the thought process

There's a fascinating idea that I've been able to explore extensively for the past several days.

This isn't an original idea of mine, of course. Instead, I was introduced to it by the high school director from my local church. The idea is a simple one really:

"Your thoughts will drive your actions. Therefore, what you think you will become."

It's kind of a weird idea to digest from the onset. It seems like there's a lot of holes in the logic, but I've found that the basic premise of the idea is rock solid. Think about it.

When a husband cheats on his wife, he doesn't just wake up and state "I'm going to wreck my marriage and destroy the relationship I've built up for so long because I feel good!" No. Instead, the end result (the affair) is the culmination of several small thoughts. Usually a nice compliment progresses to a longer-than-normal hug. Then the long hug turns into a "casual" lunch. The snowball continues to doing projects together. I'm sure the continuation of this process should be obvious.

This idea is true with the inverse as well. Those who desire to be excellent in their lives are those who think about excellent things. Michael Jordan certainly wasn't content being in 2nd place. He is insatiably driven to be the best at what he does. Michael Phelps doesn't casually swim when he competes; instead, his goal is to execute so perfectly that no one else in the world can do what he does.

All this said, I considered what the application is in my life. Then I immediately thought of this small speck of dust that I have aptly dubbed "think." And, as weird as it is, I think about what I think. At first I felt kind of proud and stuff cause I was finally doing something right for a change. That I was doing something healthy and loved doing it at that. Then I got incredibly challenged once I realized the biblical application of this principle of thoughts:

"Finally, brothers,
whatever is true
whatever is noble
whatever is right
whatever is pure
whatever is lovely
whatever is admirable, —if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. " Philippians 4:8


I don't think I "think" about any of those things. I just complain. In fact, I just highlighted how easily filled my small mind is with dumb stuff.

Yet there is hope. Because, gracefully, God doesn't need overly qualified people in order to use them. Instead, He calls on those who are simply willing.

And the rest is all Him.

Contemplate

I find myself wrestling with God right now.

In my head I know I should pursue Him.
I know full and well that He is the satisfaction.
He is Life.
He is Peace.
He is Provision.
He is Love.
He is Enough.


So why do I find myself so easily filled with lesser things?

Finally some time

It hasn't been intentional.

Well, some of it has. But largely unintentional this absence of mine. It's intriguing really. When I go several days without journaling, it feels as if there's this build-up of stuff in my head. Not necessarily a traffic jam; more like a clogged up drain (liquid and still go through...you just want it cleaned up ASAP).

Part of my reservation for getting all this stuff off of my mind is due to the fact that I'm coming to some scary realizations with Glorie and stuff. Maybe it's just this dense head of mine allowing all of this to just now seep in, but I think I understand now that it may not be entirely probable to fulfill this "vision" of mine to reunite our families. As it stands now, our hearts are just in completely different places. We have truly reached an impasse (not a disagreement) and it seems that both sides are firmly set in their ways. Perhaps in the future restoration is a possibility but right now it's terribly unlikely.

Which is still what bothers me a lot. I don't know how all of this can be worth it to them. I understand the whole logic of they were doing what was best for Glow. I don't contest that at all in fact. Rather, the question that keeps being avoided is what if they could still act in Glorie's best interest without sacrificing our families' relationship? If that was a genuine possibility (which it was) why was it not pursued? But oh well. "Let's let the past be the past" seems to be the flavor of the month.

Looking forward, I've been really convicted of late. How much do I really love Jesus anyway? There's a passage we went over in detail yesterday that I love. Matt 7:13-14

13"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. 14But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.

The compelling thing about this verse is that the "wide" gate is a pretty comprehensive way of describing how many people live life. Leaving college, I can recall a countless number of students who had a beer in one hand, a beer in the other, and have no regrets "living it up." And, in fairness, I would heartily agree that all of that stuff can seem like it's more fun. Therefore, what incentive would anyone have to change the whole hedonist mentality in the first place?

Interestingly, on the other end of this, I have found that traversing this narrow road has often times led to loneliness. There's certainly joy/gratification along the way, but there have been stretches where I've seriously questioned whether or not all of this persevering were worth it. I suppose this is the whole point. The narrow road's destination is Life. But will I choose it?

