weird for me too. I will eventually divulge further details regarding this sudden change of direction...but I need time to pray first. Just realize the situation distills down to this:
I've always wanted to be completely transparent with my life. Other people, who are impacted by my life (and vice versa) do not share this windex transparency philosophy of mine--and that's ok. My candor has reached the point where it clearly affects other people so yeah.
Lastly, from what I can see, I'll either have to make you "invite only" if you still want to read this, or I would have to make private any post that deals specifically with "person X". I certainly don't want to do the former...after all it would require *gasp* me finding out who reads this crap.
That's all for now...I suppose.
Due to some people's concerns over some things I've been writing on this thing, I have been asked to take my blog down. I have agreed on a principle level, but I won't be completely taking this down. Rather, the site will be significantly different. For the 3 of you that happen to take interest in this thing, know that it will be much altered. I have to find a way to private-ize my posts. I tried messing around with it right now but it has been more difficult than I expected.
This may seem so unexpected and so random but know that it's weird for me too. I will eventually divulge further details regarding this sudden change of direction...but I need time to pray first. Just realize the situation distills down to this:
I've always wanted to be completely transparent with my life. Other people, who are impacted by my life (and vice versa) do not share this windex transparency philosophy of mine--and that's ok. My candor has reached the point where it clearly affects other people so yeah.
Lastly, from what I can see, I'll either have to make you "invite only" if you still want to read this, or I would have to make private any post that deals specifically with "person X". I certainly don't want to do the former...after all it would require *gasp* me finding out who reads this crap.
That's all for now...I suppose.
Monday, September 03, 2007
Quiet time with Lola
I've spent much of the past 72 hours with my dear grandmother. I can safely say that it was time well spent.
Lola continues to display her strength throughout this entire situation. It's inspiring. Every time someone comes to visit her, she always welcome them in with a bright smile. Everytime someone has asked her how she's doing, without hesitation she responds something along the lines of "I have a lot to be thankful for." If I were in the same situation (battling face to face with the atrocity that is caner), I can only hope that my reponses would emanate half of the faith that Lola's do.
It's really cool. Lola rocks.
Lola continues to display her strength throughout this entire situation. It's inspiring. Every time someone comes to visit her, she always welcome them in with a bright smile. Everytime someone has asked her how she's doing, without hesitation she responds something along the lines of "I have a lot to be thankful for." If I were in the same situation (battling face to face with the atrocity that is caner), I can only hope that my reponses would emanate half of the faith that Lola's do.
It's really cool. Lola rocks.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Monday, August 27, 2007
Whirlwind Weekend
I would say sorry for the lack of updates but then I realized that no one reads this anyway. So what's the point?
Where to start...
- My lola (that's grandmother to all you unfortunate enough to not be of Filipino decent) is feeling rather ill. It's strange to me. She's one of the strongest people that I know and seeing her weak is so out of place. I try to imagine what the pain is like for her, but I can't. I wish I could lend her what little strength that I have.
Cancer is truly a hideous thing. As an observer, all I can write about is the result of the path of destruction that it leaves in its wake. It has chosen to target my dear lola and it appears to be gaining an upper hand. My lola's inability to get up and walk around her house like she normally would be able to is disturbing.
Although I continue to pray for her recovery, I have realized that it's my privilege to enjoy the rest of the time I have been blessed with her. Many feel that she's near the end of her journey. I beg to differ...but if that's truly the case, then I will soak in the moments all the more. It would be my joy to someday tell my kids of the woman Lola was. A contagious, sunlight-beckoning smile...faith equaled only to lolo's...and strength that endured through storm after storm are all hallmarks of the kind of woman Lydia Godoy is.
- Glorie, from what I understand, continues to gain strength everyday. She seems to have retained her talkative nature and apparently talks a storm to everyone that visits her.
A lot of her family has been visiting from all around the US. I can only imagine what joy they must have experienced seeing Glorie display herself so proudly. Last I heard, Glorie seems absolutely driven to show everyone that she's going to be able to walk again soon. Typical Glorie behavior if you ask me; Glow has always been quick to show what Christ has done for her.
