Early Friday Morning Thoughts

Life is unpredictable.

Last year Glorie was involved in an accident.
Earlier this year, Cheryl was hit by a car.
A few weeks ago, John Paul died in a motorcycle accident.
Countless others, whom I haven't had the honor of intersecting life with, have gone through the exact same thing.
What's up with the craziness anyway?

The funeral for J.P. was today. I didn't go. I didn't really know him that well. Sure we've talked and stuff but we were barely even acquaintances...much less friends. My parents did end up going and apparently witnessed some of the strangest things.

When they entered the funeral home, they were immediately greeted with the sound of a screaming woman. Silence and screaming collided to really put a depressing overtone in the entire building. The woman was the wife of J.P. and was yelling (probably out of frustration/confusion) about how she couldn't take it anymore. Tears flowed down her face and she yelled and yelled about how hard it is. Complaining, in vain, about how J.P. wasn't supposed to die.

I found out through a friend that Cheryl was in an accident. When I found out exactly how she was involved in an accident, I literally felt goosebumps do laps around my entire body. The fact that someone getting hit by a car was insane; the same act happening to two people? That's just crazy talk. Yet the reality was that it did. And now Cheryl is mightily rehabbing in much the same way (I imagine) Glorie is.

I say all of this to simply consider what the point of this life is anyway. Many eventually discover this monumentally important question but few really find an answer that satisfies. The aforementioned "tragedies" are stark reminders of how disturbing life can be. This naturally leads one to question the very nature of God.

That is, if God is loving and just, why would there be such an unfair balance in life? Why would the radiant life of someone like Glorie all of a sudden be radically shifted for, apparently, no reason at all? Why would people as exuberant as Cheryl and J.P. have to "suffer" needlessly? Perhaps most disturbing is when we consider that "bad" people are often blessed abundantly. Corrupt, greedy business men enjoy the riches of life all at the expense of single mother/fathers working 3 jobs just to make ends meet. Murderers live well into their 90s while innocent children have their lives taken before their 1st birthday. It seems like God can't make up His mind.


...but what seems to be true often is not truth.


The truth that many fail to accept at face value is this: God isn't fair. He doesn't even pretend to be fair.
That may come across as incredibly unsettling but if you dwell on it long enough the profound nature of that truth will resonate within you.

In all of the aforementioned "unfair" circumstances, the end result is to wonder whether there really is life after death. It is easy to wonder whether or not this speck of dust called earth, and this sliver of existence that we call life, is all there really is to the universe. If it is, then we should be doing whatever we please for this is our only shot at experiencing anything. But if it isn't, then it's reasonable to believe that heaven and hell, if they exist, are pretty significant.

Here is where much of the disconnect exists in the modern realm of Christianity. Many non-followers find it incredibly hard to swallow that getting to heaven is accomplished only one way. In other words if there really is such a thing called heaven, then surely there's more than one way of getting there. Muslims could get there. Jews could get there. Buddhists could get there. Wiccans could get there. Scientologists could get there. For Christians to assert that their way is the only way to get to heaven is either incredibly arrogant or incredibly dull. Either way it's ridiculous.

However, the problem with this way of thinking is that it assumes that only good people go to heaven. That is, only people who have lived full, altruistic lives go to heaven. After all, would a lot of people agree that many of the islamic followers who executed the 9/11 attacks are in heaven right now? Does anyone believe that Hitler (believed to be a roman-catholic) is enjoying heaven? Certainly not.

Therefore, if there is a line between who gets to heaven and who doesn't, where is that line and how is it defined? Which religion has that line defined with the greatest precision? What is the cutoff for heaven? In other words...how good is good enough? You should start to see where the problem is.

This is precisely why I say, with confidence, that God isn't fair. The brilliance of Christianity is that it is the only faith that stresses that forgiven people, not good people, go to heaven. The standard is clearly set. According to the bible, not a single person is worthy to go to heaven due to sin [separation from God]; to reconcile this (restore the previous separation from God) there must be atonement for said sin. This is accomplished only through Jesus' death/resurrection (since Jesus is the only innocent of all wrongdoing). Therefore relationship is restored and access to God is now available to anyone who believes.

Which takes us back full circle. There's joy to be had everywhere in this whisper of a life; and that joy comes singularly from Christ. We can certainly find happiness in the pleasures of earth (Getting married, eating that one delectable piece of oreo cake for dessert, laughing until your tummy hurts with your best friends). But it's so important to remember that we find joy in the darkness as well. It's just hard to do so.

When the John Paul in your life is so abruptly taken from you, the pain is real. Joy seems extremely far away at that point.
When the Cheryl in your life is suddenly facing the reality of a life that is entirely different than the one she had been previously known for, the change is troubling. Joy seems like a fantasy instead of reality.
When the Glorie in your life doesn't want to have anything to do with you, the rejection is agonizing.

But the joy still remains. It's an incredibly small speckle of joy...but it's there. And it's real. And the more you look at it the bigger it will get. The pain will start to subside. Then the first smile will emerge just like the first flower that blooms from the dead of winter. And it will satisfy.

?

I always find myself with the most abstract thoughts really late at night.

That and when I'm taking a shower really early in the morning. I don't know what it is. Maybe it has something to do with my brain not getting a sufficient amount of oxygen and thus abnormal brain function occurs.

Lately I've been finding myself in a funk again. I really don't get it. I should be ecstatic considering the current trajectory of my life, but I'm discovering just how wildly malcontent I am. But part of that stems from the fact that I'm aware that I should be content. It's puzzling really.

I have all these aspirations to be this really great person but what for?
Notoriety? Hardly.
Jesus? Not always.
myself? never.

When I strip it all down, there's still this great big hole from what Glorie used to fill. And I know that, for the long run, it's better that she isn't filling that hole. All the church people in my life would tell me to fill that whole with Jesus and everything will magically be all right. But I don't want to receive any of that.

I know that it's only in my best interest to find contentment in Christ, but what if Jesus doesn't seem good enough? I'm out of my mind for talking like this, but if I were to be extremely honest I would say that I have felt that feeling at times. Where does that come from anyway? Is that from the evil one?

I don't know. I feel so foolish. Of the overflow of blessings in my life, I have the gall to complain about the petty issues that sprinkle my life. My view of God must be shrinking. Otherwise I wouldn't think of such stupidity.


Oh God, if You're still awake, I'd really like to just sit with You right now. Will You show me how high and deep and wide Your love really is? Is my junk really as far from the west is from the east? Do You still honor me with the title of child? Are You serious when You say you want to lavish love on me? Why would You choose such an inconsistent person like me for anything?

Please make my ears sensitive to Your voice; in silence and turbulence help me pick up on Your unmistakable gentleness.

Grad gifts

Many people have been asking me what I want for my graduation.

I'm not a real big fan of artificial answers so I usually say what I want.

"Honestly? I'd really like to be able to know how Glorie is doing." It's usually about 2 seconds after I say that, when the appropriate synapses have functioned to enable cognition and understanding that I see disgruntled looks on their faces. I suppose they wanted to hear me say, "oh you don't have to get me anything! Just attending is fine!"

But why would I be so fake? It's not that I don't appreciate their celebratory presence (by no means). Rather, I'd rather give what people ask for; and right now all I really want is to hang out with Glow.

Pretty unlikely that it'll happen though...considering how much we were able to talk during my last event and all [none]. Still, it would be nice to know how she's doing and to just sit down and talk. Just like we did right before the accident.

"You found out what about Jesus? No way. Get out."
"REALLY?!? Awwww I'm so happy for you!"

*shared laughter*


None of the fallout from the whole situation. No worry about Glorie getting confused about what to think about her new boyfriend and being unable to concentrate. No concern about what things would be ok to talk about because it would trigger a memory that we don't want coming back.

Just f & g time. Catching up on everything.

That would be priceless.

GSU in a nutshell

I went into Kell Hall today (or as I like to put..."the dungeon") and I took a picture.





oh Georgia State. How I will miss thine ability to charm me with your ceaseless surprises.

Involved!

this is my treasure.




Oh, and as of 1:36 in the AM on a monday, I am not feeling terribly wonderful. Not feeling wonderfully terrible either. Just thinking..."wouldn't the world be great if I could just fix everything?" All the problems just gone?

...or would that be a tragedy?



crazy brain.

Friday Afternoon Thoughts

Now that graduation is nearing, I have finally been able to do "check off" one of my goals for this year.

Graduation still isn't really a big deal for me. I don't know why but it's just not. I am happy though. I've also been slacking on the invitational side of things. I suppose I'll send an invite to all the people soon.

Looking ahead I don't really have many other "career related" goals. Frankly, I have greater aspirations simply mending relationships. Call me crazy but I'd honestly take greater delight in having restored friendship between our families than any job that I get this year. It just means more to me.

Speaking of which, I got to talk with a (literally) long, lost friend of mine yesterday. After the small talk got out of the way, we both addressed our relationship dead on.

"...I don't mean to be a jerk or anything but why did you decide to stop being friends with me out of nowhere?"

"I went through a lot... [more explaining]...but what I need right now is for you to forgive me and for us to move on from this point."