Digesting all of this, I think I've found a way to summarize it into a nice, succinct challenge. Beautifully, this is a challenge that both Christians and non can investigate mutually. It's summed up simply as this:

Is Jesus Christ worth following?

And for me, He is.

teased

Occasionally someone will call me when I'm at work.

I can talk on the phone and everything while I'm at work, but as it turns out I'm usually away from my phone when someone calls anyway. Today was one of those days. I got a call from an area code I didn't recognize. I googled the area code to see where it was from and, to my surprise, I discovered it was from Tampa.

I started thinking about whom I knew in Tampa (no one). Naturally, this eclectic mind of mine make the connection that perhaps out of nowhere, Ryan would try to call me. The odd thing is, I was thrilled at the notion.

I no longer view Ryan with any sort of disdain or angst. Instead, after writing my emails to him, I've found a greater sense of compassion toward him. The misnomer in this whole ordeal is that Ryan is a Christian. Everyone is entitled to believe whatever they may, but, when asked very specifically whether he was or not, I got a non response. Instead I got alluded to Christian vernacular "I've had to pray much about..." "his faith is growing..." So, I cut the excess. I identified, very clearly, what fruit Christians should bear (Galatians 5). I highlighted how he failed to demonstrate any of the characteristics toward me. In light of this, I asked very simply, "are you a Christian?"

After the non response I had peace taking it for what it is (someone who may not know). I thought about the best way I could respond to someone in that situation and I settled on the truth that perhaps the best thing I could do is simply be available and non-judgmental. I've tried very much to be both of those things and don't know how well received I've been (how can I know if there's no dialogue?).

Which is why I was thrilled at the prospect of him calling. Even if all he did was call to call me names I never even knew existed. Because that would mean that at least I'm on his mind--which equates to a level of curiosity--which will lead to questions.

Which I would love to be available for.

the drastic contrast

there we were.

We had just finished a world record 50 minute break down of the living room set. The living room, by the way, is the college ministry's weekly gathering for people in the midtown area. We were celebrating and high-fiveing each other with our awesome put-everything-back-in-the-truck skills. Not a single face was without a smile.

This was with good reason too. Prior to this momentous occasion (remember, our tetris skills enabled us to finish packing everything up in record setting time), we had a great night of worship. Kristian Stanfill rocked the Biltmore with his raw energy. Brad delivered another message in his unique, smile producing manner. In all, hearts pointed toward God as He blew our minds away. There was reason to be happy tonight.

But then I started heading toward my car. I thought about the drive and was just happy all the way around when it started to happen. The contrast to my night that I'll never quite forget.

I heard screaming. A woman screaming and crying at the same time.
Then I heard a man angrily reprimand the screaming.
The unmistakeable sound of skin hitting skin soon followed.
Then more whimpering.

This memory is so vivid to me. I hope I'm perpetually cognizant of the fact that as wonderful as life can be post relationship with Christ, there is an equally intense feeling of brokenness for some people who feel hopeless.

This Christian faith was always meant to be shared. So why don't I?

Friday Night Thoughts

I'm learning.

It's slow and it's ugly but there's progression. Much of the past week has been spent (what else) thinking through "the situation." I truly desire for all of my close loved ones to learn from this story. I hope it's evident, from what has happened, that people will really do anything to secure what is important to them. If it's money they'll show it. If it's Jesus they'll show it. If it's recovery they'll show it. The actions will be evident of what's important to them; even if they don't measure the cost of attaining it.

I suppose we'll enter a phase where we don't talk with each other. The sentiment being that they have already done everything that they need to in order to set the relationship right. If anything, I am the one holding back the restoration of the families due to my unwillingness to just "let go." I just wish I knew how to let them understand that to let go would be to trivialize the driver of the destruction. There can't be foundational relation building until there is mutual understanding of that truth. Yet in the end I suppose it will reflect poorly on me. No fair.

