finding time to write more

One of the things I was kind of surprised with was who greeted me for my bday.

Lee was the first one (at a stunning 230 AM text message. I was sleeping but her thing woke me up and I didn't mind. I'm not sure whether or not it was planned or anything but I was quite honored that she would remember me. It wasn't anything special either just kind of a thing.

Then the slew of text messages and facebook postings followed. It's quite a warm feeling knowing that your life is meaningful to other people. I responded to everyone who texted me and eventually got back on fb just to respond to everyone on there too.

Then there was the one and only Ms. Porcupine [KT]. I knew heading into my bday that it would be unwise for me to expect anything one way or another so I was real guarded not to get my hopes up for anything. The weekend came and went and I didn't receive a text or phone call from her. Nor did I get a fb message. So, the last logical thing was to perhaps see if she would pay me back with my own medicine by leaving something for me at my house.

Nope.

I wasn't mad or offended or anything that she didn't so much as greet me...but it did kind of confirm that I, in all likelihood, don't mean a thing to her. It's quite likely that she's "moved on" from me...but what does that even mean in the first place? If we were never in a relationship, then she would have nothing to move on from. But, if we were good friends as our story is supposed to have gone, isn't it reasonable to believe that she would've done something?

I keep wanting to give her the benefit of the doubt (maybe she was busy? perhaps she had a special gift and wanted to give it to me in person?), but kind of gets me down. I don't mind living with the reality of knowing that she means more to me than I do to her...but it'd be nice to mean something to her. Even a little text message would have been great. But, when something isn't important to someone, it tends to get pushed to the side; and I guess that's my new home in her life.

Presents wise I did score a new camera! I even showed Praise to her grand content. I didn't really get anything from anyone else (Sam got me my favorite trident) but I'm still pretty content. The old mantra goes "the best things in life are free" and I can honestly say that's true with me this year. It would be nice to have new clothes and new shoes (and maybe even a brand new Babolat Pure Drive GT) but even more meaningful than that are the hand-written cards from Ms. Fortich. As well as the voicemail of Tita Christy and Lola Rochelle singing happy birthday to me via voicemail.

When you treasure that which satisfies, the delight is that much more intense.

finding time to write

Where to start?

I celebrated my birthday in Florida with my family. It was pretty nice. Originally I was planning on throwing a party and inviting a bunch of people (I haven't done this in so long), but chose not to this year (again). Same reason as before--why draw attention to myself? So, I just took Ethan and Jessica to Disney. 'Twas grand.

We ended up staying at AKL. I always heard about how awesome the place was but got scared by how much the rooms were. After staying there for a weekend, I think that the prices of the lodge can be justified once in a lifetime. There's just something special about waking up with a giraffe in your backyard. It's awesome.

Unfortunately it rained the full day we stayed. Friday was gorgeous. Sunday was beautiful. Saturday wasn't meant to be. So goes my life. Jessica and my parents were pretty tired by the middle of the day and I was tired of being the only one with energy. The next time I take a trip I'm definitely taking a friend. I did get to try out the new Toy Story ride though. That place was amazing. And I felt awesome because I broke 6 digits my first time on the ride.

I saw Myriam and the Santos while I was down there. Myriam has a lot of skill conversing with young people. As does Praise. I learned that conversing with a 4 year old doesn't mean dumbing down your vocabulary. But, the richest conversations with kids stem from having a genuine interest in what they have to say without expectations...just like one should with any other person. The trick is viewing them as just another person instead of as just a kid. What a thought.

I'll write more tomorrow. I'm sleepy.

ogred

I guess you get what you ask for.

Very weird day today. I've been getting blacklisted like crazy but whatever. The weekend will come soon enough and sunny florida should provide much excitement.

Huzzah!

not again

I would give $100 to be able to turn into an ogre.


That way I could just repel everyone and have alone time.

weekend writings

Finally some time to process.

I was able to play musical chairs with the shift scheduling. It took some pulling of strings and some repaying of favors owed to me, but when it came down to it I got it done. It was kind of weird. But it kind of validated the notion that all it takes is a few phone calls and some creative finagling to get something accomplished. It really is all about who you know.

I ended up riding with Captain Teri down to the tennis match. She was a hot mess because she was nervous. Then I said "dood will you chill? You're even making me nervous and I'm as cool as they come." It made her laugh. Then she wasn't so anxious. Good first sign.

I anticipated the match to come down to line 5 and sure enough I was right. Vivian and I won our match. Matt and Terri lost theirs (this surprised me). David and Hong won theirs (no surprise) and Teri/Matt got killed (this was the biggest "whattttt!!?>"). So it came down to Kristy and Thomas.

They ended up going to three sets where they lost. It was awful. Both teams were tied 3-3 when all four people started tensing up like crazy. Part of what made K/T so good was Thomas was real aggressive at the net. But, in his tightening up, he started playing very conservative. Then the other team started attacking Kristy and it caused her to make errors. Eventually she made the set clinching unforced error.

Then that look on her face that I'll never forget.

It was the most polarizing image of disappointment. The personification of crestfallen. It looked like she felt like she let everyone down and was so sad she couldn't pull through.

But I couldn't have been anymore proud.

She played so well. Hitting very solid groundstrokes all over the place. Then even at the net her skills were tested and flourished when she finally just let go and just reacted. She even had some killer volleys! I was so happy for her. I would've given anything to just hug her in that moment. It would've been the only way for me to let her know that she had nothing to be ashamed of.

I feel like inside, she knew she played her best and she knew she should hold her head up high. But any sort of affirmation would have gone such a long way for her. And, in fairness, everyone on our team did such a great job doing such afterward. Everyone hugged Kristy and Thomas and our whole team just came together with positivity in the end. It was awesome.

I hugged Kristy and everyone else. It was special to me. Still.







Then sunday came.

I was doing west cameras and thought I was doing some straight up professional work. Then the director changed all that. He didn't like anything I was doing. I couldn't understand why but it was what it was.

I had two options--do whatever I wanted and just keep going or just do whatever he wanted despite how menial the requirements were. I chose the latter even though it was like pulling teeth.

Eventually I realized that sometimes what makes you grow as a person is a willingness to simply obey. Even when you know better or are straight up better than someone else, giving them the grace of obedience goes a long way.

Hopefully this seed will bear fruit at some point in the future.



Then I played tennis for 4 hours today.

sometimes the weird days happen

Yesterday was kind of strange.

I never really understood ash wednesday. It marks the beginning of the Lenten period but I don't understand a lot of the traditions. The ash on the head? The fasting? If these are supposed to be meaningful, wouldn't it make more sense to do stuff like that continually? Why wait until one day out of the year?

I guess that makes it more meaningful as well. Meh.

man not again

I traded yesterday.

Yesterday evening was supposed to be devoted to reevaluation and contemplation. Instead I chose to play tennis. I hit around with my team for a good bit and stuff. Then, I got to play with Phuong.

Talk about humility.

All this time I thought I was getting better. Then I just got owned. Not even owned. Just straight up PWN. We played a set and I lost 6-0. The best I could muster was simply extending the games to deuce. I didn't play my best, but it was so great seeing how I need to step off my high horse and realize that I need to work on my game more if I want to be truly great.

Then of course came seeing Kristy again.

I get so extremely happy just to see her. Even though our conversations now are nothing more than hello I still light up a little bit because of her value to me. But, it's kind of weird because I don't really know what I should to to act around her. I try "just being myself" but that doesn't yield anything. I'll smile and try and act like my playful self but she doesn't seem to be amused with me at all. Yesterday the best I could muster was a little joke and she quaintly responded, "you're lame." I try texting her now and then just to be "normal" but, again, no interest.

It really is a terrible feeling.

Now I find myself in the most precarious of situations because I've spent a considerable amount of time this morning just thinking about her. I talked about it yesterday with Myriam about how dumb it makes me feel. She did the usual readjusting of the lens, but I think it was helpful to know that it's ok that I STILL miss her.

And, the more I'm able to objectively survey the situation, the more things become obvious to me. She means a lot to me. I don't mean that much to her. It is what it is.

craziness

life has been nuts.

I've been meaning to write in this thing for a long time but it's been difficult prioritizing. In no particular order...

- $300 in my pocket. Thank you Beau!

- Slot Machines are the most brilliant invention ever. People just mindlessly allow their money to get vacuumed away by bright lights and sounds. Genius!

- If there's no such thing as absolute truth, then we'd all be right and wrong simultaneously.

- It is arrogant to believe Jesus is the only way to heaven...unless He really is the only way to heaven. Then it'd just be truth.

- You can't help people who don't want your help.

- Not all stories have a great ending.

- Some people are just selfish.

- Digiana's surgery went well!


More detail tomorrow.

tuesday tirade

Eventful.

Started the day getting estimates for my car. Giving grace can be quite a bother at times no? Turns out the lady did over $1000 of damage to my car! Talk about oh snaps! And fittingly Honda gave a CHEAPER estimate than the third party body shop ($11xx vs $14xx). The plan is to meet with the lady tomorrow at 3:30. I'm finishing tomorrow with a check or a newly stated claim. Either way progress gets made tomorrow.

Ended up breakfasting with the Kat Kat. Apparently she needed a reminder of my disturbingly large appetite (my diminutive stature is deceiving). We had splendid conversations as normal and the chic-fil-a was absolutely a treat.

After that was over, I traversed through the rain to Casey and Bernadette's house to see the new baby. She looks healthy enough and slept the whole time. Yay! I got into some pretty deep conversations with Bernadette and started discussing (literally) everything. It was refreshing to be around people who care today.

