The past few days have blitz me like none else.
I'm really starting to find my groove at work. I'm not doing anything spectacular. And I still haven't received a single paycheck. But at the very least I'm starting to find a rhythm with my appointments and I'm really starting to get to know everyone a lot better.
I come home really tired and wake up tired. It's kind of a lull. Maybe I'll start my coffee addiction at this point. I'm almost tempted to drink the stuff.
There's a neat thing about this job: delayed gratification. In fact, it's integral. The faith is that the enormous amount of work I'm putting in right now will pay dividends at a later point in time. It better. Cause my bills are starting to pile up.
NYL, quite simply, is dominating my life right now.
Oh and Kristy rubbed in my face how her Texas man was going to visit her this December. Lovely.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Friday Night Thoughts
There is one area that hasn't received any attention at all. Whatever happened to Ryan anyway?
When I received news that he and Glow were no longer an item, I felt pretty awkward. I was gloating in a sense because the end that I so hotly predicted was true, but at the same time I was very intentional about not being joyful in another person's misery.
I wrote him an email back in the day to try and address some of his negative sentiment toward me but only received a threat in return. I replied immediately and have yet to receive a response.
This is actually where I get kind of sad. I would have loved to have an intellectual conversation with Ryan about many of his feelings toward God. The moment I started inching toward that direction in any of our interactions, I'd only get transient responses to go on.
Which is not to say that I wouldn't delve into such things were the opportunity available today. I would. Our lives are very much intersected and I'm in it for the long haul.
In truth, I really don't hold anything against him. He was just doing what any person does and that's secure what they want. It certainly came at very costly expense, but all in all he acted the way any other non-christian would.
In contrast, this is precisely why I'm so bitter with how Glorie's family has acted this whole time. With non-christians, there's at least a reasonable out in that they, not being renewed in mind by the holy spirit, simply don't know how to act any better. But verse after verse commands us, as the community of Christ, to live in unity with another:
Ephesians 4:3
1 Corinthians 1:10
Romans 12:15-16
Philippians 2:4
But alas, anyone can spin the bible to support their argument. The simple distinction is this: they knew that their choices would be the destruction of our relationship. And they didn't care.
Whatever.
When I received news that he and Glow were no longer an item, I felt pretty awkward. I was gloating in a sense because the end that I so hotly predicted was true, but at the same time I was very intentional about not being joyful in another person's misery.
I wrote him an email back in the day to try and address some of his negative sentiment toward me but only received a threat in return. I replied immediately and have yet to receive a response.
This is actually where I get kind of sad. I would have loved to have an intellectual conversation with Ryan about many of his feelings toward God. The moment I started inching toward that direction in any of our interactions, I'd only get transient responses to go on.
Which is not to say that I wouldn't delve into such things were the opportunity available today. I would. Our lives are very much intersected and I'm in it for the long haul.
In truth, I really don't hold anything against him. He was just doing what any person does and that's secure what they want. It certainly came at very costly expense, but all in all he acted the way any other non-christian would.
In contrast, this is precisely why I'm so bitter with how Glorie's family has acted this whole time. With non-christians, there's at least a reasonable out in that they, not being renewed in mind by the holy spirit, simply don't know how to act any better. But verse after verse commands us, as the community of Christ, to live in unity with another:
Ephesians 4:3
1 Corinthians 1:10
Romans 12:15-16
Philippians 2:4
But alas, anyone can spin the bible to support their argument. The simple distinction is this: they knew that their choices would be the destruction of our relationship. And they didn't care.
Whatever.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
The ugly realization
Ok.
I've really had time to simmer down and examine my heart. Here are the results:
- As originally idealized, Kristy was right. The raw truth is that I probably haven't forgiven Glorie's family for what they have done to me.
- I do not want to remain at this place.
- The thing that bugs me the most is the horrible way being a Christian complicates all of this. If they were true in their faith, considering all the christianese that they talked up toward me (you know what that is...the whole "God is doing something bigger that we can't understand" thing) would have validated itself over time. But, in hindsight we discover that they didn't really mean anything they said to me and in fact demonstrated just the opposite.
On the other hand, if I'm as Christian as I profess, then I would have the maturity to look past the situation into the depth of the situation. In other words, can I love so purely that I receive nothing in return (which is exactly the way Christ loved us through the Cross).
- I want peace one way or the other. If they love me and care about me the way that it has been said they do, then I want them to be sorry for hurting someone they care/love. That would be such a simple demonstration of the very love they profess.
On the contrary, if they really like Ryan more than me, then I wish they'd say it to me straight up. Don't give me some BS about how they weren't choosing Ryan but maintaining a reality of Glorie's life. Just be transparent and say that they value him more than me. The ugly truth is still the truth.
