growing...pains

One of the great things about being a believer is that God will ALWAYS answer your prayer to stay humble.

This is a virtual daily prayer of mine. Specifically, I ask Him to reveal the impure parts of my heart so that I may further develop my character. And sometimes it sucks when that prayer gets answered.

Lately I've been on a very high wavelength in life. Things are really going great. But tonight I was kind of reminded of some other areas of my life that still have a long way to go.

One area I find a lot of frustration in is the whole "love life" thing. I don't really want to settle for just anyone...but when I do find someone that's genuinely awesome, I start getting kind of awkward.

There's a girl at my church that I've always thought was very attractive but never really had any desire to pursue anything. I tried making some conversation tonight.

fail.

Although I don't think I'm hopeless, I realize that maybe I should just focus on developing me really. And the girl who really will be worth it for me won't magically just drop in my lap...but maybe, just possibly, she'll be working on her character too.

And our relationship will be infinitely better because of it.

Trajectory

I got to meet with the CEO of Radiant today.

Best quote? "You are smart people who are surrounded by smart people."

Excited for tomorrow.

Talk about wow

I had a chance tonight to see a former Miss America.

This event wasn't a surprise. I wasn't even looking forward to it. In fact, I was kind of skeptical of even going because I didn't want some beauty snob telling a room full of people some cliche life moral that everyone already knew about. I went anyway just hoping to be surprised.

And nights like tonight are part of the reason why I'm very happy that I'm not right all the time.

Kirsten Hanglund is one of the most beautiful people I've ever been around in my whole life. Obviously she quite radiant from a physical standpoint. But you want to talk about spiritually smokin'? This girl was straight up FIYAH!

She spent a large part of her time talking to all the students about eating disorders and the various ways it can manifest itself into all people. Then she shared how it has been (and continues to be to an extent) a very big struggle for her personally as well. There were the typical valleys and peaks that life stories usually take and hers was no different.

But, what I found incredibly impressive was how much of her faith she shared. It was quite evident that she had been through a lot. Yet in transparency she continued to share just how much she found herself leaning toward God every single day of her life. And she was always quick to point to the fact that she needs so much grace every single day of her life. And all of it was real. None of it came in a rehearsed, scripted sort of fashion. Just straight up person being real. Beauty.

And then she started quoting scripture. And let's just say it was pretty obvious she was a bible reading woman. Magnifique.

In the end, I was so enchanted with her beauty. Not because I thought she was some trophy wife that I wanted to show off...but because it really is true that there's nothing quite as attractive as a woman who is 100% secure in Christ. It kind of rekindled my hope that someday I'll be able to find a girl who takes this following Jesus thing seriously in much the same way I do.

Who knows...maybe I'll even find myself dating a Miss America.

nothing really profound to say

It's been a rather boring[?] weekend for me.

Worked on friday and went to a birthday party for my dearest cousin-in-law.
Had a 7:30 AM tennis match saturday (yes...I know).
Watched USA crumble against Ghana.
Tried to watch Toy Story 3 with Ethan but he was insistant on taking a nap instead.
Ate at O'Charley's with the fam.
Signed Jessica's cast.
Served middle schoolers at Buckhead church.
Lights didn't catch on fire.
Went home, ate lunch, packed clothes and went back to BC.
Served at 6:00 service doing some fine camera work.
Saw Karina after service and decided to give her a back stage tour of BC. It was glorious.
Saw Dani and established that we've been partners in production for almost 3 years now. Crazy!
Rafa joined the circle of awesome and the place almost blew up.
Prodigal brother = "I don't deserve this." | Older brother = "I deserve more." Deepness.
Played another tennis match 8 pm.
Never been more happy for a shower.
I'm just really thankful all around.


God, now that things are looking more "up" for me, I hope You know that I love it. But, help me to cling to You just as desperately as when I was in my "valley." And give me the maturity to understand that in both places there is growth and peace to be found. Amen.

life keeps blurring

I have a commitment literally every night of the week.

I need space.

Focus[ing]

One great benefit of going through a lot of the "downs" I did for the end part of last year are the observations that I've been able to make. One of these is the concept of perspective.

For awhile, I had much contempt toward my situation at starbucks. Rather, it was a perpetual grudge.

But something changed.

Eventually I realized that my hope was placed in the wrong thing. For even if I acquired the "perfect job" what will I have gained? That realization was paramount. What it ended up doing was breaking down for me that one of the keys to life is not the circumstance you are under, but the approach and resolve with which one acts with life. That is, to have your focus placed on something (or Someone) that will not change regardless of circumstance.

For me, it began a really deep growth phase in my personal faith. And, fast forwarding, it helped me to become a greater person of character as a result.

Someday, I think I'll be sharing this concept with a lot of people. Maybe.

