Prayer Time: Appendix A

I recently watched a video of Glorie's old hospital room. While I can't say that I had an entirely positive response to the video, one of the things I was most amazed with was the sheer outpouring of love on Glorie. She is very, very loved.

Anyway, there is one thing that bothered me. Whomever edited the video, felt it necessary to put in the words "thank you for praying. It's WORKING."

Now, let's just explore this in context. I am absolutely certain that whomever did the video (I hypothesize that it is either Praise or Myriam), inserted this particular tidbit as a showcase of gratitude. That is, to let the viewer (and trust me, the viewer is someone whom accessed must have been allowed cause the video is well hidden) understand completely that their prayers are received with full appreciation. As a result of said prayers, God has responded in marvelous ways.

However, this is precisely my issue. To say that prayer is "working" would be to imply that prayer is some sort of formula. In essence, the thing that could be concluded is that the more that you pray the more that you get what you ask for. But that's not the case. You don't pray and see whether it "works" or not.

To be fair, this is a fairly trivial concern. The video was well made and I am certain that the thought never even crossed anyone else's mind. Yet it bothered me cause, well, I just wrote a mini essay regarding the very topic so I suppose it was just fresh on my mind.

Thus this post.

Hanging on by a thread

It stings.

Really deep pain.

I thought I'd never experience this again?

Who goes through rock bottom again? There's a reason it's called rock bottom.

I kind of feel like Job. But hearing that sentence makes me realize how ridiculous I am. My pain is nothing compared to Jobs (or Jesus' for that matter).

Yet, I still feel pain. Won't you just enlighten me Lord?
Are my questions that foolish to you? When I say "why?" does it really waste Your time that much to answer me?

I know the answer. I'm not entitled to a response from You. Trying to explain Your ways to me would be the equivalent of relating Galactic astronomy to a chocolate chip cookie.

But it still hurts.

That video burned images into my brain. The support is surreal. But there's that one picture. Centered to her right. he was holding her hand instead of me. Much less, it appears as though I don't exist right now.

I feel rejected.

Of all people, my family would hurt me.





Merciful Jesus...I need your rescue badly.

O Praise Him

I'm not one to allow mindless youtube watching to consume a majority of my time. However, this is one of the most incredible videos I've seen in my life.

It was worth posting.

re: contemplative catharsis

Well, God answered that one pretty quickly.

contemplative catharsis

I am weary.

With everything that has been going on with Glorie, I have tried my absolute hardest to play the biggest support role that I could. I have done everything in my power to disrobe my selfishness and clothe myself with humility and love. I have taken great lengths to make it personal that I ensure as many people as I could that there is hope in a situation as grave as Glorie's was. Gracefully, God has responded fervently. He has single-handedly restored Glorie from her previous condition and is continuing to do so daily. Amazing no?

However, I find myself in a horrible situation. I desire so badly to help in any way that I can. Yet, I also desire to stay out of the way of Glorie's family. I am such a simpleton. I can't begin to grasp what it's like to experience this situation from a Mother/Father's perspective (and for that matter, from a sister's perspective). I sincerely love Glorie, Praise, Tita Maricor and Tito Henry. They are my family. Yet why do they remain distant from me? The only other time I've felt like this was right before Praise's graduation. It turns out everyone was silent because Glorie had chosen Ryan. It appeared to be best to keep the news from me because no one wanted to hurt me. Yet, it stung all the more when I found out that everyone knew except me.

What if that's what's happening here? What if my 2nd family is choosing to remain distant from me to send me another clear message? What if I'm really not accepted the way that I thought that I was. Could it be that my time has passed? I am not loved in the same way that I once was? They may not want me around right now. If that's the case, that's ok...you know? I can accept that. Yet why would they choose not to tell me so? I just miss talking with them.

The fact that I entertain such filthy thoughts is beyond me as well. I cannot allow for there to be even a hint of doubt in my belief. Glorie needs me to support her and support her I shall. My focus cannot be shaken at such a critical time. My desire is simply to intercede for Glorie to the Lord.


It sure does hurt though. I'm finding it more and more difficult to encourage others. Not because there's nothing to encourage about, but because it's simply hard for me. I keep giving and giving and giving more of myself. Yet I feel like when's the last time I ever received anything?

But then again, it's not about me so what the nutz am I complaining about? *sigh*


I need help.

Prayer Time Pt. 2

Honestly, I'm a little confused as to how to answer the question of "what does prayer look like?" Further, I'm not even sure I know anything about anything. When thinking about my response to my question, I immediately thought of Jesus' prayer in the book of Matthew, but realized I wouldn't be able to explore that sufficiently. Then I thought about simply redirecting the attention to those who can explain better than me (Louie Giglio - Prayer: Remix). Yet, I still found that to be more of a cop out than anything else. So, I'm simply going to break it down the way I think is most uncomfortable--by exploring it myself.

I've always thought that prayer was something to do because it was "holy." We always prayed at my house before meals because it was proper. We always prayed in the morning and at night because it was appropriate. However, this actually led to guilt and shame for me. When I was at school, and didn't have my spiritual giant grandfather stewarding me through life, I quickly forgot to pray. In fact, there would be rounds where I'd be in front of people but choose not to pray simply because I was embarassed that I'd be the only one doing it. I didn't pray in the morning and at night because, well, it wasn't important to me.

Anyway, fast forward to me post relationship with Christ. I've discovered, just comparing and contrasting my experiences, that there's this profound peace when you lock onto God in prayer. Something about being able to bring all aspects of the small whisper we call life to Him, and then knowing that He hears you, reverberates deeply within. My prayers have not always had the answers I've been looking for. Often times, the answers to my prayers have been "wait." Yet the thing is, I've found the most peace by being completely honest with God and then saying nothing more. I don't have to smother God with religious jargon. I don't have to pretend like I understand everything. I can scream out "it hurts" and not say a word and it will be the most amazing experience just knowing I'm heard. Most profound, perhaps, is when you just sit there in silence, and exit the conversation filled with a sense of peace. It's difficult to explain.

So, to answer the question originally proposed, I guess I don't know what prayer looks like either. I know that all the images aforementioned are usually linked to prayer, but I guess I just had a bone to pick with how sadly limited the view of prayer was. I don't know.

It stems simply from praying for Glorie. I've never prayed for anything so seriously in my life. Perhaps God needed to teach me this lesson through the most excruciating of methods possible. Perhaps not. Nonetheless, I have a newfound respect for this conversation we're allowed.

Prayer Time

Google the word prayer. Click on the images link. 95% of the images you'll find depict some person who looks like their trying with all their might to concentrate on something. Their hands will usually be locked in a mystifying position that would usually serve no other purpose. Almost always, that person's eyes will be closed.
Some of the images even have artistic lighting! The dramatic rays of sun appear to have a profound effect on the person praying. As if to say, "this person is praying so well that even the sun is taking notice." Yet this is what perplexes me the most.

Don't get me wrong. I love praying. I think it's powerful and tranquil. Yet is this the image of prayer? Why not a simple smile? Why not tears? Laughter? What about an empty room with no dramatic sun?

Having faith in Christ has allowed me to understand some of the images that I see on Google. Often times the closed eyes and concentration are to better focus on the God that the prayer is to. The hands, for one reason or another, also help in this regard. The bowing can usually be linked to a reflection of the soul at that time. As if the body is involuntarily saying, "I'm small. You're big. Who am I to stand up to you?"

All of these things are good things. However, I believe that it's of critical importance for everyone (Jesus follower or not), to understand that praying is not merely the presenting of a laundry lists of desires to God. If that were the sad truth, then I may as well worship Santa Clause as the pinnacle treasure in my life.

Rather, I believe it's of paramount importance to truly understand (and view) prayer as an invitation; God allowing us to have a really awesome conversation. Note that one of the requirements for a conversation is two-way communication. Not just, "Here Jesus! You are awesome and by the way it'd be great if you gave me this, this, and that." I believe that there needs to be an allowance for the soul to repreive. To receive whatever it is Christ wants us to receive at that moment in time--even if that means receiving nothing at all.

So, how then do we pray? What does "real" prayer look like?


To be continued... :)

On

I've officially turned on my emo switch.

Go Braves?

There I was...one among the 45,000 in attendance.

The energy was unreal. Everyone doing the tomahawk chop in unison with the unmistakable beating of the drum. Voices amplified as everyone collectively tried to will the Braves to a victory.

Francoeur scored on an error. The crowd erupted in an even more intense shout.

I joined.

Then I realized...when's the last time I screamed for Jesus this loudly?

Blah

I'm reading C.S. Lewis right now. I wanted to read some of his more famous stuff (i.e. Mere Christianity, Screwtape Letters, Narnia, etc.), yet I was drawn to one of his other books--Grief Observed. It's a personal journal that he wrote after his wife died. I thought that, although I have no such wife (nor is anyone dead for that matter), I may be able to find something worth contemplating in the book.

Anyway, I'm almost done with chapter one and have already found much to reflect upon. For example, Lewis mulls over the thought that sometimes God chooses to stay silent. When we prosper and are savoring the joy of life at the most high of times, God seems to shout most loudly at us; reminding us that we are dependant on Him. Other times, Lewis says, when we reside temporarily in empty misery, no matter how hard we kick and scream God says nothing at all. He says that the pinnacle example of this is when Jesus cried out, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" implying the perplexing decision for God to stay silent during times of most critical need.