- I'm quite comfortable with the fact that this is still very much an issue in my heart. Yes it has been over a year since this jazz has happened, but it's taking me a long time to heal for a reason. Either I'm a slow healer or there is a tremendous amount to heal. People can look down on me all they want for how long I'm taking, but only God knows what it's been like to be in my shoes with all the knives in my back.
- I'm very happy that I have identified this area of life as something that needs attention. It's very humbling to realize the depth of your depravity and only gives insight as to how much saving one really needs. In my case, I need a Savior small enough to hold my hand but big enough to hold the world.
- My prayer is that I would emerge from this ordeal not only able to truly forgive Glorie's family, but more than anything to be a more loving and forgiving person in general. I take this straight from Luke 7
"He who has been forgiven little loves little"
My hope is that this concept would be unmistakably real in my life.
I've really had time to simmer down and examine my heart. Here are the results:
- As originally idealized, Kristy was right. The raw truth is that I probably haven't forgiven Glorie's family for what they have done to me.
- I do not want to remain at this place.
- The thing that bugs me the most is the horrible way being a Christian complicates all of this. If they were true in their faith, considering all the christianese that they talked up toward me (you know what that is...the whole "God is doing something bigger that we can't understand" thing) would have validated itself over time. But, in hindsight we discover that they didn't really mean anything they said to me and in fact demonstrated just the opposite.
On the other hand, if I'm as Christian as I profess, then I would have the maturity to look past the situation into the depth of the situation. In other words, can I love so purely that I receive nothing in return (which is exactly the way Christ loved us through the Cross).
- I want peace one way or the other. If they love me and care about me the way that it has been said they do, then I want them to be sorry for hurting someone they care/love. That would be such a simple demonstration of the very love they profess.
On the contrary, if they really like Ryan more than me, then I wish they'd say it to me straight up. Don't give me some BS about how they weren't choosing Ryan but maintaining a reality of Glorie's life. Just be transparent and say that they value him more than me. The ugly truth is still the truth.
- I'm quite comfortable with the fact that this is still very much an issue in my heart. Yes it has been over a year since this jazz has happened, but it's taking me a long time to heal for a reason. Either I'm a slow healer or there is a tremendous amount to heal. People can look down on me all they want for how long I'm taking, but only God knows what it's been like to be in my shoes with all the knives in my back.
- I'm very happy that I have identified this area of life as something that needs attention. It's very humbling to realize the depth of your depravity and only gives insight as to how much saving one really needs. In my case, I need a Savior small enough to hold my hand but big enough to hold the world.
- My prayer is that I would emerge from this ordeal not only able to truly forgive Glorie's family, but more than anything to be a more loving and forgiving person in general. I take this straight from Luke 7
"He who has been forgiven little loves little"
My hope is that this concept would be unmistakably real in my life.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
update (pt 2)
This job is going to be harder than I thought.
(i.e. I made 150 cold calls today. Nevermind the fact that cold calling is akin to taking a shower in a bucket of ice, but I didn't get one single person who said yes to me having a meeting.)
I honestly believe that I can help everyone (and I can. Really.). But no one wants my help. Something is aloof here no?
Even some of my friends are starting to be wary of me calling them trying to schedule an appointment. I wish I could let them see that I'm not trying to be a salesman to them; rather, I want to make sure that they're ok.
In other words, I'd rather live with the fact that they think I'm a little annoying then live with the regret of having something detrimental happen and knowing I could've done something to help them be more prepared. All I want to do is show people what I do. Honestly.
Guess that's about it on the job front.
Oh, and Kristy is crazy about Texas guy. Go figure.
(i.e. I made 150 cold calls today. Nevermind the fact that cold calling is akin to taking a shower in a bucket of ice, but I didn't get one single person who said yes to me having a meeting.)
I honestly believe that I can help everyone (and I can. Really.). But no one wants my help. Something is aloof here no?
Even some of my friends are starting to be wary of me calling them trying to schedule an appointment. I wish I could let them see that I'm not trying to be a salesman to them; rather, I want to make sure that they're ok.
In other words, I'd rather live with the fact that they think I'm a little annoying then live with the regret of having something detrimental happen and knowing I could've done something to help them be more prepared. All I want to do is show people what I do. Honestly.
Guess that's about it on the job front.
Oh, and Kristy is crazy about Texas guy. Go figure.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Thought for food
I've had a bunch of time to think about life.
My life to be honest. Specifically everything that Kristy said. The problem is that I'm not liking what I discovered. There's a lot of ugly stuff just welled up inside of me. It's horrible.
The honest truth is that I'm still pretty hurt at everything. I could go on reexplaining everything but it wouldn't really do anything. The simple truth is that they don't really care that they hurt me. It's that simple.
