Saturday, November 29, 2008

Friday Night Thoughts

I've had over a day to sit and kind of marinade with everything.

It originally began about two weeks ago. She was noticeably guarded when she talked about everything. The conclusion was easy to draw: either she didn't trust me with the simplest of information or she was intentionally denying me information. Either way it marked a difference in the relationship.

I started to think, though, why Kat Kat wouldn't tell me about anything. It's not that she is obligated to by any means. No...I'm not required an explanation or a notice. However, I feel personally betrayed because my trust in her was such that I thought she would be one that was extremely loyal to me. Id est, I always believed that she would be one of the ones looking out for my best interest.

Naturally I sent Kat Kat a text message. It was semi inquisitive and semi taking a shot at her (basically very cynical tone all the way around). The response was that she was never sure that she was going anyway and that it was kind of a last minute thing. Fast forward two weeks and the exact same scenario occurs. Same text message gets sent but now the response was more along the lines of "well I didn't think I needed to tell you and we were just planning on it but never sure."

The reason this whole ordeal has been upsetting to me is because it gives insight to what could be a very tragic situation. My intent, both times, was simply to be able to pass something along to Glorieanne in a very personal way. After all, I'm in the business of relationship building here and this is one that is of particular importance to me. Therefore, every single chance I have to improve upon the situation is an opportunity that I will not hesitate to pursue.

All of this said, I am in full realization that the world doesn't revolve around me. Kat Kat is in no way my own personal mail carrier. Nor is she my personal arbitrator between Glorie and me. She very much lives her own life that is 100% independent of mine.

However, she does know just how special Glorie is to me. And she would know completely joyful I would be if there were but a message I could pass along to Glow via Kat Kat. And, being one of my better friends and (much more) a sister Believer, it was my expectation that she would provide some consideration for my behalf in that regard.

Yet I suppose my expectations were just set too high.

The truth ended up being that one of Kat Kat's friends has an interest in Glorieanne. An interest that is very much reciprocated.

This isn't altogether a bad thing. But it does provide a platform to show where Kat Kat's alliances were. Would it be for me? Or would it be for her husband's best friend? Soon enough a lot of cliche rhetoric will follow. How no one was trying to facilitate anything and that "things just started happening" or some BS along those lines.

But when it comes down to it, the fact is that Glorie is very much into Mr. Kat Kat's best friend; and that's the the interest that Kat Kat decided to protect. After all, the fact that he was accompanying the both of them on both occasions gave some incentive to withhold that precious piece of information from me. It would have been so valuable if Kat Kat had gone the extra measure of saying something as simple as, "Fred...you're my friend and because I value your friendship I just want to be honest with you. Even though things aren't final yet I may go down to see Glorie." Something along those lines.

Alas, what position am I in to even be considered? I will be looked at as the jealous ex boyfriend (again) and the vision I have for restoration will diminish little by little (again). At least Glorie was forward with me.

I guess this is just another batch of wonder to add to the pile of tension that I'm trying to remove. I just never thought one of my better friends would be among those who would contribute to it.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

back later

Unfortunately I can't say that I spent my day being as reflective and thankful as I thought I should be.

In fact, one of the major highlights of my day was getting beat pretty badly by my cousins in poker. Sure it cost me $20 overall, but I really got to spend some time with some of the cousins that I barely spend time with in the first place. And, for the first time in my life, I think that my mom's side of the family is a lot closer than my dad's side. That has never been the case but it is right now.

I'd like to say that I stayed focused today, but I didn't.
I just can't help but wonder about the future.


Yet, I still have hope.

Exhort I say!

Not much time now but I should revisit this at some point tonight.

But, I have but one big thing on my mind.

Lord, who have I but You?
I don't know how You're going to get glory out of this, but I know You will.
Because that's the God that I serve.

I humbly accept that I can't out intellectualize you my Father.
I understand that things aren't going to go my way all the time.