Personally, having experienced both sides of life, I've found that I can identify with Clive very well. However, again much like Lewis, I've found that experiencing both of these journeys has never led to a wavering of my faith. If anything, it has only aroused a bigger curiousity as to why God chooses to make the decisions that He does.

Still, I can't quite explain it. God does what He wants because...well...simply cause He can. That may not satisfy some people, but that's ok. If you truly sit down and analyze it, if God is truly what He's supposed to be, then it's certainly not out of the question for Him to make decisions just cause He can. Personally, I take solace in the fact that although Jesus is the most mysterious person I've ever met in my life, He allows me insight into His character. Through the Word, I'm able to identify stable, unchanging nuggets of His character, and hold desperately onto those truths in joy and in pain.

Thus I find myself in my current situation.

Anxious but grateful.

Faithless yet faithful.

Smiling in spite of pain.



most proudly...confident in my uncertainty.

Life

Well, for anyone who doesn't know, I've compiled a short list of things everyone who should know.

1) God is hilarious. Ex: Santos Family

2) School is bleh (and supposedly is missed when you get out of it).

3) True friends are a treasure. Cherish them and let them know.

4) Light > Darkness.

5) Even though your labor is comparable to that of a slave, WDW is a place that is dearly missed once you stop working there.

6) Michael Vick is an idiot.

7) Kindness is truly hard to find. Be kind to someone and don't expect anything in return. You'll rave in the assortment of responses that you'll receive.

8) Without faith, life is impossible.

9) Waffle House food will probably be served in heaven.

10) Get excited!

My conundrum

I find this summer school thing to be an extremely obnoxious obstacle in my life.

At the same time, I'm aware that a college education is a precious commodity that will prove invaluable in the long run.

Yet, I cannot find the necessary motivation to have any inkling of motivation toward school. I just want to be in Florida right now.

Nevertheless, my life mission is to be Distinguished. Perhaps this will be a learning experience when it's said and done.

Thinking...

I wonder what I'll be in the future. It's weird when you think about it.

Just take the past 5 years. Looking back, I can't even imagine the shock if I could tell me 17 year old self all that he would be experiencing. He would be meeting an amazing woman named Glorie soon. She would change his life. He would also be meeting an even more amazing person named Jesus. He would change his life even greater. He would end up graduating high school and never change his study habits despite all the naysayers. He would end up working at the Walt Disney World resort and again be completely blown away. The list goes on.

So, I wonder what's in store next you know? Get excited.

feeling...

down.

It came out of nowhere.

continuing with the theme...

This avatar completely fails to encaptulate the fabulousness that is Fred Godoy.

d(^_^)b

100th post!

This marks my 100th post. So instead of writing something profoundly idiotic or incredibly funny, I've decided to let a picture do all the talking.







Oh yeah. I went there.

Life Interrupted

So I've decided to stop being cryptic and start writing about regular stuff for once.

Glorie, a wonderful woman whom I've mentioned several times in this small blog of mine, has recently been involved in an accident. Upon hearing this news, it felt like my life shattered. She had been such an impactful person in my life and I truly can't think of a person I care about more in thie life.

Yet, I've been prepared all this time. When Glow and I broke up, I feel like, in one way or another, God was able to show me that even if He took Glorie away from me, that I would still have Christ. Frankly, it was only at this time that I began to experience how complete and satisfying it is to realize that I was loved. Truly loved.

Enter last week. See it's normal nowadays to hear about accidents or to pass one by on the street. However it's disturbingly different when someone you care about so deeply be involved in one personally. My life was on an upswing. I was somewhat enjoying school, completely enjoying the future possibilities of possibly having leadership roles at my church, and things between Glow and I were getting pure again (mainly cause she was also growing so tremendously in the Lord). Then this interruption happened.

Captivated by the brevity of life, I realized that it was time. Either I put to practice all the idealistic virtues I had been reading about all this time, or sulk for the next few weeks expecting people to have pity on me. Gladly, I chose the former; it has made all the difference.

Listen to me

In light of everything that has happened to me this week, there are two things that could not scream any louder to be true.

1) When calamity arrives (and it will arrive at one point or another), all you will have to lean upon is your faith and your trust. I have had the invaluable opportunity to lean on Christ during my present distress. Having assurance that things are out of my hand and in the hands of a much wiser and more powerful Person has given me comfort beyond understanding.

If, however, you don't have the same rock to stand on, or simply don't believe for that matter, then I hope that whatever you are holding onto is worth having faith in. Humans are delicate, fragile masterpieces. When the foundation gets shaken violently, whatever it is that we cling onto with our small fingers must be something worth holding onto. For that's the very thing. We hold on simply by faith; trusting that it will get better.

2) Secondly, and perhaps of equal importance, is my urgent message for anyone who happens to come across this writing.

Make sure everyone you love knows that you love them. It sounds rather cliche, but the truth sometimes reveals itself in ordinary ways. Do whatever it takes. Carve the time out of your busy schedule and find ways to pick up that phone or drive that extra 15 mins to love those who are important to you. This whisper that we call life can be required of us at any moment in time. Such brevity must be maximized. Love abundantly! Your chance to impact someone else's life is not guaranteed. Ensure yourself the favor of making every moment count. Otherwise, you will swim in the endless ocean of regret when it's too late.

I'll be back!

Destination: O-town.

Hope in You

Even as the numbers stack up against you,
I still believe.

Even as the prognosis doesn't look good,
I still believe.

Even as unlikely as it seems,
I still believe.

Even as broken as you appear,
I still believe.

Even as hopeless as it is,
I believe.


you will come out of this victorious glow. We have Him on our side. All of Georgia is praying for you. All of Florida is praying for you. Stay strong! You are empowered with the Holy Spirit! Persevere Glow! This is going to be beautiful in the end.

As for You, help me understand why in the world you would allow this to happen. Things were looking so bright for the future. Is this just a drastic reminder of how You can interrupt life at any given time?

Nonetheless, I choose to worship You. Blessed be your Name. You give and take away. Give me the maturity to be grateful even at a time like this.

A Visit to the Doctor's Office

Get Excited!

It's 11:30.

I have to be at church at 5:45 A.M.

Get excited.


Anyway tonight was fun. Got to say bye to John before he left for Texas for good. At his going away dinner thing I got to see Lindsey Seitz. I haven't seen her in like 5 something years. Suddenly I see her at dinner. What a surprise. She seems like same ol' quirky Lindsey to me.

Oh I made a discovery tonight. I am interested in people.

I am interested in everyone's life.

I enjoy helping people.

Someday...it's going to amount to something.



I believe.

Exhausted

On the way home from bible study, I drove the whole way without any music. The cool thing about driving by yourself is that it kinda forces you to think. I turned the radio off and made 30 mins of alone time with my thoughts in the car.

Most of it cenetered around how I can't stop thinking about someone/thing. It really bothers me. Partly because I feel like I'm just wasting my time. After all, they/it is not thinking about you back so it's kind of like a one way losing battle.

On the other hand, what's the point of loving if you love simply to get something back in return?



Argh. This selfless thing is truly a struggle.

Paris, feelings, and that indescribable thing called love

I can't stand her. I couldn't be more convinced that she epitomizes spoiled. When you're notorious for making a sex tape, do you deserve to be famous? That isn't hot.

Yet, shouldn't I care about her?

The perplexing thing about this Christianity faith is that the more I've investigated what it's really about, the more I find out how truly difficult it is to be selfless. It's the perpetual process of shedding the focus off of yourself and instead pouring compassion on others.

This compassion for others is fine when it comes to "regulars." You know who these people are. The frail child in the alley who hasn't eaten in 4 days. The beaten wife who lay crying on the floor after another drunken outrage by "mr. right." The poor homeless person whose smell rivals that of a wet dog. Indeed, these people should very well hear about the wonderful news that they have a Savior who wants to enter a new friendship with them.





But what about Paris?

I don't want anything to do with Paris. She's getting what she deserves right? It's refreshing to see her finally cry after her hand me down wealth exclaims "I didn't have to lift a finger for this!" Her ignorant comments belittle the rest of us who actually have to do work to make ends meet. Quite simply, I have no motivation to be compassionate toward Paris.




But then I realized...

I'm even uglier than Paris.

Yet He still CHOSE to have compassion for me.

Sucky

It's still hurting badly. I thought I was getting better?

-_-

Minor Life Update

- For Father's Day, I ate with my family at Jonny Carinos. It was quite plain to be honest. I got my dad a card and the apple airport express thing. He has yet to use it or anything. I guess that means he didn't like it. Oh well. I got my brother a funny card and Stephanie (his wife) thought it was the most hilarious card she's ever read in her life. I made Tito Henry a home made thing and tried calling him on sunday. Tita Maricor thought the gift was awesome and supposedly Tito Henry liked it as well. Oh well...I suppose 2/3 isn't bad.

- I've been in school for a week now and have realized that I never missed school in the first place. Only one more year left until I'm done. I want to savor it while it lasts but oh well. I'm doing ok so far. I have a test next week and quizzes consistently every class period. Get excited.

- I start serving at Northpoint this wednesday. I got moved from lighting to audio and since I'm in audio I have to show up on wednesday for rehearsal. I think it'll be fun. I can't wait to start learning.