Then, talking with Kristy tonight, it couldn't be any more clear how crazy she is about this other guy. I hope she's happy with him. And I especially hope that he deserves her. Kristy is a pretty incredible woman and she better not settle for anybody.
Thankfully, I can say tonight that I'm a little bit more peaceful. In the living room tonight we discussed a passage in Colossians 2. Paul basically makes the assertion that if we, "Christians", really are rooted in Christ the way we like to appear that we are, one of the natural overflows of that truth is that we would be overflowing with thankfulness. In other words, people who are really like Jesus are the most grateful people on earth.
I haven't been thankful in awhile.
But then again, I'm always learning. Perhaps this is no different. My goal is to simply be more thankful and maintain a bigger perspective. I hope to be more thankful. And I hope that it's a real gratefulness as well. Not one of those glib (oh yeah praise Jesus) but one of those things that are so flippin inspirational that you start to get curious how someone can be developed in such a way.
And it starts with being thankful for all the hurt that happened to me.
My life to be honest. Specifically everything that Kristy said. The problem is that I'm not liking what I discovered. There's a lot of ugly stuff just welled up inside of me. It's horrible.
The honest truth is that I'm still pretty hurt at everything. I could go on reexplaining everything but it wouldn't really do anything. The simple truth is that they don't really care that they hurt me. It's that simple.
Then, talking with Kristy tonight, it couldn't be any more clear how crazy she is about this other guy. I hope she's happy with him. And I especially hope that he deserves her. Kristy is a pretty incredible woman and she better not settle for anybody.
Thankfully, I can say tonight that I'm a little bit more peaceful. In the living room tonight we discussed a passage in Colossians 2. Paul basically makes the assertion that if we, "Christians", really are rooted in Christ the way we like to appear that we are, one of the natural overflows of that truth is that we would be overflowing with thankfulness. In other words, people who are really like Jesus are the most grateful people on earth.
I haven't been thankful in awhile.
But then again, I'm always learning. Perhaps this is no different. My goal is to simply be more thankful and maintain a bigger perspective. I hope to be more thankful. And I hope that it's a real gratefulness as well. Not one of those glib (oh yeah praise Jesus) but one of those things that are so flippin inspirational that you start to get curious how someone can be developed in such a way.
And it starts with being thankful for all the hurt that happened to me.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Friday Night Thoughts
What a day.
I didn't sleep last night. I thought it would be a brilliant idea to "study" the whole morning in preparation for my test. What ended up happening was that I got to the testing center exhausted. I then thought it would be a fantastic idea to buy a rockstar mocha energy drink. Perhaps it would give me the boost I needed only this morning. So, it's only fitting that. . .
I failed the test.
I was bummed for the majority of the day. I'm not an idiot and I was certainly capable of passing this test. But, I set myself up for failure with my fatigue and poor time management. Looking back, I see it as a way of God slowly humbling me and giving that gentle little reminder that He gives and takes away. Oh well.
Then I ended up talking with Kristy more. I really love talking to that woman. We only spent like an hour on the phone today but it was cool. I discovered that she's pretty crazy about this other guy. It kind of hurt when I heard it. I want her to like me. I want her to be perpetually curious about me the way I am with her. But it seems evident that things aren't working out that way. This is no big loss. After all, we're still very much close friends which is something that I'm still very grateful for.
Part of this was confirmed when I talked with her today. I talked about Glorie since she talked about her crush. She's familiar with the situation and thus I asked for her advice. The results were staggering. It went something like this:
"Well what do you think I should do?"
"I dunno. How long are you going to let it bother you?"
"I don't know. I just want them to be sorry for hurting me you know?"
"I know. They shouldn't have hurt you. But it's pretty obvious they're not going to be sorry anytime soon. It's up to you to make a choice as to what you'll do in this situation. You can either move on and forgive them or let this eat you up. It's your choice."
"I have forgiven them. I just wish there was a part of them that was sorry."
"If you've forgiven them this wouldn't be bothering you so much. Why don't you just forgive them? Isn't that something that you're big into?"
"Yes."
"Well it doesn't seem like it."
*no response*
What if she's right? Here comes this girl, who is just starting to delve into a full relationship with Christ, dropping a theological bomb on me. It felt like a spiritual kick in the nuts.
Have a truly forgiven Glorie's family?
If Kristy can smell it and identify it so clearly, something must be amiss. The problem is, I want so badly for there to be retribution for all the hurt done to me. Not necessarily an execution of judgment, but moreso a contrite heart and genuine remorse. The question then becomes, "do I need those things in order to forgive (i.e. "move on")?" What a freaking thought.
God, thank you for Kristy.
I didn't sleep last night. I thought it would be a brilliant idea to "study" the whole morning in preparation for my test. What ended up happening was that I got to the testing center exhausted. I then thought it would be a fantastic idea to buy a rockstar mocha energy drink. Perhaps it would give me the boost I needed only this morning. So, it's only fitting that. . .