One thing that was weird was Bernadette asked me what makes me happy. I'm still not completely sure how to answer that question. I think right now knowing that I can give something to someone and it light their face up makes me quite joyful. That and starting to see the fruits of all this hard work I've been putting in make me happy. The more I thought about it though...the more I discovered that real contentment cannot be bought. It must be derived from somewhere. And I think I can say that mine truly comes from God. Not in a "holier than thou" kind of way. But knowing that no matter how screwed up I am there's someone who has yet to give up on me and still loves me more than ever...it's kind of unreal. But it is. Wow.

Ended the night kind of jaded with Christianity. All of my family came over for a planned prayer meeting for my cousin Digi. I played guitar with my aunt and it felt so good just to have the whole family singing. Then it just got awkward.

Tito Tito was asked to speak at the thing tonight and used a lot more time than everyone expected. I'm all for trying to "witness" and tell people about God, but is it appropriate to do so at an event where it's likely that the majority of people may not share the same faith as you? While the accuracy of everything he was talking about was 100% correct, by the time the 40 minute talking was over, everyone was exhausted. It may just be me, but I think there's equally great danger to push people away from God when you talk them to death than there is in "saving" them. Not to mention the marathon prayers that follow thereafter.

The night was supposed to focus on Digiana and her upcoming brain surgery. Yes...God is in control, but I guess I just don't see how relevant it would be to tell people how material things are meaningless when people are crying over the possibility of thursday.

grace grace

It's been a strange 48 hours.

Sunday is what started it all. It began when John Ortberg (a man I've been kind of "eh" about before) talked at my church. He basically recycled the talk he gave to all the small group leaders from saturday but whatever. The message was important nonetheless. God created everyone to play a very unique purpose. People shouldn't try and do things to "get close to God." Rather, people should discover who God made them to be SO THAT the relationship they have with God will naturally develop itself. It doesn't really just unravel all by itself but his premise is solid. I'm reading his book and it seems interesting enough so yeah.

Afterward was my tennis match. Tennis has been a really fickle part of my life. With a great addiction in the summertime with it settling down to an enjoyable hobby of late. I joined an ALTA team and was doing a regular match. However something about sunday seemed kind of off. We ended up losing (something I'm still kinda frustrated with but w/e). But I ended up learning a few things.

The first thing is that obviously I won't win every match. This was kind of hard for me to swallow because I never even lost a set up to this point. And frankly, I could probably beat everyone I played if it was a straight singles match. But humility has a strange way of saying "peek-a-boo!" and showing yet again how much I need to humble myself. My response should simply be that of honoring those I played with and honoring God with my effort--win or lose. Matt Stover did this in the superbowl by pointing at the sky even after he missed his FG. It was kind of confirmation that no matter what happens God gets glory.

Another thing is that I could really be more supportive of Terri. She didn't have the greatest of games and I could tell that her confidence started changing throughout the course of the match. I tried encouraging her but she just kind of dismissed it. It's tricky talking to a partner in doubles. Some words could have great effect and others none at all. I kept trying to plant seeds and I kept my confidence in her but I guess nothing was getting through. After the loss I wanted to just give her a hug and just way that I was happy we tried hard but I knew how badly we both wanted to win. I didn't want to trivialize that. But I just couldn't do anything.

Which leads to the last thing I learned about the match. Despite how much potential talent and gifting I have...I have to come to a discovery where I can't be everything and do everything for everyone. It's quite unnerving because I can figure a lot of things out. But even if I can find an answer...it doesn't mean I can execute. And that's what happened here. I knew that mentally Terri's confidence was out of whack--but what could I do about it? Despite my altruism, this may have been something that she has to go through so that she can emerge a stronger player. It's kind of dumb when you think about it. It's like intentionally taking a step back in order to take two steps forward. Doesn't make any sense to me but it may be authentic progress for someone else. Go figure.

In fitting fashion, my day ended (literally) with a smash. I was parked in a parking lot when a woman, conveniently backing her BMW X5 out while on her cell phone, decided it would be a great idea for her back bumper to meet my right rear tail light.

I still don't know why she thought it would be wise to back her car up without first evaluating whether or not it would be remotely possible for a car to be in an adjacent parking space. Some people are just weird?

I surveyed the situation and looked at her when my face decided to communicate the expression "..really..?" involuntarily. She couldn't muster the nerve to look at me in the face. Then, as she communed with her Korean cohorts, they assessed the damage and deliberated what would be an acceptable amount to pawn off a "kid" like me. Educated in this ordeal, I stated that I was well aware of what my rights were and what I legally had the right to obtain. Then my friend decided it would be all the more hilarious to notify them that he was indeed korean and could understand every word they were saying. I was already PO'd that I was missing the super bowl. This was just kind of adding insult to injury.

But then out of nowhere I was reminded of how much grace I have been shown. And I realized this was an opportunity to show her the same.

I could have called the police for an official report (I didn't).
I could have filed a claim with the insurance company disregarding the woman's situation (she already got into an accident less than a month ago and it had been causing conflict in their marriage) so I didn't.
I could have not been reasonable at all (I didn't).

Instead I just kind of worked with her at her level and we'll see how it goes. It's kind of weird because I don't feel any better than her just because I'm being nice to her. But, my sincere hope is that she'll see the compassion someone paid to her and reciprocate it for someone else.

Cause that's what someone did to me. And look what a difference that has made.

Oh snaps!

Weirdness.

The day started with me getting pulled over on the way to work. It was one of those small residential roads that are dimly lit. I was just minding my own business when I saw passed the po-po. Suddenly I knew (uh-oh). Pulled over and was the most respectful asian boy ever. Thankfully I ended up just getting a warning. It was cool too because this guy was the Lieutenant Marshall of John's Creek. Score!

Most of the morning involved some pretty intense creativity. The DT bar went out so the store was stuck on one bar the whole time. Alex and I were the ones assigned for bar that day. Since she's a lot faster than me, we came up with a system where I would just prepare everything and she'd just finish it off. It worked out great and we laughed. I'm kinda scared with her. I don't know whether or not she has a boyfriend but she's become increasingly more "friendly" lately. I don't really want our friendship to head there so I don't know what I'm going to do. I figure maybe it's best that I just keep being me for now but set the record straight as soon as it starts "getting there."

Later in the morning this one girl gave me her number. She's a regular customer and I'm real friendly and stuff but I never thought she'd be so forthcoming. I wonder what she's up to? Maybe it's just casual and she wants to be friends. But I've never had a girl approach ME. Then again, everything kinda happens backward at this store. I mean, I've been called Tiger Woods by several different people, been told I was "very beautiful", and then been complimented by how pristine my smile is. Oh and of course my infamous stalker. Joy.

Then, perhaps the cherry on my dessert of the day, there was lovely Amelia. You see, Amelia strolled in the store sporting a fabulous pea coat fit for the runway. After she took the tie out, her hair flowed downed in very Herbal Essence-esque fashion. Her smile brightened up the relative gloom of Thursday's sunless drape over the store. I made eye contact with her colleague (I later learned she referred to her as "mom") and wondered what drink I could make them. I can't quite remember what happened, but when Amelia showed me her toy salamanders, I was hooked. I made her kids hot chocolate so fast it set a record.

Anyway, I bring her up because before she left she made sure to come back and show me what she made. Freshly torn from her winnie the pooh coloring book was this picture of a horse painted a crayolic shade of gray. On the bottom there was calligraphy resembling the word "Amelia." She smiled at me and said "I made this for you mister!"

I melted.

I don't know what it's like to have kids but I think I truly understand why they're so precious. Unpretentious and transparent, they embody an innocence that gets lost along the "growing up" phase. I believe that when we see them, we get reminded of one of the things life is all about and fall in love all over again. What a reprieve.

Ended the night with my men. For one reason or another they really look up to me. I simply taught a bunch of the stuff I went through from Oct-Dec and they soaked it in. It's a really weird feeling to be the youngest person leading a group of older people. But I guess that's one of the ways God works. Uses the most unconventional of methods to accomplish the most extraordinary results. I don't know whether or not they'll implement a lot of the stuff I left them with...but I guess that's ok. I'm not accountable anymore.

Spent more time thinking about the various things in my life tonight. Everything from Kristy to moving. I think I'll give it a night before I write more about it.

one of those weird days

Life.

- Only an hour and a half until I lead some guys into scary, scary waters. I've been through a lot--but now it's time to leverage the journey for other people's benefit.

- Received an email today from someone I haven't talked to in a really long time. Good to hear from them but don't know how to handle that relationship either.

- More job propostitions are coming in. It's looking more promising. I didn't get the one that would've moved me overseas...but it's nice to know that I'm not at the bottom of the hill anymore.

- Philosopher A. Keys says it best, "some people think that the physical things define what's within. I've been there before but that life's a bore--so full of the superficial."

- Go Andrew Garcia!!!!!

- I may be crazy but I think one of my talents may be cultivating. HAven't explored this full on but it's getting there.

- Biloxi here I come?

late night thought

As hard as I've tried, there's one thing I can't seem to figure out--what exactly do you do with the relationships that, although once were truly precious, are now awkward at best?

It happened tonight when I thought about Kristy.

The writing is clearly everywhere regarding this woman..

- none of my close friends like her (well...at least what they've heard of how she's treated me).
- she's shown repeated disregard for my feelings.
- she has demonstrated an indifferent attitude toward my interests.
- she's been deceptive regarding several issues in our past.
- she hasn't been nearly the friend to me that I've been to her.


Everyone and their mother tells me to stay far far away from her. But I miss her friendship. Our late night conversations about the weird things that we both enjoy. Our interests in the "other" things. Our ability to laugh during the awkward moments.