"Are you kidding me? Of course I forgive you. It's just important to me that you understand how the "stuff" from the past made us get to this point.... [more explaining]... I don't want to dwell on the past simply to rub any guilt in or anything; rather, the thing I most want to highlight is that we are at the destination of the path that was started when certain decisions were made in the past. In order for us to gain greater understanding with each other, we have to understand where the other person came from in the past."

"...I know...[more explaining]... but I'm still going through a lot of stuff from what happened. It's hard. Everyday I just try to live my life the way I believe God wants me to. But I value our friendship so much and I'm willing to go through this cause it's worth it. I just need you to forgive me and be patient with me from this point forward."

"are you kidding me? Of course I can be patient with you. I value you too much to not be patient. Our friendship is worth it."

*non-awkward silence* (I imagined they were smiling during this moment just as I was.)



This is what I value so greatly. This is restoration. This is being a remedy. The fact that even Christians screw up but the distinction is that they directly address it (instead of just sitting on the sidelines). It doesn't happen overnight, but it happens because there is mutual humility (and that leads to understanding and compassion).

This is why I'm so especially bothered by the whole Glorie situation. With all of the drama that has already happened, how wonderful would it be if people were able to say to us "you can tell that they're Christians. Even though a lot of junk has accumulated between them, look how hard they worked to address it and reconcile it."

See there's tremendous potential within the community of Christ. If we get it right, we shine, collectively, extremely bright for Jesus. But when stuff like this gets the way, it tarnishes the shine. It drives me nuts.

To be fair, I can't expect all of this stuff to go away over night. This is an extremely loaded topic for both sides. As hard as I try, I still can't identify what life has been like for any of my beloved Floridians. But neither can they-me.

But I do know that I value our family enough to address the issue even if it means crying again. And I also know that I believe our families are worth it.

Until that time, I just wait. And thankfully, right now waiting is a thrill ride.

Liberation

Best feeling in the world? Turning in the last final if your collegiate career.

I just wish I could TiVo my life and feel this feeling on demand. That would rock.

Near the finish line

It will be here soon enough.

The cap will be on. The gown will unite the many who have endured for the past half-decade. The music will play and the family/friends will cheer in celebration. It's taken such a long time but it's almost here.

As I sit here in between paths in life I think back at this journey. How completely different I am right now compared to when I first started. How much I've learned throughout this time (and laughably how much I realize I don't know). It's kind of weird.

Everyone always told me that college would be among the best years in my life. Many mentioned that the friendships I form on the campus would be some of the most precious in my entire life. I don't know if I agree with any of that. Of course it would have helped if I made more friends but that's a different story.

It has been quite the ride though. College is so fresh. There's no other place where one can interact with such a diverse sea of individuals. It's one place that simply contains a bunch of people who have yet to be conformed by culture. Fresh faces who have yet to meet the grind of work.

So, as I sit down writing this, I smile at the wonder of it all. I didn't go to the biggest or the best college in the whole wide world. I didn't even go to a college with "college life." But I have been impacted; and it makes me smile.

Friday Night Thoughts

Yesterday I heard the most interesting thing.

Thursdays of course is small group night. All the guys were over and we were talking about (who else) Jesus. One of the questions in our guide delved into the thought of how Jesus would go about with some of the more menial tasks of life. That is, what would Jesus do when He woke up in the morning? How/what would Jesus eat? How/what would Jesus watch on TV? How/what would Jesus do when He was driving?

Justin talked about driving. He shared that Jesus would probably be so chill while He was driving to work. Justin often spends his time thinking about the most efficient way to identify which cars would be traveling the slowest so that he can properly avoid driving behind them at all costs. Justin then contrasted that Jesus wouldn't think anything like that. Instead, Jesus would probably keep appropriate perspective and simply not let small things like traffic bother Him.

This is what I found so thought provoking. I've dwelled upon the thought of proper perspective before, but what happened? For one reason or another, it's easy to simply agree with how we should view life. Everyone knows that we all should be thankful for legs to be able to walk (when some people don't even get that). Everyone wants to be happy that they have a car when so many people simply cannot afford such a luxury. But why is there disconnect in this ideal and the execution?

Why is it that in the middle of rush hour, when we're already 10 minutes late, remembering the fact that we are blessed with a car is the last thing on our mind? Why is that it's so hard to remember how abundant life when you are freshly terminated from your job? Essentially, the question boils down to this: if we know that it's always best to keep in mind the big picture of life, why is it that we seemingly always focus on the small things?

Last Thursday of the Month

Seeing how the 1st Quarter of 2008 is about to end, I thought it would be wise to check in on my commitments on the new year. This is what I aspired for:

By the grace of God, I hope to accomplish the following this year:

- Pray more. Specifically, I want to be more focused in praying for other people.

I actually was a hardcore prayer warrior for January and most of February. I just dwindled down to slacker the past two months.

- Love more. That is, my desire is to view people as they truly are (and not how they appear to be).

I'm not sure with this one either. My compassion has definitely grown much, but the main person that this applied to was Ryan. I've tried time and again to establish dialogue with the man but no response. Oh well.

- Give more. Money, time, ears, hugs, counsel, whatever.

Yes.

- Be a remedy. I am determined to get to know one of the homeless people this semester at State.

No. :(

- Cast vision. Hopefully this year I will be able to live up to the leadership roles that God has placed me in.

Yes and No. I have really grown into some of my leadership roles but still have so much potential to shine even brighter.

- Be grateful. This year I am planning on dedicating the last thursday of EVERY month focusing on what I should be grateful for. Whose idea was it to wait until November anyway?

This one I'm most embarrassed about. I lost focus of the life-changing, liberating love of Christ.

- Read my bible more. The fact that this one is listed seventh shows why I need to work hard on this one.

See #1.

- Be a better guitar player. Sasha and Peter have such untapped potential. Music is so hard.

Hahahahaha.

- Start my dream of being an amateur film maker. Video has such raw power for conveying messages. I hope to use it for His glory.

Well I bought the video camera, but Final Cut doesn't play nice with the Panasonic HDC-SD9. I haven't even named the camcorder yet because it's been such a pain to edit video. I really think I will sell it soon. So, to answer the question, I suppose it's to be continued.

- Develop rich friendships. That is, I hope to go deeper with all my current ones, take pleasure in all my new ones, and reconcile all the broken ones (ESPECIALLY them).

Yes! Thank God. Except them of course. Which is what bugs me so much (still). *sigh*



Oh and I wrote something on here on tuesday but apparently it didn't make it on here? Oh well.

Just your Ordinary Monday

It started with my inability to sleep.

Our team had been working for the past 7 hours on our paper/presentation. Naturally, I found myself exhausted yet sleepless. It was approaching 2 A.M. which meant that I had to get up in approximately 3 hours. When the alarm clock rang my eyes decided to go on strike. I prayed and fell asleep while praying. Thankfully I actually had the composure to stand and get the day started.

The presentation went well. I'm not sure why but I have this innate gifting of speech. I didn't even practice and had the entire classroom completely captured on my every word within 30 seconds. I hope I don't pervert this ability if it really is a gift that I have. Everyone else presented after me and did a good job. The best part is that everything is over. All the hard work finally paid off.

Oh and I tried arguing with the teacher after class to raise our group grade. We had a 90 and I was pushing for a 92. She gave some lame excuse about how she weighted our performance on the last year of our simulation. I argued that since that was a subjective call, perhaps she should consider the performance of our company relative to the entire simulation. I was winning the debate when she got so frustrated that she explicitly said, "do not argue with me anymore." Why did she have to play that card?

I had lunch with my friend Jo today. I like lunches with Jo. Our conversations often include many awkward moments that we both find hilarious. What more, we actually talk about things like Jesus and life...two of my favorite topics to talk about! It's a shame I don't lunch with Jo more often. Oh well.

Other parts during the day included my bathroom discovery. You see, unlike many others, I actually love looking at all the different things people write on the walls of bathrooms. It's often a little dialogue between many different people who were using the very same toilet just at different times in life. While some would consider these senseless writings nothing more than utter graffiti (i.e. School sux!!, 'I did Sally right in the ***'), I consider them eccentric artforms.
One in particular caught my attention today. It had GSU written across. Initially I was like, "oh wow...people actually have school spirit here?" But as I continued to read, I found that under GSU someone put "God Saves Us". What a masterpiece. It's tragic that I didn't take a picture of it.

Later on in the night I got to practice being a serving nobody. I love volunteering and one of the places I volunteer is the living room. Tonight I helped set up the lights like I normally do. Yet everything just got done. No special compliments today. Not even any acknowledgment. Just simple working (read: serving) and getting no credit for it. Sounds just about perfect to me.

I did get called on specifically though. Not because of my elite cord wrapping ability, but due to my graduation eligibility. I stood with all the other prospective graduates and we were prayed over. I usually stand at the very back of the room in order to slowly blend in with the curtain. But as we started to pray I felt hands touching me. Then more hands. People were actually traveling across the room to pray for me. I was touched. It's like they cared or something. I felt really loved. It was weird and I really liked it.