I failed the test.
I was bummed for the majority of the day. I'm not an idiot and I was certainly capable of passing this test. But, I set myself up for failure with my fatigue and poor time management. Looking back, I see it as a way of God slowly humbling me and giving that gentle little reminder that He gives and takes away. Oh well.
Then I ended up talking with Kristy more. I really love talking to that woman. We only spent like an hour on the phone today but it was cool. I discovered that she's pretty crazy about this other guy. It kind of hurt when I heard it. I want her to like me. I want her to be perpetually curious about me the way I am with her. But it seems evident that things aren't working out that way. This is no big loss. After all, we're still very much close friends which is something that I'm still very grateful for.
Part of this was confirmed when I talked with her today. I talked about Glorie since she talked about her crush. She's familiar with the situation and thus I asked for her advice. The results were staggering. It went something like this:
"Well what do you think I should do?"
"I dunno. How long are you going to let it bother you?"
"I don't know. I just want them to be sorry for hurting me you know?"
"I know. They shouldn't have hurt you. But it's pretty obvious they're not going to be sorry anytime soon. It's up to you to make a choice as to what you'll do in this situation. You can either move on and forgive them or let this eat you up. It's your choice."
"I have forgiven them. I just wish there was a part of them that was sorry."
"If you've forgiven them this wouldn't be bothering you so much. Why don't you just forgive them? Isn't that something that you're big into?"
"Yes."
"Well it doesn't seem like it."
*no response*
What if she's right? Here comes this girl, who is just starting to delve into a full relationship with Christ, dropping a theological bomb on me. It felt like a spiritual kick in the nuts.
Have a truly forgiven Glorie's family?
If Kristy can smell it and identify it so clearly, something must be amiss. The problem is, I want so badly for there to be retribution for all the hurt done to me. Not necessarily an execution of judgment, but moreso a contrite heart and genuine remorse. The question then becomes, "do I need those things in order to forgive (i.e. "move on")?" What a freaking thought.
God, thank you for Kristy.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Update
- I rocked my presentation today. Well not really. I'd say I got a rock solid B. But it's profound enough to say that I was aiming for the A all the way.
- I take my LAS test in 3.5 hours. The last time I took the practice test I failed. If I don't pass this I can't go very far in this job.
- James 1:22 "do not merely listen to the word and so deceive yourselves--do what it says"
- I don't do what the word says.
- I wish I could just push some button that would make it better between Glorie and I.
- Plenty of other background noise in my life that are meaningful but not eternal.
Above everything that's going on in my life, I'm discovering this baseline peace. It's not some zen meditative state that I suddenly arrive at. Rather, it's just a completely transformed thought process that above it all I'll be ok.
In other words, even if I failed my test tomorrow, even if things don't work out between Glorie and me, even if I fail at my new job, even if I screw up and sin some more, it won't have any bearing on my eternal identity of being a child of God. That's an incredibly powerful place to be once your mind wraps around it.
- I take my LAS test in 3.5 hours. The last time I took the practice test I failed. If I don't pass this I can't go very far in this job.
- James 1:22 "do not merely listen to the word and so deceive yourselves--do what it says"
- I don't do what the word says.
- I wish I could just push some button that would make it better between Glorie and I.
- Plenty of other background noise in my life that are meaningful but not eternal.
Above everything that's going on in my life, I'm discovering this baseline peace. It's not some zen meditative state that I suddenly arrive at. Rather, it's just a completely transformed thought process that above it all I'll be ok.
In other words, even if I failed my test tomorrow, even if things don't work out between Glorie and me, even if I fail at my new job, even if I screw up and sin some more, it won't have any bearing on my eternal identity of being a child of God. That's an incredibly powerful place to be once your mind wraps around it.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
thinking tuesdays
The management team at NYL is getting pretty frustrated with our group.
It's kind of funny when you think about it. I imagine it's akin to when someone joins any sort of group initiation environment. It's easy to compare/contrast previous groups with the current one. I feel we're among the worst regimen ever to enter. It's ok though. I feel like I'll prove my worth when it's all said and done. I've always loved the fact that I'm a late bloomer anyway.
In other semi-frustrating news, I hit a really rough spot tonight. I finished watching House and tried studying all the stuff we're required to know for the new job. At some point, when my head started to hurt, I decided to take a "break."
Bad idea.
I walked around and just let thoughts come to me in a whimsical fashion. This inevitably led to Glorie and man did it hit me bad. I tried thinking of Kristy just to thwart my brain but it was a losing effort. I got kind of angry at some point.
There was email correspondence that had been taking place but it stopped abruptly. The problem is that I had some pretty critical questions for her/her family in my last email which have never been answered. It's not too late for them to respond, but as each day goes by the urgency will go down and thus the greater the probability that these questions will never be answered.