- Friday I'll be sharing at the bible study everything that happened while I've been in Florida. Speedwhat?

- Other than that, I think I've just been the regular cool guy that I've somehow always been. Such is the life with one Fred Godoy.

Creativity Reigns!

Too bad I'm running low on the Creative juices.

I want to write a song. I don't really know what it's going to be about. I don't really know what chords or whatever I'll use. I just know it's going to be amazing.

I'm going to have Felix (my computer) assist me in this endeavor. Garageband will be an application vital to this mission of mine. I'm going to burn it on something called a compact disc. I'm basically platinum already!

So let's review...

Guitar? check.

Vocals? check.

Vision? check.

Recording software? check.

Talent to make said song actually ear worthy? UH OH......




Don't worry. As soon as it's done you'll get a listen. Get excited.

It would only happen to me

So I owe Georgia State University $1200+ dollars for tuition.

HOPE was supposed to pay for it but the financial aid office "hasn't reviewed" my form. They advise me to pay it myself now and just let HOPE reimburse me once they do review my form. "Ok" I think. That's doable.

So I go online to try and pay my tuition. Upon logging into the much lauded GOSOLAR system, I click on the "pay tuition and fees" link. I am redirected to the credit card page. In big bold letters it prominantly states "you will be charged 2.75% for a credit card fee" or some jazz like that.

My response?

"OH MY STARZ!!@ 2.75% of $1200!?! By my math....that's a lot of money!"

So I contrive the wise scheme to go into work late and just drive downtown and pay my tuition in person. That way I could save some money. Oh yeah get excited.

I arrive at the dungeon entitled sparks hall and proceed to the cashier. We exchanged pleasantries and I calmly handed her my GSU I.D. She then politely asks for the $1200 that I owe for tuition. I give her my credit card.

Puzzled at my piece of plastic, she cooly dismisses my card and retorts that they [GSU] doesn't accept credit cards for tuition. If I wanted to pay with my credit card, I would have to do it online.


awww nuts.



Moral of the story? God has a sense of humor.


fin

OH SNAPZ!

I'm feeling smart. Dorky smart.

Get excited.

Then it hit me.

No more hiding. I will be transparent with everyone. No more having people see only one side of Fred Godoy.

I struggle just like everyone else with this life thing.
I have many problems.
I find it just so hard.

Yet I'm still joyful. I believe that everything is happening for a greater purpose. Specifically His purpose.

I choose to follow you Jesus. I believe you're worth following.

2 steps forward...

one step back.

It's like I'm my own worse enemy. I feel like God can do all the renovating and stuff but I keep putting holes in the walls. As such, we have to redo a lot of stuff. It's ok. I'm still learning.

I'm not judged by my mistakes. There is no condemnation for those in Christ.

Hopefully I'll be able to just start getting on with it.

Breakthrough

I can't focus on the wrong thing. Not right now. Right now it's all about finishing this "getting over Glorie" process that is so painful. Yet, the thing that is so comforting is that I can almost feel Him helping me through it. It's humbling.

Yes, I still miss you dearly Glorie. But at this time I choose to trust that God must seperate us right now. In His wisdom, I choose to believe that He is doing what is necessary for our betterment. It is my desire that we end up together again in the future, but right now that seems trivial. What is important is that right now I am focused on Him and Him alone.

Let's get it.

weary

Why can't I stop crying?

Aargh

My head hurts. This situation I'm in sure is painful. It's hard too.

I really hope that it's going to be worth it in the end. Sometimes the pain is so much that I don't believe it. Oh well.

It sucks so bad

The thing that bothers me most is that I can't come to Glorie as a friend. So many good things are happening in my life right now. I can feel change happening. I'm so excited. I want to tell everybody. The person I most want to tell though is Glorie. She knows how far I've come. She knew me before Christ. She knew me after Christ. She would be happiest with this news. But...I feel like she doesn't want to hear about anything that's going on.

Which is what perplexes me the most. If she is my sister in Christ, why would she dispel me? Instead of encouraging me, she rejects me. The aim, I suppose, is to force me to be directed to the Lord, and only the Lord, but if this is the case then why would we need anyone on earth? There would be no need for community in general.

The other reason I can think of is that this is her defense. It's her guarding her heart. That would be fine as well...but I need to know that that's what it is. I want to try to just address it specifically but every time I talk to her she doesn't speak normally. Everything is referred to the Holy Spirit.

"The Holy Spirit led me to pick up your phone call after the 3rd time."

"The Holy Spirit is leading me to tell you..."

"I live through the Holy Spirit."

"This is what the Holy Spirit is telling me right now."


Don't get me wrong. I don't think anything is wrong with depending and living through the Holy Spirit 100% of the time. But this is confusing. I wonder if she talks to everyone this way...

Nonetheless, I'm here to support her. I just want to experience life with her you know? I want to do anything that I can to support her. I love her.

You hear that Glorieanne? I LOVE YOU. I pursue you. I choose you.

This must be what Jesus feels like whenever we don't pay attention to Him. It really sucks having one sided conversations.

Extreme Makeover - Fred Edition

You know what's kind of cool through this whole process? God doesn't just send me on vacation for 2 weeks and just let me do nothing.

Instead, He chooses to let me be hands-on with the renovation process. I'm actively involved in the process of constructing the planned design of the master architect.

I just keep hitting myself with the hammer though. X(

Pursuing Radiance

Oh my stars. It couldn't have been more obvious. Yet I missed the point the entire time.

This excruciatingly painful abyss that I thought I was in really isn't a bottomless pit. It's simply the ruins of my former self. That may sound rather mystic so let me explain myself.

God is working in me, Fred Godoy. This project, we'll call it "Extreme Makeover-Fred edition" is currently in progress. In order to make me into the masterpiece that I was originally designed to be, He has had to break down the tarnished, rustic mansion that I was grounding myself in before. God came along, with his wrecking ball of transformation, and has completely shattered everything I thought I could hold on to.

So this is where I currently stand.

I'm crying on top of the ruins of the beautiful dream that once stood so proudly. Renovation is a painful, emotional process. Yet that's the thing...it's merely a process. It's a means and not an end. The Light of hope that shines so radiantly in this situation is that I am given assurance that the end will be worth the grueling process.

So the choice is given to me. Either I trust in God in this situation or I don't trust Him. Choose to chase the small glimmer of light that I see piercing the darkness or dwell in the infinite sorrow of a broken heart.

Restoration here I come.

Focus

It looks like I've found myself at the bottom of the hill again.

Rats. This is a problem considering I thought I made real progress going back uphill. Oh well. I guess it's just more for me to learn right?

I wrote Glorie this super long email yesterday (and when I say super long, I mean SUPER DUPER long). Laced within this email was all kinds of emotion and hurt and all this gumbo. The aim was to be completely transparent with her, so that I would be given some sort of closure and not feel like I was still holding back.

Anyway, the overall sentiment came off as me being somewhat of a hurt person because...well...I'm hurting. I just don't feel like she cares about me you know?

Her response?

Not one time did she said she did care about me. Oh and the other guy in the picture is very much still in her picture. So much so that I'm probably out of the picture.

Hence me being at the bottom again. I'm hurting so bad right now it's not even funny.

But it's ok.

I sincerely pray that He would give me the maturity and the genuine love to be able to support Glorie especially when I'm so weak. For when I'm weak, He is strong.

I kind of parallel what I'm going through to a fruit. It's only when you squeeze fruit the hardest that you truly get to see what it's made of. If it's sweet, then truly something miraculous was going on in the indside all of this time. If what comes out is bitter, then all it was in the first place was a pretty face.

With that said, I'm more than confident that I'm being molded to be something truly sweet.

Let the character building begin, Jesus. I am broken.

stupidity

I can't stop being an idiot.

More observations

I think that what the world needs now more than anything are people who are willing to be true friends to each other. This true friendship requires transparency that is seldom found nowadays.

Imagine having a friend who never kept anything from you. Who asks curiously about some of the things you try to keep hidden in your life. Who lovingly reprimands you when you are wrong. Who supports you when you're feeling great as well as when you're the scum of the earth. Said friend would never slander.

In the same regard, this friend would also fail. Yet in their humility, they would show that they are human as well. They would ask for forgiveness and move on; always keeping aware of the valuable lessons learned from such a hard experience. They would say I'm sorry and mean it.

Oh and when you lay your head down at night, you would smile because you know that they're praying for you...just doing their part in supporting you. What a friend.

Light in Darkness

Most astounding in my opinion is not the enormous mountain of sin that I have created; Rather, it's the mount of grace that triumphs said mountain so completely.

Cashier or Self-Checkout

I was doing some grocery shopping tonight at the local store. Didn't buy anything real fancy...mostly stuff for the sandwich that I love to eat. The only reason this shopping trip was noteworthy was the surprise at the end.

The self-checkout line and the regular cashier line were both completely open. The choice was mine. I chose to visit the cashier. It wasn't cause I was lazy and didn't feel like scanning my groceries myself. No, I chose to visit the cashier because I truly thought in my head (I wonder which line Jesus would go through).

That may sound a little Jesus-freak like...but I guess I'm turning into one of those. I thought about how any sort of conversation may help the lady who got paid to scan my groceries. So the ordeal began with the requisite small talk. I then began to probe as to how much this lady would reveal to me. Turns out that working at the grocery store is her second job and that she works at Home Depot at 6 in the morning.