Yet, if You could just let me know that You're here, it would make all the difference in the world.
Help me see the things with which I should be grateful for.
Even if my near-sightedness causes me to focus on the temporary things of this life.

Because emotions are fickle.
And You are everlasting.

In You, my God and my friend, do I find my peace.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Saturday Night Thoughts

I had the most interesting phone call the other night.

My phone displayed the call id - "Need a Bandaid?" when I quickly realized I hadn't talked to Sil in quite sometime. To my surprise she was crying pretty badly. I immediately dropped everything I was doing and listened intently.

It was pretty clear that they just finished a pretty serious argument. And here I was seeing first hand the fallout as a result. I wanted to badly to just hug her. Let her know how dearly loved she is. Cause at that moment it can easily feel like life is hopeless.

She asked me to pray for her and after I finished things still seemed the same. She felt kind of awkward and ended up letting me go. I tried to persist in staying with her (it felt like the least I could do to support her) but she wanted to go. Before she did, I ended up telling her that I loved her. It was kind of weird. I don't really enjoy throwing that out there but I felt so compelled to tell her for some reason. Not because I was trying to charm my way into her pants, but because I had such an urgent need to let her know how dear she was and just how precious she really is (even if it didn't feel like it at the time). To my surprise, she told me she loved me back. It was kind of neat.

Thinking about it now, this whole situation really showcases just how badly I hate broken relationships. I hate it with a passion. It messes everything up and it ends up leaving so much debris. It affects multiple parties. It's effects are long lasting. It's horrible all around. In fact, it may be the only thing that God and I see eye-to-eye on in terms of disdain. If anyone questions the validity of this, I surely hope I have the pleasure of talking with them sometime. One need look no further than my life to see the very damaging ramifications of broken relationships.

And now here was one of my friends going through a similar pain. It felt awful. It's as if my heart was breaking alongside hers. Which is why all I wanted to do was just give her a big hug and let her know I was there. Cause often times that's all I wanted when I was hurting so badly. And instead all I got was people pointing fingers at me and telling me how wrong I was for doing various things. Which is why so many people naturally gravitate toward Jesus. He, more than anyone, had every right to point a finger and tell people how wrong they were and how justified He was.

Yet, in endless grace, He chose to give us a great big hug.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

The cycle of faith

Two steps forward. One step back.

There's still a lot of unrest.
There's still plenty of "should have" and "why didn't you" that are unanswered.
It's still messy and at times I think I'm the only one who still has a broom in hand.

But the tranquility is growing and the serenity is louder.

I have (re)discovered that, regardless of who was "right" or "wrong" everything that has happened has happened. That is, God has allowed this situation to conceive, intensify, and blow up with scintillating precision. Translation: there is method to His madness and order to the wisdom.

I miss Glorie.
I miss Glorie a lot. All of the arguments that we have entered into recently have only intensified that feeling. In other words, it only highlights how much I desire for our friendship to be restored.

But, it's entirely plausible to believe that our friendship may...never be restored. And I hate that I have to face up to that reality. I want Glorie to be a part of my life. I want her to be a great part of my life. But she has to want the same thing and it doesn't feel like she does.

In this delicate balance, I've lost sight of the fact that there are a number of people He has surrounded me with who are great parts of my life (and want me to be a great part of theirs). They may not have the same indescribable bond that Glorie and I have, but they are nonetheless equally as valuable. In my tunnel vision of focusing on my dear glorieanne, I inadvertently missed out on the people trying to help me.

The only piece left was why exactly God would allow it such that such a wonderful part of my life is now such a confusing one. And I still don't have an answer to that question. But that's ok. Cause I do have historical evidence that, regardless of reason, He has my best interest in mind. All I really have to do is trust that this situation is no different.

Which, I suppose, is what faith really is in the first place.

Monday, November 17, 2008

The other side of drama

I had a pretty bad day today.

I couldn't shake it off of me. I was completely saddened by yesterday. I cried last night (haven't done that in a few months) and woke up feeling horrible.