Oh well. It really boils back down to the crux of the matter that I proposed from the very beginning. If they could do it all over again, would they change anything? If they wouldn't change what they did to me (and to use their words "we're not sorry for what we did cause we didn't do anything wrong") then I think it would give me a tremendous amount of closure to actually hear it. Then I'll know that they slammed the door shut with a resounding thud.
Tonight was different in that I wondered why they said those things to me. I thought about what would happen if my parents found out they held to that precise position (remember, at this point my parents are under the impression that they're sorry for everything that they did). I really wonder what would happen if her family said to mine, "we're not sorry for anything we did to Fred because we didn't do anything wrong." Obviously this hypothetical would never happen, but the irony is that this precise sentiment is a driving factor as to why we aren't friends.
All of this is to say that I got pretty frustrated. I didn't even know why I was consuming myself with such thoughts. But, I suppose this is what's still on my mind. I can't believe how incredibly deep this relationship went in my life. And, if I had to be honest, I guess that I'm pretty hurt that the same wasn't true for my counterpart(s).
Lord, give me clarity in viewing this situation from your eyes and fresh perspective to consider aspects I have yet to ponder. More than anything, help me respond in a way that's righteous but loving; I want to respond the same way You responded to me when I broke our relationship. Leverage this event for Your glory such that I can proudly showcase how You grow Your kid's faith if we only let You.
It's kind of funny when you think about it. I imagine it's akin to when someone joins any sort of group initiation environment. It's easy to compare/contrast previous groups with the current one. I feel we're among the worst regimen ever to enter. It's ok though. I feel like I'll prove my worth when it's all said and done. I've always loved the fact that I'm a late bloomer anyway.
In other semi-frustrating news, I hit a really rough spot tonight. I finished watching House and tried studying all the stuff we're required to know for the new job. At some point, when my head started to hurt, I decided to take a "break."
Bad idea.
I walked around and just let thoughts come to me in a whimsical fashion. This inevitably led to Glorie and man did it hit me bad. I tried thinking of Kristy just to thwart my brain but it was a losing effort. I got kind of angry at some point.
There was email correspondence that had been taking place but it stopped abruptly. The problem is that I had some pretty critical questions for her/her family in my last email which have never been answered. It's not too late for them to respond, but as each day goes by the urgency will go down and thus the greater the probability that these questions will never be answered.
Oh well. It really boils back down to the crux of the matter that I proposed from the very beginning. If they could do it all over again, would they change anything? If they wouldn't change what they did to me (and to use their words "we're not sorry for what we did cause we didn't do anything wrong") then I think it would give me a tremendous amount of closure to actually hear it. Then I'll know that they slammed the door shut with a resounding thud.
Tonight was different in that I wondered why they said those things to me. I thought about what would happen if my parents found out they held to that precise position (remember, at this point my parents are under the impression that they're sorry for everything that they did). I really wonder what would happen if her family said to mine, "we're not sorry for anything we did to Fred because we didn't do anything wrong." Obviously this hypothetical would never happen, but the irony is that this precise sentiment is a driving factor as to why we aren't friends.
All of this is to say that I got pretty frustrated. I didn't even know why I was consuming myself with such thoughts. But, I suppose this is what's still on my mind. I can't believe how incredibly deep this relationship went in my life. And, if I had to be honest, I guess that I'm pretty hurt that the same wasn't true for my counterpart(s).
Lord, give me clarity in viewing this situation from your eyes and fresh perspective to consider aspects I have yet to ponder. More than anything, help me respond in a way that's righteous but loving; I want to respond the same way You responded to me when I broke our relationship. Leverage this event for Your glory such that I can proudly showcase how You grow Your kid's faith if we only let You.
Friday, October 10, 2008
residual thoughts
Today was pretty difficult.
I found it so hard to focus today. It probably didn't help that the lecturer today had the driest, most monotonous voice out of everyone in the office. The nail in the coffin was naturally my boredom.
The reason any of this is noteworthy is because I ended up thinking about Glorie a lot. Something reminded me of her eyes. Holding her face and smiling at her as she gleefully looked into the eyes of her love.
Things between me and the crush have cooled down considerably and naturally she really is no contest compared to Glorie. It sucks so bad. I wanted to call her today and just have a conversation like we used to. I was staring at my phone just waiting to press send but I knew I couldn't.
I miss her so much. And it's still bothersome that we can't even enjoy each other's friendship.
Adding insult to injury was the fact that tonight a lot of my family started asking questions about her. Nothing intrusive; just simple questions from concerned family. "How are things between you and Glorie?", "Are you guys still friends?"
