Friday Afternoon Thoughts

I had the most surreal of dreams yesterday night.

I'm not quite sure how the beginning of it came to be, but eventually I found myself at Glorie's house again. I took a step inside and was just inside her house. Then I saw Praise. She was as pleasantly surprised to see me as I was to see her. We shared a long hug and both started to cry. It was one of those moments where you just know what the other person wanted to say even though nothing is said. I said "I love you. I miss you so much." Then we both just kept crying. Then I woke up.

I don't really know what to make of my dreams. Often times my dreams are so lucid that I end up losing sleep. This one was incredibly real. But I'm not sure what to make of it.

For all I know I could be a long forgotten whisper in Praise's world. Or, equally likely, she could be missing me just as much as I miss her. Surely her parents gave her the same set of restrictions that mine gave me. Something along the lines of it being best not to contact the other person cause it's what they want.

But I want to talk with Praise. I want to hear about her various laurels she has received even one singular semester into her collegiate career. Ideally, we'd share it over ice cream.

Yet we don't have those conversations...which is why waking up this morning was rather bittersweet.

I remain hopeful that perhaps one day I'll be able to speak with Praise AND Glorie again. For now, I suppose I can only accept the fact that I'm simply not allowed to. If there's anything the past 6 months have showed me it's that no matter how much you love someone, it's their choice to love you back. Life was grand when everyone was loving everyone with no dissension at all.

On the contrary, it's MUCH more difficult to love when it's a one-way street. That is, it's easy to love someone when they're lavishing gifts on you and constantly telling you wonderful things. Yet when you choose to love the same person, despite how badly they have hurt you, that's the kind of love that is truly worth cherishing. It's precisely that love that is never glamorized but ridiculously hard to find.


So, just to be real, with all of that said, here it is.

I miss you. All of you. Ridiculously. Sometimes I wish I could just be assured that I'm missed too.

But I don't have that assurance. And that's ok. I ain't mad at 'cha.

If he's that memorizing and captivating then so be it. If 4 years of blissful accord can be forgotten so easily then so be it.

As for me, I refuse to value you as anything less than a treasure in my life. And that valuation still remains despite the recent events. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is,

I love you.