No wonder she was tired. I let her know that I hoped she would feel better and have a great rest of the night. She said thanks for asking how she was. I left the grocery store assured that EVERYONE wants someone to care about them. Even tired old women who have to work two jobs. I was honored I could be used to encourage that lady.

Yet I wonder...would I have done the same if her lane was full of people? Maybe I'll try it someday. Just to see if it's worth the wait. :)

Truth

I found this quote on my friend's facebook:

"The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheaply, we esteem too lightly." -Thomas Paine



Amazing.

Christianity

I'm reading a book right now that I've found to be quite pleasant. It's called "Velvet Elvis" written by a guy named Rob Bell. I'm a little bit more than half way through the book and am quite excited to finish it.

Anyway, there's a part in the book that really resonated with my soul. Here it is from Chapter Three in the book:

"Being a Christian is not cutting yourself off from real life; it is entering into it more fully. It is not failing to go deeper; it is going deeper than ever. It is a journey into the heart of how things really are. What is it that makes you feel alive? What is it that makes your soul soar?"

I love the way that he puts it. It's so eloquent and extremely profound. It's not that your being less of a person when you become a Christian, it's that you are delving into it more fully. What a concept.

Personally, I've chosen to follow Jesus because I've experienced this "fuller" living firsthand. It's not that I enter into this dramatical blissful life as soon as I enter a personal relationship with Jesus (in fact my life has become a lot harder since following Jesus), rather it's feeling empty holes being filled with something truly satisfying that has made the greatest impact to me.

Andy Stanley compares it to a renovation. So, imagine extreme makeover--Fred edition. I like the word renovate. I looked it up in the dictionary. Apparently it stems from Latin (renovat) and it originally meant "made new again." The analogy applies to me because my "before" life was quite stupid. After the extremely messy process of renovation (and mind you I'm still heavily under construction), the "after" is what you see right now.

I think we have the superior Fred Godoy right now.


I don't know...I can't articulate myself easily right now. Hopefully I'll continue this with a focused mind tomorrow.

Growth begins

I think I'm starting to grow.

Don't get me wrong...I still think about my Glow every single minute of every day, but it's quite an advancement from the every SECOND of every day that had been going on. Perhaps one of the reasons is that it's simply starting to make sense to me.

1) Through my personal experience, there has to be God (or at the very least Someone controling everything). I refuse to call this phoenoemena "fate" for to call it fate would be to credit a non-existant thing for very real things. To say that it doesn't exist (and by extension leave everything to chance) would make everything too unrealistic. I find it personally preposterous to believe that everything happens coincidentally. Hence my arrival to this conclusion.

2) If God is truly all-knowing (as well as all-powerful and all-loving), then the mere events transpiring in my life are surely no surprise to Him. Further, if He is genuinely interested in giving me the opportunity to live life to the fullest, then everything I'm going through must be for a greater purpose. If such, then the phase I'm going through right now is a good thing.

3) If it truly is a good thing, then I should relish the moment and realize that I'm heading from worse to better.




What a relief.

It continues

I don't think I could be any more tired of crying. I miss Glorie so much. so, so much.

I'm trying to learn how to "let go." Everyone keeps telling me that if I should let go and see what happens. Supposedly, if it is truly meant to be, then we will be back together no matter what happens. On the other hand, if I let go and we don't get back together, we weren't supposed to be together in the first place...which is exactly what I'm so scared of.

Quite honestly, how do you let go of the most precious person in your life? This has been the hardest lesson I've ever had to learn in my life.

The door is already closed cont.

Dear Father,

If there were ever a time that I needed you, truly it is now.

I just can't comprehend why Glorie would hurt me so much. Why would she do such things? It hurts badly.

Worst of all, I don't know how exactly I am supposed to react. I know that I am supposed to have faith that You are in control of the situation and that ultimately You're working things for my better interest, but if I can just have a moment to be honest...I just don't truly believe that with my heart right now. What good can come out of this? My eyes have run out of tears to expel. It hurts every single time I think about it. I just want to know that it's going to be beautiful in the end... Why does it have to be so excruciating? She's so precious to me.

More than anything, I simply ask for peace. I want nothing but the best for her. If she is never going to be in my life again, I truly consider it a blessing to be able to have shared four of the most fabulous years of my life with her. I hope that other guy treats her like the princess that she is--any less is simply unsatisfactory. Father, if you would be so kind as to cover me in grace right now, please help me find peace in the fact that she's in Your hands. Help me truly comprehend the fact that You're in control.

Cause right now...I'm running low on faith.

The door is already closed

What a fitting way to end my trip in Florida huh?

It's as if I didn't exist. I don't know why it is the ones whom you put the most trust in that hurt you the most. Nonetheless, I don't hold it against you.

I still love you.

I'm crazy about you. I'm dying to know how your life is.

I just don't have the access anymore....




Oh what I would give for just one more moment with you...

day after

still hurting.

still confused.

still searching.

still having time focusing.


Woe is me.

therapeutic solitude

Well Jesus...if you want my attention, I think you finally have it.

I don't have Alicia nor do I have Glorie. I suppose I'm "stuck" with You...and I'm still not quite sure how I feel about that.

To be honest, I'm not sure how much I trust what You have in store for me. I probably have been subconsciously trying to guide this whisper called life on my own for the past several years now. Finding myself in a situation where I have absolutely no control feels awkward. This must be where faith comes from. When you act purely based off of trust. I hope my faith is big cause I sure feel a huge awkard hole in my life right now.

I just wish I didn't hurt so much right now.

*sigh*

I miss you.

Madness

In wake of the tragic events that have transpired at Virginia Tech, I have been able to examine myself. If something like that were to happen to me, how would I react?

I don't know much about the killer or the videos/letter that he mailed, but apparently the guy was quite bitter with the way he was treated. This leads me simply to survey why people act the way that they do. This guy was obviously an extreme in that he ended up slaughtering the lives of 33 innocent people. However, what he went through in the events leading up to tragic monday are surely no different from what many of us have experienced in our own lives.

After all, who on earth finds it easy to be rejected? I lived in recently...as in 1.5 months ago. Thinking about a very special person as one of the most significant things going in your life...only to have them hand it down to you gently that you are but a mere wrinkle in their blanket of life.

It's tough.

To this day I still relive that night over and over again. Just feeling my heart drop 2 inches as soon as I realized that everything I had envisioned for a close-knit friendship had been absolutely crushed due to mere words. I can't even begin to enumerate the times that I have been rejected growing up in life by the people who were supposed to be quite dear to me.

Again, I say, it's tough.

The dilemma then becomes not the experience in itself, but rather the reaction. Good things are going to happen to us and bad things are going to happen to us--this is certain. However, what shall be your response when these life ridges stare you in the face? The VT killer chose to expel his pent up emotion by robbing others of what the very life he felt was robbed of him.

Me? I try my hardest to voluntarily choose to serve those that reject me. Humility, dear friend, is the virtue that is hardest to find in others. Anyone can be nice to another person so long as they're pampered with blessings. It truly takes a unique person to hug the person who has just punched you in the stomach.

Obviously learning this humility does not occur overnight...but I believe that the process is gratifying in and of itself. From the tiny morsel that I've tasted of this life so far, one absolutely awesome thing I've found is that there's something truly fulfilling in finding joy. When you find joy experiencing the bliss of life, it's delightful. When you find joy experiencing the nightmares of life, it's even better. However, when you find joy in realizing that you can stare at the person so maliciously pointing their finger down at you, and still smile because you love them past their harsh judgment, well...that joy is euphoric.

Riddle me this

What do you get when you cross a Fred with a really late shift?

Blog posts like this.

yeah..

So I woke up this morning to my alarm at the usual 8:45 A.M. I figured it would be a good idea to "rest my eyes" for five more minutes. An hour and 15 minutes later I find myself missing church. It's ok. Church is more than just a building. I'll make time to worship Him in a few.

In other news I was thinking about Alicia again. She said to me that she was on myspace. I decided to search for her on myspace and ended up finding her. I read her blog and found a survey thing that she posted. I think it'll help me if I answered it.

1.Who are you?

I am Fred Godoy. The one and only.

2. Are we friends?

I think we are at a minimal level. We were quite close earlier this year but things have changed haven't they?

3. When and how did we meet?

We meet randomly in the utilidor when the special one named Kevin Kelly would hiss at you incessantly until you paid him attention. Then you saw me and immediately recognized how superior I was to him in every way.

4. Do you have a crush on me?

Not anymore. I didn't really hide it that well when I did though.

5. Would you kiss me?

Not now. Although I never rule anything out.

6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.

I'd call you anti-fred. After all, we are the opposite of each other aren't we?

7. Describe me in one word.

Enchanting.

8. What was your first impression?

Wow. What an energetic person.

9. Do you still think that way about me now?

Of course I do. I still think you are one of the most amazing people I've ever met in my life.

10. What reminds you of me?

Everything really. Being surrounded by Disney always points to you and your amazing knowledge of Disney.

11. If you could give me anything what would it be?

I would give you the secret to reading me. That way it won't be so awkward anymore.

12. How well do you know me?

Not well enough. I started knowing more and more about you but we don't get close anymore.