I wish I could answer honestly, "yes...but no" but they wouldn't be able to understand. How do you tell your family that the people who hurt you are sorry that you were hurt...but not sorry for what they did to hurt you in the first place?
Then I would have to field the questions about why I still hope for closeness with Glorie again in light of everything they put me through. But I can't answer that either.
Cause I can't really explain why I thought about her like how I did today. She's incredibly special to me. That's all.
Too bad that doesn't count for anything.
I found it so hard to focus today. It probably didn't help that the lecturer today had the driest, most monotonous voice out of everyone in the office. The nail in the coffin was naturally my boredom.
The reason any of this is noteworthy is because I ended up thinking about Glorie a lot. Something reminded me of her eyes. Holding her face and smiling at her as she gleefully looked into the eyes of her love.
Things between me and the crush have cooled down considerably and naturally she really is no contest compared to Glorie. It sucks so bad. I wanted to call her today and just have a conversation like we used to. I was staring at my phone just waiting to press send but I knew I couldn't.
I miss her so much. And it's still bothersome that we can't even enjoy each other's friendship.
Adding insult to injury was the fact that tonight a lot of my family started asking questions about her. Nothing intrusive; just simple questions from concerned family. "How are things between you and Glorie?", "Are you guys still friends?"
I wish I could answer honestly, "yes...but no" but they wouldn't be able to understand. How do you tell your family that the people who hurt you are sorry that you were hurt...but not sorry for what they did to hurt you in the first place?
Then I would have to field the questions about why I still hope for closeness with Glorie again in light of everything they put me through. But I can't answer that either.
Cause I can't really explain why I thought about her like how I did today. She's incredibly special to me. That's all.
Too bad that doesn't count for anything.
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
Day two
While learning more about my job today, I learned a very wonderful truth: Without trust, it is impossible to build a relationship with someone.
What a thought.
What a thought.
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
More mindless chatter
Today was my first day of training at NYL.
I found out that it's going to be a grueling two weeks. This is actually a good thing. I would much rather have a company take me through "boot camp" and me be better prepared once I'm really getting started than to be in a situation where the company is babying me and I end up no better than when I first entered the doors.
One thing I have noticed is that there's a lot of pride at this company. Many people that are proud of the company that they work for and proud of what they do. I applaud this very much, the whole unashamed of who I am deal. However, I truly hope I don't fall victim to the trap of letting this job define my identity. Far be it for me to allow such a trivial thing such as a job be worth my devotion. I have a tremendous amount of respect for the company and for everyone who has prepared the way on my behalf. However, no job, despite how prestigious, is worth my life.
In all, I'm pretty nervous about the whole deal. There's so much unknown. And a lot will depend on my propensity for diligence. Add to that the fact that it is an absolutely splendid time to go into the financial services market in the US, and you have a fruity concoction of a predicament. Nonetheless, I have full faith that Jesus will provide. And, to be honest, that feels kinda weird for me to say. But I truly believe it.
In any case, the 32 hours of FCS (training) I have left will be nothing compared to the tests I have left. One for insurance and two so that I can be a financial advisor. It doesn't really help thought that 15% of people pass the insurance test the first time they take it. And it's $90 to take the test. Every time.
Oh joy.
I found out that it's going to be a grueling two weeks. This is actually a good thing. I would much rather have a company take me through "boot camp" and me be better prepared once I'm really getting started than to be in a situation where the company is babying me and I end up no better than when I first entered the doors.
One thing I have noticed is that there's a lot of pride at this company. Many people that are proud of the company that they work for and proud of what they do. I applaud this very much, the whole unashamed of who I am deal. However, I truly hope I don't fall victim to the trap of letting this job define my identity. Far be it for me to allow such a trivial thing such as a job be worth my devotion. I have a tremendous amount of respect for the company and for everyone who has prepared the way on my behalf. However, no job, despite how prestigious, is worth my life.
In all, I'm pretty nervous about the whole deal. There's so much unknown. And a lot will depend on my propensity for diligence. Add to that the fact that it is an absolutely splendid time to go into the financial services market in the US, and you have a fruity concoction of a predicament. Nonetheless, I have full faith that Jesus will provide. And, to be honest, that feels kinda weird for me to say. But I truly believe it.
In any case, the 32 hours of FCS (training) I have left will be nothing compared to the tests I have left. One for insurance and two so that I can be a financial advisor. It doesn't really help thought that 15% of people pass the insurance test the first time they take it. And it's $90 to take the test. Every time.
Oh joy.
Sunday, October 05, 2008
man I'm so weird
Tonight (or this morning?) I picked a great time to have insomnia.