I tried staying focused but nothing ever really happened. During my phone sessions today I would call people up then literally pause just cause my mind was so preoccupied and just repeat the process over again.

Then I started beating myself up just cause I'm letting myself get so preoccupied with my small stuff. In other words, I'm out of focus because I'm not leveraging this to be a faith builder. Then I just got confused.



But eventually I came across something that gave me some peace (Matt 6): God knows.

At the very end of the day, God knows precisely what I'm going through. And that helps me.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

feelin' like akljdhsgl

Frustration. It's really unreal how bad it can get sometimes.

I was finally able to talk with Glorie after playing tag with her for the past 4 days. We began our usual dance routine but I am pretty scared about where it's headed next.

It started when I simply asked what she did for her birthday. She simply replied that she hung out with her friends. I dug further (as I would have, mind you, with any of my other friends) when she remained insistent on not telling me which friends she hung out with. I persisted further only to get declined again.

Naturally, awkward silence ensued. She was clearly guarding something and I didn't really want it to be a bother...but the fact is that her intentionally keeping that info from me was marking just where the relationship stood. She wasn't telling me for a specific purpose. In other words, had things been "normal" between us, she would have had no problem at all telling me (like how things have always been). But, as reality harshly points out, we aren't...normal.

Turns out that kat kat was the one she ended up going out with. And the reason she was withholding that info from me was because she didn't want me to get all weird and stuff because I couldn't come down to see her. Of course it probably didn't help that the first thing out of my mouth was, "no I can kind of tell when I'm not wanted." which was much to her disapproval. I didn't say that to be spiteful though. I was just raw with how I saw the situation. If we had to distill it, she and her family would have rather not had me there than enjoy my presence. It's the truth. I just didn't say it in the politically correct way.

Personally, I wouldn't have gone down even if I had known kat kat's plans. It seems obvious that it would have been unwise and simply not in the best interest of the entire friendship that needs rebuilding. I just wish kat kat would've told me; not because she needs my permission or anything but so that I could have perhaps sent a personal note or something to be hand delivered. But, as I look at it in hindsight, I suppose they were just going through preventative measures to keep tension at a minimum. But then again...that doesn't make any sense. The best remedy against tension is transparency. Blah.

The end result was the same though (sadly). The only thing different here was that I discovered a little bit more just how low Glorie views me. I mean she can't even share with me the people whom she joyfully enjoyed her birthday with. And we ended up leaving with a little bit more uneasyness than we started the day with. She says she doesn't like talking to me cause I always get sad about something. I always get sad about something cause I always discover another way with which she doesn't view me as any ordinary friend anymore. It's a depressing cycle.

I hope and pray desperately for a breakthrough. I'm trying my best. But she may just run out of patience.

I didn't fail!

and I didn't pass either.


That's right. I didn't even take the test.
In other words, I took $90 and gave it to the state of Georgia for free.


sexy.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

2 hours

I'm really nervous. I don't get nervous.

I don't know if I'll pass. I always pass.

I'm uncertain. I'm always confident.


focus...?

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

next?

I recently had a conversation with Glorie that proved rather insightful.

A few weeks ago, when I first discovered the posture of my heart (in all its ugliness), I called her simply to let her know the crazy stuff God was up to. I didn't really have subtle intent behind it all; rather, just an uncomplicated phone call to notify my "under construction" sign going up. She reacted in her normal sort of way. "Oh really? That's cool."

In fairness, she genuinely was happy that I was on a track for change, but nothing worth going crazy over. So, I started calling her and tried talking like I would any one of my normal friends. No bringing up the past. No intent of directing the conversation one way or another. Just simple, let the conversations lead where it may kinda stuff. The only problem is that she had become a fairly hard person to contact. We played phone tag for quite some time. Which leads us to our most recent conversation.