Myriam got to see her again. I'm happy for her. I imagine such priceless joy was shared by the both of them. What a moment. Kat Kat and Raychill will be able to see her soon (in two weeks or so?). I'm certain that both of them will take equal delight in seeing Glow again.
It's my desire to see or hear from Glorie in the future too. But for now, even though it sucks tremendously, I must respect the fact that I have no place in the situation. If the opportunity ever reveals itself to me, my only hope is to not cry too bad when I'm able to marinade in that moment.
- School hasn't been too bad. I have good and bad teachers. Fairly typical. Hopefully I meet more people this year and just have more friends. That would be grand.
I guess that's it...for now.
Where to start...
- My lola (that's grandmother to all you unfortunate enough to not be of Filipino decent) is feeling rather ill. It's strange to me. She's one of the strongest people that I know and seeing her weak is so out of place. I try to imagine what the pain is like for her, but I can't. I wish I could lend her what little strength that I have.
Cancer is truly a hideous thing. As an observer, all I can write about is the result of the path of destruction that it leaves in its wake. It has chosen to target my dear lola and it appears to be gaining an upper hand. My lola's inability to get up and walk around her house like she normally would be able to is disturbing.
Although I continue to pray for her recovery, I have realized that it's my privilege to enjoy the rest of the time I have been blessed with her. Many feel that she's near the end of her journey. I beg to differ...but if that's truly the case, then I will soak in the moments all the more. It would be my joy to someday tell my kids of the woman Lola was. A contagious, sunlight-beckoning smile...faith equaled only to lolo's...and strength that endured through storm after storm are all hallmarks of the kind of woman Lydia Godoy is.
- Glorie, from what I understand, continues to gain strength everyday. She seems to have retained her talkative nature and apparently talks a storm to everyone that visits her.
A lot of her family has been visiting from all around the US. I can only imagine what joy they must have experienced seeing Glorie display herself so proudly. Last I heard, Glorie seems absolutely driven to show everyone that she's going to be able to walk again soon. Typical Glorie behavior if you ask me; Glow has always been quick to show what Christ has done for her.
Myriam got to see her again. I'm happy for her. I imagine such priceless joy was shared by the both of them. What a moment. Kat Kat and Raychill will be able to see her soon (in two weeks or so?). I'm certain that both of them will take equal delight in seeing Glow again.
It's my desire to see or hear from Glorie in the future too. But for now, even though it sucks tremendously, I must respect the fact that I have no place in the situation. If the opportunity ever reveals itself to me, my only hope is to not cry too bad when I'm able to marinade in that moment.
- School hasn't been too bad. I have good and bad teachers. Fairly typical. Hopefully I meet more people this year and just have more friends. That would be grand.
I guess that's it...for now.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
That little place
So I reached the point where the pain is just plain numb. My eyes have tired from expelling tear after tear. My body is all like, "Fred, in case you weren't aware, food is a requisite in order for us to function."
Funny then, that it's not until I reached this point that God was able to melt some barriers of mine. It's kind of like Jesus had to wait until I was most broken for me to finally break.
Anyway, I have more peace now because I've uncovered some frighteningly obvious truths...
1) God is huge. No even bigger than huge. He's enormous. Well even then, enormous would be inadequate. God is really, really big. You get the point.
I always masqueraded around like I truly understood this concept, but I'm just now beginning to wrap my mind around this thought: the story is about Him! It's not a very new or original thought (and frankly it sounds a little churchy), but the truth that we are all designed to reflect God is a very important principle to keep in mind.
Throughout this situation, it was easy for me to get lost in my emotions. In my limited understanding, I would think about how all the different aspects of Glorie's situation affected me; however, how has it affected Him? If God chooses to bring more glory to himself (through Glorie) in this profoundly confusing way, who am I to make much of my personal pain?
My scope has been widened, and I see the landscape a bit more clearly. It's still very blurry, but I believe I can see the cross.
2) I am loved. Not only that, but I am loved very, very much.
For much time, I was hurt simply because I felt that Glorie and her family no longer loved me. While I believe that they still care for me, I don't think there's any doubt that I am no longer as precious to them as I once was. I still miss them dearly, but am slowly coming to grips with the fact that I may not speak to them again.