Then, to end the day on a high note, I found a letter from the IRS waiting for me when I got home. Apparently I owe them $150 more on top of the $50 that they already obligated me to pay prior to April 15. Oh joy.

Now, more than 15 minutes into the 'new' day, I find myself thinking about Glorie. Not really bothered about our lack of a romance anymore. Just kind of want to know how my friend is doing. How much she's learning. Just laugh with her again would be ideal. Then just let her know that I still pray faithfully for her and for her to be always confident in the support that she receives.

But she's probably sleeping now. And I'm probably not going to talk with her so long as I have the equivalent image rating to that of a ravenous wolf. But, to be honest, I receive that. And I find myself still believing that one day, when the timing is most precise, our paths will cross again.

Perhaps that day will be more eventful than this one.

Friday Night Thoughts

It was while I was reading this morning that I realized that I have grown into quite the reader over the past year.

In the past I usually relegated reading into a very mundane task. It was not an enjoyable process. Rather, it was something that only boring people did. Besides, even if I did want to read, I always assumed that I would just plunge into the bible...a book I've heard wild things about.

Then I read Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell. It isn't really the greatest of books. Nor is it the most thought provoking. By for some reason that book kind of rekindled the reading spirit within me. Now I enjoy reading simply because I still love learning.

So, with all of that said, there was something wildly hilarious that I read this morning. Someone once asked G.K. Chesterton what book he would take if he had to only choose one (were he to be stranded on an island). In case you are unaware, G.K. Chesterton is one of the eccentric Christian writers during his time. His trademark was to combine wit and humor to draw a very serious point. Naturally, I fully anticipated G.K. to give the [obligatory] response of the bible. He instead responded by saying he'd bring a book about how to build boats.

I lol-ed. That was a brilliant answer. Why is it that sometimes I try to be super holy when instead I could just be real?

Finally better :)

I know. It's been a while since I've really written in this thing. I could only play the pollen card for so long. I really have been sick and have had throbbing headaches for the entirety of the past week but here I am finally.

Yesterday was rather interesting. I had been in a sort of spiritual high and had a tremendous amount of momentum leaving Passion. But the intensity seemed to wane throughout the week. Sure enough I made some pretty dumb mistakes by the middle of the week. Typical me.

Needless to say, I felt pretty crappy on wednesday. I really disappoint myself. What more, I felt like I was THE biggest disappointment to God. It was miserable. Awful.

Suddenly my phone notified me that I had received a text message. It was Sam thanking me for David Crowder Band and how awesome his band was. I replied that I was having a bad day. Then, out of nowhere, Holy Spirit just flowed through Sam's words...
"Well ask God to help you change your ways. Guilt does NOT come from God. You are a lover of God...show others how great God's love is; not how guilty Satan can make you feel."

What a surge of encouragement. What a true statement.

stupid pollen!

There is an incredible amount to write in here but an equally incredible amount of pollen inside of my body.

As I sit here writing this, my nose is literally dripping. I have the one nostril open and one nostril closed action going on. I also feel like my head will explode momentarily. I am beginning to develop a headache. -_-

Even with this said, I will go to sleep wildly content tonight. Hurray!

Friday Night Thoughts

Wow what a day.

I was efficient and productive at work so that is always a plus. Good thing that only lasted half the day though.

I then proceeded to share lunch with kat kat. We caught up with much in life and enjoyed Olive Garden as we always do. We then proceeded to the Gwinnett Arena to register for Passion.

This was the first step on our night of wonder. However, when greeted by the cool volunteer (who looked eager to collect our socks and towels), she disenchanted us with the news that we were prohibited from bringing cameras inside.

Bummer.

Overall it was a really great night. Chris Tomlin started out in his usual bright manner. Kat Kat says he looks a lot older but I think he looks smashing as always. Then Louie spoke.

The overall sentiment of the night was what Passion was really all about. I don't really care to go into any of it here (that's what the 268 website is for), but something he said really resonated with me. He spent several minutes simply talking about what we are living for. This of course begged me to ask myself the question, "What am I living for?"

As I sat, I smiled widely. I couldn't be any more confident that my life counts more for Jesus now than at any other time in my life. That despite how close I've come to suffocating beneath the complex layers of junk that I've traversed through much of this short life of mine, I can now say, with confidence, that I am truly His.

It's kind of weird when you think about it. After all...who lives for God? Only crazy "Jesus freaks" do that. I want to be cool just like any other person, but I think I've finally settled on the fact that loving God is, well, cool. It doesn't seem that way at first and it still seems crazy even for people who have actually experienced, but there's something that's indescribably satisfying about loving Jesus that emanates pure joy.

Most profound, perhaps, is the fact that Christianity is the only faith that allows for such an intimate relationship. Much of the popular current religions have varying degrees of self. Christianity, on the other hand, places tremendous emphasis on losing one's self. It's like Christianity is the ultimate anti-religion.

Anyway, I'm pretty tired. I suppose I'll write more some other time. I just can't believe I get to experience this three more times tomorrow. HUZZAH!!

Blarp

All I keep thinking about this weekend. I wonder what it will be like?

I will meet up with Kat Kat tomorrow sometime during the afternoon. Perhaps we will catch up with much in life over a bed of pasta mixed with deliciousness. Afterwards, I imagine we will journey to the Arena where we will register and wait.

Then, we, along with 9,558 others, will be immersed for 48 hours in wondrous, intense, corporate worship. I wonder what kind of memories will be created during that time? If it was anything like '07, it will be the type that will last forever.

Get excited.

blirp

Pollen still sucks.

blurp

Crazy things are happening. Curiously, I don't quite feel like sharing anything. However...

- Words have incredible potential. It is ultimately up to us whether our words destroy or uplift.

- If we love Jesus, we will naturally love others. This is truth.

- You can determine the type of tree by the fruit that it bears. Apple trees don't drop oranges on the ground. That would be silly.

- I hate pollen.


The end.

Friday Night Thoughts

Nothing really profound to say tonight.

The test on monday was pretty interesting. It really affected me. I thought wildly for the next 72 hours how miserable my life would be if I didn't pass (or at the very least get something in the 60s) the test. Wednesday was absolutely nerve-racking. I lamented having to go to class, but 1:30 finally came. She started passing out tests. I glanced at others in the class who already received their tests back. One guy got a 55. The other a 61. The silence in the room was surreal. Then she laid the test face-down in front of me. This was the moment. This was my pending graduation. I peeked at the top right corner where my grade should be.

70

I fainted for about 3 minutes. Still in disbelief, I looked again. Yup, that 70 was still there. I have never been so thankful in my life. This test is the singular example of mercy from God. I have absolutely no idea how I got it, but I got the 70. Praise Him.

Anyway, this lead me to think about something that's worth sharing. I learned it a while ago but figure I'd put it here in case anyone ever feels like learning something.

Grace = when you get what you don't deserve.
Mercy = when you don't get what you do deserve.

Note the distinction. Note how our lives are filled with both.


Also note how we are to demonstrate both to others.

The joys of college

I think I just failed my Finance test.

I don't really know what it is either. I studied for this one (and that's a rarity in and of itself). This normally wouldn't be a big deal for me, especially considering the frequency with which I fail tests in general, but this is more significant since it puts into serious jeopardy my graduation. My grade in the class overall is in the high 70s so if were I to fail, my grade wouldn't be able to take the hit. It would set up the laborious situation of me having to knock the final out (which is a certain impossibility at this point).

From a bigger perspective, even if I were to fail, it wouldn't be life threatening. I would still graduate (Summer 08 instead of Spring 08) and I would still get a job (I think?). I would still have Jesus too! I'd just have to endure the scorn of my parents from being ashamed that their kid is a failure. But then again, I failed a class in grade school too. So I guess it'd just be deja vu for them?

Aargh. Maybe the problem isn't me? Maybe it's the fact that professor Brown gives incredibly hard tests? No, that would simply be passing the buck. I guess this is just going to show that I don't love finance half as much as I thought that I did.

I guess I'll just go back to Disney and get more lung cancer. That would be magical!

Friday Afternoon Thoughts

It happened during my regular perusing of DC's website. He came across the most curious of thoughts in wondering what the origins of rock, paper, scissors were. Dumbfounded, he concluded that his quest for this knowledge would be forever unsatisfied.

Then, as we dueled online, we found ourselves in a heated match. I can't quite put my finger on it either, but something about playing rock, paper, scissors with someone really intensifies my competitive juices. After the first two rounds came up with boring ties, I emerged victorious in the third...only to be brutally defeated each round thereafter.

Then, as I sulked silently, I realized, I just played rock paper scissors with someone through YouTube.

Drive time with the fredster

It's often in my car, driving by myself to no place at all, that I have my most profound contemplations. This morning, for instance, was an ideal example.

Recently I was able to talk with Tita Maricor again. We exchanged small talk for the most part but something felt weird. I can't quite put my finger on it, but there was a tremendous emptiness that swelled within me when talking with her. Paltry words simply did not do anything to repair the broken kinship that we once shared. Instead, continuing with the analogy, it felt like we were simply talking to each other with nothing but a broken and burned bridge in between the both of us.