I have to be at church in about 2 hours so I'll just go 24 hours without sleep. It was kind of weird. There's that feeling when you lie down and have your eyes closed but aren't quite asleep yet. Many people count sheep or do something rudimentary in order to get their minds to wind down and prepare for rest. When you're wired like me, this little "pre-sleep" time is when I have the most eccentric of thoughts. This can be good or bad as some times I will consider the most profound of ponderings in those moments. Other times I simply go buck wild thinking about so much. Tonight (or this morning?) was the latter.
I hung out with my crush again today. It was a weird spur-of-the-moment hang out session. We ended up playing poker when her phone kept blowing up with random text messages. I surmised from her wide smiles that they emanated from her crush. So naturally my heart sank just a little bit. It's a curious feeling really. Wanting so badly to be thought a certain way from a certain special individual...only to have them think nothing of the sort in your direction. It's like the whole time I just wanted to say "I wish you would smile for me sometime."
The thing is I can't quite identify what exactly that draws me to her. She is a Christian...but doesn't love Jesus half as much as I wish she would. She's pretty...but not Glorie pretty. We're completely different in fact. She gets inebriated from time to time and frequents the local poker table often. I do silly things like wake up early to go run cameras for a church and spend extra time trading video games to possibly make a small sum of money. She still makes extensive use of expletives that I long rid my vernacular of. She's smarter than me.
But, in the end, we have some pretty wonderful conversations. Although our past and present are worlds apart, there is an indescribable allure that exists toward the other person. According to her, she has never encountered someone so genuinely authentic, compassionate, and kind in her entire life. But I can't narrow precisely what it is about her that I like so much. She's interesting no doubt but what about her is so wonderful? I like how she laughs a lot. I like how she loves her family. I like her quirky sense of humor. I like how she thinks she's wittier than me.
I suppose it's the sum of all of those little things that attribute to my infatuation. I simply smile when I think about her. And I haven't been able to say that for a while about anyone. Every time I think about Glorie and I smile, it's immediately met with all the fallout from what happened last year. With Ms. T, it's simply...a smile.
I guess this is what is driving me nuts. For as much as she can make me smile, the sentiment isn't reciprocated entirely. I'm certain that she has some sort of affinity for me. It's evident in her body language. I just wish she was all giddy and girly over me. It sucks.
Thankfully, I have a pretty strong peace about this whole thing. Ever since all of this started to precipitate, all of my thoughts were intersected by the Holy Spirit.
"Do you want Me fred or do you want a girl?"
"Do you love Me fred or do you only sing those songs to me at church?"
"Do you trust Me or not fred?"
And here I was thinking that this trust lesson was over with already.
I have to be at church in about 2 hours so I'll just go 24 hours without sleep. It was kind of weird. There's that feeling when you lie down and have your eyes closed but aren't quite asleep yet. Many people count sheep or do something rudimentary in order to get their minds to wind down and prepare for rest. When you're wired like me, this little "pre-sleep" time is when I have the most eccentric of thoughts. This can be good or bad as some times I will consider the most profound of ponderings in those moments. Other times I simply go buck wild thinking about so much. Tonight (or this morning?) was the latter.
I hung out with my crush again today. It was a weird spur-of-the-moment hang out session. We ended up playing poker when her phone kept blowing up with random text messages. I surmised from her wide smiles that they emanated from her crush. So naturally my heart sank just a little bit. It's a curious feeling really. Wanting so badly to be thought a certain way from a certain special individual...only to have them think nothing of the sort in your direction. It's like the whole time I just wanted to say "I wish you would smile for me sometime."
The thing is I can't quite identify what exactly that draws me to her. She is a Christian...but doesn't love Jesus half as much as I wish she would. She's pretty...but not Glorie pretty. We're completely different in fact. She gets inebriated from time to time and frequents the local poker table often. I do silly things like wake up early to go run cameras for a church and spend extra time trading video games to possibly make a small sum of money. She still makes extensive use of expletives that I long rid my vernacular of. She's smarter than me.
But, in the end, we have some pretty wonderful conversations. Although our past and present are worlds apart, there is an indescribable allure that exists toward the other person. According to her, she has never encountered someone so genuinely authentic, compassionate, and kind in her entire life. But I can't narrow precisely what it is about her that I like so much. She's interesting no doubt but what about her is so wonderful? I like how she laughs a lot. I like how she loves her family. I like her quirky sense of humor. I like how she thinks she's wittier than me.
I suppose it's the sum of all of those little things that attribute to my infatuation. I simply smile when I think about her. And I haven't been able to say that for a while about anyone. Every time I think about Glorie and I smile, it's immediately met with all the fallout from what happened last year. With Ms. T, it's simply...a smile.
I guess this is what is driving me nuts. For as much as she can make me smile, the sentiment isn't reciprocated entirely. I'm certain that she has some sort of affinity for me. It's evident in her body language. I just wish she was all giddy and girly over me. It sucks.