I guess these are all things that I could find in other friends. But I am so morose when I reflect on how quickly our friendship has deteriorated. I feel almost as if it's my fault.


I really miss you Kristy.

the to be continued

An interesting two days.

After the crazyness of monday, I supposed it was fitting that on friday I had to work with both parties for an extended amount of time. It was weird. There was tension in the air. There was political correctness. I wasn't as chipper as I normally was.

Instead, I found that I simply worked. And by work and mean work. I did my monkey starbucks chores the best I could. I kind of think that the whole jazz from monday was simply a ploy to get me to work harder and I was a sucker for falling for it. But man if it is that it sure is effective.

One thing I have come to realize is that just because I understand a concept that should be universally applied, I have no right to expect other people to make the same discovery. That is, just because I am able to look in the mirror and see my own faults, I shouldn't expect other people to look at their own mirrors. In fact, I don't think it's that big of a stretch to say that some people live their entire lives pointing a finger out the window into other people's lives and never once looking themselves in the mirror.

And, while that isn't satisfying to me, it's something I have learned to receive.

Another principle I have discovered as a result of this mess is that I am only accountable to God for me. I used to think God owed me explanations for why things happen. Why was I treated this way? Why did this have to happen to me? Why whatever. But what I've come to realize is that I have no grounds to approach God in that way at all. If the belief is that I cannot get to heaven through my own good works (ha!) but solely through Jesus, then there is a flip side to that. By believing that only forgiven people go to heaven would be to also believe that God is holy/righteous and owes nothing to anyone.

So, for me to demand an explanation, would be sorta like a little kid getting angry at their parents for not buying him a toy a target. The parent desires to give the best to the child...but that doesn't mean that the child always understands what's best for him.

The more I delve into this faith the more ridiculous it becomes. Awesome.

better

Had a great day at work today.

Turns out that I wasn't the only one who got feedback and that the opinion regarding me is quite varied among the people. Generally speaking, a lot of people would be just fine if everyone in the store were more like me. Now, I know that's easy since I'm so awesome (j/k?) but it helps to understand that this is probably why I was so peeved yesterday. I was being told something that wasn't true and was almost forced to accept it as truth.

Not much else happened. My dad loved the headphones I got him for his birthday . I won my tennis match. Hooray?

Tomorrow is a new day; and I'm very much looking forward to it.

officially going crazy

I had a very weird day at work today.

Work wise, nothing was that much different than anything else. Same junk as we just served customers and did whatever. Yet, it was as I was finishing allocating the tip money that things became real interesting.

Amy, a fellow barista, came and wanted to converse with me. Eventually discussion shifted as to why I didn't want to work another saturday night again (it will be the 4th week in a row this saturday and will have been the 5th if I got scheduled for next week). I stated that I especially didn't like Mary Katherine closes.

My opinion is simply that often times closers get relegated the really terrible grunt work of the store. It's a lot of cleaning and a lot of restocking. I recognize that there's nothing necessarily wrong with this picture; it has to get done sometime. My biggest problem is that Mary Katherine likes doing stuff on top of the regular closing duties. The extra stuff being chores that won't really count for much in the long term (like cleaning the inside of a cabinet for instance). That and I will usually only get one 10 minute break for a 4-6 hour shift when she's working.

Anyway, all this aside, eventually I voiced some of my complaints and the discussion suddenly shifted to a "let's talk about what fred needs to work on session." Now, I'm the biggest fan of constructive and helpful feedback, but today I just felt like there was a lot of tension in the air about things people wanted to say but just didn't have the balls to do it.

Apparently the biggest criticism about my work is that I'm too slow. That is, I do a really great job at everything that's expected of me...I just don't do it fast enough. This is problematic given that Starbucks is growing more and more concerned about how fast people get their drinks. The concern compounds when you take into account that I don't do the monkey work chores very quickly either.


I got pretty upset the rest of the day. I couldn't make sense of the fact that I was being singled out on the one attribute I was average at. And I don't really think it's fair to hold me accountable at something that isn't a strength of mine. It's like asking a bad typist to step up their game and type faster. Why not instead of working on a weakness, delegate it instead? That is, if I'm not good a typing (but I'm good at editing), just pair up with a good typist while I do all the editing? More stuff gets done and both people don't go crazy trying to do something they aren't good at.


I'm still unpeaceful about this but whatever. We'll see what happens.

the search for satisfaction

Every night, without fail, it comes.

Some nights it's subtle. Others it's incredibly intense. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, I will pause and think about my life. Invariably I think about the relationships in my life. Some time is spent thinking about my friends and family. A considerable amount of time is spent thinking about broken romantic relationships. And the rest is spent wondering what I did wrong.

Why can't I instead think about all the things I have to be thankful for?

I wish I spent more time smiling because of my gratefulness instead of thinking about how confused I feel whenever I see Kristy in person.
I wish I spent more time praying for my friends instead of missing Glorie.

I just wish I was more balanced.

a new day

From a physical standpoint, yesterday was probably one of the worst in my life.

I haven't been getting a lot of sleep lately. Part of this is because of poor time management. The other part is that good ol' Starbucks requires me to be cognitive and functioning at humorous hours in the morning. Yesterday was no exception. The only problem is that I didn't get much sleep the night before. This sums together for one of the worst headaches I've ever had in my life.

I'm not one to get headaches...ever. But this was one of those hangover level, head throbbing, make you want to punch someone in the face ordeals. Nothing helped. I tried eating. I tried napping. I tried praying. I tried sitting next to the toilet. All for not.



But I woke up this morning ailment free. Not to the fact that I was able to do anything on my own, but in full realization that I had been given grace.

Sunday Evening

and I'm still an idiot.

awake

I can't seem to get out of my own way.

the ripple effect

It has been quite some time.

Most of the reason is because I haven't quite been "in the mood" to journal and such. The dissenting minority rationale is because I've been so scared of what would come out that I had no balls to proceed. There have been times where I have sat down, in this trusty ol' chair of mine, to chronicle what has been happening in my life, but I would always stop prematurely. I guess a lot of it comes with the fact that it's pretty difficult to break down everything that's been going on lately.

Work wise, I was dealt a pretty big blow this week when OB10 called me back. I was one of two finalists whom they were considering for one of their positions but I was the runner up. I put my best foot forward, but my interest kinda waned toward the end because it became evident that the position would be more and more sales based the more I found out about it. So, I suppose it'll be starbucks for even LONGER than I originally anticipated. No big deal though. I could have no job at all or working as an elephant cage cleaner at Disney. Selah!

Spritually, I've been very turbulent. I'm not praying as hard or as much as I used to. Nor am I half as consistent with digging in the Word. I've become very lazy with these disciplines and it's truly perplexing why I don't take steps to remedy the situation. I still have those transient conversation prayers with God all the time though. All throughout the day I'll think about Him and just think of whether or not He truly is aware of my life. I think this is probably concerning since it's likely that it's evidence of lack of faith. Oh snapz ):

Tennis wise, I lost my first match this week. Epic failure. /end

Relationship wise, I'm a hot mess. I was able to meet up with Emily this week. It was interesting as this has been the first time we've seen each other ever since she decided to pull that drama act in the summer. We were able to express things in transparency but it still feels unsettled. I think it's because I feel like her apology is fake. But then again, as I was thinking about it, I don't really know how one is supposed to deem an apology acceptable or unacceptable. I think that as Christians, our role is unequivocally to demonstrate the same grace that has been shown to us. And I find that hard...because there's still such a significant portion of me that wants to punch her in the face for her stupidity. But Jesus never punched me in the face for my stupidity...so there goes my logic -_-

Kristy wise, I'm pretty unsettled. I feel so betrayed. So lied to. So disgusted as to how she can be this way. I feel like our friendship has been cheapened and she doesn't care at all. And somehow I know that she will find a way to rationalize things so that everything she did will be justified and I am the one who ends up foolish. But what am I supposed to do as a result of that?

That is, when you keep showing a person grace and they keep running all over you, what is the appropriate response?

A lot of people say I'm wasting my time showing compassion toward her, but I don't feel like that's the case. I think that ruthless grace is such a difficult thing to find. It's not my role to be her everything, but I think one of the best ways I can show up big is to demonstrate first hand what unconditional really looks like. She doesn't have anything close to an example besides me.

But, the problem is, this altruistic virtue is coming wildly at the expense of my own personal well being. Many of my wise council are quick to point that you must be selfish to be selfless. Even Jesus was this way. He wouldn't dare go and do any of His ministry or His discipling unless He Himself had spent time alone (either early morning or late evening) with God the Father. But what does taking care of myself look like in this situation?

I wish I had a fred in my life right now. A quirky person who would randomly call me just to encourage me and let me know that I am absolutely treasured. Theoretically that's Jesus all of the time, but sometimes it'd be nice to not have to dig so deep for once.

I just need a nudge.
a hint.
a whisper.
a text.
a voicemail.
a FB wall post.

some sort of assurance that it's ok to still be hurting for what Kristy did to me. That grace is painful. That I'm not crazy after all.

Cause it really sucks being different all the time.




God, if You're out there, I could sure use a hug right now. I feel like every time I "do the right thing" and act in a way that's obedient to You, I end up broken. And I feel like You don't do anything about it. Whereas a lot of the people who halfway pursue You (if at all) enjoy Your blessings all the same.

...but who am I to question You, Lord? What authority do I have to be suspicious of Your sovereignty? I'm so small. I just wish You'd make Yourself more obvious to me.

