Thus far

I have observed the following:

- If there comes a time in the future when one can be certified unversed, I will be the standard with which such a certification will be crafted against. The more and more I journey through life, the more and more I realize how truly little i know of it.

- Prof. Brown posited a question to the entire class today. Why is it that currently banking institution x is willing to refinance a prospective buyer who has overextended themselves in the first place (by buying a house that they can't afford) at an extremely low rate yet when another buyer, who is not in debt at all, is unable to get the same rate? That is, why are banks bending over backwards for people in debt yet being stringent to those who aren't? This goes to show why the mortgage industry is in such a mess.

- This is how you know God is awesome. When God gave the Ten Commandments, He made it such that one of them was to take one day off to rest. Huzzah!

- If McCain winning FL means he is likely to be the GOP candidate, then I foresee a very weak race this fall.

- Why don't we help each other out more?



Odd. I know.

Agua de castano

I was walking down the street when it caught my eye.

Water was quickly streaming down the street. I approached yet observed all the while.

As I neared the source I saw that the water was not well. Sediments of every imagination were clearly apparent in the substance.

Then, as I hop-scotched my way to General Classroom Building, I thought:


"There's sewer water spewing onto the street."




fin.

1:23 A.M.

It's so frustrating.
Everything...literally everything reminds me of her.
I hung out with Mike and Case today. They talked about planning another trip like the ski trip. The ski trip was one of my favorite memories of us; as it was for her.
I saw Cloverfield. Obviously every cheesy love story will remind me of her.
I went to Mar and Mandy's house today. Matt and Kelvin were there. I remember so clearly when we all ate at house of blues to celebrate her birthday.

I wonder what she's doing right now.
I wonder what she's dreaming about.
I wonder what's going on in her life.
Does she remember the movement she's a part of? Does she recall the God she's dedicated her life to? Does she remember casting vision for the potential in my life just as I did her? Does she recollect the vision she had for her group? Does she remember how brightly she shines? Does she consider how her life is impacting others? Does she remember her life at all?
I only want to encourage her.
I want to spur her memory and remind her of how strong she was and still is.
I want to challenge her to become the beautiful woman that she was on track to becoming.
I want to show her, in my own creative way, that I haven't stopped praying/supporting her.
I want her to know that she has much life to live.
I want her to know that she has many lives to impact.
I want to pray with her.
I want to tell her how much she's [still] cared for by me and my family.
I want to tell her that she's loved very, very dearly.

But I can't.
And it's ridiculous that I can't.
I was told to yield because it was "their time."
Yet it's no longer their time.
They aren't even an item.
So what's the hold up?
Why would they continue to filter me out of her life?

Have I not shown myself to be faithful to her ever since the beginning?
Have I not prayed just as hard as any single person involved in this situation for her life?
Have I not proved myself to likewise desire what's best for Glorie?
Is it that farfetched to believe that I could be a catalyst for Glorie's recovery?
Am I not among the few who truly know her on a profound level?
Does that not count?







I miss you Glorie.

You're so important to me.

Friday Night Thoughts

There has been something of a theme the past couple of days for me.

Every monday and wednesday, during my 40 minute journey to school, I listen to the podcast of my church. Monday, Andy was talking through this series dubbed, "The Sinai Code." He started to walk us through the ten commandments.

It got me thinking about the premise of the Ten Commandments. You see, a lot of people I've talked with sort of despise those ten things. It doesn't really stem from an issue with rules like "do not murder" because, well, murder is just universally bad. Rather, the issue comes from the simple fact that the Ten Commandments, in one way or another, have equated to the icon of Christian rules and regulations. In other words, because the Ten Commandments exist, Christianity must be a big list of "do this" and "don't do that."

Little did I know that I would soon be thinking about "Christian Rules" for the rest of the week.

Tuesday I was with a group that gets together to try and understand how to read the bible better. Before long we were sharing about what we thought about the Old Testament. I shared how the Old Testament was never relevant to me until this past year. I had the misconception that the O.T. was nothing more than Leviticus repeated over and over again with the occasional interesting story sprinkled here and there. Oh and if you don't know what Leviticus is it's a book of the bible that will make you question why anyone would want to be a Christian in the first place. It's also fabulous bedtime reading.