This led me to consider what things would be like if I were to all of a sudden show up at their house. Suppose I went today bringing a nice gift or something for Praise. I would like to think that I would be welcomed into the house, but something inside of me doubts. I feel like I'd be let inside simply because it's rude to not be hospitable to guests. However there would be no joy like there was before. No overflow of delight from seeing family again. Most depressing, to me at least, is the very real possibility Glorie couldn't care less if I were in her house.

As I pursued this train of thought, it occurred to me that in order to properly consider this scenario, I must turn it back around on me. Suppose Ryan suddenly showed up at my doorstep. I wonder what my response would be. It's easy to think about all the things that I would or wouldn't do, but if that situation actually happened, I wonder if my actions would reflect my aspirations. Am I willing to truly humble myself and serve him? Would I choose to wash his feet? Do I truly view him with reverence and respect?

I neared my destination and realized how broken I was. I still have a lot of loving left to learn and there is a plethora of impurities that God must be trying to purge out of me. I suppose it would make sense that many aspects of my life are not the way I'd like them to be right now. If change is going to happen, it must start with me. And, well, it's starting.

[Title]

I'm not even going to lie. Sunday was pretty much a roller coaster the whole day through...but there were many observations gained.

It was the first time that I had been scheduled to serve on a holiday. It was special this time because by agreeing to serve on easter sunday, I was also committing to serve on good friday. So, friday came along and wow. The place was absolutely packed. When all was said and done, 5300 people were in the building that night. That's pretty cool.
Sunday morning rolls around and the 9 and 11 AM services were likewise packed. it was cool though. My beautiful friend Samantha had her baptism video mixed into the big video thingy that they made. It was really cool how they made the video. It was mixed into a song called "Lift High" by Eddie Kirkland (which basically speaks of our redemption through Christ). Needless to say it was pretty powerful to witness person after person sharing about how God changed their life and then seeing video of their baptism to affirm that truth. All the while 5000+ souls were rejoicing and celebrating along singing at the top of their lungs to the glory of God. It was rich.

I finished my errands and went home to try and finish up some homework. It was then that I found myself on the internet just browsing away at nothing at all. Up to this point I was pretty good at just staying focused, but out of nowhere I was reminded of Glorie. Soon enough I found myself incredibly depressed. Not so much that I couldn't talk with Glorie or anything of that regard...but this time it was just cause I can't break free from this little cycle of missing her.

I started crying. Then I started crying.

Eventually my tears gave way to anger. I started getting mad at God because of all the pain that I had to go through.
Then I started to get embarrassed. I started wondering how obsessive I was and how much of a shame it was that I still can't "get over" Glorie. Then inner conflict insinuated further. I'm not trying to "get over" anything. I miss one of my dear friends. And to have the situation resolve itself in such a poor fashion is something that bothers me. That is perfectly normal.

Confused, I found myself now weeping heavily. More than anything, I was ashamed at my ill-placed emotion toward God. The same God that I was once smiling infectiously toward just hours before was one that I had just finished yelling at. I repented and just broke down. I just walked God through how confused I was and how frustrating it was for me to have to fight these small battles in my head every single day. It sucked so bad. But a feeling of satisfaction finally captured me. It felt so good simply being real with God.

I just sat in silence for awhile after that. Tears kept rolling down my face but I felt it inappropriate to utter a sound. I sparred with God intellectually countering any sort of comfort that the Holy Spirit tried to offer me. But, thankfully, I was defeated.

I started saying out loud "...but you love me."

"...You still love me."
"...You still love me."
"...You still love me."
"You know how much it hurts."
"You know how pure my intentions are."
"You know how badly I miss her."
"but it's not time for any of that yet...and that's ok."
"I trust You God. Please honor my faith."

And then I stopped crying.


After I blew an incredible amount of mucus from my nose, I saw that my eyes were as crimson as sin. I was the ugliest person that I ever saw; and God couldn't think I was any more beautiful. I started to smile again and it resonated deeply.




Just to be real for a moment, I hesitated wildly before I posted this online. I kept contemplating what the possible reaction from Ryan would be if he were to stumble upon this yet again. I surely don't want to give him any more reason to legitimize his theory of my being pathetic cause I can't "move on", but at the same time that sharing "pathetic" moments like this is probably one of the best ways I can show what I'm going through. So, I just stopped caring what Ryan would think and I just posted.

Friday Afternoon Thoughts

One thing that always threw me off about Good Friday was that I could never conclude what was so good about it.

I've heard the argument before. Supposedly this day in history was when Jesus was crucified. In hindsight it's easy to perceive that as good but it was much different back then. For the eleven following Jesus (remember Judas had hung himself by this time), they basically lost their everything. There were no more miracles. There were no more profound teachings. At the very end Jesus prophesied to His disciples and stayed completely silent in the face of the most intense of accusations. Let's be real; there was no celebration when Jesus died. Only sunken memories and, if anything, fear that anyone that followed Jesus would likewise be crucified.

The thing that makes Christianity distinguished is the fact that Jesus rose again. In fact, the entire Faith hinges on that truth. If Jesus didn't rise, He would've merely been another great man to have died. He would've been no greater than any of the previous prophets. But the tomb was empty. And the world hasn't been the same since.

This is what leads me to question why we go on with the moniker good anyway. If any day is good, it is Sunday. That's when the discovery happened that Christ has risen. Furthermore, that news shouldn't be relegated to a plain adjective such as good. It should be great friday/sunday. If I had things my way, it would be called super awesome life-has-never-been-the-same day. But who listens to me anyway?

Compassion

What does it mean to have compassion for someone?

I'm currently reading John Ortberg's "The Life You've Always Wanted" and he talks at length about an experience he had. He woke up early in the morning and just sat looking as his wife in the face. Overcome with memories, he simply sat awake looking at her wife with awe. Love swelled as memory upon memory composed a short film right there on his sleeping wife's face. Then, almost immediately, he thought about how God views him the same way. The parallel is that the way that John was looking at his wife sleeping was much the same as the way God views us when we sleep; overcome with memories and simply filled with joy.

The only way I can relate is one particular time Glorie fell asleep on me. We were with many friends in a cabin and we were watching a movie. We shared our little space and cuddled. I, of course, was totally into the movie and was just happy to be with Glorie and with friends. Eventually, I looked at Glorie (to see why she wasn't laughing at one of the funny parts of the movie), and saw that she was sleeping. A fair bit of drool was dripping from her mouth onto my shoulder...and I couldn't have been any more enamored. It was then that I experienced what John Ortberg was talking about. I simply smiled at her and felt so honored simply to have her in my arms. A kiss on the forehead woke her up where she soon returned a kiss on the forehead and bid me good night.

I didn't have a God moment afterward but I see full value now. Compassion extends beyond a mere good feeling. In fact, it delves deep into love. It is cherishing every moment to being completely satisfied as a result. My only hope at this point is to simply gain compassion for the rest of my life.

Luke 7:36-50

Sometimes I feel like the woman.
Sometimes I feel like Simon.


Today, I TOTALLY felt like the woman.

Re-li(e)ved

Life-changing.

That's how Mexico was. I am convinced, without a doubt, that the most efficient (and most dramatic) way of changing one's perspective on life is to spend time out of the country. This would be true even if someone were to travel to Dubai and live life most extravagantly. True shift in focus, however, grows most foundationally when one gets to witness firsthand just how surreal things are outside of US borders. I say this even considering the fact that I didn't spend time with poor people by any means.

What's so rich about the trip is that I now have a taste of how BIG God is. It's a conclusion that's far from original. In fact, stating that God is big is pretty much stating the obvious. Yet, sseeing how big God is through a different culture is one of the most pleasurable experiences in life.

Something about the meeting kids who have no family because daddy was too busy doing crack resonated with me.
Something about the way it's evident, cross-culture, that God changes peoples lives (and the smiles that erupt in celebration afterward is truly precious).
Most simply, realizing that God is NOT an American God (and doesn't simply speak english) is profound in and of itself.

The most mind-blowing part, perhaps, is that God actively invites me to be a part of the bigger story. That is, in this mosaic of life, I have been given an open invitation to the best party in the universe; how could you NOT go?

Truly, there is NO ONE like our God.

Game Day

I'm packed and ready to go. However, I don't yet feel prepared.

Lord, please help me. Help me clothe myself in humility. Help me emanate the Love that You give to me. Help me shine brighter than the stars in the sky. Help me be universally approachable just as You were Christ.

Help me be patient. Help me be forgiving. Help me stay focused. Help me remember just Whom it is that I'd dependent upon. Curiously, help me have a blast! Help me take much delight in this opportunity. Use me!!!! Impact lives through me. I want to be BLOWN AWAY.

Thank you for this opportunity. I hope to make You proud.

Yours,
-fg

Transparency

It's bothering me badly.

Of all the wonderful greetings yesterday the one I anticipated most was absent. I don't really know what to make of that.

Justifications have been flying back and forth in my head. Apparently she arrived yesterday. Perhaps she was simply exhausted. It may have been completely on her mind but she just fell asleep. That would be ok with me.