I'm having a really hard time following You.

press pause

The thought occurred to me today that rubbing against the grain isn't a bad thing.

It just feels like it all of the time. Part of this tension comes with the dilemma of following Christ. Biblically speaking, Jesus states up front that following him requires going "all in." That is, if you aren't prepared to give up everything to follow Him, then you really aren't worthy to follow in the first place. In fact, He goes to the extreme of saying if we do not hate our father and mother (and even our own life) we cannot be a disciple.

Sometimes I find myself experiencing difficultly articulating why I choose to follow. I can say a lot of political stuff (He died for my sins) and it would be true, but not quite authentic. I feel like often times I'm pursuing God because of how much He has changed my life. Just like any other relationship, the more you're around someone the more you become like them. This is true for better or for worse. With God, it's been extraordinarily better. Not to say that I don't go through drama or anything (ha), but that I'm such a better person now because of my relationship with God. I don't know if this is quite biblical or not, but it is what it is.

All this said, I've spent much of the past week dwelling on the thought of "Who has God made me to be?" I feel like I'm in such a daze right now. I don't have a "real job", the one girl I thought there would be genuine potential in long term has just finished wrecking me, and I'm finding that I'm starting to distance myself with someo f my friends.

I'm just a hot mess right now. And it's weird.

Sunday Night Thought

What business is it of mine if God is or is not working in someone else's life? If God is working in mine, that's profound in and of itself.

progress?

Had the day off today.

It was refreshing. I spent it getting my hair did, playing Batman on the playstation, and catching up with my mom. For a large part of the morning, I spent a whole lot of time just reflecting. Who does God want me to be? Rather, who has God made me to be? Readjusting your focus is all about perspective. If you're focusing on the small stuff, think bigger. If your vision is too grand, stop being a heat lamp and start being a laser beam. Balance, as always, is the key.

It feels like this whole thing with Kristy is like a breakup. Every little thing reminds me of her. I'll be doing something when all of a sudden emotion will violently tug me from high to low. I wish I knew the end of this story. You know, skip through the commercial. But I can't. And it sucks. And although it feels good just being able to say that simply for what it is, I must pay attention to how this is shaping me. Whether I like it or not, my character is being molded. The only influence I have is steering the direction. I want to be known as someone who has extraordinary character so I would be wise to keep that in mind.

I still care for her so much. And as each day progresses, I recognize that it's quite likely that this fall out of ours will not get proper addressing. For her, she will at some point make contact and pretend like nothing happened at all. I wish I could just let her know that I don't want to bring crap up from the past just to live in the past or create drama, but to fully settle things for a more solid foundation going forward. It's just like killing weeds. You can take the top off and make sure that everything is pretty on the lawn, but you run the risk of something triggering the weed to start growing again in the future. The superior extraction method would be to tackle the weed from the root and completely eliminate the threat moving forward. It's so much more tedious and a lot dirtier, but man is it worth it to have that putting green lawn.

That said, one underrated thing happening here is the obvious problem with my faith and the cultivation therein. If I truly believed God and trusted that He really had purpose in everything that I was going through, I'd have so much peace and joy. Moreover, my desire to serve God would only intensify as this would prove just how easily satisfied (and thus easily disappointed) I can be. Instead, because I'm not quite as mature as I'd like, this has done nothing but shown how much of a gaping hole there is in my prayer life. It's convicting. But it's great because I see it as something I can begin working on.

And I guess that's where I find myself for now. Listening to classical music before I wake up for a job interview tomorrow. In a peculiar place where grinning has become a mainstay, I think I'm getting a little better.

And it feels great.

regrettable reality

It's been a rough 48 hours.

Thankfully, not as rough as I can handle. I didn't sleep much saturday evening. Thought after thought ran laps in my mind beckoning me to relive each moment of the evening with scintillating clarity. It's quite unfortunate for the night to have ended the way it did. I don't think either of us wanted things to go the way they did--but they did. I wanted so bad at the end of the night (when I tried to walk her to her door only to be met with more rudeness) to just embrace her with such completeness; as if to imply, "you're still precious to me even in you're foolishness" but could not get close enough to even get the attempt in.

Sunday sucked. I had to serve at northpoint and didn't have the will to. I left rehearsal crestfallen and instead of going to eat breakfast with the rest of SPD crew I just went in my car and stared at the ceiling. Tears followed several minutes afterward accompanied by that all-too-familiar feeling of deep pain. Thankfully I have a handful of true friends who are even at 8 AM on a sunday morning and quick to carry my pain with me (even when I'm stubborn and unwilling to let them). Things got better throughout the day (I totally pwned the guy I was up against in my tennis league and my parents told me lots of stories from their Mexico trip) but night came again and so did my emptiness.

It was easier to focus today. The feeling of being burned wasn't so intense and instead transformed into one of confusion. Why would Kristy treat me this way in the first place? If she's frustrated of being "idealized" as some perfect woman in my world, why not just say so? Is it really necessary to be straight up ugly to me? WTF?

Nonetheless, today was the first time in a long time I prayed so sincerely for her. That God would have mercy on her and for Him to work in her life such that she would find true and everlasting joy even if that meant that I wouldn't be part of that picture. It felt so real to be praying for her. Not because in the end I want credit for it, but because I was sincerely caring deeply for the person who hurt me just as deeply.

Now, at the end of the night, I am in realization (again) that there's so much I have to work on myself. It's kind of silly when you think about it. I gloat on how mature and stuff I am but then can't seem to comprehend the conclusions I made on this very same topic just 4 short weeks ago. Character is a very rare thing to find in people (especially given current popular culture). Do I really believe all of this Christian nonsense? Or am I just saying all the right things given my circle of friends? I believe it's times like these which speak loudly either way.

I guess we're about to see what I'm truly made of.
No. Rather, I guess we're about to see what I'm being made to be.

suck at dating

Chalk another one up on the board!

Just finished probably THE most epic fail of a date with Kristy. I seriously don't know what masochist wiring I have inside to continue to endure such relentless coldness but Kristy is such an expert at it. It's kind of funny too considering I was listening to Black Eyed Peas before we left and i was all like "I'm not so confident tonight will be a good night."

It started predictably. She was tired and annoyed from her day at work and was late getting ready (no biggie). I go to pick her up and am absolutely enamored by how beautiful I thought she was. She walks right past me and gets straight into the car. Then she spends almost the entirety of the car ride talking on the phone or texting while we're driving there. I try to persevere and think good thoughts about our night, but it's pretty hard at this point.

Somewhere along the way, I stop to give her the flowers I bought for her. I was foolish enough to think that something like that would be special for her. After all, they were different and just her color (it was a purple/blue iris surrounded by a bigger version of baby's breath and some greenery). But the flowers ended up triggering a bunch of crap (ugh). She got kind of flustered and started saying how I don't need to get her flowers all the time and how she always feel bad when I get her stuff. I tell her that when you give gifts, it's not about the money that's spent--it's about the thoughtfulness of the gift implied. She gets mor pissed.

We got to our restaurant (Osterio del Figo) when things actually perked up just a little bit. She talked about what was pleasing and not pleasing to her decor wise and we continued to wait for our food. Somehow our casual conversation ended up turning right back to the flower I got her.

This is when the breaking point in the evening came. [It's kind of hard writing about this...because it's so emotionally taxing. How does one continue to purely care about someone when they repeatedly have utter disregard for your feelings.]

She ended up saying something along the lines of:

"Whatever fred. You think you know me but you don't know me. You think I like getting flowers and it makes me happy. I like getting flowers just not from you."

heart = destroyed.



We ended up not seeing the show at the rialto anymore. She wanted me to take her straight home. The car ride was her talking about how bad she felt for what she was doing. I told her that I still think she's wonderful. She said she wished I didn't try so hard. I said I wish I was worth a damn to her. She said she felt like such a bitch. I'm glad I DIDN'T say it's cause she was acting like a PMS-ing idiot.

And so that was my saturday night. I suck at life.

eyes wide shut

sleepy.
awake.
DCB.
church music.
epic.
tennis.
stupid forehand.
dr house.
focus.
can't.
stop thinking.
miss kristy.
how was biloxi.
new investment.
still owe money.
life = oxymoron.

Saturday Night Thoughts

Everyone is upstairs watching the mayweather-marquez fight.

I'm downstairs winding down about to go to sleep. It's not that I have no interest in watching boxing (Manny Pacquiao FTW!) but I really have to sleep since I'm serving at BC tomorrow. The only reason this strikes me at all is that I believe I'm a pretty strange child.

Everyone upstairs is inebriated out of their mind; I've had nothing but water to drink.
Playing poker everyone was having fun cracking jokes and stuff; I just stayed quiet and focused on playing.
Everyone is cheering on the boxing match and has no regard for the time; I have to get up in 5 hours.


I guess I wish I was a little bit more normal sometimes. But then again I'm very happy with the fact that I don't fit in the typical mold of anyone. But I still look for acceptance with other people. I guess it's just nice knowing that that I'm highly thought of even though I'm the chocolate chip cookie that got deformed during the baking process.

Often through the night I thought about Kristy and how much she would approve of my being social or not. But her view of me doesn't define me. Rather, it shouldn't. Yet I want her to think much of me probably because I think much of her.

Blah. I'm a hot mess. No wonder God probably wants me to pay attention to the ME issues more than the THEM issues.

friday night thoughts

oh noes.

The day progressed today and so did my thoughts. One dangerous one in particular surfaced quite clearly.

It is possible (likely even) that part of the reason that I try so hard with Kristy is because I want to receive glory (that's christian-speak for credit or praise) for the story. That is, if she were to ever "come around" and start appreciating me or whatever, it would be because of MY faithfulness and MY patience with her the whole way.