That said, I've realized that my focus has been off. When Glorie and I first separated, I was hurting. Absolutely vulnerable. Instead of trusting that Christ has my best interest in mind (in all walks of my life), I trusted others. I threw myself onto Alicia and it didn't work. Only after my life was shattered did I turn to Him. I actually tasted God for the first time in that dark season, and he responded immediately!
Honestly, I could not look past all the pain I was experiencing. Yet, I gave absolutely no credence to the fact that Christ was hugging me this entire time. Dear friend, if you find yourself reading this, pay special attention to these words. If you only remember one thing that I say to you, I desire it to be this:
Christ loves you so much. It's the most cliche, overstated, plain words you'll hear in your life. But it is true.
This realization in mind, I've found more peace. What reason have I to continue to writhe in misery? The God of the entire universe is desperately in love with me! That's huge!
3) I should always take joy.
The fact that Glorie is still living and breathing is due to the sheer mercy of God. The fact that she has improved every single day since her accident (and is still continuing to improve), is a testament to the fact that our Dad hears His children crying. These mountains of joy in mind, there is very little room for discouragement.
If Glorie pronounces her undying love for Ryan, and her family delights in the result, who am I to take issue with that? If Ryan's presence is helping Glorie heal everyday, then I should be thankful for her recovery and for his support. I still feel that there is a very real potential for danger with this situation, but for now, my heart is slowing praising God for who He is; and what He's done.
Life is still hard for me...but that's not a bad thing. Jesus is holding my hand and crawling next to me as I snail through this dimly lit journey of mine; and frankly, it's not raining so hard anymore.
Funny then, that it's not until I reached this point that God was able to melt some barriers of mine. It's kind of like Jesus had to wait until I was most broken for me to finally break.
Anyway, I have more peace now because I've uncovered some frighteningly obvious truths...
1) God is huge. No even bigger than huge. He's enormous. Well even then, enormous would be inadequate. God is really, really big. You get the point.
I always masqueraded around like I truly understood this concept, but I'm just now beginning to wrap my mind around this thought: the story is about Him! It's not a very new or original thought (and frankly it sounds a little churchy), but the truth that we are all designed to reflect God is a very important principle to keep in mind.
Throughout this situation, it was easy for me to get lost in my emotions. In my limited understanding, I would think about how all the different aspects of Glorie's situation affected me; however, how has it affected Him? If God chooses to bring more glory to himself (through Glorie) in this profoundly confusing way, who am I to make much of my personal pain?
My scope has been widened, and I see the landscape a bit more clearly. It's still very blurry, but I believe I can see the cross.
2) I am loved. Not only that, but I am loved very, very much.
For much time, I was hurt simply because I felt that Glorie and her family no longer loved me. While I believe that they still care for me, I don't think there's any doubt that I am no longer as precious to them as I once was. I still miss them dearly, but am slowly coming to grips with the fact that I may not speak to them again.
That said, I've realized that my focus has been off. When Glorie and I first separated, I was hurting. Absolutely vulnerable. Instead of trusting that Christ has my best interest in mind (in all walks of my life), I trusted others. I threw myself onto Alicia and it didn't work. Only after my life was shattered did I turn to Him. I actually tasted God for the first time in that dark season, and he responded immediately!
Honestly, I could not look past all the pain I was experiencing. Yet, I gave absolutely no credence to the fact that Christ was hugging me this entire time. Dear friend, if you find yourself reading this, pay special attention to these words. If you only remember one thing that I say to you, I desire it to be this:
Christ loves you so much. It's the most cliche, overstated, plain words you'll hear in your life. But it is true.
This realization in mind, I've found more peace. What reason have I to continue to writhe in misery? The God of the entire universe is desperately in love with me! That's huge!
3) I should always take joy.
The fact that Glorie is still living and breathing is due to the sheer mercy of God. The fact that she has improved every single day since her accident (and is still continuing to improve), is a testament to the fact that our Dad hears His children crying. These mountains of joy in mind, there is very little room for discouragement.
If Glorie pronounces her undying love for Ryan, and her family delights in the result, who am I to take issue with that? If Ryan's presence is helping Glorie heal everyday, then I should be thankful for her recovery and for his support. I still feel that there is a very real potential for danger with this situation, but for now, my heart is slowing praising God for who He is; and what He's done.