13. When's the last time you saw me?

At magic kingdom. I wrote about it a few posts ago. You were far from close.

14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?

Ha. That should be the title to my pursuit of your friendship. Then again it's usually not the fact that I couldn't tell you something but instead it was the fact that there were things that were understood the right way.

15. Are you going to put this on your blog and see what I say about you?

If you find this blog, I'd LOVE to hear your response.

2:19 in the morning and...

No I'm not thinking about Alicia. At least not entirely thinking about her. I don't really want to sleep and instead just find myself thinking about my life in general right now.

I only have 40 more days until I go back home to Georgia. With that said, I'm not sure how much I want to go back. Don't get me wrong...there are plenty of things that I miss back in Georgia, but I have learned and have grown so much since I've been here. I can only attribute this growth spurt to the fact that I'm truly out on my own. It hasn't always been such an easy life but I've learned to get by. What more is that I've learned to be joyful and especially thankful for the little that I have. Honestly.

That said...I've kind of been thinking about things. What do people really need to get by? When I get home, I truly think I will get saddened by my lifestyle. Who really needs a flat panel HD television? Do I really need to be typing on an apple laptop computer? Where is the difference between necessity and desire? Does that fine line differ from person to person? Why do I even think about these things in the first place?

Another way I've grown is that I've learned so much more about myself. For example...I'm going to have to learn how to be


crap. got interupted by an unexpected phone call. now my train of thought is all out of place. Oh well. This will have to continue at another point in time.

My moment to pause

I can't stay focused.

One of the most peculiar things about my life is the fact that I have such low self-esteem. I am not quite certain why it is that I suffer from this ill percepcion of myself but I'm absolutely convinced that it is as such. I believe that I do a superb job of presenting a faux version of Fred to other people. This alternate version of me is bleeding confidence and is quite charismatic. Yet, after the layers are peeled away, there still remains this frail version of me that I can't seem to shake.

With this said, the thing that bothers me most is that I know that I shouldn't view myself in this way. If anything, Jesus thinks the world of me. If the logic that God is all-powerful and all-knowing is true, then someone so mighty surely wouldn't have made (nor think for that matter) someone (me in this instance) so incapable of reflecting those unique traits in some way. This, in turn, leads me to wonder all the more where this low self-esteem comes from.

Perhaps it's from my past. Rejection after rejection surely has taken a toll on my emotions somewhere down the line. It could be my dependence on other people for acceptance. The more that other people have failed to accept me as myself...the more I try to "fit" what they are/were looking for. Maybe it's cause I'm just so blasted weird. Who knows.

If ever I was lost...now is as a good as time as ever.

some time off

So I called in today. First time this whole program (meaning ~ 4 months). A couple of my roomates and I went to wonderworks. It's a weird little place where you just walk around and do stuff. Think Ripley's believe it or not...it's their competitor. It was kind of cool. It was rather overpriced though. $20? I think not.

Yesterday I was regularly scheduled off. So what did I decide to do?...hang out with Glorie. That was interesting to say the least. One thing I truly don't understand is that we're not attached to each other anymore yet we still manage to get into some of the most amazing fights. I don't get it at all. To make matters even worse the things we fought about yesterday were so stupid. I mean who fights about marinading chicken anyway?
Not all was lost though. We did manage to salvage the rest of the night. We saw Meet the Robinsons (which is one of the most fantastic films I've seen in quite some time by the way) and had a normal dinner. It was really great. I did make one mistake. I ended up putting my arm around Glorie during the movie. That probably put thoughts in her head that were unintended. It just kind of felt right you know? I can't really explain it. Yet as soon as we sat down it's like I felt that I was in a way supposed to put my arm around her. I don't know how to explain it. Dinner was fantastic though. We just felt like friends.

Other than that I've been working like crazy. It's nuts. I don't want to complain. But I am being quite serious when I say that I do feel like a peasant here in this conglomerate known as Walt Disney Company. I wish I would make a difference somehow. What I would give to stand out.

Lastly, as much as it bothers me to say it, I truly miss Alicia. We haven't talked in so long. I wonder if she's well. I've been so good lately...being more Disney you know? I just finished watching Mary Poppins this morning! I hope she'll be happy for me. I just hope we can hang out one last time. That would make me so happy.

Friday Morning Thoughts

I still find myself thinking about Alicia a lot. It's sad. It's been so long since we've talked or seen each other that I probably couldn't spot her if I tried. Okay...I know I'd be able to spot her from a mile away but you get what I mean. I just miss her so much you know? Why can't we just hang out like old times? Why do I keep making things harder for the both of us? I'm so pathetic.

In other news, I worked 13 hours yesterday and will work another 13 hours today. I worked kind of fine yesterday. It was just...long. Ha.

My thoughts are so scattered right now. I don't even know what to write about. There are few things left that I have yet to do while I'm down here. I'm going to the beach April 26th. Don't know who I'll go with but I'm going to go. I'm going to Busch Gardens on May 1st. Don't know who I'm going to go with there either but I'm going to go. Then there's the "Spring Formal" on May 7th. I DEFINITELY don't know who I'm going to go with there and am not even sure if I'll go to that. I originally planned on going there with Glorie but our break up kind of shook things up. I don't think it would be wise to go with her as "just friends" cause after that night (dressing up and having a dinner which is one of the things she desired to do most when we were together) we would hardly be "just friends. I want to go with Alicia but don't think she'd even allow that. Maybe I'll just go by myself. Hehe...I really am a loser.

2:30 in the morning this time

I wish you missed me just a little bit. Then I could feel special again.

2:00 in the morning and...

what do I find myself thinking about?

Alicia Jensen.

I miss you so much. I miss being able to talk to you just about life. You'll never know it but you're one of the few people in my life that I've found it very easy to talk to. I miss being able to learn from you simply by you sharing with me what you've gone through in life. I miss you doing the same.

Now when I talk to you it's mere shallow smalltalk. "Oh work was...." you'll say. "Really? That's wonderful" I'll reply. Empty words that merely fill in the space in order to make things feel less awkward for the both of us. Such a travesty that I've turned our friendship into such disarray.

I saw you twice today. I wanted to say bye to you before I left the park. You were walking both times...hurriedly pacing yourself toward your destination. I don't think you saw me. I wanted to call out your name but I didn't. I didn't feel like it would be appropriate of me. I don't have access to you like that anymore. Although you were only a few feet away you felt further than the moon.

I wish I could hug you. I wish you could see that all I want is your friendship and nothing romantic. I think the world of you Alicia. And to think that after 50 more days I'll lose you forever. I'm so sorry.

Homework

So the church I am currently attending challenged the congregation to write down their story in 100 words or less. Here would be my response:

"I don't pretend to know everything about Christianity nor claim to be the most devout follower in this faith. However, the one thing that I have come to the realization of is this:

The more I investigate this Person named Jesus, the more I find my focus dramatically shifting from myself to other people."

Friday Morning Thoughts

So I just read on Glorie's blog that she's doing better than ever. For the first time, in a really long time I assume, she has her satisfaction found. Instead of placing her joy on the crumbling foundations that are composed of other people, she has instead chosen to fixate her focus on the One who doesn't crumble. The unfailing, faithful One. I'm happy for her.

It seems as if Alicia is going to extend her program because she is finally going to get to play a character for the Walt Disney Corporation. She will be staying until August while I will leave in May. She seems really happy about it. I'm happy for her. I sure will miss her though...however limited our friendship was.

Megan, the really pretty girl at Speedway, has decided to be nice to me for the past two days. I wonder what she's up to. It's probably some contrived trick aimed at embarassing me. Perhaps it's authentic kindness designed to stimulate what could possibly be a friendship. Who knows. I'll just keep being me and see what happens.

David Crowder Band is recording a new album. From the little snippets that I've heard thus far, I feel that it's going to be incredible. I can't wait for it.

Personally, I feel like I'm slowly changing my perspective of myself. I'm in the process of transforming from my negative view of myself into the positive. I still feel like I'm relatively average at many things...but that doesn't mean that I suck at a lot of things does it? Also, I think I'm finally going to give up chasing after so many things. I'm all in with this Christianity thing. Either Jesus is real, and everything I've been struggling to follow will pay off in the end...or Jesus isn't real, and I'm the biggest pity case that has ever graced this earth. If I want to be a better person it will have to start with Jesus being a bigger person in me. What a journey this will be.

Glee

Another fantastic day yesterday. I had my class which was kind of ok. I don't know why, but I'm starting to act more quirky in that class. It's starting to disturb some of my fellow classmates. I am delighted by this. Gave that Jackie girl another ride home. She's an interesting one. I'd like to see where our friendship winds up.
Work yesterday was pretty fast. I kept seeing so many pretty women just lining up to ride our attraction. I know I shouldn't be looking like that and stuff but man can girls look pretty or what. Yesterday they just came by the dozens. It was truly a great day to be a guy at the speedway yesterday.
To put the cherry on top of my day, I found out the greatest bit of news at the end of the night. You see, my ever so dear friend Alicia had her audition yesterday to be a Disney character. I was excited for her all day and couldn't wait to hear what happened. So, after arriving in Vistonia at around 11ish (after work of course), I called her. Many a story were shared and the arrived conclusion was that she got the part.

um..... YEAH YUH!