This is entirely contradictory to the creed of selflessness that I aspire to.

The implication being that my relinquishing everything about Kristy to God means that I also take no more credit for anything that goes on in her life. It is an open embrace to the reality that, from this point forward, anything that happens in her life would be her choice and undeniable prompting of the Holy Spirit. Any influence I will have had up to that point would be but one of many factors to a greater story of God.

Crap.

I wanted a Disney type of thing.

friday morning thoughts

Although it was hard to find rest last evening, the merciful embrace of sleep did provide closure.

I think that one plausible direction that all this crap has been pointing to is that there may be bigger issues with me that must be addressed. There aren't any huge red flags about my character per se that merit psychiatric help (or is there?), but it's the culmination of those small, subtle things that really make the difference in a relationship.

In other words, maybe this is more of a fred problem than it is a Kristy problem.

why rejection hurts so much

it's that feeling you get in the middle of the night when the lights are off and you're in bed and your eyes are closed. In the twilight of your consciousness you lay there thinking about them...only to realize that you're the last thing on their mind.

And that's when ridiculous things start happening.

Like tears.

2 in one day!

I feel so conflicted.

On one hand comes all these random thoughts that I simply can't dismiss.
- Above all else guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life.
- In light of my past experiences, my current circumstance, and my future hopes and dreams, what is the wise thing to do?
- The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it.
- Do not merely listen to the word and so deceive yourselves do what it says.

But the other side is undeniable as well.


I've never felt so torn about anything in my entire life. The decision seems obvious but why isn't it easier? Why am I struggling with such a simple issue? Could this be a reflection of greater issues that I need to deal with myself?

I feel so stupid.

under the bridge

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

It was another one of those days today. I had a much needed day off and wanted to use it in a very worthwhile way. Naturally I began the day praying and proceeded to playing the ever-so-wholesome video game Grand Theft Auto IV. I just finished executing Mr. Dimitri Rascalov when I deemed showering (in the real world) a beneficial thing for my day. In the shower, as with all of my great ideas, birthed the brilliance that surprising Kristy in Athens would be a worthy task for the day. Thus the beginning of this story.

Within minutes I formulated my strategy. She would be leaving for Louisiana tomorrow, so it would be quite wonderful for me to bring her a "KT survival gift" as a surprise for her long day today. I would end up packing a bowl of food (she doesn't have time to eat during the latter part of her day), a small bowl of fruit, a whole banana (she loves fruit in general), smart water, moist towelettes and regular paper towels (she has a lot of charcoal on her hands because of her arts and crafts related classes) to wipe her hands with, her favorite pack of gum, and an envelope with a note from me. There's a caveat with the envelope though. I happened to enclose some money in it to assist with a conflict Kristy had with Lee but it was an awful, awful mistake. I was out of place and overzealous with pure intentions and poor execution (seems to be my m.o.).

Eventually I begin my trek up to lovely Athens, GA. It's normally a 1.25 hour drive but today it was pleasant enough to rain. So it was more like 1.45 hours...one way. The plan was to meet around 2:15 or so. I got to Athens around 2 and stopped by publix to buy her bowl of fruit and withdraw the money I was going to put in the envelope. Then, what should've been only a 10 minute drive to campus turned out to be a 30 minute escapade of me getting lost in the rain. Things were not going to plan and of course I ended up calling her and diminishing my surprise visit. Everything ended up more frustrating because she was at a really obscure location on campus (Barrow Hall which is a semi-small building) that I had trouble locating. So, she had to guide me from the parking deck and give me walking directions to her.

This is where the epic fail begins.

There were communication breakdown between us because I would be walking toward her and we would end up being on different pages. I would walk one direction and she would think I was in another place. This back and forth "wait...where are you?" would continue and waste maybe another 10 minutes of time. She started getting annoyed because she went outside to wait for me and started getting wet. The whole time I'm trying to keep optimistic because I'm carrying a bag full of stuff for her. I started to lose hope because she was so clearly flustered with me.

We finally met up and I was so happy to see her. She was amused with me and my smile and looked content enough to see me back. I have her her gifts, explained everything, with which she would smile and say "aww thanks." We spent a total of ten minutes together until she had to go back to her class. Then as I left she sent text after text saying how angry she was with me because of the money I tried to give her to help her situation. Never mind the fact that I tried so hard to be thoughtful and do something as time-consuming as driving an hour and a half through the rain just for her but everything was for not since I annoyed her earlier and tried to help a situation I had no business helping.



My small group says I should find someone who appreciates me more than Kristy.

Only problem is that I truly appreciate her.

expecting the unexpected

There's an old adage that goes "when life gives you lemons make lemonade."

I believe that whoever came up with that had quite a life. Perhaps their perspective had shifted such that they realized that joy does not come from circumstance but instead comes from faith in a better future. For some that's reunion with family or some drug or whatever. For me it's eternity in heaven.

Anyway, the reason this has been noteworthy for me because there's something really rich about knowing how to handle a situation where the circumstances really don't make sense. It's those perilous times when quitting and complaining become all too easy simply because it's extremely uncomfortable not knowing what the future will hold and having very little control of it. I believe that it is during these times that a light shines in the places that we, as humans, tend to mask so well.

There are virtues and vices that will manifest in these times. Those with weak personalities will falter usually and traverse through said "lemon phase" with many bumps and bruises all along the way. What more, people of this nature will be quick to highlight the fact that they had to go through such an enduring period to all who may listen.

The other extreme will go through the same thing, yet every measure of their character will shine whenever the opportunity will permit (which is all the time). They endure the same bumps and bruises that their counterparts go through, but the scintillating difference is that the bumps and bruises are minor parts of a focused demeanor that never loses sight of the fact that things will get better. As a result their personalities never stray far from wonderful.

Although there are many exceptions, and I have noted but a few generalaties, I think the best thing for me right now is to pursue the latter. To quote my boy Moody, "Character is what you are in the dark."

Now if I just knew some good lemonade recipes.

drive time

I wish I could be more comfortable with the fact that I'm a nerd.

That I read a lot and think really weird thoughts all of the time. I wish I didn't think in the background that sometimes I could be "cooler" if I was less me.

I wish I thought I was pretty cool as is.

a moment in contemplation

I'm finding it easier and easier to understand and appreciate the supreme amount of faithfulness God has in us.

I do not understand what makes us act the way that we do. This whole conundrum of giving a person the autonomy to do whatever pleases them certainly encompasses the fact that they could genuinely hurt you as well as give you joy. However, I realize now that were it not for this, there would be no joy to be had when the person chooses you if it were a forced decision altogether.

This alone is a great testament for those who are married (and happily married at that) for generation upon generation.

All this is to say that relationships take work. And, it's awful when one person wants the relationship to work and the other doesn't.

man

I miss her so much.

What I would give to just talk to her right now.

long and lost

Alright. It's time to play catch up.

The last big happening centered around some drama actually. One of the side effects of this tennis addiction has been that I've been able to play with a regular "tennis group." Problem with groups is that, after prolonged exposure, the potential for conflict tends to go up. We played literally every day. The inevitable bump in the road came.

It turns out that I was actually the instigator. Apparently I said some things in a very sarcastic manner that didn't rub off the right way. They got offended but instead of doing something logical like telling me how I hurt their feelings, they decided to blacklist me. Ever the observant one, I ended up telling them how their blacklisting made me feel and suddenly they had egg on their face. Long story short, Brandon and I are pretty much reconciled (which I think is pretty important since he got to see first hand what grace is all about) but things between Hank, Emily and I haven't been the same since. Which, in my opinion, is either a reflection of how shallow of a friendship it was to begin with; or perhaps it's of greater indication of their willingness to tackle difficult issues in their life. Perhaps both. Either way it's a shame.

Work wise, I'm settling into my new position quite nicely. It's a lot of information being able to remember stuff but nothing too difficult. A lot of people say I'm doing very well. I think I just know how to listen. IT's not hard to do the task when you're surrounded by good teachers and I have been. One guy I find hilarious at my job is a guy named drew. Every time I see him I think he's stoned. And it doesn't help that he gives really awesome responses to stuff too. For example:

"So drew what time did you get here this morning?"
"Supposed to be 6:15 but it was more like 6:32ish"
"Oh really? What happened?"
"I couldn't find my keys."
"Where did you end up finding them?"
"In the trash can. I have no idea how they got there."
"sweet."

It just doesn't get more priceless than that.

Kristy wise, it's more of the same. This whole I'm a fish and she's the fisherman. I see the bait and sadly I know the hook is right below it, yet I just can't get over it. It's awful. I tried quitting cold turkey but she started talking to me. It's a really awful place. I'm trying to find places to be grateful just to be her friend, but I find it difficult to either view her as simply a friend or keep myself from realizing that sooner or later she'll use me just for emotional security.

I wish we could just have an honest conversation with each other. If only I could hear her say why in the world she keeps playing around with me. If she wants a close relationship with me, what boundaries is she willing to help me enforce? If she wants to be "just friends" then why not let us be just friends? I hate this whole not talking then all of a sudden asking me out of nowhere to go watch the time traveler's wife with her. Then the whole get into an argument but then ask me to keep her awake while she drives home.

Maybe I'm most frustrated for myself for enabling her. I care about her so much. I just wish it meant more to her. It's pretty weird. She's the only person I have an expectation for my loyalty. I didn't even have that for Glorie when her family was doing all that BS to me. But with Kristy, I want so bad for her to see the fact that friendships like mine don't come so often. Maybe I'm focusing on me too much.