We started with the requisite small talk and then hit the awkward silence portion of the evening. It was horrible. It was one of those conversations that was actually an interrogation. I kept trying to be open and be as natural as possible but, for one reason or another, conversation was not to be had. In other words, it was just one person talking and the other answering. Discouraging to say the least. I told her how awkward it was making me feel. That's when she finally shared her perspective with me.

The general sentiment was that she felt it would not be appropriate for us to talk everyday. Instead, weekly would be a more fitting time interval. This was not altogether surprising to me. I mean that's to be expected from many of my friends. But it's the support that came afterward that was really hard to hear.

Essentially, her words distilled into one general message: "You have to deal with your past before we can talk." Obviously she didn't quite put it so plainly, but it was very much the signal she was sending. The logic is, according to her, that even though we may voluntarily choose not to bring up the past it will continue to be an issue until I address it.

There is some truth to what she's getting at. It will be an issue until God can move me to a place of complete forgiveness. However, does that mean that our friendship has to be mutually exclusive until that point? In other words, is it necessary for us to not talk simply because I haven't "dealt" with this pain?

I suppose it's only fitting for her/them to hold a position like that. After all, I was the one demanding for contrition before I allowed for the rebuilding of the friendship so this must be what it feels like to taste my own medicine. The only difference here is that I thought there would be at least a modicum of happiness for me when my mind finally "got around" to realizing that perhaps I was wrong. I know that I would've been jumping for joy if they ever stopped to consider that maybe, just maybe, some of the decisions that they made were not the most wise.

In all honesty, I wonder if all of this stuff is worth it. I thought Glorie and I would be able to enjoy deep friendship again at some point because we both would be able to feel that unique place that the other used to hold in their life. But, if our last conversation was any indication, she could care less whether or not we're friends. She sure doesn't get happy when she talks with me (as I do with her).

Which...hurts me. Cause I get so incredibly happy when she calls me.

Sunday, November 09, 2008

Heart monitor



I think it's time for my check up.

As it stands now, I can say with confidence that I believe I'm headed in the right direction. I'm not all the way where I want to be and there's definitely a lot more work that needs to be done. BUT, thankfully my heart is changing. Here's what has been happening in detail:

- With regard to all the "drama" that happened last year, my opinion is still pretty much in line. There are several key decisions made that, in my opinion, would have much benefitted from the wisdom and insight from objective wise council. This would have salvaged the relationship instead of allowing the destruction that resulted.

However, where I am completely different is in my expectation of the family. I discovered, thankfully, that it is absolutely wrong for me to carry myself the way that I have. For all the christianity I claim to hold to, what I failed to consider was the fact that all the virtues that I prioritize so highly must also be applicable to me. This seems obvious intellectually but it is another thing entirely when emotion is added to the mix.

All I really mean to say is this: Even if my sentiment is right regarding the way this situation has been handled, it does not give me the right to point a finger and dictate how someone should feel after the fact. The only result of my incorrect attitude has been an even more intense feeling of tension. And, well, friendships can't be built with tension in the air.

- After discovery, I immediately asked God to change the posture of my heart. So, as a result, my intent has changed. I still want her family to understand what they did. But it doesn't come from a bitter place anymore. It's not a "requirement" so to speak. Instead, it's more like how a friend desires for a friend to learn from their mistakes simply so they won't get hurt again (i.e. like how a parent wants their kid to understand why jumping off the kitchen table was a bad idea--not to rub it in their face how bad of a kid they are but because they don't want them getting hurt again). This has been a HUGE process. But, the end conclusion I kept coming to was that it is not my job to change people's hearts. My job is only to extend the same forgiveness that has been given to me. And, to be honest, that's hard to do to people who hurt you so much.

- So where do I go from here? I don't know.

That may seem a little trite, but it's the truth. I'm doing everything I can on my end to restore the friendship. This includes checking myself over and over again in contrast to Christ. And, I feel like there's much to work on. There's a lot of gunk buildup that has accumulated over the year. But, it's getting better and that's something worth celebrating.