Life is still hard for me...but that's not a bad thing. Jesus is holding my hand and crawling next to me as I snail through this dimly lit journey of mine; and frankly, it's not raining so hard anymore.
Getting excited
My perceptions of everything are becoming more mature. I don't hold on to a lot of the same drama that I once considered so important. Praise the Lord talaga.
Detailed update coming later...
Detailed update coming later...
Monday, August 20, 2007
Three days later...
I've had some time to soak it all in. To sit back, reflect, and meditate on what exactly God is putting on my plate. The result? Tears, pain, some joy, and just plain confusion. I have realized some things though...
- I still can't wrap my mind around the situation in the first place. This may seem obvious cause seriously...of all people involved in this ordeal, who can make sense of it? Clearly God has great purpose for Glorie (otherwise He wouldn't have saved her life). Yet what perplexes me most, and will probably never be understood by such a limited mind such as mine, is the method by which God chooses to glorify Himself. An accident of this magnitude? It may make sense later on as we gain more wisdom, but right now it's still ridiculous to me.
- One of the aspects of this situation, that stings most deeply, is the way I've been replaced so easily. The trusted few whom I've talked about this matter with always try to assure me that I haven't been replaced. Those seem like wise words, but they feel very empty right now. What reason do I have to believe that I haven't been replaced? I haven't talked with anyone from that family in a month and a half and the one time I did hear from Tita Maricor, she implied repeatedly that I was no longer needed. Seems to me as if those same "you haven't been replaced" words just don't hold much value right now. What hurts most deeply is the amount of time I was worth. After 4 years of growing in life together, it took a mere 4 months to forget about me. That's what I was worth to them--4 months.
- I'm sad. Really, really sad. It's starting to affect me physically. I don't always eat cause most of the time I don't feel like eating. I think my body is getting used to only eating once a day. I don't play basketball as much anymore and my dad says I'm losing a lot of weight. Hopefully one day I don't just collapse. The fact that God gracefully keeps my heart beating is beyond me.
- On the other end of that spectrum is the question, "Fred, what would make you happy?" Honestly, it would be having my family back. This whole situation has caused me to lose my best friend, my little sister, and my 2nd mother and father.
I desire so badly to just talk with Praise. To finally be able to catch up on what the Lord revealed to her in Mexico. To listen to all the people God used to impact her life and vice versa. I miss the little text messages she'd send me just to let me know that Glorie was in stable condition.
I miss Tita Maricor the most. I miss the Paul that God so frequently used to mold my spirit for the past four years. I miss just being able to talk and learn from the fountain of knowledge that she is. I miss one of my best friends. I miss being called anak.
I even miss Tito Henry. Even his own solemn demeanor heavily influenced my life. I still find it cool that he doesn't waste time expressing himself with mere words; his actions speak more profoundly on his behalf. By simply observing him, I learned and learned and learned.
Yet all these things will be but mere faded memories. Glorie's "prince charming" has arrived and Glorie's family is in full approval of him. Me? I'm less than nothing.
- Another thing I've noticed is the fact that many keep telling me that what I'm going through is for the better. While this may be a technically true statement, saying it to me at this point in my journey is far from comforting. What reason have I to believe that the abundant love the Glorie and her family poured out on me will be improved upon by someone else? Christ's love is a more perfect love, yes, but that's scratching the surface of a paradox that I can't quite grasp. The love that we receive, indirectly from God through other people, is much more manageable and just plain easier to understand. Glorie's family were among the best that poured it on me.
- I get so angry sometimes at this plate. I hate just lying around and sulking. I don't want to be some pity case for everyone to feel sorry for. The overlying story here is that God, in His great mercy, has chosen to make Glorie the showcase of His glory. Glorie reflects His luminance brighter than anyone else. From these things, I find my joy.
- I still can't wrap my mind around the situation in the first place. This may seem obvious cause seriously...of all people involved in this ordeal, who can make sense of it? Clearly God has great purpose for Glorie (otherwise He wouldn't have saved her life). Yet what perplexes me most, and will probably never be understood by such a limited mind such as mine, is the method by which God chooses to glorify Himself. An accident of this magnitude? It may make sense later on as we gain more wisdom, but right now it's still ridiculous to me.