But the other possibility is what is bothersome. What if she simply doesn't care? What if she doesn't even remember? What if she wasn't allowed to contact me? What if she didn't make contact intentionally? Those are all frightening possibilities.

Yesterday, as the the day slowly crawled from the 27th to the 28th, I found myself locked in prayer. My mood changed. I was so grateful for this past year on so many different levels. I was blown away at the journey that God single-handedly carried me through.

But, I felt empty.

The singular thing I desired yesterday (above all else) was simple contact. A text message...a phone call...a voicemail...a xanga posting...an email...a video...anything. That was what I hoped for. But I received nothing.

So, in today's spillover, I find myself just straight up sad. Maybe Glorie really doesn't care about me anymore. I guess I would like to know when exactly this shift in her took place but what difference would that make? My being more informed would have no effect on how much more (or less) she would care for me.


I presented all my thoughts to Christ but keep getting the same response.

"Those who wait upon the Lord will not grow tired or weary."
"Take my yoke and learn from me (for I am gentle and humble in heart)"
"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him my Savior and My God."


In other words the only peace I found myself resting on was--"wait for ME."


Trust is the most curious lesson I've ever had to learn in my life.

Thankful

for life.

I'm thinking Tuesday

Today was kinda weird.

I had a dream that I was talking with one of the people on my mission team. We discussed music and Jesus and then something happened and then there was screaming and suddenly I woke up. Now that I think about it, I guess that was typical of my dreams. Go figure.

I also got into a pretty serious argument with my mom. She seems to be so stressed out lately. I get so frustrated by it because I feel that some of her problems are so avoidable. These opposing philosophies were bound to clash at some point and I suppose today was the day.
Put simply, I ended up being rather vocal about my displeasure in some of her decisions. The problem is, I was vocal to a fault. My tone ended up changing to complete disrespect. I don't need to be talking to ANYONE in that manner. How much more tragic is it that I ended up talking to my own mother that way? It was shameful.
Throughout the day I was bothered by the whole altercation. I prayed immediately after the fact that God would simply reveal truth to me (and to humble me if I needed to). Sure enough I realized just how enormous my idiocy was.
I came to my senses and apologized to her (before the sun came down no less!). In that moment I uncovered something rich.

I am certain that my mom felt the same uneasiness that I felt the entire day. However, no great progress could be made until I humbled myself to the point of apology. Did my mom need for me to say sorry in order to move on from the situation? No. But me doing it was the critical first step to reconciliation...and it made all the difference. I hope to take apply this lesson to all my future conflicts.


To end the day, I received two voicemails. Both contained very kind greetings; they just came a day early. Oh well. I'm not complaining.




Tonight I will pray for my team. Specifically for Christ to really take root in all of our lives. After all, how can we go to another place to share God if we know very little of Him in the first place? We must first be impacted on a personal level before we can be impactful.

Ready, Set, Go?

5 more days 'til it's game time and I still don't think it's hit me yet.

I had such high aspirations for myself for this pre-mission time but have fallen far short of my expectations. I thought I'd be the most awesome person ever (hence being the most awesome college missionary) but I only affirmed the fact that I'm an idiot. It hasn't been anything extremely significant (as in I haven't killed anyone or anything like that), but it's really been small things adding up. I think too much about petty things. I don't widen my focus enough to view this life with proper context. It's tragic.

Simply, I keep resorting back to imitation Gods. I find myself battling lust frequently just cause I don't think God is trustworthy with my heart. I don't let joy capture my life simply because I don't believe that God can satisfy. Where does all of this come from anyway? Is my faith really that small?

Needless to say, this is hardly the posture that I wanted to enter Mexico with. Thankfully, I still have a week to learn much from Him. It started yesterday with a reminder that I can't do anything apart from Christ. What a thought. I hope God honors my faith. I'm taking this a baby step at a time.


Today my prayer is for myself. That I would realize (and continually be reminded that I can't do anything apart from Him). That I would grow in humility, in faithfulness, and in hunger for growth. I desire to be completely focused from here on out.

Friday Afternoon Thoughts

I was watching a neat documentary called Galapagos yesterday.

This BBC created movie is about the little island by the same name. Prior to viewing this film I thought that the only thing in existence with that moniker "Galapagos" was the Galapagos turtle (I like to call them G-turts). Never did I once consider that there could be an island of the same name (nor, for that matter, a wondrous environment all the same).

I was so wrong.

As I sat down and just absorbed the breathtaking images, I found myself amazed with all the animals I was watching. I'm far from an animal lover, but I found something curiously addicting about the creativity inherently expressed in these animals. I saw fish (even fish of the jelly variety) of LITERALLY every color in the spectrum. I saw seagulls with the wild rings of red around their eyes. I saw dragons literally jumping from cliffs into the ocean. There were even birds wearing the most fashionably blue webbed feet. It was stellar.

This naturally led me to thinking about Who was creating these animals in the first place. As a I pursued that thought, I considered the possibility of someone/something other than God creating all of these animals. If it were possible, I concluded, it is merely the most amazing anomaly in the history of man. I thought about thinking even deeper but didn't want to waste my time.

So I just sat and smiled. I grew so appreciative of how creative God is. When it got to the part where they filmed the eels that hide on the ocean floor, I thought about the other dynamic of these cool animals--their food. I thought that not only would I probably never visit Galapagos, I am not affected by any means by these animals. Yet, God is extremely interested in these animals; even involved in the intricacies of their diet.

Then the verses started flooding my head.

Not a single sparrow falls to the ground apart from the will of God.
We think we're slick with our fishing skills even though we fail to remember that we're nothing compared to the leviathan.
He can number the hairs on our head!
He calls the stars by name.
He can hold the Pleides in His hands and wouldn't break a sweat.

And what more...He's FAR more interested in us than he is any of those things.


At the end of the day, I found myself concluding the very same thing that G.K. Chesterton did so long ago. Nature is not our mother. Nature is our sister. Since we are of the same Father, we can simply sit back and admire.

And admire I happily did.

Why Eugene Peterson Rocks

“We must pray who we actually are, not who we think we should be. In prayer, all is not sweetness and light. The way of prayer is not to cover our unlovely emotions so that they will appear respectable, but expose them so that they can be enlisted in the work of the kingdom.”

-taken from Answering God

Monday Musings

The weekend was pleasant. I got to celebrate the 50th anniversary of a couple from my old church. I find that absolutely amazing. To spend 50 years with ANYONE is a feat in and of itself. This is especially true in the current society where filing divorce papers seems to be as common as filing taxes.

Naturally I thought back of Glorie. We always talked of our future marriage. It's tragic that they remained mere words.

When it came down to reaffirming the vows, Charles said one of the most genuine things I've ever heard in my life. I'll never forget it:

"Merle, I took you as my wife 50 years ago today. I loved you back then and I still love you now. If I had to do it over again, I'd marry you any day of the week. I love you." *kiss*


What a guy.

To commemorate, they handed out swans at the celebration. I have taken the liberty of capturing a digital image of said swans (these two are of the clear variety) and want to share it here.


Now the scary part...those rings that are on the swans' necks? They fit my hand perfectly.

La la la

why sleep when you can stay up going mad with your thoughts?

Friday Morning Thoughts

Yesterday wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Obviously thoughts of her were inevitable, but I wasn't as sad as I thought I'd be. Instead, I discovered that I may be further along in the healing process than I thought. Whenever I was reminded of her, there was an equal [opposite] thought that she wasn't thinking about me. I'd like to think that our relationship was special enough to her that she'd miss me just a little but maybe I wasn't special to her. It's odd really. Maybe I'm just entering a numb phase of this process.

Vocationally, school has been rather trying. I barely passed two of my tests last week [but got among the top 10% on my quiz in another]. I may drop my abnormal psych class. I find it interesting but self-interest can only go so far if the class itself is unbelievably dry. School in and of itself has been kind of bleh for me though.

Spiritually, I'm on a pretty intense roller coaster. Sometimes I walk side-by-side (step-for-step) with Him. Other times I bathe in my sin. It creates this really disgusting feeling inside of me. I feel like I make the Cross cheap. It was times like this when Glorie proved so wonderful. When I would confide in her, she was simply encourage me and point me back to the Savior. Saving me from me most.

Truly, it is times like this when it is of critical importance to know who you are and Whose you are. The most lethal weapon at the enemy's disposal is the finger of accusation. However, by the blood of Jesus, that weapon has been completely taken away from him. Therefore, we must always keep in mind that as trying as life becomes, we are the redeemed of God. In essence, we are the living reflection of I AM. As such, let us never succumb to the lies that we are worthless or pathetic or ugly or any of that crap. Instead, in light of the wonderful cross of Christ, we must always champion the FACT that we are who God says we are.

364 Days

It will have been one year exactly tomorrow.

It's startling to consider just how dramatically things change given one year. I would have never believed that things would have unraveled the way that they have. I suppose that's Life.


I still think about you my wonderful friend. I still wonder what's going on in your head. Still consider how profound your impact will be for the Kingdom. Still contemplating ways to make you sharper.

I miss you.

What a sunday too!