I knew she'd get it. You see, Alicia is one of the most talented people I know. I had complete confidence in her ever since I woke up yesterday. The Lord gets credit though. She wasn't feeling that well in the morning but she pulled through in the end cause of God's grace. Talk about a blessing. I am so happy for her. I think this will be a great oppotunity in her life.

On another note, apparently everyone at work thinks I'm gay. This is going to be a lovely 1.5 months...

Lacking Focus

Really seeking clarity right now.

Still thinking too much

I so desire a close friend.

At the same time I feel bad saying this because I feel as if Jesus should be my closest friend. The thing is, I feel like that is such a sunday school answer. I feel like that's the answer that I've merely manufactured; it's not what I truly feel represent my authentic response. I simply wish for someone to be close to.

Someone I can share my life with.
Someone who can see my uglyness...and not think any less of me as a result.
Someone I can have an amazing time with simply hanging out.
Someone who has an extreme contrast with my personality...that way I can learn even more about life.
Someone who is open with me.
Someone who I can be there for when they need me.
Someone who wants to serve Jesus just like I do.
Someone who won't desert me simply because they feel uncomfortable when I expose more of my real side.
Someone who doesn't maintain an image but instead chooses to bare their layers no matter the reprocussion.
Someone who would show me that they care about me.
Someone who will laugh at my jokes no matter how lame they are.

Where are you beloved friend? Why do I always brush fingers with you...only to discover a disenchanted tease? Rescue me from this billowing sadness. You are dearly needed.

Thursday morning thoughts

Another day another blessing.

This morning begins with promise. After having my devotional time in the morning, I was startled by a rather strong thud coming from the door. Upon exiting my room I find that the sound that I had previously heard came from the people who were set to inspect our apartment this morning. "Cool" I thought. We passed with flying colors and even got M&M cookies because we are so awesome. Cool indeed.

Yesterday was probably the best day I've had in awhile. I had the faux finance class which isn't necessarily a bad way to start your day, but something about getting up early now troubles me. No worries...after class I took one of my group members home to Chatham. We had a delightful time in the car where many a story were shared and many laughs were the direct result of said stories. I proceeded to Target to buy the very sick Alicia a get well card. The card was nice. The envelope was green. It was a great match.

I arrived at my residence to find my roomate wondering what in the world we would be eating for lunch. I volunteered to make chicken parmigiana (which, mind you, is something I have never made in my life. Oh the delight that soon followed. I had all the ingredients save for bread crumbs to...you know...bread the chicken. So, in homemade old school fashion, we decide to toast bread and make our own bread crumbs. I proceeded to cook the fettucine and prepare the chicken. Then the thought occurred to me, "is cooking meat in low heat really significant when it comes to that extra flavor that is so hottly desired?"
The answer? Yes. Oh yes.

When all was said and done, I ended up having the best lunch ever. Well, thinking about it now, it probably wasn't the best ever...but definitely the best since being down here in Florida. The accomplishment was so impressive that pictures were taken of my masterpiece. The press arrived at our doorstep. Emeril Legasse himself grew envious in his "BAM!" kinda of way. I ended up being recruited to be the next Iron Chef. 'Twas a great lunch. 'Twas.

Work wasn't that special unfortunately. It was a regular day. I did see a celebrity though. Mr. Allan Houston. Talk about a tall man. Fortunately though, work did nothing to bring down my day. The guests were really nice and the day just kind of went by you know?

The best news of all came perhaps at the very end of the night. The Atlanta Falcons, in typical Rich McKay brilliance, pioneered a trade that landed us two 2nd round picks for our backup QB. If that's not sexy I don't know what is. This did not prove to be welcoming news when I rubbed it in my roomates face. His face turned rather displeased within minutes. I laughed harder.

What a day. It ended with a fitting prayer at the end thanking the Lord for everything.

just being honest...

I miss hanging out with you. It made me so happy just spending time with you...doing absolutely nothing at all. Oh what I would give to experience such bliss once more.

Finally some time to breathe

It's been a long time hasn't it? That's what working 6 straight days will do to you. So the rundown of what's happened in my life for the past week is as follows:

- I'm starting to enjoy work a little bit more. I think it has become a result of me finding myself. I just came to the realization that it doesn't matter if I really am a Disney person. I used to think it was so uncool to be really enthusiastic and stuff about the small stuff that I do at work. For example, we have to say "No bumping. Have a great race!" before we let the go-karts drive away. Initially I was really opposed to saying this with any sort of flavor at all. Now, I simply feel great saying it and meaning it. It sounds cliche, but when will I ever have the chance to make this particular guest's experience magical ever again? Rather, by doing my part, I can make their vacation that much better simply by liking what I do. Imagine that.

- Things between Alicia and I have absolutely nose dived into the ground. We had a very important conversation the other night that probably determined the future of our friendship forever. In sum, I strongly believe we viewed our friendship completely differently. As a result there were expectations and signals being sent that probably wasn't intended to be there in the first place. Apparently I had been giving off the impression that I liked her a lot. Maybe I'm oblivious, but I really don't feel like I did such a thing. I honestly feel that, at the very most, I was merely reflecting back to her how she made me feel. I still feel like she's an awesome girl. I still think she's a very special person. She, even in her different methods, made me feel special back. I don't see anything romantic there.
Either way, Alicia proceeded to make certain that there was to be nothing going on between us. To the point where she said "I don't think we'll ever be boyfriend/girlfriend." Not that that was something I was necessarily aiming for (especially not now--the last thing I'm interested in is some fling), but talk about ouch. I've never felt that rejected in my life. It's as if she took my nuts and squeezed them together as hard as she could...it really just hurt that bad. Never in my life have I felt as ugly and unattractive as I did in that moment. All I wanted was a close friend. Now all I have is a dream that will never come true. Oh well. I really wanted it to be something special. I guess I just have to let go of what I want.

- I'm starting to just find myself more in general. I'm starting to be less attached to my image. Who cares that I am a nerd that visits tech websites everyday? Am I any less of a person just because I still have a backstreet boys CD in my CD case? Am I any less special because of what I did in the past? I am going to be a somebody in this small whisper we call life. It is my desire to be a major player in this story of God's. Through the Spirit, I will do great things. Just watch.

What should I do?

I wish I could be more special to you. I wish I were significant to you...just like how you are to me. But I'm not.

What can I do to stand out to you? I'm tired of being invisible.

d(^_^)b

You make me smile.

What can separate us? Not heaven or hell. Not pain or emptiness. Not rejection or dejection. Not women. Not ex-girlfriends.

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Let me find rest on that promise.

-_-

Make me smile today.

Murk

Some things I wish I could say but won't be able to.

Glorie - You have no idea. Nor do I. This isn't easy for me either you know? A lot of people have been telling me that in order to get over someone that it takes time and only time. Perhaps that's the case here. Phil says it's kind of like getting a burn or a cut in your skin. Sure you can do other stuff to help with the healing process...but ultimately the biggest factor in the healing is time. So, I give you time.

Alicia - You drive me crazy. I wish that I were special to you. It seems like you simply have no interest...and that hurts me. I know I should have no expectation from you. I know that we are supposed to be just friends. But I can't deny the impact you've already made in my life. I just wish you could see that.

Walt Disney World company - Stop making it feel like you don't trust us when we're working. Appreciate your workers. We aren't mindless drones. We're individuals with special stories to tell. We all make the magic together. Your perceived superiority is merely on a superficial level. If we felt more important, maybe...just maybe, would we work like it actually means more than just the check.

Everyone else - Thank you. For better or worse, you help shape me.

Jesus - I need you now more than ever. Clarity comes from You and I can certainly use some right now.

The Truth

God, if there's any shred of realness in me, let me be honest with you right now.

I truly want to be Yours.
I don't quite understand what that means.

I find it hard to resist temptation.
When I do it makes serving you all the more fulfilling.

I'm a mess emotionally.
You don't care.

I'm quite prideful.
You're making me more humble.

I'm quite confused with my life.
You're making something out of me.

I don't know what's going to happen with us.
I wish she felt what I feel for her.

I don't do enough.

I feel dumb.

I think too much.

I over analyze.

I maintain a perception.

I'm scared of what I am.

What if you really want me to just be alone?

I'm scared of being alone.

I wish I had someone to connect with.

I wish I could root more of my joy in You.

I wish there was something that someone could tell me that's good about me.

But there isn't.

What to say what to say

I'll just go about things in reverse chronological order.

I went to the Pirate & Princess Party yesterday with Alicia and Emma. All in all it was a great night. Alicia, in typical Alicia fashion, decided to go all out and dress up as a princess. Her dress was only $6 (go Goodwill!) so I guess it was fine. She looked really pretty. Emma and I decided to put less effort in dressing up. We still had something though (Emma had a princess shirt and I had a Pirate hat) so we still had the magic going on. The only truly sour points of the night was waiting 1.5 hours for Jack Sparrow and my funnel cake. Jack truly looked like Jack Sparrow but it was quite a let down once you realize just how long you wait for him. The funnel cake on the other hand was truly a disappointment. Not only was the funnel cake of below average quality, but waiting for this poor excuse for a cake resulted in me missing the entire fireworks show (and trust me...you don't want to miss the Pirate Firework Spectactular). Everything else was quite awesome after that though. Alicia finally got a chance to drive me around somewhere...the night was beautifully clear and mostly calm...and it was just fun going around in the kingdom of magic.