- One of the aspects of this situation, that stings most deeply, is the way I've been replaced so easily. The trusted few whom I've talked about this matter with always try to assure me that I haven't been replaced. Those seem like wise words, but they feel very empty right now. What reason do I have to believe that I haven't been replaced? I haven't talked with anyone from that family in a month and a half and the one time I did hear from Tita Maricor, she implied repeatedly that I was no longer needed. Seems to me as if those same "you haven't been replaced" words just don't hold much value right now. What hurts most deeply is the amount of time I was worth. After 4 years of growing in life together, it took a mere 4 months to forget about me. That's what I was worth to them--4 months.
- I'm sad. Really, really sad. It's starting to affect me physically. I don't always eat cause most of the time I don't feel like eating. I think my body is getting used to only eating once a day. I don't play basketball as much anymore and my dad says I'm losing a lot of weight. Hopefully one day I don't just collapse. The fact that God gracefully keeps my heart beating is beyond me.
- On the other end of that spectrum is the question, "Fred, what would make you happy?" Honestly, it would be having my family back. This whole situation has caused me to lose my best friend, my little sister, and my 2nd mother and father.
I desire so badly to just talk with Praise. To finally be able to catch up on what the Lord revealed to her in Mexico. To listen to all the people God used to impact her life and vice versa. I miss the little text messages she'd send me just to let me know that Glorie was in stable condition.
I miss Tita Maricor the most. I miss the Paul that God so frequently used to mold my spirit for the past four years. I miss just being able to talk and learn from the fountain of knowledge that she is. I miss one of my best friends. I miss being called anak.
I even miss Tito Henry. Even his own solemn demeanor heavily influenced my life. I still find it cool that he doesn't waste time expressing himself with mere words; his actions speak more profoundly on his behalf. By simply observing him, I learned and learned and learned.
Yet all these things will be but mere faded memories. Glorie's "prince charming" has arrived and Glorie's family is in full approval of him. Me? I'm less than nothing.
- Another thing I've noticed is the fact that many keep telling me that what I'm going through is for the better. While this may be a technically true statement, saying it to me at this point in my journey is far from comforting. What reason have I to believe that the abundant love the Glorie and her family poured out on me will be improved upon by someone else? Christ's love is a more perfect love, yes, but that's scratching the surface of a paradox that I can't quite grasp. The love that we receive, indirectly from God through other people, is much more manageable and just plain easier to understand. Glorie's family were among the best that poured it on me.
- I get so angry sometimes at this plate. I hate just lying around and sulking. I don't want to be some pity case for everyone to feel sorry for. The overlying story here is that God, in His great mercy, has chosen to make Glorie the showcase of His glory. Glorie reflects His luminance brighter than anyone else. From these things, I find my joy.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Bittersweet
The sweet: Grouplink and specifically God's ability to prove (yet again) that He's the most hilarious Person you'll ever meet.
the bitter: Reading the letter and the subsequent pain that follows. So many loopholes. So many questions. So much inconsistent reasoning.
Life is the most unpredictable journey I've ever been on.
the bitter: Reading the letter and the subsequent pain that follows. So many loopholes. So many questions. So much inconsistent reasoning.
Life is the most unpredictable journey I've ever been on.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Life update
For the 0 of you that read this thing, I apologize for the lack of an update. I don't really have that great of an excuse. I just haven't taken the time to write my thoughts out.
What is there to say really? Life is life. It plays through its ups and downs. I'm on my way back up again.
Oh, lots of other exciting things are happening though.
Callie Ann is experiencing a life emergency right now and it appears as if Sil is experiencing a personal emergency. My take on the respective situations? Anchor yourself to your faith in Him, hold His hand, and withstand the storm with everything you've got. Storms are almost cyclical. While they aren't quite predictable, they are guaranteed to happen. What's important to note is that during storms, much takes place. The relentless barrage of it may seem unbearable at first, but that's where faith is so important. When a storm is most intense, it really does a complete and thorough job testing the foundation of anything in its path. What do you find yourself standing on when everything gets blown away mercilessly? Are you confident enough in it to stake your entire life on it? Such is the first step of faith.