I only hope that there is equal persistence and equal jubilation for me on the other end.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

beware of mouth!

Scripture: "3When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. 4Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. 5Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. 6The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell." James 3:3-6

Translation: Words have an incredible amount of potential to either edify or destroy. However, their propensity for destruction is 10x more dangerous than their ability to uplift. The reason being is that a few choice words can demolish what took years and years to build up. James is basically saying that it's just like a fire. What took years and a lot of time to build up a fire could take down in mere minutes. The same is true with the words that stem from our tongue.

Example: Build up a solid relationship with a particular family. Then various actions start damaging said friendship. The words that really broke everything down?
"We're simply doing what God wants us to do."

Application: Beware of your mouth.



Note: Being involved with the various damaging implications of ones mouth does not justify one for being bitter. Because James, in fact later in the chapter, talks about the value of heaven-stemming wisdom. And, the conclusion is found in 17 and 18: "Real wisdom, God's wisdom, begins with a holy life and is characterized by getting along with others. It is gentle and reasonable, overflowing with mercy and blessings, not hot one day and cold the next, not two-faced. You can develop a healthy, robust community that lives right with God and enjoy its results only if you do the hard work of getting along with each other, treating each other with dignity and honor."

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

ok I'll give my two cents

I hope everyone was prepared for this.

It's not like it was going to be a big surprise that Obama would win. I just hope everyone keeps appropriate perspective. That is, realize this: All leadership is a stewardship--and leaders are held accountable. This would've been true even if McCain had won.

Personally, I'm not really sure what to think. I definitely have strong disagreements with Obama on certain key issues, but in the end my principal focus remains not on the president of the United States but rather the Savior of the Universe. And I don't say this in a glib sort of manner. Everyone plays the Christian card. But the truth of the matter is that God would still be doing just fine regardless of whom the winner would have been (and that's what makes or breaks my life).

It is my desire that for the next four years, Barack would place his trust not on the temporary position of power that he will assume, but on the Giver of all. In humility, I pray sincerely that Obama would truly value the importance of wise council (both political and spiritual). I hope that for all the high aspirations of reform that he has built his platform on, he would pause to consider, with every decision, the best question ever: in light of my past experiences, my current circumstance, and my future hopes and dreams, what is the wise thing to do?

Last, I hope that he stays focused and never loses sight of the fact that regardless of the result of his tenure in office, his worth will never diminish in the eyes of Christ. In other words, I hope he always draws hope from the fact that, although I anticipate him to try his very best while in office, regardless of outcome his standing will not be changed. Secure understanding of this truth is paramount to visioncasting for the next four years.




Oh and stupid Florida.

Monday, November 03, 2008

thinking.

It's a weird feeling every monday night.

The Living Room (ministry of my church) is great every monday. I really enjoy the environment they create to make God all the more approachable. I love helping out on the production team. Sure I do something as simple as putting words on the screen or moving some sliders to make pretty colors appear, but it's a job nonetheless. I even love helping clean up afterwards even though that means I effectively spend 4 hours every monday night committed to this thing.

Afterwards I feel incredibly awkward. It's when we finish up and everyone goes on their respective way. I get in my car after I say farewell to everyone and prepare for the 30 minute drive home. I'm pretty accustomed to riding in the car by myself; I mean I've even grown to thoroughly enjoy it some of the time. But it's a different experience each time and tonight was a lonely one.

I started calling a lot of people. After all, I didn't want someone to miss a quality opportunity to talk with fred since I had a long drive home. But person after person didn't pick up. Inevitably I ended up calling Glow. She picked up...only to say she'd call me back later. (She never called back).

Being the last person that I called, I started thinking about Glorie. And, well, all I can say is that I miss her. I spent probably 2/3 of the drive thinking about how we can start rebuilding our friendship. I'm eager to start. I don't really care about the whole drama (well I'm working on it I should say) but more than anything I just want to laugh with her again.

And just see her smile.