Anywho, after I finished talking, Lisa, a woman sitting with me in the group, responded immediately by saying "I love leviticus. I think it's very rich once you understand more about God." I never thought I would hear the words love and leviticus in the same sentence in my entire life and yet I just did. I sat befuddled and decided to just be quaint the rest of the night.

Then the book I'm reading talked about "Christian boundary markers." Clearly a message was trying to be sent to me.

So, after being able to soak it in for the past few days, I've made many observations. Among them, I have found the following to be the most noteworthy:

- The Christian Faith isn't about do this and don't do that. Rather, the focus of the Faith has always been [and will always be] about a relationship between us and God.

- If Christianity were about following rules, then logically speaking, someone could be good enough to enter heaven. But that's not the case. If you search the entire bible, you will never find the word heaven written in the same context of any "rule" written in the bible.

- On the other hand, "rules" do serve a purpose in a Saint's life. They're not boundaries in the same way barbed wire serve as restrictions to a prisoner. Instead, they moreso resemble a path in a grassy field or jungle. You don't have to follow that path by any means...but often times you realize that when you travel on the journey of life, that path only helps to provide guidance to your destination.

- Once you make the correlation between the two, you can say things like "I love leviticus." Or you can be like David and write brilliant poetry like Psalm 19.

blah

awake
asleep

thinking
thoughtless

inebriated
controlled

smiling
unknown

blessed
thankful

average
humble

remedy
cold

truth
peace
love
joy




me? I'm not. but I know I AM.

Something's amiss

The "funk" I've been in lately has carried over into this week. It's uncool I say.

I don't really know where it is. It's like a bizarre feeling of emptiness that is peculiarly indescribable. There are no major catalysts to drive this force. School and work are both pretty consistent. Nothing extremely extraordinary is disrupting the equation. It's just a big, fat empty hole inside of me that has amassed [seemingly] out of nowhere.

In other news, I think I have found a glimmer of peace in the Glow situation. I have come to the conclusion that I am/was an important person to her/family or I am not/wasn't. If I never was, then all of this would make more sense to me. It would explain why it took a month or so to forget about me. It would also explain why they seem to be so remiss about my welfare. That is, it would give insight as to why it was so easy to do some of the things they did and have disregard for the implications thereof.

However, if I was/am as important to them/her as I believe I was/am, then this situation should be disturbing them just as thoroughly as its disturbing me. The burned bridge may have less priority in their life right now (and rightfully so...considering the situation with Glorie's continued recovery) but it is nonetheless a very significant issue in their lives.

The reason why this brings some peace to me is that it provides an inkling of closure. If the situation is the former, then it everything wouldn't be so disturbing for me anymore. I would have greater understanding as to why they made some of the decisions that they made. If it's the latter, then it's only a matter of time when Glow and I will be reunited.

It seems unlikely that there is a 3rd possibility. For that to be true it would mean that I had great importance then had little importance (or vice-versa). If I went from great to little, it still wouldn't explain why I was forgotten about so quickly. Surely it would be reasonable to believe this to be the case after a year or so perhaps, but for everything to deteriorate within a matter of weeks [as they did] is simply unbelievable.

If I went from little to great, then it would imply that the first few years of our relationship were unimportant to begin with. It would then imply that I gained the most significance right when the fallout started to happen. This doesn't make any sense at all as, instinctively, humans secure most tightly what is of greatest importance to them. This particular circumstance seems least likely to me of all possibilities.

Regardless of how it all turns out, I suppose it's only a matter of time now before truth is finally revealed. If they are just now able to see what has happened as a result of all this, I can only place my faith in the One who changes hearts. After all, He is the one who melted the stony walls around my heart even when I was ignorant of what I did. If the truth ends up being that I was nothing more than a forgotten memory, then at the very least I would start having answers. And, as a result, I wouldn't have to cry so much anymore.