Alas, you find peace even amidst the most violent of storms. This is amplified when you continue to walk with Him throughout the whole process. It's surreal. I can't really explain it that well. Almost mystical...but 100% authentic. It just helps to know that your Father is on your side. Yeah.
In other news, I got a random text message this morning from Praise. She asked me if Indiana was a state. I responded "yes" but remained in a profound state of confusion for the next hour. Oh, and I don't know anymore whether or not they got my surprise gift for Glorie/everyone. Oh snapz. That might be a problem. *sigh*
Also, all of Central Florida has a pretty talented group of young folk. I just finished watching pinktux's youtube vid of their tiniklin performance almost a month ago (tiniklin is a filipino dance that I don't feel like explaining right now). They did a really great job. Like tremendously great. It was amazing. That's three compliments in a row! It must've been something for me to be so generous. It was so good that people in heaven probably started practicing (cause it's going to be a hilarious party once FBCCF shows up and shows everyone how to throw down tiniklin style).
Last, I'm attending group link tomorrow. I'll finally get to meet the poor guys that will share life with me for the next couple of months. Those poor, poor men. It's going to be quite a ride.
Anyway, this posting turned out to be completely random. I think I like it.
What is there to say really? Life is life. It plays through its ups and downs. I'm on my way back up again.
Oh, lots of other exciting things are happening though.
Callie Ann is experiencing a life emergency right now and it appears as if Sil is experiencing a personal emergency. My take on the respective situations? Anchor yourself to your faith in Him, hold His hand, and withstand the storm with everything you've got. Storms are almost cyclical. While they aren't quite predictable, they are guaranteed to happen. What's important to note is that during storms, much takes place. The relentless barrage of it may seem unbearable at first, but that's where faith is so important. When a storm is most intense, it really does a complete and thorough job testing the foundation of anything in its path. What do you find yourself standing on when everything gets blown away mercilessly? Are you confident enough in it to stake your entire life on it? Such is the first step of faith.
Alas, you find peace even amidst the most violent of storms. This is amplified when you continue to walk with Him throughout the whole process. It's surreal. I can't really explain it that well. Almost mystical...but 100% authentic. It just helps to know that your Father is on your side. Yeah.
In other news, I got a random text message this morning from Praise. She asked me if Indiana was a state. I responded "yes" but remained in a profound state of confusion for the next hour. Oh, and I don't know anymore whether or not they got my surprise gift for Glorie/everyone. Oh snapz. That might be a problem. *sigh*
Also, all of Central Florida has a pretty talented group of young folk. I just finished watching pinktux's youtube vid of their tiniklin performance almost a month ago (tiniklin is a filipino dance that I don't feel like explaining right now). They did a really great job. Like tremendously great. It was amazing. That's three compliments in a row! It must've been something for me to be so generous. It was so good that people in heaven probably started practicing (cause it's going to be a hilarious party once FBCCF shows up and shows everyone how to throw down tiniklin style).
Last, I'm attending group link tomorrow. I'll finally get to meet the poor guys that will share life with me for the next couple of months. Those poor, poor men. It's going to be quite a ride.
Anyway, this posting turned out to be completely random. I think I like it.
Thursday, August 09, 2007
Choosing Love
I've found peace.
"This is the kind of life you've been invited into, the kind of life Christ lived. He suffered everything that came his way so you would know that it could be done, and also know how to do it, step-by-step." 1 Peter 2:21
In this situation with Glorie, the pain is shared by all. Glorie is a tremendous person used to impact many, many people. Everyone has been affected by it. However, no one (absolutely no one) can understand the pain felt by a mother and father. In my opinion, not even Praise can...and she's the sister. I'm not a parent and I have absolutely no idea what it's like to have a parent-child relationship, however, from what I hear, it's quite a surreal feeling. I imagine it's as if the tenderness and care for another person only intensifies and magnifies when it's your child.
With that said, that passion toward the child is what makes the pain sting all the more deeply. It hurts me so much; how much more does it hurt Tita Maricor or Tito Henry?