I still find it shocking that, as Christians, drama can escalate to the level to that of soap operas. If the creed of Christianity is to be taken seriously, there should be perpetually submission to God and each other. In humility, there should be a discovery of the prevailing love that won us over when we yet knew of Christ. The same regard should apply here. With people, drama is common. Yet we, as distinguished children of God, should be able to pierce through the veil of misunderstanding in order to promote unity; not remain distanced due to the inability to lower one's pride. There's no room for self in the kingdom of God.

That said, I have to start being more selfless. I have no right demanding God to make sense of my situation. I have to stop being so self-focused. There is no hurdle that I must jump through that will make this immediately go away. The remedy to the heartache has already come and risen. My joy should be completely proportional to my gratitude for what I have. Each question I have and every emotion I feel is completely legitimate. Yet, are they so significant that they take precedent over the story Christ is telling? It is only if I'm focused on the wrong thing.

I just hope that I'm not the only one trying.

Brokenness

What could be and should be isn't always what is.

That's why we need a Savior.

...breakthrough?

I should be studying right now. I'd rather write.

I've had a hard time balancing different elements of my life lately. On one hand, I'm incredibly excited about the direction of my life. There's a prospective job where I would be doing something that I actually enjoy (helping people + money = helping people with their money!). I'm about to start up another class at Northpoint where I would delve into the New Testament with the same mentors who blew me away with the Old Testament. And, perhaps most important, is that the new season of House is about to start!!

But there's always the other hand. I can't, even if someone paid me a million dollars, stop thinking about "the situation." There has been some progress, but, for the most part, we remain at our impasse. It just doesn't make that much sense to me (the premise our bitter disagreement). They are sorry for the results of what has happened (a break in our relationship) but they aren't sorry for what they did. I have spent a considerable amount of time contemplating as to why they hold so firmly onto this belief. I walk away frustrated every single time. The effects, of course, is that my inability to repair/reconcile the situation has been incredibly taxing. I feel some innate responsibility to fix everything even though that is not entirely possible. I have identified, however, that the reason I keep thinking and rethinking everything is because it's all incredibly important to me. I want to be close friends with Glorie and have close relationships with all in her family again. But...it doesn't mean anything.

Needless to say, carrying this around hasn't been fun at all. It's slowly changed me into a malcontent, depressed being. The problem is that that burdened state is precisely what God calls His kids NOT to be. If I am to take this Faith seriously, I must seriously live the creed of Matt 11:28-30.

But I haven't.

Instead, I've been fixated on being "real" and transparent. In some bizarre way, I thought it would be beneficial to be forth with the fact that I was angry at God for not understanding what I was going through. I now realize, with scintillating soberness, that I've been so selfish. My superficial "be joyful always" attitude has been anything but real. And, in all honesty, who am I to demand an explanation from the One who has suffered 10x more than the tiny amount of heartache I've endured?

I'm starting to believe something different. It is certainly appropriate for me to be torn and broken over the dissension that's still so evident in "the situation." HOWEVER, true faith (that honors God) calls for trust; that despite the confusion and uncertainty of the future, the sadness gleams brightly singularly because of the Hope Giver that champions over us all.

There is true and satisfying joy to be had. It's simply a choice that one has to make. And I have been choosing poorly.

Friday Night Thoughts

I can't believe it.

K.P. and Katie are actually getting married. The whole rehearsal tonight seemed kind of surreal. They were always the couple that people made fun of. The ones so overly "lubby-dubby" and who lacked the vernacular to call the other by a name other than "baby." But, alas when I was standing by all of my cousin's side, I watched Katie march jubilantly down the aisle with a smile wider than the moon plastered all over her face.

Obviously the entire experience tonight conjured memories of my Glorie. I remember attending sunday school with Glow in K.P and Katie's class. Then discussing after service how glad we were that we weren't like them. That we didn't want to be all over each other during the church service. How we didn't have to be together literally every second of every minute. How we didn't fight when they did.

I suppose it's only fitting that they're getting married and Glorie and I are on the most precarious of terms.

Urgency

There's a very unpopular perspective of time that, biblically, Christians are to hold on to.