Alas, until I can gain more clarity regarding this, I remain steady. I will continue to pray (as I have been ever since I got that letter) that truth would be revealed [especially to me]. I can't afford not to be humble in this situation. There's too big a lesson to be learned from this. It is my hope, therefore, that when I can finally show this situation as a scar (and not a scab), that the experience gained would be rich and worth sharing.

01/21/08

"Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illuminates it." - Martin Luther King Jr.


wow.

Feelin' Funky

This past week has been a bad one for me. The thing is, I don't really know what is the cause of it. There's nothing particularly significant going on. School has been consistently school like. The only thing that's been extraordinary has been all the snow that we've been getting; the snow has been a good thing though so yeah.

My dad is now officially half a century old. That's impressive. He said he felt old. I then thought about if I would ever make it to that age. I got scared. I stopped pondering that possibility.

Ethan spent the weekend at the house. He's quite talkative. He's also curious about everything. I envy him so.

Everyone seems to be doing well except me. But I don't know why I'm not doing well. Thinking about Jesus helps a little bit. Thinking about talking with her again doesn't help as much as it used to.

It's strange. A really depressing strange. Maybe it's just a bad week. Hopefully it's just a bad week. That would make me happy; bad weeks are ok...aren't they?

I wonder if Jesus had bad weeks...

Friday Night Thoughts

Fred = :-(

oh snapz!

look what was awaiting me at home:






HUZZAH!

For realz?!

If you squint really hard at the poorly captured picture, you can almost see snowflakes! Snow in Georgia = fred is d(^_^)b


To celebrate this festive moment in history, here are some additional related pics that have likewise inspired celebration.

Okay I hear you now

I'm not a believer in coincidence. I simply don't think it exists. Recently, however, I couldn't help but notice an underlying theme in some things in my life.

It started on Monday. Finished with class and unwilling to partake in the delightful bliss of Atlanta traffic, I stopped by the BCM (that's Baptist Collegiate Ministry to all you uninformed). It's always interesting to meet people in the BCM house. I ended up meeting with a long lost friend--Cheryl. We caught up briefly and ultimately walked away knowing that we had much to catch up on with each other's lives.

In any case, the best part about Monday was my discussion with a gentleman named Sam. Initially, Sam gave me the impression as one of those high energy people that make me uncomfortable. He had so much energy that I basically wanted to ask him to turn it down a couple of levels. But he did...without me a asking. It was a blessing.

We ended up engaging in conversation when things took a turn for the deep end. He shared his feelings about what he likes about the church and what he doesn't. Why he felt many had misconceptions about Christianity and why he wants to change that. Why he loves Jesus so much and why he wanted to share that. The most captivating thing though was that he shared how much needed to be done by the church (that's us) in regards to regular people.

You see, in Sam's opinion, it has become trendy to be compassionate. Going to Africa to help fight aids is cool now. Going to latin America to help build some shelter is chic in modern culture. Plenty of people (Christ-centered or not) are doing it. However, what about the people here? That is, does someone have to be near death and drinking bacteria filled water just to receive compassion?

The burden most intense to Sam are the people that are just plain awkward. The people that you meet that are just a little off. They come off as extremely shy and act kind of quirky. To Sam, Jesus loves them so much.

I walked away smiling at Sam's compassion.


This morning, while reading my book, I read about a woman named Mable. She had a very tragic story. In sum, cancer was a major player in her 25 year residence at the hospital. However, when the author's friend visited Mable, something miraculous happened. Mable was the most joyful person that they had ever met. So, despite Mable's [sad] condition and the friend's [normal] one, Mable was actually the one who was taking care of him. As I read, the pages were filled with stories about how Mable would give a flower or offer some candy to her fellow hospitalized patients. Mable memorized much of the bible and would often finish sentences whenever being read to. It was impressive.


As I reflected today, I realized something very simple. Mable is one incredibly beautiful person. Nevermind the fact that she's 85. Forget the fact that her cancer has formed welts on her face such that her mouth is deformed and she's perpetually drooling.

Mable is beautiful.

That awkward guy that Sam loves meeting? Beautiful.

All the little kids that are on the make-a-wish list? Beautiful.


Here's the caveat...

Osama Bin Laden? Beautiful.

That person who killed your brother cause they chose to drink and drive? Gorgeous.