Today I got to celebrate the baptism of my friend Sam. The only other time I remember cheering louder was during graduation.


"Therefore if anyone is in Christ behold they are a new creation. The old is gone the new is come."

What a weekend

Yesterday and today I had the pleasure of spending time with my Mexico group. Our meetings have been nice thus far, but man was this weekend ever so sweet. We had the pleasure of staying in a cabin over at Lake Lanier. Yesterday and today I was able to be a part of one of the most beautiful things I've ever experienced in my life.

The intent of our retreat was to promote unity within our group. Since we are a team, it would be foolish to go down to Merida unless we were, well, a team. As such, we could not fully comprise a true team until we became more familiar with each other. Thus the retreat.

Naturally, part of what we did was share our testimonies with each other. Therein lies the beauty. It was just radically different this time around. Instead of hearing mere words, I was experiencing the replay of life. Tears became standard currency and hearts were in one accord in complete brokenness.

However, the most jubilant part was the fact that every single story ended with redemption. Although our backgrounds were entirely different, the chorus of Jesus rang true every single time a story was told. Tears continued flowing from all of our faces but they flowed from joyful hearts. Smiles lit up the room and laughter warmed it. It was surreal.

On the way home I just dwelled upon our weekend. I've never felt so privileged to be a part of a team so wonderful. What more, I've never been so blown away by God. There's something that's just indescribably curious about the love of God. I couldn't stop smiling all the way home.

It was stellar.

Thoughtful Thursday

Lisa, my dear friend who expressed the common sentiment of "I love Leviticus", recently shared something profound with me. I was sharing with her how rich I'm finding the Old Testament to be and just how much I'm learning about God through mundane things like the law. To this she responded with the following:

"The wonderful thing about the bible is this: when you read the new testament, you really start to fall in love with Jesus. When you read the old testament, you really start to fall in love with God the Father."


I would agree. However, there is but one phrase that should be used as an addendum to what she said.


When you read the New Testament, you really start to fall in love and cherish Jesus.
When you read the Old Testament, you really start to fall in love and cherish God the Father.
When you simply go through Life, you really start to fall in love and cherish the Holy Spirit.


Amen? Amen.

Discovering Joy

I was reading through John Ortberg's "The Life You've Always Wanted" when inevitably I encountered the chapter concerning joy. I've heard a lot about joy and thought it would be a sleep-a-thon when I started reading.

I was right.

However, I did find one thing that got drilled into my head the more and more I thought about it. It was a reference to Psalm 118:24. It's the verse that says "this is the day that the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."

I'm quite familiar with this verse. Yet, the thing that made it new to me was the fresh way with which the author unpacked the loaded implications of the verse. Today is the day that the Lord has made. Be sure to note that it doesn't say anything along the lines of "Yesterday was God's day...how joyful was then" or "Tomorrow will be the best day ever--until then I'll just have to put up with everything."

The truly challenging implication of this verse is that it forced me to address the fact that my joy won't magically come once my conditions change. Consider the small context:

- Once I FINALLY graduate, will joy start flowing through my life more completely than before?
- Will life be that much more satisfying once I get a new car?

The tie-in to the big context should be obvious by now:

- Will my pleasure be all the more complete if I get to talk to Glorie again?
- Do I begin my celebration only when issues are resolved between my family and the Santos family?


Note that these thoughts do not, by any means, disregard the seriousness of any of the matters. It's important to graduate just as much as it's important to address the "stuff" between my family and hers. However, the truly significant thing to always keep in mind is that those issues are never going to be the beginning of joy. In other words, if joy is going to happen, it must begin today.

All of this said, I find it easy to talk a big game but not so easy to follow through. I can charade around my Christian friends with some mask pretending as if I have all the joy in the world, but what good would that do? The fact of the matter is, I've always found difficulty balancing the reality of the sadness from some things in my life and the joy of knowing Christ.


However, I have discovered something wildly intriguing. In this whirlwind of a journey I have found that the more often I focus on my situation (and thus myself), the more infinite my depression. Hopeless would in fact be the more precise word. On the other hand, the more that I focus on Christ (thus realizing that my life isn't even about me), the more blissful life seems to become. Perhaps it is for this very reason that so many people (in very sad situations) were able to exude pure joy. Elites such as Mother Teresa, St. Paul the apostle, St. Francis of Assisi, and Dietrich Bonhoeffer must have made this connection early on in order to display such elation (despite their daily circumstances). Distilled in its purest form, the truth boils down to a singular question: "Is Christ enough?"

But is He?

The advertising winner is:

Amp energy drink!

Honorable mention:



Coca-Cola!



Quick facts for your trivial pleasure:

- Super Bowl XLII was the most watched Super Bowl ever. 97.5 million viewers watched the program far passing the previous record of 94.08 million viewers.

- Super Bowl XLII was the 2nd most watched program ever (right behind the series finale of M*A*S*H which 106 million people watched).

- Although the numbers are pretty gross ($3M = 30 seconds of time), considering the viewership, the ads were a sound investment. Paying roughly $0.03 to reach every 1 person is an unbelievable value for advertisers. Considering the "sticking" power of the Super Bowl itself, one could even assert that the $3M spent was a "steal."

Friday Night Thoughts

Tonight was a typical weird night for me.

I didn't do anything particularly special during the day. Worked and the like. When I got home I practiced the set list I was to play for our bible study. Now that I think of it, I don't really know how I ended up in that little role. I'm not any good. Maybe we just can't find anyone else?

Anywho, the bible study was really great. Half of our group was missing but thankfully Kuya Alain and Ate Nice showed up. What more, God decided to show up BIG tonight. It was great just singing praises to the King and just having intellectually stimulating conversations about Him. It's kind of cool what can happen when you decide to be expectant. Although we were all pretty bummed that we couldn't continue our study for tonight (that's kinda what happens when you are missing 2/3 of your group), it was nonetheless encouraging to rediscover the fact that God is awesome even without a lesson plan.

Some things came up during the night that reminded everyone of Glorie so that was kinda awkward. Everyone did the whole "should we ask or should we not" body language that I've grown rather accustomed to by now. Oh well.

The drive home was tranquil. I reflected on the night and realized that I was the only non married person that went to the study. One thing stuck with me that I couldn't quite understand (cause I didn't have kids). The thought shared was that whenever your kids go through something, as a parent you feel their hurt so much more. Everyone agreed heartily with the assessment. So, driving home, I thought about my parents.

As I was making my letters yesterday, I got a hold of my mom's address book. While perusing for addresses, among the very first pages were some particularly noteworthy names. Tita Edna, Tita Belle, Tita Maricor, and even Raychill's mom were all in the book. I never contemplated just how well my mom got along with all of Glow's family. I got sad pretty quickly. Not only was my mom heartbroken cause I was so devastated, but she probably felt hurt on a personal level just because she considered Tita Maricor one of her better friends. It's tragic.

For so long my mom has tried to resolve this situation all on here own. But she can't. No one can. Yet, this is the first time I've ever wanted to resolve the situation. Not solely for me now though; now I see how it's affecting her as well.

Thus far

I have observed the following:

- If there comes a time in the future when one can be certified unversed, I will be the standard with which such a certification will be crafted against. The more and more I journey through life, the more and more I realize how truly little i know of it.

- Prof. Brown posited a question to the entire class today. Why is it that currently banking institution x is willing to refinance a prospective buyer who has overextended themselves in the first place (by buying a house that they can't afford) at an extremely low rate yet when another buyer, who is not in debt at all, is unable to get the same rate? That is, why are banks bending over backwards for people in debt yet being stringent to those who aren't? This goes to show why the mortgage industry is in such a mess.

- This is how you know God is awesome. When God gave the Ten Commandments, He made it such that one of them was to take one day off to rest. Huzzah!

- If McCain winning FL means he is likely to be the GOP candidate, then I foresee a very weak race this fall.

- Why don't we help each other out more?



Odd. I know.

Agua de castano

I was walking down the street when it caught my eye.

Water was quickly streaming down the street. I approached yet observed all the while.

As I neared the source I saw that the water was not well. Sediments of every imagination were clearly apparent in the substance.

Then, as I hop-scotched my way to General Classroom Building, I thought:


"There's sewer water spewing onto the street."




fin.

1:23 A.M.

It's so frustrating.
Everything...literally everything reminds me of her.
I hung out with Mike and Case today. They talked about planning another trip like the ski trip. The ski trip was one of my favorite memories of us; as it was for her.
I saw Cloverfield. Obviously every cheesy love story will remind me of her.
I went to Mar and Mandy's house today. Matt and Kelvin were there. I remember so clearly when we all ate at house of blues to celebrate her birthday.

I wonder what she's doing right now.
I wonder what she's dreaming about.
I wonder what's going on in her life.
Does she remember the movement she's a part of? Does she recall the God she's dedicated her life to? Does she remember casting vision for the potential in my life just as I did her? Does she recollect the vision she had for her group? Does she remember how brightly she shines? Does she consider how her life is impacting others? Does she remember her life at all?
I only want to encourage her.
I want to spur her memory and remind her of how strong she was and still is.
I want to challenge her to become the beautiful woman that she was on track to becoming.
I want to show her, in my own creative way, that I haven't stopped praying/supporting her.
I want her to know that she has much life to live.
I want her to know that she has many lives to impact.
I want to pray with her.
I want to tell her how much she's [still] cared for by me and my family.
I want to tell her that she's loved very, very dearly.