What lies beneath

It's something everyone knows, but doesn't pay attention to.

There's greater danger present than what one may first perceive. This has been an important lesson for me because it reinforces the principle that I must continue to be aware that there's always more at stake than what seems obvious.

This occurred again yesterday. I went to go play flag football with some compadres. Said hombres I have a connection with due to my friendship with one Miss K. Sure enough, when I go to the game yesterday good ol' porcupine was right there. I'm unsure why she was there (maybe to support the guys?) but it surfaced again this tension between us. Not a word was exchanged between us.

Anyway, this simply goes to show that there's still so much inside of me that needs reform. For with all the maturing I have gone through the past several months, there's an extremely high amount of pride when it comes to certain aspects of my life. Yesterday, I desired very much to sit down on the grass next to Kristy and just talk with her and catch up on her life. But, it's so important to me to really rub it in that if she "just wants space" then I'm going to give her all the bloody space she can handle. It's coming at the expense of the relationship, but it's what she wants.

The problem is, I am in no way demonstrating any kind of love toward Kristy. My whole "this is what you get for acting this way" mentality does nothing to benefit me or her. Some council of mine will point out that a hard line stance like this is necessary due to the nature of the relationship, but ehh.

This I do know, no one wins when the tension remains. One person has to humble themselves to take steps to restore the friendship. I just feel like maybe I want the friendship too much and she doesn't want it at all.

all I have to say is

OMG!

realignment

There's a linear correlation between my desire to get things done and my mental wellness.

That is, the more I get things done the more at peace I am. But, I get drawn out when I want to get things done but don't. I have many ideas that need journaling but have yet to.

Hopefully today is the first small step.

dual edged swords

A very trusted council of mine recently told me that one of my biggest strengths has the potential to be my biggest weakness.

This surfaced today. I discovered that my cousin reentered critical condition. More complications. More stuff running through my head about things I can't fix.

Then Terri asked me whether or not I'd rejoin the team for summer season. I would enjoy it very much, but know that it wouldn't be a healthy decision. I communicated that to her with which my response was a quaint "ok." Don't want to read too much into it, but it seems like she was holding out hope for an outcome she knew was highly unlikely. Or maybe not?

So, this leads me to the whole search for catharsis in the first place. What this ended up triggering was a real intense desire for justice. I'm unwilling to join the team cause good ol' porcupine will be there. And frankly, it doesn't seem that desirable to go through another 2 months of awkward turtle.

I spent a pretty decent amount of time thinking and rethinking of whatever I could do to fix the situation but I think at this point I'm just wasting my time. She's not the type to stay idle; if she wants something she pursues it. It's likely that. although at one point in time we may have had authentic closeness, it clearly isn't the case any more. Regardless of whatever has transpired to gradually regress us to this point, the ugliness is that we aren't anything. Not even friends.

If she wanted it to be different, I think she'd try to fix it. But why would she? She has her new boy toy now and life is just dandy for her. What does she need me for?

Only thing is, after all my analytics, I think I'm the one who feels sorry for her. It doesn't come from an arrogant "I'm better than you" state of mind either. And I really don't think it's cause I'm the least bit jaded because I'm not getting what I want. But it's a sincere, "I wish better things for your life." Her current direction will result in only two outcomes. One day she will realize exactly how rich of a resource she had with me and will lament ever releasing it or her current season of happiness will dwindle at some point (in addition to the inevitable relationship problems that will come from her new bff) and she'll want me to bounce ideas off of. The current bff will fade until another one falls into place. Then rinse and repeat into a cycle of never quite there-ness. I won't be part of the picture either way.

Who knows...perhaps her life will just continue to be 100% awesome without me. She'll get married and live happily ever after. But even in that reality, there would still be shortfall in that a very good friend in me is lost. Or, if I wasn't a good friend to begin with, it would falsify everything she told me she enjoyed so much about me to begin with. Although now that I write that out, it doesn't seem like such a farfetched possibility.

I finally got some peace again when I realized I'm thinking of things too much. I think a big reason why I'm so bothered by this is that I'm seeking repudiation from her entirely. I'm so unwilling to let go of the fact that she was so fake to me. But, as I thought that out, that's a fred problem and not a porcupine problem. If she has wronged me and isn't remorseful about it, that's God's prerogative to deal with it on His terms. But if I have a problem with it going "unnoticed" then it's more a refletion of me not forgiving her entirely. I'm still waiting on something...

Which, thankfully, is something that I can work on. Forgiveness is just as much for me as it is for her. Because I'm starting to believe all of that Christian stuff about living a life that isn't centered on me anymore. Here, I just want to get to a point where I can see Kristy physically and just be thankful to see her (even if she isn't thankful to see me). I'm still working on it, but I believe I can get there. I just get so bogged down with all the pretense. It'd be so much easier if she could just admit she'd rather pretend like she didn't do anything wrong to me then try to play both sides and spin everything like it's my fault for our non-relationship.