Sunday was a pretty chill day. Church was kinda weird since Alicia and I were in our costumes. Yet God still found ways to humble me. I picked up Callie Ann from the airport and met her roomates. Oh, I ended up going clubbing. That was the first time in awhile. I felt like drinking but I didn't. It was a weird feeling. Matt hit it off with some girl. Calvin was working his magic with his friend Sara. Nick had his Cosmic girls. I just kinda chilled with Alicia. I'm glad she was there. She can dance too! It was such a turn on. I never knew she had it in her. I thought she'd be one of those really boring white girls but she can get it on. Haha.

Other than that life has been pretty interesting. To be continued I suppose.

Happy Birthday to me

in my happy place. d(^_^)b

Wrestling with God

There's a passage of scripture in the book of Genesis that always struck me as odd. Jacob, son of Isaac (who is son of Abraham), wrestles with "a man." After wrestling with this man, it is concluded that Jacob was wrestling with God Himself. I feel like I've had a similar experience.

No, I haven't physically had an altercation with God the same way Jacob did. I feel my wrestle with Him was more metaphoric. Now that I think of it, I don't even think I was wrestling--it was more of a beat down. God simply punched me in the stomach over and over.

I've been complaining about work so much lately. How I don't like the work and that I don't like the people sometimes. Then the Lord decided to rock my world. He's giving me exactly what I'm asking for.

"Lord, let me shine like Jesus."

What does Jesus shine like then? Well, for starters, He has love. How do I love like Jesus? By getting placed among people who are unloveable. How do I have patience like Jesus? By getting placed in situations that drain me of patience.

It continues. The conclusion I have arrived at is that I simply have no right to complain when all God is doing is molding me. Rather, I should rejoice because He is doing what He needs to to make me shine for Him.

Absolutely freaking brilliant.

Work

God,

From this day forward let me focus NOT on the struggles at work, but on the change that you are working on within me.

Thank you in advance,
Fredsterific :)

Innocence

If there's anything that my working for 13 hours yesterday taught me, it's that innocence is absolutely epitomized in children. Working at Disney, I now understand why Jesus treasured children so much.

There's this one position, called bridge position, that allows me to see this fact firsthand. Being at bridge requires very little work. All that is done is mere observation. At the maximum, the most you end up doing is counting however many cars are on the track. Every now and then you may have to run and help start a car that has stopped, but otherwise the position requires one to simply watch other people. It is at this time that I find it easiest to see every child's innocence.

Coming around one of the corners on our track, you get to see first hand how much/little fun each guest is having. When you see the kids, who are experiencing the thrill of "driving" for the first time, it does something deep inside. Their serene eyes piercing through all barriers constructed in your heart...their bright smiles disarming all bitterness that you may have been unconsciously harboring. One look and it becomes quite apparent why we must enter the kingdom of heaven as if we're children.

Lightning Rod?

I had a rather interesting conversation with one of my friends yesterday. In our conversation, we discussed the need for everyone to have their own "lightning rod." What this means is that everyone needs someone that they can confide in and be completely honest with.

The bible would agree with this assertion. From my understanding, the early church in Acts showed examples of what true fellowship is supposed to resemble. Certainly these groups of christians had lightning rods within their respective groups.

I suppose my small group leader back home would be my lightning rod. Phil's a great guy. No matter what I do (or say for that matter), I'm confident that Phil wouldn't view me any less of a person than before. That's something really great to have. I didn't always have that luxury, however. Growing up, I always found myself suppressing most of my emotions simply because I failed to find anyone that I could truly trust. I trust Glorie...but she doesn't always see things from my point of view. Which is why I think it's even greater that I have Phil. For the simple fact that he's a guy, he's able to understand things that, well, only happen to guys. It's profound.

Blah

Some things that are noteworthy from the past few days...

- Working until 4:00 A.M. is something that should never be accomplished by anyone. It just sucks.

- Working until 4:00 A.M. in 30 degree cold is a very efficient way to sadden Fred Godoy.

- Romance is something I'll nevery truly understand.

- Understanding women is a goal that will always remain unchecked on my list of goals in life.

- There are too many people that go to Animal Kingdom on President's Day.

- Lions are one of the most majestic creatures I've ever seen in my life.

- Don't eat too much Cici's Pizza. It made me feel bloated.

- Through it all, I'm still very very blessed.

- God still rocks my world.

sudden emptiness

It has just occurred to me that there may not be a worse feeling than loneliness. Why do I always find myself alone? No matter how hard I try at it, I can't find a friend.

I try so hard to be that person for everyone else. To let everyone know that if it holds any value whatsoever, I, little old Fred Godoy, cherish each and every person that calls me friend. What I mean to say is that anytime one feels that they ever need me, I am voluntarily sharing myself with them in order to help them with that need--no matter the cost. It can be 3:30 in the morning and they can call me. I will purposely wake myself up because they matter that much to me.
I persistently try to uplift and encourage other because I truly believe that people need to hear that they're important. I believe that people need to feel loved...even if they already know that they are. People need to know that they're thought highly of--especially those who don't think highly of themselves in the first place. This is what I take delight in.

However, this is not to say that I don't need these things as well. I wish someone would desire me. I wish someone would show me that they think highly of me. I feel so ugly all the time.
Don't get me wrong. I find pure joy in the Lord. I constantly read Isaiah 40 for great encouragement. I love the Lord. Yet times come when I just wish someone would say "Fred, I care about you."

Cause often it feels like no one does.

Feeling Dumb

Lord,

I wish You would just give me clear indication one way or the other. You know how I analyze things so You surely know what kind of effect these mixed signals have on me. What am I doing wrong? Let me have peace one way or the other.

Friday Morning Thoughts

Not really sure what to say...not much has changed I suppose. The only thing worth mentioning is the conversation(s) I had yesterday with my speedway mates.

Apparently, it's becoming quite evident that I like Alicia. Something about the way I always spend time with her or something about the way I act around her during work or something like that. I hope that we continue to be friends though. Just good ol' best friends. Those are the kinds of relationships that are worth it. Alicia is the same way. I don't want to force a romantic relationship or anything. I just kind of want it to go the way the Lord wants it to go. After all, I don't want to root any of my joy or hapiness in Alicia; only in the Lord. This is not to imply that I DON'T find hapiness in Alicia (which is certainly not the case). Yet the thing is I don't want to fall into the trap of finding my joy IN her.

Several of my co-workers think that I should make a move. I suppose that they give me this ill-motived "advice" because they think that the singular thing I'm concerned about is getting inside of her pants. It was weird telling them that having sex with Alicia isn't my motive. They all thought I was crazy. Funny thing is after our conversation, I was the one that ended up feeling sorry for them.

"Nice guys finish last" you say? Then what would it mean to finish first? To take advantage of girls? To reduce them to the equivalent of a slab of steak--meant only to fulfill our selfish pleasures whenever we get horny? Is getting intoxicated truly the way to live life? Inebriated with alcohol in a vain attempt to plug the gaping emptiness that bellows and consumes us underneath it all? Then when it's all said and done, the reward are merely "good" stories to be able to tell to others down the road that will perhaps impress someone new later in life. The process repeats and the emptiness grows.

Screw that.

Still Breathing

So I've had quite some time to let everything soak in. Hehe I just started a sentence with a preposition. Anyway let's exfoliate one by one.

Glorie and I are still kind of adjusting to the reality that we're separated. We talked late last night. She gave the obligatory thank you and the like for the Valentine's gift that I gave her (it was nothing really...just me making her bed and giving her a mickey plush toy). It's still hard to talk with her. There's so much info that gets sent non verbally. I hate trying to read her inbetween the lines. I wish we could just be friends and make everything stop being so freaking uncomfortable. Her family still treated me like family when I came over. I'm quite thankful for that. At least that confirms for me that their concern for me is truly genuine and their character isn't fickle.

Work has been better too. I'm really starting to get to know other people. Still haven't found any other Christians save for the two that I have already met. That's ok though. God only needs one to do wonderful things. The three of us should be able to rock the universe. The new people I've been meeting seem friendly enough though. I hope I become good friends with many of them. Possibly even bud those friendships to deeper relationships with the Lord. Then again, before I hope to do any of this, I suppose I have to be as transparent as possible. I can tell when people are fake to me. I'm sure it goes the other way as well; despite how much I try to hide it, I think counterfeit personalities stick out like a sore thumb.

Then there's the ever faithful One--Jesus. Always patient with me. Always calming my concerns. Always loving me. How can I show my gratitude in return? I wish I could love You Lord just one small fraction compared to how much You love me. Let me shine brightly for You. Here I am!

You are my joy.

I take great delight in You.

I love You. You rock my world.

Aftershock

I'm single again.

The moment of truth

Well...I'll know the future of our relationship within the next couple of hours.

a moment please

Lord,

Let me be honest with you right here. I'm not sure whether or not it is the best idea to post this on the web or whatever but I suppose this is part of "image maintenence" defense mechanism that prohibits me from being truly genuine with You. So fine, here I am Jesus.

Father, tomorrow is the big day with Glorieanne. What is in store with our relationship? Has it truly reached the end? What will it mean for me if it really is the end? What will happen with Glorie? Is she really on track with you like she says she is? If it's so, why do we still always fight? What should I do? Focus on You I know. Be reminded of how You never give me more than I can bear...I know. Perhaps I don't know. Otherwise, why would I feel so uncertain? I sure hope I can still be friends with her though. I don't know what it's going to feel like when we start having those awkward moments.