But I can't.
And it's ridiculous that I can't.
I was told to yield because it was "their time."
Yet it's no longer their time.
They aren't even an item.
So what's the hold up?
Why would they continue to filter me out of her life?

Have I not shown myself to be faithful to her ever since the beginning?
Have I not prayed just as hard as any single person involved in this situation for her life?
Have I not proved myself to likewise desire what's best for Glorie?
Is it that farfetched to believe that I could be a catalyst for Glorie's recovery?
Am I not among the few who truly know her on a profound level?
Does that not count?







I miss you Glorie.

You're so important to me.

Friday Night Thoughts

There has been something of a theme the past couple of days for me.

Every monday and wednesday, during my 40 minute journey to school, I listen to the podcast of my church. Monday, Andy was talking through this series dubbed, "The Sinai Code." He started to walk us through the ten commandments.

It got me thinking about the premise of the Ten Commandments. You see, a lot of people I've talked with sort of despise those ten things. It doesn't really stem from an issue with rules like "do not murder" because, well, murder is just universally bad. Rather, the issue comes from the simple fact that the Ten Commandments, in one way or another, have equated to the icon of Christian rules and regulations. In other words, because the Ten Commandments exist, Christianity must be a big list of "do this" and "don't do that."

Little did I know that I would soon be thinking about "Christian Rules" for the rest of the week.

Tuesday I was with a group that gets together to try and understand how to read the bible better. Before long we were sharing about what we thought about the Old Testament. I shared how the Old Testament was never relevant to me until this past year. I had the misconception that the O.T. was nothing more than Leviticus repeated over and over again with the occasional interesting story sprinkled here and there. Oh and if you don't know what Leviticus is it's a book of the bible that will make you question why anyone would want to be a Christian in the first place. It's also fabulous bedtime reading.

Anywho, after I finished talking, Lisa, a woman sitting with me in the group, responded immediately by saying "I love leviticus. I think it's very rich once you understand more about God." I never thought I would hear the words love and leviticus in the same sentence in my entire life and yet I just did. I sat befuddled and decided to just be quaint the rest of the night.

Then the book I'm reading talked about "Christian boundary markers." Clearly a message was trying to be sent to me.

So, after being able to soak it in for the past few days, I've made many observations. Among them, I have found the following to be the most noteworthy:

- The Christian Faith isn't about do this and don't do that. Rather, the focus of the Faith has always been [and will always be] about a relationship between us and God.

- If Christianity were about following rules, then logically speaking, someone could be good enough to enter heaven. But that's not the case. If you search the entire bible, you will never find the word heaven written in the same context of any "rule" written in the bible.

- On the other hand, "rules" do serve a purpose in a Saint's life. They're not boundaries in the same way barbed wire serve as restrictions to a prisoner. Instead, they moreso resemble a path in a grassy field or jungle. You don't have to follow that path by any means...but often times you realize that when you travel on the journey of life, that path only helps to provide guidance to your destination.

- Once you make the correlation between the two, you can say things like "I love leviticus." Or you can be like David and write brilliant poetry like Psalm 19.

blah

awake
asleep

thinking
thoughtless

inebriated
controlled

smiling
unknown

blessed
thankful

average
humble

remedy
cold

truth
peace
love
joy




me? I'm not. but I know I AM.

Something's amiss

The "funk" I've been in lately has carried over into this week. It's uncool I say.

I don't really know where it is. It's like a bizarre feeling of emptiness that is peculiarly indescribable. There are no major catalysts to drive this force. School and work are both pretty consistent. Nothing extremely extraordinary is disrupting the equation. It's just a big, fat empty hole inside of me that has amassed [seemingly] out of nowhere.

In other news, I think I have found a glimmer of peace in the Glow situation. I have come to the conclusion that I am/was an important person to her/family or I am not/wasn't. If I never was, then all of this would make more sense to me. It would explain why it took a month or so to forget about me. It would also explain why they seem to be so remiss about my welfare. That is, it would give insight as to why it was so easy to do some of the things they did and have disregard for the implications thereof.

However, if I was/am as important to them/her as I believe I was/am, then this situation should be disturbing them just as thoroughly as its disturbing me. The burned bridge may have less priority in their life right now (and rightfully so...considering the situation with Glorie's continued recovery) but it is nonetheless a very significant issue in their lives.

The reason why this brings some peace to me is that it provides an inkling of closure. If the situation is the former, then it everything wouldn't be so disturbing for me anymore. I would have greater understanding as to why they made some of the decisions that they made. If it's the latter, then it's only a matter of time when Glow and I will be reunited.

It seems unlikely that there is a 3rd possibility. For that to be true it would mean that I had great importance then had little importance (or vice-versa). If I went from great to little, it still wouldn't explain why I was forgotten about so quickly. Surely it would be reasonable to believe this to be the case after a year or so perhaps, but for everything to deteriorate within a matter of weeks [as they did] is simply unbelievable.

If I went from little to great, then it would imply that the first few years of our relationship were unimportant to begin with. It would then imply that I gained the most significance right when the fallout started to happen. This doesn't make any sense at all as, instinctively, humans secure most tightly what is of greatest importance to them. This particular circumstance seems least likely to me of all possibilities.

Regardless of how it all turns out, I suppose it's only a matter of time now before truth is finally revealed. If they are just now able to see what has happened as a result of all this, I can only place my faith in the One who changes hearts. After all, He is the one who melted the stony walls around my heart even when I was ignorant of what I did. If the truth ends up being that I was nothing more than a forgotten memory, then at the very least I would start having answers. And, as a result, I wouldn't have to cry so much anymore.

Alas, until I can gain more clarity regarding this, I remain steady. I will continue to pray (as I have been ever since I got that letter) that truth would be revealed [especially to me]. I can't afford not to be humble in this situation. There's too big a lesson to be learned from this. It is my hope, therefore, that when I can finally show this situation as a scar (and not a scab), that the experience gained would be rich and worth sharing.

01/21/08

"Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illuminates it." - Martin Luther King Jr.


wow.

Feelin' Funky

This past week has been a bad one for me. The thing is, I don't really know what is the cause of it. There's nothing particularly significant going on. School has been consistently school like. The only thing that's been extraordinary has been all the snow that we've been getting; the snow has been a good thing though so yeah.

My dad is now officially half a century old. That's impressive. He said he felt old. I then thought about if I would ever make it to that age. I got scared. I stopped pondering that possibility.

Ethan spent the weekend at the house. He's quite talkative. He's also curious about everything. I envy him so.

Everyone seems to be doing well except me. But I don't know why I'm not doing well. Thinking about Jesus helps a little bit. Thinking about talking with her again doesn't help as much as it used to.

It's strange. A really depressing strange. Maybe it's just a bad week. Hopefully it's just a bad week. That would make me happy; bad weeks are ok...aren't they?

I wonder if Jesus had bad weeks...

Friday Night Thoughts

Fred = :-(

oh snapz!

look what was awaiting me at home:






HUZZAH!

For realz?!

If you squint really hard at the poorly captured picture, you can almost see snowflakes! Snow in Georgia = fred is d(^_^)b


To celebrate this festive moment in history, here are some additional related pics that have likewise inspired celebration.

Okay I hear you now

I'm not a believer in coincidence. I simply don't think it exists. Recently, however, I couldn't help but notice an underlying theme in some things in my life.

It started on Monday. Finished with class and unwilling to partake in the delightful bliss of Atlanta traffic, I stopped by the BCM (that's Baptist Collegiate Ministry to all you uninformed). It's always interesting to meet people in the BCM house. I ended up meeting with a long lost friend--Cheryl. We caught up briefly and ultimately walked away knowing that we had much to catch up on with each other's lives.

In any case, the best part about Monday was my discussion with a gentleman named Sam. Initially, Sam gave me the impression as one of those high energy people that make me uncomfortable. He had so much energy that I basically wanted to ask him to turn it down a couple of levels. But he did...without me a asking. It was a blessing.

We ended up engaging in conversation when things took a turn for the deep end. He shared his feelings about what he likes about the church and what he doesn't. Why he felt many had misconceptions about Christianity and why he wants to change that. Why he loves Jesus so much and why he wanted to share that. The most captivating thing though was that he shared how much needed to be done by the church (that's us) in regards to regular people.

You see, in Sam's opinion, it has become trendy to be compassionate. Going to Africa to help fight aids is cool now. Going to latin America to help build some shelter is chic in modern culture. Plenty of people (Christ-centered or not) are doing it. However, what about the people here? That is, does someone have to be near death and drinking bacteria filled water just to receive compassion?

The burden most intense to Sam are the people that are just plain awkward. The people that you meet that are just a little off. They come off as extremely shy and act kind of quirky. To Sam, Jesus loves them so much.

I walked away smiling at Sam's compassion.