In Luke 12, Jesus tells a parable about a rich man. Said wealthy person took much delight in all of his belongings (which, in fairness, was probably hard-earned on an honest day's wage). However, malcontent, our affluent protagonist set his hearts on accumulating more wealth and just living easy for the rest of his life. Then God calls him foolish and confronts him with the sole thing he had no control of--time.

I've come to believe that this rich man was simply living the american dream. He would work hard and save a massive amount of money so that he could retire and live an easier life. This is, after all, the sentiment that the current culture seems to broadcast to the majority of working, tax-paying americans.

Normally the common spin on this parable would be not to be so fixated on temporary things here on this earth. While there is value to this, it's important to keep in mind the other invaluable lesson here is to always consider that our time is not guaranteed.

This truth isn't particularly profound. It's not even that hidden; the overwhelming majority of people you will encounter would readily agree that tomorrow is not a guarantee. Yet, with this said, why is there disconnect with this truth and the way that we live? In other words, why is it that we know this and don't do anything about it?

Frederick Buechner perhaps says it best: "Intellectually we all know that we will die, but we do not really know it in the sense that the knowledge becomes a part of us. We do not really know it in the sense of living as though it were true. On the contrary, we tend to live as though our lives would go on forever."

I can say, with certainty, that there is a scintillating difference when you live on the premise of this truth. Every single time I talk with Glorie, I always make every effort to let her know precisely how I feel about her. It doesn't matter whether it creates an awkward moment or a treasured one, I will not be satisfied until she knows.

The reason I'm so fervent about this is due to the fact that I've already tasted what it's like to have time with her taken away from me. While she was sleeping I couldn't talk with her. And when I was told I couldn't talk with her I...couldn't talk with her. Now that I have some access to do so, not only do I lavish all the more with every moment that gets shared again, but I never again take for granted what I had.

Now if I could only approach life as a whole the same way.

I'm not dead

I was originally planning on journaling some thoughts that had been swimming in my head for several days now. The same thoughts that have been going on for awhile.

There has been an update. But, tonight it doesn't seem wise to share.

Therefore, I suppose this is a to be continued.

It's simple really

Faith as it pertains to Christianity all boils down to one simple question:

Is God trustworthy?


My "eureka" moment came during the daily clean cycle of my chewing devices.

Thought Jot

What's on my mind right now? In order of recall:

- I LOVE the show how it's made! It's so cool how they recycle tires!
- Why didn't Myriam call like she said she would? That jerk.
- I wonder what Tita Maricor wants.
- I need to clean my room.
- Will I get a job? All this interviewing and still nothing -_-
- I hope I get to know Kristy better. I hope she knows I don't think she's fake.
- I wonder how my small group is doing.
- I wonder how Summer Gathering went tonight.
- I should probably be praying instead of writing.
- What if I just wrote out my prayer?
- What's Glorie doing..
- I can't believe I lost in madden.
- I want to get on a plane right now.
- I wonder why Politically Jen didn't return my call?
- I don't really know why I'm writing this right now.

I'm in a weird mood.

Friday Night Thoughts

There's been a lot going on.

I just haven't felt much for sharing anything. Well, I have. But I preferred to have it inside my head.

It's a lot. And I carry it much of the time (needlessly). But I'm wired differently. And I think about everything.

One thing that got reiterated to me this week was one of the common perceptions of Christianity today. I read about this previously with the book "unchristian" and tuesday I heard from the author of a book called "they love Jesus but not the church" which, apparently, concluded many of the same things. Sadly, three things are uniform when it comes to non-christian views of christians:

1) They're judgmental.
2) They're arrogant.
3) They're hypocritical.

I thought about it, and I would agree that many, many Christians are this way. I only have to look at my own life for examples.

Time and time again I try to fit people into little boxes that I have made for them. If I perceive someone to be a certain way, I will keen in on certain traits that I expect them to have. Or I may try assuming that they'll only act a certain way. Basically, I will cast expectations on them without even doing proper due diligence. What a stupid thing to do. I would be wise to learn that people are people--and differences among them are to be celebrated.