The unfaithful person who decided to stab you in the back? Stunning.



The parallel is that when you see people for who they are on the inside, you realize that they are nothing short of breathtaking. You realize that there's a genuine reflection of God inside of every single person. They may be as saintly as Mother Teresa or as vile as Hitler. When you strip it all down, we are all equally in need of Jesus.

The things people do are certainly disgusting. Pain is real. When you endure that pain SOLELY because it's the ramification of someone else's decision, the pain is amplified. And it sucks. But then you realize that that's precisely what happened to Christ.

and that's the difference.

Friday Afternoon Thoughts

I had the most surreal of dreams yesterday night.

I'm not quite sure how the beginning of it came to be, but eventually I found myself at Glorie's house again. I took a step inside and was just inside her house. Then I saw Praise. She was as pleasantly surprised to see me as I was to see her. We shared a long hug and both started to cry. It was one of those moments where you just know what the other person wanted to say even though nothing is said. I said "I love you. I miss you so much." Then we both just kept crying. Then I woke up.

I don't really know what to make of my dreams. Often times my dreams are so lucid that I end up losing sleep. This one was incredibly real. But I'm not sure what to make of it.

For all I know I could be a long forgotten whisper in Praise's world. Or, equally likely, she could be missing me just as much as I miss her. Surely her parents gave her the same set of restrictions that mine gave me. Something along the lines of it being best not to contact the other person cause it's what they want.

But I want to talk with Praise. I want to hear about her various laurels she has received even one singular semester into her collegiate career. Ideally, we'd share it over ice cream.

Yet we don't have those conversations...which is why waking up this morning was rather bittersweet.

I remain hopeful that perhaps one day I'll be able to speak with Praise AND Glorie again. For now, I suppose I can only accept the fact that I'm simply not allowed to. If there's anything the past 6 months have showed me it's that no matter how much you love someone, it's their choice to love you back. Life was grand when everyone was loving everyone with no dissension at all.

On the contrary, it's MUCH more difficult to love when it's a one-way street. That is, it's easy to love someone when they're lavishing gifts on you and constantly telling you wonderful things. Yet when you choose to love the same person, despite how badly they have hurt you, that's the kind of love that is truly worth cherishing. It's precisely that love that is never glamorized but ridiculously hard to find.


So, just to be real, with all of that said, here it is.

I miss you. All of you. Ridiculously. Sometimes I wish I could just be assured that I'm missed too.

But I don't have that assurance. And that's ok. I ain't mad at 'cha.

If he's that memorizing and captivating then so be it. If 4 years of blissful accord can be forgotten so easily then so be it.

As for me, I refuse to value you as anything less than a treasure in my life. And that valuation still remains despite the recent events. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is,

I love you.

Thursday surprises

It was late in the evening and everyone had long left the house. Everyone was well on their way home and I was almost done cleaning up the house. Finally my residence was tidy and the 360 was neatly stowed. The time had come--it was time I open the rest of my Christmas gifts! Yes, I realize that Christmas was over 2 weeks ago but when you're of the great archipelago called Philippines, time is rather general in nature. To be specific would be bizarre. Alas, here were the goods:

- a box of guitar strings for Sasha

- Chocolate covered pecans.

- Cinnamon glazed pecans.

- DCB songbook for "Remedy"

- Blade body spray and shower gel (someone else got me a gilette razor...perhaps people are trying to send me a message?)

- an LED camouflage colored flashlight

- Old Navy long sleeve.



I like opening presents.

And the winner is...

PSYC 3401 - Abnormal Psychology



I know I know. Just when you thought you had me figured out I surprise ya.



Get excited.

An arduous decision

Entering my last semester (hopefully) of college, I find myself with an enjoyable dilemma. Apparently, HOPE will pay for one more class for me despite my only needing 9 more hours to finish. So, I can basically take any class I want for free.

Monday was spent going through the course catalog of potential candidates. Among said candidates, I found the following to be most noteworthy:

- Digital Photography || I always wanted to take a photography class. Pictures can convey (and elicit) such deep thought/meaning. Of course the other incentive for me taking such a class was to always surprise Glorie and show her that she isn't the only person talented with a camera.