All that aside, spiritually I'm kinda stagnant. I'm not murdering anyone thankfully, but I'm in one of those phases where I'm just kind of "going through the motions." That never goes anywhere with any relationship. I don't know. I have to think bigger picture. I have to pray bigger picture. I want to start living bigger picture.

Again.

survivor

It has been a turbulent ride, but it's over.

Thankfully, and with the help of much grace from the capital G, I have emerged from the weekend. It's kind of neat considering that sunday I actually got to take one of those much lauded sunday afternoon naps. I think mine would have been more enjoyable had it stemmed from leisure instead of sheer exhaustion.

I'd love to journal some more, but I think it would be wise to get some rest before my shift tomorrow AM. I have to get used to waking up really early. Saturday I have to be in at 5:30 AM. As in Ante Meridian. Id est I will be up before the sun starts waking up. Translation: I either have to go a straight 24 hours or start sleeping way earlier in order to preserve my sanity.

Last thing I wanted to jot down before I doze is this continuing observation about relationships. I have discovered that relationships (surprise?) take work; and no one has worked harder than Jesus to maintain/build them. What a thought.

dead tired

my schedule for the next 48 hours:

6:15 AM - Meet for carpool.
6:30 AM - Drive to St. Francis to serve.
7:00-11 - Serve.
12-4 PM - Learn how to make cold drinks at the empire.
5-7 PM - Ethan party
8-? - sleep?
645 AM - meeting for BC production.
7:00 AM - 12:00 PM - Serve.


Not that bad now that I write it out. I just don't have any energy.

2nd day of "work"

I'm scheduled to clock in in about an hour.

Sure, the job isn't glamorous, but then again neither is God; and look how awesome He turned out. As soon as I get rid of this elitist mentality that I'm too good for what I'm doing, I think the sky's the limit for my potential. I could be one of those cool humble leaders. The ones that don't even lead because they try hard; they're the ones people follow because they verify for themselves that they're worth following.

But that's all for later (maybe). For now, it's off to 4 hours of putting an apron on and laughing at how my life isn't quite what I thought it would be a year ago. But I guess that's ok.

And, I really am grateful.

Friday Night Thoughts

It happened when I was driving home.

I had just finished some epic matches with Terri, Anthony, and Van (where yours truly was part of the victorious squad each time). We went back to Terri's house where I met up with Phuong and saw the kids. I gave them all the stuff I got for them while in Toronto (just two hockey sticks and some candy). Of course the other one was there, cooking. It was kind of an awkward exchange but whatever I got the money for my falcons tickets. They pleaded for me to stay for dinner but, knowing it wouldn't be wise, I politely declined.

On the way home, I had a feeling that I knew that they were feeling. The fact that I so easily integrated into their lives but something wasn't quite right due to the fact that no one really knew why I wasn't a more apparent part in the first place. The elephant in the room, of course, is the fact that there's a very poor relationship between Kristy and me now. We can both say the right things and act the right way, but I never can quite recall when being fake was superior to being transparent.

I wish I were able to have a better relationship with Kristy, but I'm slowly conceding that that very issue is no longer within my sphere of influence; that is, if any sort of relationship between us is to be made better, either Kristy or God will have to take initiative because I've literally exhausted all the influence I had to begin with. Moreover, Kristy specifically has to be the one who wants it. And frankly, she doesn't.

So, as I was on my 30 minute journey from Terri's house to my own, I just pressed shuffle on the iPod and just let myself be alone with my thoughts. Instead I just ended up worshiping God. As poor of a parallel as it may be, just as I have yet to give up on pursuing a very deep friendship with Kristy, I don't think God has quite given up on pursuing a very deep friendship with me. Further, my persistent let downs and flakiness don't seem to diminish my value in God's eyes in much the same way I still think the world of Kristy. When you have someone in your life who is so unequivocally for you like that, it's very easy to take that person for granted. I think I understand more now.

I ended my ride with "Your Grace is Sufficient." Oh how I desire to be that mature someday in my walk with Christ. The fact that God's grace is singularly gratifying to me. At the moment, I'm much too immature and too easily satisfied by worldy things (namely Babolat tennis products). But some day, I am confident that my relationship with God will venture out from the kiddie pool.

Until then, I'm grateful to have such a wonderful Person in my life.

relationship building 201

One things that everyone has to come to terms with is that other people in their life (whether closely held or otherwise) will fault them.

That is, sooner or later every other person you're in a relationship with (platonic or romantic) will do something wrong to you. This is not to imply that every wrong will be devastating. Sometimes it will be simply not washing the dishes for the husband. Other times it will be making a commitment to go eat ice cream and not following through on it. All said, it's no real big deal.

Obviously, there are the wrongs that are a little bit more severe. The aforementioned husband may suddenly choose to fornicate with another woman. One's best friend perhaps may speak the sharpest words in the heat of emotion and suddenly cause irreparable damage to the once pristine relationship. Et cetera.

The remedy in any fault of a relationship is dependent entirely on how much one looks out for the OTHER person's best interest and not their own.

Dishes will always be washed when the wife considers just how much of a difference doing something small like that makes to her OCD husband after a long day at work.
Spending 30 minutes to eat ice cream with a friend is no longer troublesome when one takes into account that your presence alone means the world to the other friend (and the rest is just a cherry on top) [pun intended].
Infidelity no longer seems worth it when viewed in context of the lifelong trauma it inflicts upon the daughter who has to be raised by the (newly turned) alcoholic mother who no longer has any interest raising a functional family.
Bitter tongues suddenly learn to tame themselves when suddenly there comes discovery that with losing a friend comes relentless heartache of remorse and guilt from a moment's foolishness.
While these examples are pretty elementary, there are a number of ways I have come to benefit from this mindset at all times.

A very peculiar relationship of mine (we'll just call this one special K for now) always stretches the bounds of this principle. Recently we made plans to spend the whole day together to catch up with each other to simple enjoy each other's company. Said day arrived and she ends up sleeping until late in the evening. Frustrated, I chose to pursue my own interests the rest of the night. She called repeatedly only to receive voicemail greeting after voicemail greeting.

Communication resumed eventually. She expressed she was sorry and accidentally slept throughout the entire day (jet lag you know?) but she was very upset that I didn't return her phone calls. I expressed that I was extremely frustrated with her (she had done this exact same thing to me now on multiple occasions) and did not have the emotional resolve to speak with her at that moment. We were both over it, but she was relentless in highlighting the fact that I could've done a much better job at least responding via text/phone call once I had cooled off.

She was right.

My frustration was justified, but future frustration could've easily been avoided had I simply communicated with her. She had a right to be upset with my stoic front, but had she kept in mind just how precious our day would have been for me in general, she wouldn't have had greater incentive to wake up.

And this awful feeling of our relationship disintegrating wouldn't be a reality.

relationship building 101

Just thought I'd write down something I've learned about relationships.

Relationships, very simply, require two people to both prioritize the friendship enough to want to maintain/grow it.
The best way to grow them is to invest time into it.
However, the time investment comes with the caveat of trust. For without trust, the environment cannot foster healthy growth.
If at any time there is shortfall in any of the above, the relationship will suffer either in the short or long term.

I have found that there is a direct proportion in the level of my friendships when I consider how much I trust the other person. Those whom I trust the most I have the closest relationships with. This makes sense. However, what is frightening is the fact that giving someone an extraordinary amount of trust also means giving them free access to your life. This entails giving them the authority to speak into your life when you're acting stupid and/or giving them the free will to stab you in the back at any moments notice (I can attest to both very well).

Very few people recognize that principle. Fewer still the people who will actually leverage the principal to their advantage.


But it's their loss.

at the moment

sad.

very very sad.

Canadian conditions

So much to be thankful for.

I woke up this morning in sort of an awkward state. My dream was pretty unique. I imagined that a toy ninja had transformed into a killing machine and was ruthlessly trying to kill me. He would throw his sword around and it would hit my hands and deliver a pain so sharp that words simply would not encapsulate the literal surge of nerves telling me something was wrong. I honestly was running all around the house just trying to run from a TOY ninja that had gone haywire. I didn't quite awake in a sweat, but I was totally in a different state of mind to say the least. Then I showered and had spam and dilis-fried rice. Two things I don't particularly enjoy, but when someone has gone out of their way to make room for YOU in THEIR house, likes and dislikes tend to melt away to the superficial realm that they come from.

Then came Niagara falls.

We arrived at the hotel my cousins have been staying at around 10ish. It was quite a resort. Complete with a casino and everything. I was rather envious considering I spent a large part of my night running away from a toy ninja but hey whatev you know. We proceeded straight to the maiden of the mist:



It's kind of a weird experience. Everyone gets in a big tugboat with ponchos on. Then you start seeing why Niagara is such a strong attraction. Within minutes we were within a few yards of the bottom of the falls and man was it incredible! It was hard just to keep my eyes open just because the wind and water was so intense and swirling in every direction. It was such a sight. I've never seen water so relentless in it's fury. It was power truly at work. I mean, there are people who have been known to be ruthless people on earth (Mussolini, Hitler, my bosses from NYL) who would seem to command authority when they simply walk. But none of them even held a stick to the authority that those waterfalls held. I mean there was simply no question who was in charge because everyone knew that it was the waterfall's way or the highway. Wet, we finally docked back on shore.

Afterward we just walked around and eventually found ourselves in a mall. My cousins are a strange group of people. They would complain about not wanting to spend a lot of money on the food at the mall (like $7.xx entrees), but would have no hesitation spending $15 on a shirt from guess just cause it was 70% off. I guess it's all about what's valuable and what's not. I suppose I should just be thankful that shopping isn't a real big thing of mine. I look, determine if I want anything, evaluate whether or not I can afford it, then execute. Simple really.