This goes hand in hand with another awful truth about me--I think I know everything. Often times I will charade with this false sense of security pretending I know everything there is to know about many avenues of life. I don't think it's a stretch to say that I may have a sprinkling of knowledge about some things, but not nearly as much as I think I do. The sad thing is that as a result of this attitude, I instinctively create this "I'm better than you" aura if I sense that you're even slightly less intelligent than me. Another stupid thing to do. It's cliche, but it's so true--truly wise people are the ones who completely understand that they know nothing at all.

The thing that bugs me most about my hypocrisy is that it's awful. I gladly boast about how much I love Jesus (which I really, truly do), but my life doesn't consistently tell the same story. I wish I wanted to pursue God as much as He pursues me. But, there is hope--life change happens in the smallest of increments.


This is not to say that I've never been on the receiving end of these Christian misperceptions either. I need look no further than last year for evidence.

Judgmental ("You're doing nothing but destroying our reputation")
Arrogant ("We're just doing what God wants us to do")
Hypocritical ("You'll always be the son I never had")

Whatever.


All of this simply goes to show just how truly curious God is. As children of God (as we can claim to by the bible), we should be the opposite of all of these things.

We are champions of grace because we have been judged the most impartially (2 Corinthians 5)
We should be among the most humble because we realize there's nothing for us to boast about (Philippians 3)
Our lives should be congruent with our work which should completely eliminate any possibility of hypocrisy (1 Thessalonians 4)

All of this is to point to the universal truth that we, as Christians, should never lose sight of. That God is not some impersonal, foreign God who is impossible to please. That instead our Savior has a face we can know and loves us a ridiculously large amount. And that the intersection of our depravity and His purity is precisely what makes life so fulfilling.

It's time

I think I want to explore life outside of this Christian bubble.

Not a renouncement; rather, a faithful step forward.

Saturday Morning Thoughts

I swear I am the most stubborn creature on this planet.

Lately, I've been on a little cloud of "I'm better than you." It's curious though. This arrogant mindset is not something that I intentionally do. Rather, it's more of a subtle, discovering-how-prideful-I-am-after-the-fact kind of aura.

For instance, I was at a local video game store doing some of my regular game purchasing. Eager to showcase my financial prowess, I never fail to use some sort of combination of coupons to acquire my beloved games for as little as possible.
My cashier, perhaps unfamiliar with my radical money saving methods, had trouble inputting all of my discounts correctly. When she totaled my transaction, I found a mistake. I contested that she didn't do her job. She insisted that she did.

I turned on my vicious, I-am-determined-not-to-lose-an-argument switch. I didn't berate her or anything, but I took this stupid matter of proving that I was right to a personal level. In the end, I got the extra 10% discount, but I really lost the opportunity to demonstrate patience and gentleness.

Saving money is in no way a bad thing. However, in this particular instance it came at the expense of someone else's feelings. Because in my pursuit to get what I wanted, I, by proxy, put someone else down to do so. And what was my ultimate payoff? About $2.13.

I felt convicted immediately upon my drive home. For as all I sing/say/do about how Christian I am, I had a golden opportunity to showcase what Christ is really all about and failed--miserably.

I don't think Jesus would've been glib were He in my situation. As if He would casually say, "Oh you did do all the discounts already? That sounds wonderful. I will go and enjoy my previously purchased wii titles now." That's fake Jesus.

Rather, I think Jesus, in His benevolence, would realize quickly if saving some extra money would be worth the long term payoff of sparking intrigue in the God of the universe. If losing an extra 10% means, at the very least, perhaps just planting a seed for long term curiosity, then the payoff is well worth it. But I didn't think so. Cause I wanted what pleased me.

Humility isn't about valuing yourself or your ideals any less; it's simply being more mindful of others' need more than your own.

Thought Provoking part II

One of the most insightful questions you can ask anyone (or yourself) is simply this:

What is the most important thing in the entire world to you?
Your life will involuntarily flow around your answer to that question.

Thought Provoking

I was watching harold and kumar 2 yesterday.




I didn't really think it was that great of a movie. Plain over the edge comedy if you ask me.

Anyway, there was a scene in the movie where the duo end up going to a brothel. Although I was supposed to be amused by the sex humor, it actually got my mind going in a different direction.