- Intro to Theatre 1 || I miss it so much.

- Night Club Management || This seemed alluring for me just cause I think it'd be hilarious if I owned a night club. The most disturbing thing is that that idea is completely feasible.

- Spirituality in America || Ideally I'd like to take another religious studies class. I always heard good things about the Islam class but that one is only offered on Tuesday/Thursday. I want to take this one but Dr. White's classes always require a lot of reading. Reading + last semester = fred's not going to read at all.

- Beverage Management || This is basically a wine tasting class. The only caveat is that I'm not really a huge fan of wine. Add to that the fact that the professor doesn't really have good ratings. Plus you have to pay $50 just to register.


I'm still not sure what I should pick. Perhaps I should just stick with my slack 3 classes and make friends with some homeless people in between classes. Decisions decisions...

Friday Night Thoughts (Filipino Time)

Every other friday I attend a small group bible study with all the old people from my church. In the past, I have not always been too high on this group. In the past, I've secretly been critical of the way the bible study has been run. Some things just weren't good enough for me. We would never start/end on time. There would be a lack of focus. The absence of a clear cut leader bothered me. The list goes on.

Last night was no different. On my way to the bible study I was pessimistic about the how well the group would go this year. The group made new aspirations to make '08 be a year of difference and yet I heard that line too many times before. I simply wasn't a believer.

Much to my delight, yesterday night turned out to be wildly different than what I initially expected. Instead of the same old song and dance, the group was focused and excited to learn about Christ. So much so, in fact, that the love for the Lord was contagious in the room. It was something I had never experienced in that setting before.

While driving home, I reflected upon the night. I remembered why I had set my expectations so low but couldn't quite figure out why the night turned out so well. Then, almost instantly, I realized what happened; I underestimated God.

It's truly wonderful to consider how much God honors faith. Before the new year, everyone in our group was driven to be more committed in growing in Him. Sure enough, God smiled at our determination. The rest was His(tory).

Mind Wanderer

There's nothing particularly noteworthy in my life right now. In no particular order, I have found the following swimming in my brain:

- I wonder if Politically Jenn is back from her trip.

- I hope I graduate this semester.

- I wonder what Glorie is doing right now.

- The Kingdom was more interesting than I thought.

- What if people took politics seriously...imagine the change.

- What if people took God seriously...imagine the CHANGE.

- Why don't I always take God seriously?

- I wonder if my car will be iced again tomorrow morning.

- I hope my mom feels better.



Guess that's it for now.

Missing Passion

It was a year ago but the memories are still fresh.

I was STILL jetlagged from the Philippines.
I was barely getting 5 hours of sleep per night.
I was still getting accustomed to the fact that winter means cold weather.

Yet I was so happy. Passion was in full swing and I was with my Florida family.




Everything still reminds me of Glorie.

New Beginnings

I bid adieu to thee 2007. I had no idea how intense the roller coaster ride was going to be but alas I survived nonetheless. Thou has brought me extreme pain and joy and have left me equally impacted as a result. Nevertheless, I couldn't be any happier turning a new page.

By the grace of God, I hope to accomplish the following this year:

- Pray more. Specifically, I want to be more focused in praying for other people.

- Love more. That is, my desire is to view people as they truly are (and not how they appear to be).

- Give more. Money, time, ears, hugs, counsel, whatever.

- Be a remedy. I am determined to get to know one of the homeless people this semester at State.

- Cast vision. Hopefully this year I will be able to live up to the leadership roles that God has placed me in.

- Be grateful. This year I am planning on dedicating the last thursday of EVERY month focusing on what I should be grateful for. Whose idea was it to wait until November anyway?

- Read my bible more. The fact that this one is listed seventh shows why I need to work hard on this one.

- Be a better guitar player. Sasha and Peter have such untapped potential. Music is so hard.

- Start my dream of being an amateur film maker. Video has such raw power for conveying messages. I hope to use it for His glory.

- Develop rich friendships. That is, I hope to go deeper with all my current ones, take pleasure in all my new ones, and reconcile all the broken ones (ESPECIALLY them).



Happy 2008.