Tomorrow we go to downtown Toronto and peruse the views from the CN tower. Then, apparently it's off to Chinatown to "sightsee" and probably shop some more. Oh joy.

Still thankful though and thoroughly drained by now. Hopefully I can get glimpses of the spiritual condition of the city tomorrow.

Red leaves and different dialects

Thank the capital G that I arrived in Toronto safely. My plane ride was rather pleasant actually. My seat mate was actually one of the most hairy armed person I’ve ever met in my life, but it’s ok considering the guy was totally friendly. We exchanged pleasantries and the like and I actually am really glad we got to talk.

I got to meet Bernadette’s brother and other family. They’re top notch people. Remind me a lot of my family at home. Someday they should come and visit as well.

Oh, I got ripped off at the exchange rate place. They were giving $0.98 CAD for every $1 USD. Considering that it was $1 USD = $1.10 CAD I’d say that that’s quite a rip. Yet, like a sucker, I exchanged $10 USD at that awful rate. Hopefully I can hit up a bank tomorrow.

Speaking of which, the goal is to go to the notorious Niagara falls tomorrow and spend the entire day there. We should have plenty of photo opportunities. We plan on going on something known as maiden of the mist. Apparently it’s some special thing that takes you right under the niagar falls. According to Mark (Bernadette’s brother), it’s a very raw way to witness just how truly powerful the Niagara Falls are.

I’m thinking it can be yet another way for God to really reveal just how awesome He is.

Guess that’s it for now. I’m pretty exhausted.

an off night

It's a weird night in more ways than one.

I stepped in front of this literary canvas of mine...and have nothing to write. Not that there isn't a lot going through my head (which there is), but nothing special seems worthy of documentation.

I guess it's just more appropriate to just sit back and reflect today.

relationships take work

I had the pleasure recently of reconnecting with a dear friend of mine.

It has been a long time coming, as our last meaningful conversation had not occurred in quite some time. Yet, last week, conversations finally happened and all the gunk that had been built up inside surfaced for examination. It was thrilling yet frightening.

The moment was awkward at first actually. They had been waiting for quite some time and I was soaking wet (fresh from my game of basketball where yours truly was displaying jordan-esque skills). Then, when I was able to freshen up, we were able to finally get to things.

Small talk.
Then pointed small talk.
Then deep talk.
Then hard conversation talk.
Then relieved talk because we finally were able to start understanding one another.
Then where do we go from here talk.
Then happy talk.
Then joyful reconciliation talk.

While that summary was quite poignant, it should be noted that the duration of that dialogue took more than 2 years. That's 730+ days of tears, doubt, and anger among other emotions. And frankly, I had given up on the idea that any reconciliation would occur in the first place.

But, as I discovered, there was urgency on the other person's heart just as much as it was on mine. Which is why I have come to conclude that relationships take work. This is true of all relationships (whether platonic, romantic, or otherwise). Both parties must have some desire to benefit the other partner otherwise the relationship becomes unhealthy (and ultimately, perhaps, broken). But when both are working at it, the momentum leads to a better place. It doesn't always end up as a happy ending, but it does end up getting you somewhere.

And the best friendships get you to a place where you couldn't go yourself.

humility (again) (again??)

This whole transition from NYL has been quite tumultuous.

Officially speaking, I'm still with the company. Unofficially, I'm very much looking at all of my options. I've spent a considerable amount of time looking this past week at either new jobs or at tennis related material. I think it would be absolutely convenient and lovely if I could just become a tennis professional. That way tennis could pay for my living.

Yet, I find that completely unfulfilling all the same.

I'm not sure what exactly is in store for me. For that matter, I'm not even sure what it is that I want to do next. I feel that I'm very talented and will be a very good hire for someone, but I don't know quite what exactly that means. I have a lot of head knowledge in the financial spectrum of things, but I'm not dead set in staying in that field either. I think I'd be equally content doing something else entirely. That has been a blessing and a curse all the same.

Part of the frustration stems from the fact that a lot of my resume is tailored for someone on a path to financial professionalism.

I don't really care one way or the other.

But I think this is where this whole humility thing is being drilled into my head yet again (really now? 2.5 years of the same lesson already?). There's no doubt that God has uniquely gifted me to be able to adapt and do many, many things well; but I have also gloated on those things as a reflection of me instead of Him. As a result, in my arrogance, I have foolishly believed that this transition period in my life would conveniently fall into place without any hardship at all. I mean, who wouldn't want to hire me?

But, instead I'm slowly trying to embrace the reality that I should be thankful for any job that I have. Even if it means lowering my pride and accepting a position that I'm over-qualified for. Let God work in me so that He can work through me. What a novel thought.

But this job better come fast (please?). Otherwise I think I'll just be an exotic dancer. Get excited.

back

It's been a long long time.

A lot has developed. More that I will get into tomorrow.

But for now, this is what I'm dwelling on:

"If we value comfort more than character, then trials will upset us. If we value the material and physical more than the spiritual, we will not be able to count it joy! If we live only for the present and forget the future, the trials will make us bitter and not better." - Wiersbe

melancholy and daybreak

It's been a pretty epic week in terms of life.

There's been another dilemma in the craziness that is New York Life. I haven't received an email back from Brian but I made a very strong case for myself. I am hopeful that at some point this week I will have my meeting with Brian but I don't have any control over any of that in the meantime.

I'm better from a relationship standpoint though. I think I finally hit that breakthrough part where I FINALLY understand that Kristy simply doesn't care about me or my time as much as I care about her. It's difficult to be in this position, but at least this time I have the benefit of experience. This sort of ordeal so closely echoes what I've already gone through with Glorie that it's kinda humorous. It hurts just as bad, but when you put yourself out on the line for someone the pain is a risk that one has to take. Theorhetically the pain is so worth it if the other person is willing to equally put themselves out on the line. But that's just it--it must be mutually submission/affection. Since that clearly isn't the case with Kristy, I end up with the short end of the stick.

I remain hopeful though. There's good news for those in hopeless situations like me. There's an ongoing initiative labeled "redemption" for anyone interested. Where those crying in darkness (me) can trade in their freshly embered ashes for beautiful restoration. You just have to know where to look.

I haven't quite latched onto it, but I'm at least back on the train. And, it feels good knowing that I can move in a forward direction--even if I'm reluctant to let anyone else carry all my luggage. But smiles eventually sprinkle around life again. And the warmth of love will come.

Who knows...maybe there's hope for me yet.

2:51

And it's clear.

Sleep has decided to omit my bedroom tonight.

brooding feelings

anger.
pride.
resentment.
unfairness.
confusion.
insignificance.
unrecognition.
bitterness.


no positive spin at all.

a really dark place

it's so painful.

Yesterday was another huge deadline for the company. I really don't know what to believe in anymore. I was supposed to be at 9000 but there seems to be a dilemma regarding my "true" number. According to my math, and hey I know a little bit about numbers), I should be at about 9075. Dashboard shows me at 7085. I already saw two people pack up their desks because they got axed. I have very little confidence that I won't follow their lead.

Today was such an emotionally draining day. This morning's "council rush" really solidified why I think corporate america is so great and so awful. Competition breeds excellence but what's the point if we have to step all over each other to get there? My insight is shot.

I had a little bit of a high today when I was able to close a deal. It came very unexpected and it's not much but I'm very happy taking it. Add to that the fact that the sun was shining and all seemed very well. Even my second appointment went well. Didn't close anything...but got referrals. So it was all good.

Then, inevitably, the rest of the day came. I was supposed to meet up with Kristy today. She's leaving for a month tomorrow to go tour asia. So, after two months of non-communication...suddenly lines were open again. The plan was for us to hang out before she left.

But, the problem this time was I believed her.

Long story short I fly straight from my appointment to her area only to have her not pick up my phone calls. I called every 30 minutes 3 different times. I ended up driving to Borders and buying a book for her to read on the plane in my wait for her. She picks up the fourth time simply to say she never received any of my previous calls. Go figure.

Pressed for time, we discover that if we're to hang out at all it couldn't be for long because she still had a lot of packing to do and she still has to meet up with Lee and her other friends this evening. So, even being less than 5 minutes away from her house, I tell her to use the time to finish packing so that she wouldn't be stressed for time (this was done as a preemptive measure since #1) I know that she wouldn't have finished packing until 3 AM or so this morning cause she would be drunk tonight and #2) if she didn't get a lot of sleep it's likely she would've started fighting with her mom and that would be an awful way to start the trip).

Fast forward to an hour before midnight and I'm still waiting patiently for her. And I feel completely ridiculous for having made a card with an airplane on it wishing her safety on her travels. And really dumb for buying headphones that cancel out ambient noise so she can sleep better on the plane. And most stupid because I actually believed she would want to see me too.



I feel so awful. I swear a person should not be capable of experiencing this much rejection. I mean I get it all the time from work related activities. Should it come from someone that's considered a dear friend as well? What

I'm so stupid.

Come to think of it, I can't even recall eating today.

I haven't felt this low in two years.

*sigh*

sometimes I wish everything was different.


Actually, I wish that all the time.

another off night

It's been more of the same actually.

I'm logging in about 50 hours weekly for work. Lame.

In other news, Callie Ann is going through a break up and having an incredibly difficult time with it. She's come to me for some reason for council, and it's been weird kind of responding to it. She went out with Kevin a little over a year but you'd never know it considering how hard she's taking it. It's like the end of the world for her.