I wonder if Jesus would go to a brothel?

I don't mean that in a cynical, sacrilegious kind of way. But, honestly, would Jesus go to a place like that? The bible tells of countless stories of all the people He hung around with that were looked down upon by society, but seriously would He? He befriended prostitutes, but did He ever go to their work place?

What really started getting my mind going was considering what the reaction would be like if I entered a place like that. Imagine the scandal!

But seriously, if Jesus would very much enter a brothel simply to show those women that there's a better life to be lived, why can't current christians? Why would there be so much backlash if they did so?

Friday Night Thoughts

In the end, I'm finding it easier to smile.

It's incredibly difficult. It's mentally exhausting. But, I'm slowly recovering. I'm eating more now (which is a good thing?). I'm sleeping a little bit better (although when I first lay my head on my pillow, I think about the situation every single night). But, there is light--and it's incredibly bright.

I've stated that it would be so convenient if I could just wrap a big bow around this story and sprinkle some Disney magic to make this thing happily ever after. But, I'm starting to believe more and more, that that bow will never be a reality. This is not in and of itself a bad thing per se; yet it speaks loudly to the reality that everyone, for the large part, is comfortable with the way things stand. I hate where things stand. I want unity. I want communion. I want restoration and clarity. But does anyone else want it?

My parents know how I feel about this, but they long for my heart to turn and accept the reality that the friendship between our families is no more. I wish I knew, with certainty, how they counter party felt. But that hope seems to dissipate daily. I haven't talked to the sister since last year. Likewise with the father. And with the mother it's been more than 6 months. Maybe they feel the same as my parents. Who knows?

One thing I've been holding to is a principle I've learned throughout this whole situation. Many people believe that "everything happens for a reason", but after the fact many resign and sit content never quite knowing what said "reason" really was. That is, if everything happens for a reason, what is the reason?

Since I'm such a big believer in the Christian faith, I naturally turned toward the bible for answers to the question "why?" Now, I'm also a big believer in people being able to make the bible say anything that they want. So, with great trepidation, I rely on the Holy Spirit making simple to me what message God may be trying to communicate to me through the bible as well as devotion to prayer and consultation of wise council. That way, I ensure the greatest level of objectivity before I start saying ridiculous things like "I heard from God and He wants me to do [x]" and thus wildly misrepresenting my Savior.

With that said, I have found the most curious of trends echoed all throughout scripture. Plain and simple is the thought: "We see things on a small scale whereas God works on a scale bigger than we can imagine." Typical Christian adages would go something along of the lines of "When we see the seed, God sees the apple." I like to say (and this is taken from Louie Giglio), when we are staring on our 4x6 or 3x5 snapshots, God is looking at a canvas that's as big as the universe. In a nutshell, God works BIG--and sometimes we fail to keep that in perspective.

Yet that lesson is far too easy. I've found something far more profound just by digging a little deeper. That thought is precisely this: God is completely willing to let His children endure hardship if, on the bigger scale, it means people find salvation.

Joseph had to endure hardship (brothers selling him off?) so that the nation of Egypt might be saved.
Paul and Silas got thrown in jail so that a simple roman guard would find salvation.
Job, aka Mr. Suffering, endured all sorts of calamities so that to prove to all generations the incredible power of faith.
Then there's Jesus. Whose hardship meant that everyone had access to Life forever and ever.

On a small scale, I believe that perhaps I am going through the same thing. I have heard whispers of many close to Ryan finding salvation in Christ due to the closeness of their friendship with the Santos family; a reality that wouldn't have been had things transpired the way that I hoped. And as much as I wish I could say I find joy in that, I can't cause I don't. However, I am smiling. And I do think God is crazy. Yet I can say, with certainty, that I receive God's decision if that ended up being a portion of His greater plan for my life.

With this said, I can't even start to imagine whose life God will touch with the hardship that Glorie has had (and continues to in a sense) endure. There is just a fountain of potential when I view her life. I surely hope I have the honor of being able to continually remind her of the lives that have yet to be touched as a result of her story. I believe that there is beauty yet to be realized and man will it be awesome.