But whatever. For now I think I'll continue the path I've been going. Disengaging and relinquishing a relationship doesn't mean that you stopped caring about that person. But, in this relationship, Kristy has to start caring more about our relationship if it's ever to be healed.

If she want's it healed.

[good] friday night thoughts

Really interesting service this evening at Buckhead Church.

I decided to go by myself. This isn't really that new but it was a good change up for me because I'd be ATTENDING church and not volunteering (like I will be on easter). The place was straight up packed and it was great.

I ended up sitting near a lady who had also come by herself. She kind of had the same look on herself that I must have; we both didn't really know what to expect but knew God would show up big. It's too bad we didn't come with a friend.

Anywho, the night started with some really strong bass. I'm talking shake your bones bass. This was accompanied with crazy lights (the lighting is always so dramatic at BC) and was immediately followed by a video. Then it was kind of weird. The format became video-song-video for a good 20 mins. Jeff Henderson spoke a pretty good message (it was of the standard Christ humbled himself flavor) then more music and video.

Now, the reason any of this is noteworthy is because what happened later in the evening. Firstly, I actually didn't participate in communion this evening. It just didn't feel right. Secondly, there was a strange lack of focus for me. When we started singing about the Cross and all of these wonderful things about the Cross, I couldn't help but notice that the guy next to me kept looking at his watch for the time.

I wanted to punch him in the face.

If he were in such a hurry he could've just not come. Or, if he had somewhere to be then he could've left early. But, why in the world would he keep looking at the time when we're all singing to God? Then I realized that it's precisely for people like him that Jesus did die. Then a quick glance to my left was the aforementioned woman. Hands fully in the air with tears streaming down her face while we sang "Jesus paid it all."

Irony at it's finest.
God's hilarious.
He personifies juxtaposition.

because it affects other people

What's really wonderful about the various relationships that form in life is the web that it creates.

This person knows that person. That person knows another person. Eventually everyone is connected. There are companies that make a huge profit on this principle. There are people that get jobs because of this principle. There are marriages that occur because of this principle. Et cetera.

However, when relationships go awry, things get different. The nice happy circle transforms into arrays of awkwardness that no one really likes experiencing. It's tragic really.

I'm currently in the middle of one of these. And it sucks. There's a lot of he said/she said but in the end what does it matter? People take sides. Conclusions are made based on misinformation. And in the end relationships get destroyed.

So, I say all of this simply to say that I wish it were easier to be "independent." That is, I wish I didn't care so much about looking foolish if that's what it took to say "you're important to me. Even though things are kinda different, I hope you know I'm not." Something along those lines.

But stuff doesn't always go the way I hope. But I guess I'm learning to take it in doses.

snowy mondays

Strange.

Sunny saturday.
Soggy sunday.
Mellow monday (due to sleet/snow/wintery mix).

Current thought-- what would my life look like if I really were confident that God is aware of the circumstances in my life?

rainy sundays

Sometimes the rain creates a necessary slow period in our lives.

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE the springtime. Well, I don't love Atlanta's obscene pollen counts (2000+ per cubic inch is just hellish frankly), but otherwise I generally regard sunshine as a good thing. But the rain helps make space. It forces people to go indoors and make adjustments to their plans. In my case, I've found time to write.

I've been thinking a lot lately (a new thought I know). And one particular thing I've found to be true about me is the fact that I cannot stand when someone has a false impression of me. That is, if they believe something to be true about me that is absolutely UNtrue about me. I feel a very bizarre urge to prove myself to everyone. To kind of say "HEY! I AM NOT LIKE THIS AT ALL."

Ironically, I make it a very good habit to keep very close friendships with people who are precisely the opposite. Many close friends of mine have pretty thorough disregard for what people perceive their identity to be. It's a very healthy "I don't care" as well. They walk with a supreme confidence in them. Never with an arrogance of I think I'm better than you so F-off; but rather... "I love who God made me to be and I'm not too proud to admit that I'm still a work in progress." Even my friends who don't follow Jesus still have this about them. They kind of stick to their original wiring of "who says I can't think [x] is cool? And if I'm the only one who thinks that then so be it."

For me, I have a very annoying tendency to figure out why someone doesn't view things the same way as me. So, if someone thinks I'm a liar for example, I must discover what would cause them to believe something like that about me. If I can figure it out, I can try to educate in order to eliminate any misunderstanding/false opinions.


But I'm learning that life isn't always that linear or neat.