All I've been doing thus far is just listening. I kind of just let her let it all out and just kind of sit there and try to identify for her. The only thing is, I either have felt something much greater (i.e. Glorie) or much less (i.e. Kristy). I hope she learns to depend on God more. She keeps saying how people suck and relationships aren't worth it and stuff...which is ok I guess given her mental status. I mean I was at the point for awhile with Glorie. But the rain stops eventually. Healing begins again. And, thankfully, God starts trading burnt ashes for renewed hope. It's profound.

I think that's it really. I've been better with my devotionals! Hooray for that!



Yet I still miss special K. Darn that woman and her enchantments!!!

so this is what off days are like

I find myself oddly with time.

When I woke up this morning I was excited because I had three appointments to go to. Two of them ended up canceling on me. And this is where we find ourselves--with time on our hands.

It's been a pretty weird week for me. Work has been pretty typical. They teach us to have CEO mentality...and I get that. It bodes well when one has the potential to write their own paycheck. But I just think that we should also be real with ourselves; we represent New York Life. We aren't running our business. Period.

Aside from work, it'll have been a month and change since Kristy and I had our little DTR. I really can't understand how emotionally attached I have become to that woman. She's not the prettiest girl in the room, nor is she the smartest, nor does she have the most laudable "it" factor either. But everytime I think of her I end up smiling just a little bit wider. Even now. Still today.

And it sucks!

I wish it counted how much I miss her. I wish that meant something. But all indications are that her life hasn't even skipped a beat without me in her life. I thought I'd be worth a little bit more than that. Not to say that she should spend her days lamenting over the fact that we no longer converse (as this is not appropriate even for someone as sad as me), but it would help to know that you meant something to someone. Especially when you have grown as close as we had.

Chances are she probably does but it doesn't really get to her until those night time sessions. When she's all alone and doesn't have to wear her mask anymore. And instead of trying to please everyone she just misses me because I was the only one who could understand her for her. God better be sovereign; otherwise, stuff like this wouldn't make any sense.

Speaking of which, I feel like God's really rocking my world lately. I haven't had one of those hardcore prayers with him in so long. I've allowed my bible reading discipline to revert back to me simply reading proverbs everyday. I get by on milky feeding (listening to sermons on the way to work, simply talking about ethereal things) and haven't really dived deep into my God at all.

It sucks!

I feel out of balance.
I feel unappreciated.
I feel unfruitful.


Alas, I can identify all of these things and thus target them appropriately. But, I believe instead of simply dwelling on where I am at the moment, it's of greater importance to evaluate the direction of my life. After all, it's direction (not intention) that determines destination.

And, I can likewise identify the following:

God is.
I am loved.
Overall it could be worse.
There is a lot to look forward to.
I am precious to many.



I need more off days.

so tired

so much to write about.

so little energy.

dear journal, forgive me of my injustice.

guillotine prepped and ready

I will find out after this weekend whether or not I will remain contracted to New York Life.


Strangely, I am very peaceful either way.


Could this be the fruit of............faith?

Saturday Morning Thoughts

I have just finished my breakfast and I'm watching some ice skaters grace around the rink.

It has been a tumultuous couple of days. Yet, I think I'm finally starting to see daybreak. I believe that whenever hardships come into one's life, it's akin to braving a storm. This is an important identification because storms, no matter how violent or how serene, all come to an end at some point. The duration of the storm is something entirely different. There are no guarantees. They can be gentle refreshments (such as an overnight shower). Or they can be tempests (hurricane Katrina). But it ends.

For the past two weeks I have been focused entirely on the elements surrounding me (I like to call it tropical storm Beluga). While there has been a lot on my plate, I think one reason I've been noticeably heavy the past several days is because my focus has been off. This is something that I have observed in the past, but for one reason or another have failed to take appropriate action regarding such. I still don't understand what's wrong with me.

tuesday was

better.

I never realized how the weather plays into one's mood. Although today was better than yesterday, there's still a lot up in the air.

Yesterday reached an all time low. I ended up crying actually. I was listening to Samuel Barber's adagio for strings and the music did something that triggered all these emotions.

Anger at how I was humiliated yesterday.
Sadness at how I don't really talk to Kristy anymore.
Confusion over my job.
Helplessness knowing I have zero control over all of it.



Pretty soon my whole head will be gray.

manic mondays

I'm feeling awful.

It started with this morning. I went to work today (actually pretty eager to get the day rolling and everything). When all of a sudden I got a text message saying that career builder today was in Brian's office. Brian isn't the most encouraging of people. But then again why should he be? He's paid his dues. Being the general manager of the Atlanta GO, it's technically his job to ride everyone just to make sure they're doing what they need to. This is how his life intersects mine.

The story basically boils down to Brian chewing me out because my numbers aren't where they should be at the moment. I could go on and on justifying my position (which I truly have some justification), but the bottom line is that my number isn't where Brian or NYL expects it to be. But what really got to me today was how Brian essentially humiliated me (and one other person) in front of everyone.

"You should take the next two weeks off and just quit."

There's lots of talk at the office about celebrating pain, but it's something else to just get told that straight up in your face. I have nothing but respect for Brian (he wouldn't be in the position he's in were it not for the hard work he has already done), but I think it's wise to consider alternative forms of motivation besides negative ones. Not everyone responds well to that BS.

In my case, all it did was discourage me.

Perhaps that was the whole point. He either wanted me to intensify my efforts or get off the bandwagon. I guess I responded favorably (I ended up setting four appointments today) but whatever. I mean it's like when you hit a horse with a whip. Sure he'll move faster. You'll probably be able to produce repeated results for a considerable amount of time. But how long until the horse's back gives out due to repeated abuse? That's why Jesus was so brilliant. He had every authority to point a finger and tell people how wrong they were relative to their standing before God. But instead, He truly saw people as they should be and not as they appeared at the moment. What a guy.

I better be careful with how this junk affects me. There's gunk buildup all around in my heart.

I feel like I was treated unfairly.
I feel frustrated because my work isn't paying off.
I feel disappointed because I let myself get in this position.
I feel angry because I can't get back at Brian.
Maybe I just feel jealousy because I'm not making as much money as Brian.


I feel a lot of things right now. And I'm losing focus.


Yet, I still have faith. If I work as hard as I can on my end, I can't be held accountable anymore.

I can only trust God for the rest.

I commit to writing to this more often

So much going on.

So little commitment to get my thoughts written down. Soon enough.

new day

help me stay focused Lord.

Help my joy be grounded on what is undeniably true instead of what seems to be consistently changing.

And lead me in the way of the everlasting.

Friday Afternoon Thoughts

Well it finally happened.

I was able to have the long awaited "DTR" talk with Kristy. And now, although it's going to suck tremendously, it seems agreed upon that we will simply no longer talk.

I guess the beginning starts with the rather unique set of circumstances leading up to our epic discussion. This week has been finals week for her so to try and encourage her, I create/sent her a "finals survivor kit." Such a kit includes the following items:

- homemade card from yours truly
- can of guarana (energy)
- bag of doritos (calories = energy)
- organic blend of blueberry, raspberry, and other juices (anthocyanin)
- fruit cup of blueberry, raspberry, and strawberry (anthocyanin)
- cup of pecans (folic acid)
- one apple (acetylcholine)

This was all conveniently packaged of course. So our conversation begins with her (freshly hungover from a night drinking) thanking me for being so sweet to her. The requisite small talk commences and soon enough we begin our DTR.

Honestly, all I wanted to do was be on the same page as her. There has been a whole lot of growing closer but should we be getting this close kind of feeling and I couldn't stand it anymore. If we're going to get deeper we had to be on the same page. If we didn't want to get that way I had to readjust my expectations for the relationship. So this was the approach I took. This ended up being a 1.5 hour conversation. Essentially here are the main points that I got:

- she's "fine" with the way things are now. The only time she can't stand it is when we fight over where our relationship going.
- her main concern is me allowing her to be simply who she is. And not trying to force anything on her.
- The closer she gets to me, the more she realizes how much she doesn't want to be with me.
- She doesn't want to be with me because she just doesn't "feel" anything for me.
- If she could have things her way (in a perfect world) we would just continue the way things are now.
- she doesn't understand why things have to be so complicated for me and I can't just let her be herself.

Anticipating all of this, I let her know that if she wanted me to just view her as a normal friend of mine, that I would be completely willing to do that. It's just that, given the type of person that I am, the "normal friend" category in my life is marginally better than mere acquaintance. This is the heart of where the tension is. Because she wants the level of closeness that we currently share, but she's unwilling to explore that bond any further. The rationale being that the only way to explore that further is that we would be dating (which as she highlighted numerous times is something that she doesn't want to do).

The whole time we talked I just felt like all she wanted to do was rub in my face how much she didn't want to date me. But the thing is I'm not even looking for that. Here's the way I see it:

1) There's a pretty strong connection between me and Kristy (agreed)
2) Said connection is something unfound as we are completely unlike each other (agreed)
3) Said connection is also what draws us to each other (Fred 1 Kristy 0)
4) Why not pursue that connection and see how deep it goes?

But all of this is neither here nor there.
She views me as just a friend.
I view her as more than a friend.
And, for now, the strategy is to get me back to the place where I view her simply as a friend.


It's too bad that we'll probably end up sacrificing our friendship altogether to get there.

Ahh, humble

You do not delight in sacrifice
or I would bring it
You do not take pleasure in burnt offerings

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart,

O God, you will not despise.



No wonder.

Friday Morning Thoughts

I love quotes!

"Whatever...You are easily replaceable." - Kristy Tran




Yet here I am missing her like crazy.