So, I guess after a year I still find myself in a big mess. And, well, that's not that bad of a place to be.

The Desire

What frustrates me most is that I'm misunderstood.

What have I done to warrant such distrust? Where have I been so inconsistent that I must be distanced? Why is it that every single move that I make must be second guessed and meticulously examined? All of these questions linger because they have never been addressed.

Last year, all I did was propose that Ryan may or may not be doing his great acts of service out of his love for Glorie. Prior to this accident, they would have known each other for 2, maybe, 3 months tops. My contention was that it was highly improbable for him to "love" Glorie the way that he was being championed for doing. How could he? They barely knew each other.

I would agree heavily that much of his actions were certainly because he cared for Glorie. However, at what cost was this service? Is it possible that Ryan was doing everything he could, not only because he cared much for Glorie, but also because he wanted to gain esteem as well? That is, was it plausible that Ryan wanted to be "the one" not only because of his concern for Glorie's well being, but also because his service would cement his status as Glorie's boyfriend? The possibility seemed completely legitimate and all I tried to do was caution the family of the danger therein.

Fast forward to now, and apparently Ryan is "completely out of the picture." I treaded lightly while trying to investigate the matter, but discovered quickly that the fallout that must have happened is still quite painful for all parties involved. Therefore, my question remains "what cost is this relationship expensing?"

In fairness, much praise given to Ryan is warranted. Because of his unique occupation, his unrivaled flexibility allowed accessibility to their family. The fruit of that was a very critical role in Glorie's recovery process that perhaps only He could play. In essence, it is reasonable to believe that Glorie's family may not have been able to support Glorie as completely as they did were it not for the way Ryan allowed them to. I see the importance in this.

However, where I contrast greatly with many minds involved in this matter, is the definition of the term "importance." I am not quick to attribute success in Glorie's recovery mostly to anyone. It is my judgment that Glorie is the woman that she is today due to the combined support of countless individuals. If anyone is to be praised more than another, it is simply the Healer who has singlehandedly saved Glorie in the first place.

There are people in Glorie's church who prayed night and day for her. There are little ones whose simple little visited provided enough inspiration to push through the next day. There are unheard stories of how simple news of Glorie's wellness would encourage and build faith in another (to glorify God). All of these, as well as many whom I am certainly omitting, were equally as important in Glorie's recovery as Ryan's service to her. In this story, there is no room for exaltation and rejection. The only thing that matters is faith expressing itself through love and prayer. Yet, as it turned out, one person was filtered away; commanded to yield simply because they had to respect that it was "their time."

If there's anything Matthew 7 teaches us, it's that anytime someone starts pointing the finger at someone else (and how wrong they are/were), they better realize that there are many more fingers pointing back at the flaws of the said finger pointer. As passionate as I was about the unfairness in the situation, I had to ask myself where my compassion was. In other words, was I acting like a religious hypocrite or was I reflecting the Jesus who loved me even when I erred?

So, I took the initiative of writing to the man. I discussed how there had been great misunderstanding between us and basically reached out in an effort to quell any tension that had arisen beforehand. This letter of mine was met with none other than an even greater threat against me. Not to be dissuaded easily, I wrote back again. Before sending I meticulously examined my letter for any poorly worded phrase always conscious of how my tone was perhaps coming across. Content with the extremely approachable wording in the revised letter, I made a 2nd attempt to reach out to Ryan. This was in February. I have yet to hear anything back from him. But who knows. Perhaps he's making sure he's careful with his words in much the same way I was with mine. True love always gives the benefit of the doubt...and I'm willing to do so with him.

Everything I've said merely draws a point. In much the same way I'll never be able to completely identify just what it was like for their family to experience all that they've had to endure the past year, they will never be able to completely identify with what I've had to endure as well. My proposition is for them simply to consider whether or not it's possible for Glorie to be every bit the woman she is now without Ryan playing a lesser role than the one he played last year. If it were, and it could spare all the hurt I've endured and, to a much more important degree, salvage the relationship between our families, would they pursue it? In essence, if there were any other way, would they take it?

But the answer is no. They would choose to do everything the exact same way.

What does one do with that?