Then there's Alicia. God what an awesome girl. Thanks for bringing her into my life. The funny thing is I find that she reminds me of Glorie in some ways. The way it's so easy to talk with her...it reminds me of how Glorie and I started. Yet why do I keep thinking about her? Is it mere infatuation? Is any of it attributed to the fact that I am at a critical point with Glorie? Lord don't let me use Alicia as a rebound girl. It would make me so sad to realize that my selfishness would extend so far that I would use her as such a cheap remedy for my heartache. Jesus, please please don't let that happen. I see such beautiful potential for a very special friendship. I don't want our friendship to be corrupted in that way.

Then again, Jesus let me mean what I say. I want You Lord. I want to pursue you Jesus. I want to find my delight in You. I want to be so satisfied in You that my world can be shaken and I would still have my peace in You. That is my desire. Rock my world God. Use me here.

Soooo much on my mind

I cried myself to sleep last night. It was the first time in a long time that I truly cried myself to sleep. It was so weird. I remember not wanting my roomates to hear me. I remember the tears running down my face. I remember wanting to call someone but realizing that Jesus may be urging me to rely on him at that particular time.

Last night may have been the nail in the coffin regarding Glorie and my relationship. We fight so much. It's so hard to have a regular conversation. I wish we could be regular friends...just like how we used to be. But we aren't. Maybe that's what the Lord is using to have me focus back on Him? Who knows.

Overall, I still consider myself blessed. I hope God uses me here...no matter how small my purpose is.

God = Awesome!

I just want everyone to know that God rocks my socks.

After praying so fervently for other Christians this week, I have found two others within a span of about a week. Talk about awesome. One of them, who has been mentioned in a previous post, has been one of the biggest blessings given to me so far concerning this whole disney experience. I have nothing but good thoughts whenever I think about her.

Yesterday, I met another Christian. She's from the south like me. The only thing is that she's smarter. I was able to deduce this because she's a theology major. After talking to her for about half an hour yesterday, I was able to confirm that she was indeed quite intellectual. She is also quite a Christian.

Hopefully we will be able to start a small group very soon. This makes 3 Christians that are CPs so far. There has to be more. Has to be. We can make a difference. We can shine like Jesus. Holy Spirit we just need you now more than ever. We pray for You to ignite this city and this company for You.


Yet it's odd you know. As exciting as all of this stuff is, I wonder what will happen with me and my wonderful girlfriend. I still adore her very very much. Yet if the Lord has even bigger plans for me, which require a very real possibility of separation from Glorie, then I respond yes.

Who will go for you LORD? Send me.

rock my world

God, in fitting sovereignty, has rocked my world with the following news:

- One of my friend's father has died in a car accident.

- Hot girl at work is determined not to be friends with me.

- Relationship with girlfriend is at a critical point.

- Met new girl who is one of the friendliest people I've ever met.

- Found a new website that is absolutely awesome.

- Said website is so awesome, I'm considering making it my homepage.

- Worked at Monsters Inc Greeter position and concluded that it should be considered to be cruel and unusual punishment.

- Glad I have my roomates.

- Glad I have my friends.

- Glad I can lean on the LORD.


Elucidation to come later.

Uncertainty

It's as if, even if it lasted for only a moment, I knew it was right.

Yet everything seems to show that it's wrong.

Speeeeeedway!

So not much has been new with me. I'm getting into a nice little routine. For the first two weeks everything has been kind of random but now everything has settled nicely. I usually close on the speedway. This can be good and bad. It's great because closing is a whole lot easier than opening. Also it's cool because I get to work with a lot of the other College Program people. On the other hand, closing sucks because, well, you're closing. This would entail working until the park closes. If it's a "normal" (but is there really a thing known as normal when you work in the magic kingdom?) day, I'm out of there no later than 8:45 p.m. However Disney frequently decides to have things known as extra magic hours. Magic for the guests--yes. Magic for the cast members? Not at all.

I usually don't get off until 1:00 in the morning or so and it can become tiring. Don't get me wrong, I think this is a great experience considering the fact that I've never worked late shifts before, but I'm still adjusting. I'm also beginning to know my fellow speedway-ers a little bit more. I find it funny how everyone is in unanimous agreement that the Tomorrowland Indy Speedway is the armpit of the Magic Kingdom. Otherwise we're all still getting used to each other I suppose. The hot girl I may have referenced in a previous post is still hot as ever. Too bad that I strongly believe that we'll never become good friends. Lazy girl that I have also possibly referenced is still lazy. She's just more bossy and lazy than I had imagined. Oh joy.

On a completely different note, I hope I win some groceries wednesday at the bingo thingy. I am so broke that it's not even funny. FYI for anyone...do not get caught speeding in Georgia. GA, from what I believe, intentionally hikes their speeding fines to outrageous levels.

Alas, I am still blessed. I am in reasonably in good health. I don't have to worry about where I'll lay my head at night. I still find Joy in you Jesus. Thank you.

Work...sucks

I can't stand it so far. I really feel out of place. I don't know why.

Some of the guys seem friendly enough. A lot of the girls are really mean. Perhaps it's just me. I wish I could feel comfortable enough to be myself though. It's making me portray work as such a negative place. That can't be good if I intend to be an example at the Speedway.

There's one particular girl that's extremely pretty there. I always seem to feel dumb after I talk with her. I call it the "Stephanie Soriano effect." I wish she could know the real me.

Then there's the other girl who is probably the meanest girl I've ever met. To this day, she's never been nice to me. She is bossy to me most of the time. She hurt my feelings the other day. I know that sounds kinda childish...but I kept thinking about what she said to me for the rest of the night. Nevertheless, I continually pray that the Lord would rescue me from my bitterness/resentment toward her. I wish her only the best. Honestly. I just wish she would be friendly.

As a matter of fact, I wish that with everyone. I feel so isolated. It's hard.

In a word...

Well I really can't describe it in a singular word.

Work is really something else. I don't think I've ever sucked at anything more in my life than I do at the Speedway. The responsibilities we have are very simple things yet I consistently find ways to screw up. I kid you not. Today, for example, I messed up countless times. All we were doing was stacking cars (as in we were just putting the car in a straight line on the race track). I somehow get the fabulous idea to put the car I was driving back in the storage. Then when I was working the line (i.e. guy who makes sure your seatbelt is on), I somehow find a way to mislead people and confuse all of my teamates. I'm so slow. It's hard not being able to do something well. Hopefully I can get better at this thing.

Oh and I don't know how to make friends. There's so many people down here and I can't seem to get anyone interested in hanging out with me. Crap. That's going to be a problem.

:-(

I worked until 1:15 A.M last night. Part of the night was spent getting drenched in Florida rain. Other parts of the night were spent doing absolutely nothing at all. All in all it was a pretty weird first day of work. I've gained more compassion for my co-workers though. Many of the internationals that work there are very, very kind. I found out that some of them are leaving next week already. Some of the other people are nice too. I think it'll be a cool semester.

In other news, glorie and I are in quite a conundrum at the moment. We have huge communication problems. Translation = we fight due to misunderstanding ALL the time. It really may be the end of the line for us. I'm not sure how I feel about that. This is the woman that I've loved for more than 4 years now. If I had to pick someone to spend the rest of my lifetime with, I'd STILL pick her right now. Yet, the magnitude with which we fight so frequently makes it impossible to move forward. It's simply unhealthy. I wish I knew what to do.

Nevertheless, Jesus I choose to follow you. Against you all things fade. Whatever happens between me and Glorie, Lord remind me that I have You to support me. Let me find satisfaction in you.

1.5 weeks in and...

So Florida has been a pretty definitive experience thus far. Where to begin.

I got a ticket on the way to Florida. 86 in a 70. The cop was pretty nice. I need to find a way to bargain it down to 14 or below. That way I won't get anything on my record.

Other than that, things have been transitioned really smoothly down here. My roomates all seem like nice guys. We may get on each other's nerves down the road but for now we're all cool with each other. Our apartment on the other hand...total crap. my bed is like sleeping in a bag full of nails. Our "fully furnished" kitchen was fully missing. Literally half of our stuff was not in the kitchen. The few things we did have were unusable due to burns and stuff. Yes, they eventually got replaced and stuff so everything is gravy right now.

I ended up getting assigned to the Disney "Indy Motor Speedway" aka Speedway. The job isn't really hard. Anyone could do it. I'm still not sure about everyone that works there though. Everyone drinks. Isn't there more to life than drinking? I found out yesterday that one of the other cp's (who I thought was pretty hot at first) is a huge drinking. It turned her allure completely upside down. What is it with drugs that makes them so frequently abused anyway? Is it REALLY worth it?

I guess that's it. I'll be updating more...hopefully.

Some thoughts before I leave

- "Whenever I talked to ______ it always seemed like you were the bad guy." Most naive comment I heard this entire week.

- Turning in your last final really is one of the best feelings in life.

- I'm broke.

- And yet full of gratitude for blessing after blessing that's given to me. What an honor.


I'll be back. Just have to catch a quick plane to the Philippines. :)

Sorrow

It hurts so much. Why would you do this?


Help me Father.