Thankfully, I have a pretty strong peace about this whole thing. Ever since all of this started to precipitate, all of my thoughts were intersected by the Holy Spirit.
"Do you want Me fred or do you want a girl?"
"Do you love Me fred or do you only sing those songs to me at church?"
"Do you trust Me or not fred?"
And here I was thinking that this trust lesson was over with already.
Friday, October 03, 2008
oh well
So I've had a little bit of a crush on someone lately.
I don't really know where it developed from either. It started out with intrigue then I suppose it simply snowballed to the full on crush that it is right now.
Unfortunately, I don't believe that they have a crush on me. If anything, they even gave hints as to how crazy about someone else they were. It's fitting I suppose. The whole chasing something that was never there in the first place. Oh well.
God is hilarious.
And, I say smiling, there is beauty in singleness.
I don't really know where it developed from either. It started out with intrigue then I suppose it simply snowballed to the full on crush that it is right now.
Unfortunately, I don't believe that they have a crush on me. If anything, they even gave hints as to how crazy about someone else they were. It's fitting I suppose. The whole chasing something that was never there in the first place. Oh well.
God is hilarious.
And, I say smiling, there is beauty in singleness.
Thursday, October 02, 2008
What am I thinking about now?
Alas I find myself back in this space.
In light of all this contemplation about thoughts and all this Christian hub bub I still find myself thinking about Glorie. There's this perpetual struggle going on within my head about whether or not I'm simply "hanging on" or whether this is a testament to how much I really valued the relationship. In either case, the reality is that it's still very much on my mind. And my council gives me conflicting advice as to what I should do about it.
This isn't anything new as I've bloviated about this singular topic for so long now, but I'm being completely honest when I say this is what's on my mind. It's not nearly as dominant as it was last year though. The pain isn't nearly as strong either. But, although the intensity has diminished significantly, it doesn't take away from the fact that it's still very much there.
It's the times like right now where it still hurts the most. When I consider how she's already long asleep in her bed with nothing in the world able to perturb her slumber. It's in the wake of midnight when I consider most just how much I long to be involved with her life. To know what she simply did today. To hear about what she thinks about. To laugh at the random jokes she finds on websites. To hear what new discovery she has uncovered. But all of this collides violently with the reality that I'm simply not able to enjoy any of this; there's no friendship to build off of.
It hurts pretty badly. Tears still flow consistently down. But what does that matter? There is nothing I can do to rid myself of the "obsessive ex-boyfriend" title that I've now been branded with.
The only thing that helps me get through this is the faith that I have that God, if He is real and if He is who He says He is, is more than aware of my situation. Thankfully, I've had many friends remind me of this perspective. From my small group who have done nothing but supported me faithfully in prayer, to Myriam in her perpetual goal of having me staying focused on the bigger (i.e. Godly) picture, to Kat Kat and her non-judgmental way of simply letting me know that she's there. Indeed, I have been surrounded with people who all point to the God we mutually draw strength from.
Someday it will be my time to draw from this experience to give Glor(ie) to God. I hope I do so with all of my heart.
In light of all this contemplation about thoughts and all this Christian hub bub I still find myself thinking about Glorie. There's this perpetual struggle going on within my head about whether or not I'm simply "hanging on" or whether this is a testament to how much I really valued the relationship. In either case, the reality is that it's still very much on my mind. And my council gives me conflicting advice as to what I should do about it.
This isn't anything new as I've bloviated about this singular topic for so long now, but I'm being completely honest when I say this is what's on my mind. It's not nearly as dominant as it was last year though. The pain isn't nearly as strong either. But, although the intensity has diminished significantly, it doesn't take away from the fact that it's still very much there.
It's the times like right now where it still hurts the most. When I consider how she's already long asleep in her bed with nothing in the world able to perturb her slumber. It's in the wake of midnight when I consider most just how much I long to be involved with her life. To know what she simply did today. To hear about what she thinks about. To laugh at the random jokes she finds on websites. To hear what new discovery she has uncovered. But all of this collides violently with the reality that I'm simply not able to enjoy any of this; there's no friendship to build off of.
It hurts pretty badly. Tears still flow consistently down. But what does that matter? There is nothing I can do to rid myself of the "obsessive ex-boyfriend" title that I've now been branded with.
The only thing that helps me get through this is the faith that I have that God, if He is real and if He is who He says He is, is more than aware of my situation. Thankfully, I've had many friends remind me of this perspective. From my small group who have done nothing but supported me faithfully in prayer, to Myriam in her perpetual goal of having me staying focused on the bigger (i.e. Godly) picture, to Kat Kat and her non-judgmental way of simply letting me know that she's there. Indeed, I have been surrounded with people who all point to the God we mutually draw strength from.
Someday it will be my time to draw from this experience to give Glor(ie) to God. I hope I do so with all of my heart.
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