People aren't perfect. As humans, we are fallable. Even those whom I've placed great admiration and respect will fail me from time to time--and that's ok. In this huge story of Glorie's journey, it has happened such that the entire Santos family has hurt me greatly. Most puzzling is that the fact that I have no idea why they would act the way that they did. From my view, I have done absolutely nothing to warrant such pain. "Why?" was the theme of the day everyday.
So the focus shifted to my response. It was my choice. Would I decide to be vindictive with my pain and forever question the people that significantly helped to ensure that the past 4 years of my life were the among my best ever? Or would I choose the road less traveled even though I wasn't quite sure where that would lead?
Additionally, much affected this conclusion of mine. I thought about the idea of forgiveness and love as a whole. It's quite silly when you think about it. What if one of your best friends stopped being your friend cause you suddenly weren't adequate to meet their social needs. To add spit in your face, they continue hanging out with many of your friends, but they (and all your former friends) abandon you.
Forgiveness would mean calling said best friend and, after hearing the voicemail, telling them that they're still precious to you.
Love would be saving the best hug and warmest smile for them every single time that you cross paths.
The premise is really something else. It's easy to hate; it's extremely difficult to love. There would be nothing wrong with choosing to stay silent to the drunk driver who carelessly and selfishly takes your best friend's life. But it says something incredibly profound when you can hug same said drunk driver and look them dead in the eyes and say "I forgive you."
Personally, my pain is nothing compared to any of those situations (nor, again, the pain felt by any of the Santos family). Yet it's pain nonetheless. But it's something I've chosen to let go of. It wasn't apparent at first. It certainly wasn't natural to come to this decision. But it's the decision where I've found peace. I chose love and found peace. Imagine that.
"This is the kind of life you've been invited into, the kind of life Christ lived. He suffered everything that came his way so you would know that it could be done, and also know how to do it, step-by-step." 1 Peter 2:21
In this situation with Glorie, the pain is shared by all. Glorie is a tremendous person used to impact many, many people. Everyone has been affected by it. However, no one (absolutely no one) can understand the pain felt by a mother and father. In my opinion, not even Praise can...and she's the sister. I'm not a parent and I have absolutely no idea what it's like to have a parent-child relationship, however, from what I hear, it's quite a surreal feeling. I imagine it's as if the tenderness and care for another person only intensifies and magnifies when it's your child.
With that said, that passion toward the child is what makes the pain sting all the more deeply. It hurts me so much; how much more does it hurt Tita Maricor or Tito Henry?
People aren't perfect. As humans, we are fallable. Even those whom I've placed great admiration and respect will fail me from time to time--and that's ok. In this huge story of Glorie's journey, it has happened such that the entire Santos family has hurt me greatly. Most puzzling is that the fact that I have no idea why they would act the way that they did. From my view, I have done absolutely nothing to warrant such pain. "Why?" was the theme of the day everyday.
So the focus shifted to my response. It was my choice. Would I decide to be vindictive with my pain and forever question the people that significantly helped to ensure that the past 4 years of my life were the among my best ever? Or would I choose the road less traveled even though I wasn't quite sure where that would lead?
Additionally, much affected this conclusion of mine. I thought about the idea of forgiveness and love as a whole. It's quite silly when you think about it. What if one of your best friends stopped being your friend cause you suddenly weren't adequate to meet their social needs. To add spit in your face, they continue hanging out with many of your friends, but they (and all your former friends) abandon you.
Forgiveness would mean calling said best friend and, after hearing the voicemail, telling them that they're still precious to you.
Love would be saving the best hug and warmest smile for them every single time that you cross paths.
The premise is really something else. It's easy to hate; it's extremely difficult to love. There would be nothing wrong with choosing to stay silent to the drunk driver who carelessly and selfishly takes your best friend's life. But it says something incredibly profound when you can hug same said drunk driver and look them dead in the eyes and say "I forgive you."
Personally, my pain is nothing compared to any of those situations (nor, again, the pain felt by any of the Santos family). Yet it's pain nonetheless. But it's something I've chosen to let go of. It wasn't apparent at first. It certainly wasn't natural to come to this decision. But it's the decision where I've found peace. I chose love and found peace. Imagine that.
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
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