This morning, while reading my book, I read about a woman named Mable. She had a very tragic story. In sum, cancer was a major player in her 25 year residence at the hospital. However, when the author's friend visited Mable, something miraculous happened. Mable was the most joyful person that they had ever met. So, despite Mable's [sad] condition and the friend's [normal] one, Mable was actually the one who was taking care of him. As I read, the pages were filled with stories about how Mable would give a flower or offer some candy to her fellow hospitalized patients. Mable memorized much of the bible and would often finish sentences whenever being read to. It was impressive.


As I reflected today, I realized something very simple. Mable is one incredibly beautiful person. Nevermind the fact that she's 85. Forget the fact that her cancer has formed welts on her face such that her mouth is deformed and she's perpetually drooling.

Mable is beautiful.

That awkward guy that Sam loves meeting? Beautiful.

All the little kids that are on the make-a-wish list? Beautiful.


Here's the caveat...

Osama Bin Laden? Beautiful.

That person who killed your brother cause they chose to drink and drive? Gorgeous.

The unfaithful person who decided to stab you in the back? Stunning.



The parallel is that when you see people for who they are on the inside, you realize that they are nothing short of breathtaking. You realize that there's a genuine reflection of God inside of every single person. They may be as saintly as Mother Teresa or as vile as Hitler. When you strip it all down, we are all equally in need of Jesus.

The things people do are certainly disgusting. Pain is real. When you endure that pain SOLELY because it's the ramification of someone else's decision, the pain is amplified. And it sucks. But then you realize that that's precisely what happened to Christ.

and that's the difference.

Friday Afternoon Thoughts

I had the most surreal of dreams yesterday night.

I'm not quite sure how the beginning of it came to be, but eventually I found myself at Glorie's house again. I took a step inside and was just inside her house. Then I saw Praise. She was as pleasantly surprised to see me as I was to see her. We shared a long hug and both started to cry. It was one of those moments where you just know what the other person wanted to say even though nothing is said. I said "I love you. I miss you so much." Then we both just kept crying. Then I woke up.

I don't really know what to make of my dreams. Often times my dreams are so lucid that I end up losing sleep. This one was incredibly real. But I'm not sure what to make of it.

For all I know I could be a long forgotten whisper in Praise's world. Or, equally likely, she could be missing me just as much as I miss her. Surely her parents gave her the same set of restrictions that mine gave me. Something along the lines of it being best not to contact the other person cause it's what they want.

But I want to talk with Praise. I want to hear about her various laurels she has received even one singular semester into her collegiate career. Ideally, we'd share it over ice cream.

Yet we don't have those conversations...which is why waking up this morning was rather bittersweet.

I remain hopeful that perhaps one day I'll be able to speak with Praise AND Glorie again. For now, I suppose I can only accept the fact that I'm simply not allowed to. If there's anything the past 6 months have showed me it's that no matter how much you love someone, it's their choice to love you back. Life was grand when everyone was loving everyone with no dissension at all.

On the contrary, it's MUCH more difficult to love when it's a one-way street. That is, it's easy to love someone when they're lavishing gifts on you and constantly telling you wonderful things. Yet when you choose to love the same person, despite how badly they have hurt you, that's the kind of love that is truly worth cherishing. It's precisely that love that is never glamorized but ridiculously hard to find.


So, just to be real, with all of that said, here it is.

I miss you. All of you. Ridiculously. Sometimes I wish I could just be assured that I'm missed too.

But I don't have that assurance. And that's ok. I ain't mad at 'cha.

If he's that memorizing and captivating then so be it. If 4 years of blissful accord can be forgotten so easily then so be it.

As for me, I refuse to value you as anything less than a treasure in my life. And that valuation still remains despite the recent events. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is,

I love you.

Thursday surprises

It was late in the evening and everyone had long left the house. Everyone was well on their way home and I was almost done cleaning up the house. Finally my residence was tidy and the 360 was neatly stowed. The time had come--it was time I open the rest of my Christmas gifts! Yes, I realize that Christmas was over 2 weeks ago but when you're of the great archipelago called Philippines, time is rather general in nature. To be specific would be bizarre. Alas, here were the goods:

- a box of guitar strings for Sasha

- Chocolate covered pecans.

- Cinnamon glazed pecans.

- DCB songbook for "Remedy"

- Blade body spray and shower gel (someone else got me a gilette razor...perhaps people are trying to send me a message?)

- an LED camouflage colored flashlight

- Old Navy long sleeve.



I like opening presents.

And the winner is...

PSYC 3401 - Abnormal Psychology



I know I know. Just when you thought you had me figured out I surprise ya.



Get excited.

An arduous decision

Entering my last semester (hopefully) of college, I find myself with an enjoyable dilemma. Apparently, HOPE will pay for one more class for me despite my only needing 9 more hours to finish. So, I can basically take any class I want for free.

Monday was spent going through the course catalog of potential candidates. Among said candidates, I found the following to be most noteworthy:

- Digital Photography || I always wanted to take a photography class. Pictures can convey (and elicit) such deep thought/meaning. Of course the other incentive for me taking such a class was to always surprise Glorie and show her that she isn't the only person talented with a camera.

- Intro to Theatre 1 || I miss it so much.

- Night Club Management || This seemed alluring for me just cause I think it'd be hilarious if I owned a night club. The most disturbing thing is that that idea is completely feasible.

- Spirituality in America || Ideally I'd like to take another religious studies class. I always heard good things about the Islam class but that one is only offered on Tuesday/Thursday. I want to take this one but Dr. White's classes always require a lot of reading. Reading + last semester = fred's not going to read at all.

- Beverage Management || This is basically a wine tasting class. The only caveat is that I'm not really a huge fan of wine. Add to that the fact that the professor doesn't really have good ratings. Plus you have to pay $50 just to register.


I'm still not sure what I should pick. Perhaps I should just stick with my slack 3 classes and make friends with some homeless people in between classes. Decisions decisions...

Friday Night Thoughts (Filipino Time)

Every other friday I attend a small group bible study with all the old people from my church. In the past, I have not always been too high on this group. In the past, I've secretly been critical of the way the bible study has been run. Some things just weren't good enough for me. We would never start/end on time. There would be a lack of focus. The absence of a clear cut leader bothered me. The list goes on.

Last night was no different. On my way to the bible study I was pessimistic about the how well the group would go this year. The group made new aspirations to make '08 be a year of difference and yet I heard that line too many times before. I simply wasn't a believer.

Much to my delight, yesterday night turned out to be wildly different than what I initially expected. Instead of the same old song and dance, the group was focused and excited to learn about Christ. So much so, in fact, that the love for the Lord was contagious in the room. It was something I had never experienced in that setting before.

While driving home, I reflected upon the night. I remembered why I had set my expectations so low but couldn't quite figure out why the night turned out so well. Then, almost instantly, I realized what happened; I underestimated God.

It's truly wonderful to consider how much God honors faith. Before the new year, everyone in our group was driven to be more committed in growing in Him. Sure enough, God smiled at our determination. The rest was His(tory).

Mind Wanderer

There's nothing particularly noteworthy in my life right now. In no particular order, I have found the following swimming in my brain:

- I wonder if Politically Jenn is back from her trip.

- I hope I graduate this semester.

- I wonder what Glorie is doing right now.

- The Kingdom was more interesting than I thought.

- What if people took politics seriously...imagine the change.

- What if people took God seriously...imagine the CHANGE.

- Why don't I always take God seriously?

- I wonder if my car will be iced again tomorrow morning.

- I hope my mom feels better.



Guess that's it for now.

Missing Passion

It was a year ago but the memories are still fresh.

I was STILL jetlagged from the Philippines.
I was barely getting 5 hours of sleep per night.
I was still getting accustomed to the fact that winter means cold weather.

Yet I was so happy. Passion was in full swing and I was with my Florida family.




Everything still reminds me of Glorie.

New Beginnings

I bid adieu to thee 2007. I had no idea how intense the roller coaster ride was going to be but alas I survived nonetheless. Thou has brought me extreme pain and joy and have left me equally impacted as a result. Nevertheless, I couldn't be any happier turning a new page.

By the grace of God, I hope to accomplish the following this year:

- Pray more. Specifically, I want to be more focused in praying for other people.

- Love more. That is, my desire is to view people as they truly are (and not how they appear to be).

- Give more. Money, time, ears, hugs, counsel, whatever.

- Be a remedy. I am determined to get to know one of the homeless people this semester at State.

- Cast vision. Hopefully this year I will be able to live up to the leadership roles that God has placed me in.

- Be grateful. This year I am planning on dedicating the last thursday of EVERY month focusing on what I should be grateful for. Whose idea was it to wait until November anyway?

- Read my bible more. The fact that this one is listed seventh shows why I need to work hard on this one.

- Be a better guitar player. Sasha and Peter have such untapped potential. Music is so hard.

- Start my dream of being an amateur film maker. Video has such raw power for conveying messages. I hope to use it for His glory.

- Develop rich friendships. That is, I hope to go deeper with all my current ones, take pleasure in all my new ones, and reconcile all the broken ones (ESPECIALLY them).



Happy 2008.