Part of what I've been able to learn lately is that any time there is criticism/feedback about me, it is ALWAYS an opportunity for growth. Regardless of whatever assertion is made (whether from ungrounded hearsay or from well-researched expert opinions), there is a development opportunity. The way this has been able to play itself out for me is that I've started to ask a different question. It has grown from "why would this person think [x] about me?" to "what kind of reputation is my life garnering?"

It's subtle. It's very small. But it's a perspective shift that's so significant that it's blown me away. Because in those small moments the focus changes from simply trying to deflect potential embarrassment to instead living a life with nothing to be ashamed of. Or, in other words, it goes from trying to maintain an image to surrendering image maintenance altogether. This holistic approach seems to have great potential for satisfaction. In fact it's the central tenet of Christianity.

Too bad it's taken me so long to just get my head around the concept -_-

Friday Night Thoughts

well I'm alive.

And still in pre-spring cleaning.

Saturday Morning Thoughts

Had a chance to finally catch up with Myriam yesterday.

It turns out that I need some personal spring cleaning.

Joy.

finding time to write more

One of the things I was kind of surprised with was who greeted me for my bday.

Lee was the first one (at a stunning 230 AM text message. I was sleeping but her thing woke me up and I didn't mind. I'm not sure whether or not it was planned or anything but I was quite honored that she would remember me. It wasn't anything special either just kind of a thing.

Then the slew of text messages and facebook postings followed. It's quite a warm feeling knowing that your life is meaningful to other people. I responded to everyone who texted me and eventually got back on fb just to respond to everyone on there too.

Then there was the one and only Ms. Porcupine [KT]. I knew heading into my bday that it would be unwise for me to expect anything one way or another so I was real guarded not to get my hopes up for anything. The weekend came and went and I didn't receive a text or phone call from her. Nor did I get a fb message. So, the last logical thing was to perhaps see if she would pay me back with my own medicine by leaving something for me at my house.

Nope.

I wasn't mad or offended or anything that she didn't so much as greet me...but it did kind of confirm that I, in all likelihood, don't mean a thing to her. It's quite likely that she's "moved on" from me...but what does that even mean in the first place? If we were never in a relationship, then she would have nothing to move on from. But, if we were good friends as our story is supposed to have gone, isn't it reasonable to believe that she would've done something?

I keep wanting to give her the benefit of the doubt (maybe she was busy? perhaps she had a special gift and wanted to give it to me in person?), but kind of gets me down. I don't mind living with the reality of knowing that she means more to me than I do to her...but it'd be nice to mean something to her. Even a little text message would have been great. But, when something isn't important to someone, it tends to get pushed to the side; and I guess that's my new home in her life.

Presents wise I did score a new camera! I even showed Praise to her grand content. I didn't really get anything from anyone else (Sam got me my favorite trident) but I'm still pretty content. The old mantra goes "the best things in life are free" and I can honestly say that's true with me this year. It would be nice to have new clothes and new shoes (and maybe even a brand new Babolat Pure Drive GT) but even more meaningful than that are the hand-written cards from Ms. Fortich. As well as the voicemail of Tita Christy and Lola Rochelle singing happy birthday to me via voicemail.

When you treasure that which satisfies, the delight is that much more intense.

finding time to write

Where to start?

I celebrated my birthday in Florida with my family. It was pretty nice. Originally I was planning on throwing a party and inviting a bunch of people (I haven't done this in so long), but chose not to this year (again). Same reason as before--why draw attention to myself? So, I just took Ethan and Jessica to Disney. 'Twas grand.

We ended up staying at AKL. I always heard about how awesome the place was but got scared by how much the rooms were. After staying there for a weekend, I think that the prices of the lodge can be justified once in a lifetime. There's just something special about waking up with a giraffe in your backyard. It's awesome.

Unfortunately it rained the full day we stayed. Friday was gorgeous. Sunday was beautiful. Saturday wasn't meant to be. So goes my life. Jessica and my parents were pretty tired by the middle of the day and I was tired of being the only one with energy. The next time I take a trip I'm definitely taking a friend. I did get to try out the new Toy Story ride though. That place was amazing. And I felt awesome because I broke 6 digits my first time on the ride.

I saw Myriam and the Santos while I was down there. Myriam has a lot of skill conversing with young people. As does Praise. I learned that conversing with a 4 year old doesn't mean dumbing down your vocabulary. But, the richest conversations with kids stem from having a genuine interest in what they have to say without expectations...just like one should with any other person. The trick is viewing them as just another person instead of as just a kid. What a thought.

I'll write more tomorrow. I'm sleepy.

ogred

I guess you get what you ask for.

Very weird day today. I've been getting blacklisted like crazy but whatever. The weekend will come soon enough and sunny florida should provide much excitement.

Huzzah!

not again

I would give $100 to be able to turn into an ogre.


That way I could just repel everyone and have alone time.